I need to bitch about something that has really been chapping my ass for the past 6 months. I just saw a facebook post on one of my friend’s walls and to keep the molting hot hell lava from spewing out my eyes and mouth I had to come here to do my venting (VENTi.. get it? Starbucks. :))
So here’s the story: my ex-ex-boyfriend not snoop-linus but the one before him, douchearoo (there is no better word in the world to describe him) and I broke up about 3 years ago – yes 3 YEARS! He broke up with me mainly because I’m your standard untrusting crazy girlfriend. So we broke up summer of 2007 and were off and on for the next year until I started dating this guy who was bi-polar and then snoop-linus.
Well douchearoo did everything douchey you could possibly imagine, after we broke up he would follow me home from the bars to make sure I wasn’t shacking with anyone else and sent me texts with facts about things he knew I loved like taco bell and punky brewster (he turned the crazy on!) But while we were dating he would do douchey things like save texts that his drunk engaged ex-girlfriend would send him saying, “You are wonderful,” and him and his friends would go play cards with her and her friends every Thursday and I was never allowed to come. He got us kicked out of a wedding reception, I was in the wedding as a brides maid. He was arrogant and just all around an ugly dick. I thank my lucky stars that I’m not with him anymore, I’ve noticed in his pictures that his hairline is starting to recede and his double-chin is bordering triple. Plus he has been out of school for 2 years and I still don’t think he has a steady job. Oh and the best thing when we were on and off and he was hooking up with other girls he would mass email his friends with stories about his escapades, a tucker max wanna-bee if you will. Don’t worry I have them all printed out and any time I write about douchearoo I will post the next story… here’s #1, enjoy:
Friday November 9, 2007 3:19 a.m.
To whom it may concern, yes I am drunk off my ass,
You both have heard from me within the last few hours but I wanted to send this before I forgot the funny details about when I let my brain make decisions instead of my cock.
Typical bar night. (side note: jew fro compared (Jessica?) to a Jill 2.0, Yes fatty’s Jill) It must have been sorority happy hour night at the bar. Blondes everywhere. We both strike out. By the time I left the bar jew fro and I were both hammered. Jew fro even OFFERED to take my cup home. Yeah.
At the next bar I sat at the bar with Ogre and Horse until (Jessica?) came up behind us. At this point I am so focused on another girl that I barely notice her. Fast forward. Everyone is gone and I am headed home with Ogre giving him my taco bell order. I call another girl in a desperate attempt to get laid. No dice. Ogre meets me at home and I get this text verbatim from (Jessica?), “Do you want to do it or what?” I go into Jew fro’s bedroom and he tells me to go for it. What a great friend. Why not right, I am drunk as Bdub when he pees the bed. (Jessica?) convinces me to meet her at Ashley’s. I stop at the Ashley’s door to hear this little gem.
Jessica – Where is he. He must be retarded. Am I going to have sex or not? Jenny – It’s not worth your time. (Author’s note: HAHAHA. I am ashamed)
I listen for 20 minutes about nothing important until I finally walk in. (Jessica?) immediately grabs her jacket and follows me toward the door. On the way out Ashley gives me a facial expression that can only sarcastically mean “fuck you” and head out. Mind you, I have been sobering up for a solid hour and she looks just as bad as ever. We get back to my place and I grab a P-funk and dart out the door to smoke. Naturally, she follows me outside and says I am an asshole but continues to lean on me. An agonizing 5 minutes later, after I throw my cig on the sidewalk, she says “So what now?”
“Now I go to bed and you go back to Ashley’s”
I tell her “because I don’t fuck anyone that calls me an asshole.” – I win.
I had to walk her back where she slammed the door in my face.
Lesson I learned: Girls and their attractiveness are completely relative. If this would have been in any other town I would have fucked her. For instance, if a girl of her attractiveness level wants to fuck me tomorrow, I will slam into her hard. Thanks for listening, I appreciate feedback.
Love you both,
Yep, that’s the guy I got to call my boyfriend for 7 whole months and there are plenty more emails where that came from. I realized the other day when I was looking through my old planner that I had made plans to have lunch with douchearoo the day after I met snoop-linus, which thankfully I cancelled. When I met snoop-linus I cut off all contact with douchearoo because I was in love with snoop-linus before I ever even met him and when things got hot and heavy there was no way I was letting douchearoo get his douchey little hands in the mix and fuck it up for me.
He would still send me all his garbage texts when he would see me out with snoop-linus and de-friended me on facebook because it crushed his stone-cold heart to see snoop linus and I so happy together. A few days after his birthday I sent him a text saying happy belated and he replied with a shit-ton of texts about how good we were together and all of this riff-raff I wrote back that he was high because we weren’t good together and went on some trip about how he wanted to be friends again. The next day he re-requested me as a friend so as I was laughing at the desperate jackass I accepted, he still texted and I didn’t reply.
2 months later he said something sexual about me to snoop-linus in a bar when I wasn’t there. Apparently it was a good show, snoop-linus was blacked out and doesn’t remember it but douchearoo’s friends told me snoop had him cornered and was threatening to pummel his chins in if he ever mentioned my name again. Of course douchearoo had to get the last word in and texted me the next day about how I should tell my boyfriend to “chill the fuck out” and to stop threatening to beat people up and topped it all off by de-friending me on facebook for a 2nd time. I didn’t reply and haven’t gotten a text from douchearoo since then. I’ve seen him out once since then and I went carrie on his ass because his friend approached me and hugged me so he walks up asking what the fuck is she doing here and I replied with some drