Tag Archives: doctor

He’s a little…out of your league.

Well I just finished day 2 of boot camp, literally 10 minutes ago.  I could puke.  Day 1 wasn’t so bad, everyone takes their “Before”pictures and gets measurements taken and all that jazz.  So after day 1 I treated myself to a bacon egg and cheese biscuit  from McDonalds, it will be the last time we touch lips for some time.  Anyway, Anth didn’t go to the first day because he was out of town and by the looks of the instructors and the rest of the people in the class I knew it wouldn’t be his cup of tea.  He’s really in shape and thinks the amount he can bench press should impress girls and told me first hand he wants nothing to do with “downward facing dog.”

When day 2 rolled around this morning we pulled up about 4 minutes till 5 and the instructor (we’ll call her Nazi-Whore) walks outside and starts clapping her hands at us, “Come on! You’re late, last one in the building runs an extra mile.” Excusie? We are not late.  YOU were 10 minutes late the first day so shut your Nazi-Whore hole.  Neither Anth nor myself enjoys people who think they can boss us around so we both may have trouble with the Nazi-Whore because she was like that the entire fricking time.  The first exercise? Downward facing dog.  Bahaha!  Which by the way was perfect for someone like me who hates to work out and rarely does so.  I think in the end it will give me the results I’m looking for (a toned non-muscular beach bod.)  Anth thought it was “gay” but agreed to keep going because “it will get him in even better shape,” tool.  He totes loved it.  The only thing he complained about was stretching his ass infront of all the people that were walking in for the 6am class.  Mwhahaha.

Anyway, summer is vastly approaching and that means… summer looooove!!  Since I am officially revirginized I have to pick someone to give up my 3rd virginity to.  Yes, this over 1 year since any woopie has happened once before, in college.  My sorority sisters had a ceremony for my “pure soul” and I had to give a speech (it was good, it included bible versus by candlelight and will be posted in due time), then we all went out and got pants shitting drunk to try and get me some sex.  Which didn’t happen for another 4 or 5 months, so I still have a few months before I break my record.

But, yesterday I thought I had potentially locked down a doctor at lunch.  I sat at the “singles” bar where all of the people who don’t have any friends to eat with sit and stare at the wall.  I sat down next to a woman doctor and a few minutes later a hot young surgeon sat down next to me.  Well, hello hellooooo.  I was reading Lucky’s post for yesterday while I ate my burger when the Doctor says, “Whatcha reading there? A blog? What’s it about? It’s so hard to find interesting blogs.”  I quickly closed out the browser and said, “Yeah… the site I’m reading is pretty meh, I think I’ll look for something more compelling.” Totes not trying to knock our blog but I cannot have people at my workplace reading this.  #1 I would abso get fired for talking so much shit #2 What if this doctor would’ve asked me out right after I told him I have this blog where me and my best friend rant about all of our sexual escapades and relationship failures? The stuff on the blog is like 1 year anniversary material.  So anyway, I don’t know if he saw the name or the web address, we could potentially have a new reader… Ellooo doctor! Or maybe he was just trying to make small talk so he could ask me out and then changed his mind because I’m such a spaz.   Who knows.

After it seemed as though my ultimate plan of finding a doctor to love me was taking a turn for the better I came home and started telling Anth about it, he could’ve cared less.  Then Lucky starts telling me about how she is going to see the Hangover 2 this weekend and I’m all, “Anth! The Hangover 2 comes out this weekend, we gotta go see it next week!” And he’s all, “No, we have to go see Thor, my friend who is in it is coming to visit in a few weeks and how big of assholes will we be if none of us have seen it?” Hold the bus, “Your friend was in THOR, THE MAJOR MOTION PICTURE!!!??? How many lines does he have?” “Ummm he was like one of the main characters?” This sparked an idear in my head, “Do you think he’ll want to be my boyfriend?” Anth cracked up and was all, “Maaaaaybbeeee… but he’s a little…out of your league.  I mean, he’s a movie star.”  Well asshole, obviously I was kidding but now I am going to make it my life goal to lose my 3rd virginity to Anth’s friend in Thor.  I started boot camp for Pete’s sake, in 2 weeks I am going to look DAMN GOOD! I mean for real, I have to set some goals for myself or I won’t keep going to boot camp.  So, thanks Anth… you just motivated me to lose 5 pounds.  Dick.

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I wanna sit next to daddy!

Everywhere I look there’s another bratty child.

I’m quite certain we’ve had this conversation before, and it’s well-known that I don’t like kids. Sure, you’re saying, “but, but MY kid, MY kid is just an angel.”

Well, unless you gave birth to a child who doesn’t produce spit, snot, or shit, and is without tonsils, then you’re child probably isn’t an angel. Just saying.

Or, there is a slight possibility all the good kids are at home and not in my gynecologist’s office lobby. If THAT is the case, maybe you’re right, and all the good children are at home and not out in the world, pissing me off.

So yeah, yesterday it was time for my annual gyno checkup (don’t worry guys, I won’t get into details). As with most doctor-dentist-caretaker types, I do get a little anxiety before my trip to the gyno.

I blame this on two things: 1. My very first trip to the gyno, and 2. the children and pregnant moms I see there.

I didn’t have my first trip to the gyno until I was 20. I didn’t lose my virginity until I was 19, and my parents pretty much avoided all sex-talks of any kind, until I had to be like ok I’m scared I have lady cancer, please take me to the gyno.

I was home from college, fresh off a breakup from a man who simply walked away from me. My mom was trying to do me a favor and she made an appointment with her gyno…who was a man.

Since my mom didn’t have a problem with it, I figured it was no big deal. Before I went to the appointment, they had given my mom a form I needed to fill out—you know, when was your last period? Do you have sex? What forms of contraceptive do you use?

My mom was eyeing the paper as I filled it out, which pissed me off.

So we get to the doctor’s office, and it’s like all pregnant women. They call my name, I change into that oh-so-sexy gown, and while I wait for the doctor to come in, I was reading a tattered copy of John Grisham’s “The Firm.” Nothing like reading a legal thriller while you’re waiting to have your pink lady probed and judged.

My doctor comes in, asks me about the book I’m reading and finds it necessary to get a few laughs in. Whatever. He asks me the standard questions about why I came in, which turns into a huge problem.

Doc: Why did you come in today?

Me: I’m old enough to have an appointment and I’ve been worried about some slight pain in my uterus area, I’m paranoid it’s cancer.

Doc: Why would you think that?

Me: Um, I don’t know? Because I’ve never had it checked out.

Doc: So you’re sexually active, yet you’re not on birth control?

Me: WAS, I was having sex. I’m not anymore. And I’ve heard birth control makes you fat.

Doc: Why do you say you’re not sexually active anymore?

Me: Because I’m not dating anyone anymore, thanks.

Doc: Why did you guys break up?

Me: That’s a little personal and really has nothing to do with my cancer-eaten vagina.

Doc: Well maybe he was cheating on you and gave you an STD.

Then, I cried. Thanks a lot, asshole. I got dressed and went into the lobby to tell my mom her doctor was a fucking asshole and made me feel like a whore, while simultaneously making fun of me for reading John Grisham.

After that, I didn’t go to the gyno for years. But then, I got back to having sex, so I got on birth control and somehow, I didn’t get fat (NuvaRing is awesome).

Now, my pet peeve is simply the kids. I don’t mind pregnant women bringing their other children along, but why are we bringing the entire family? I’m seriously asking. Anyone out there bring their husbands and kids to the gyno? Because I want a logical reason why.

Yesterday, I was sitting in the lobby, in a row of four chairs. There was an older lady next to me, alone, then me, then a mom, and her husband. Dancing around us all was a bratty spit machine who kept taking off his shoes. His parents were doing that half-ass punishment, “come on, put your sh—no, put your shoe on!”

The mom was willing to do just about anything to make this kid happy, including switching seats. At first, she let the kid sit next to me. Which got her one dirty look from me, capped off with a loud sigh and a dramatic look at my watch. She switched back. Then traded with her husband, which got a nice yell from her kid, “NO, I WANNA SIT NEXT TO DAD-DYYYY.”

Fucking lil bastard. I’d never been so happy to hop on that scale and wear the ugly gown.

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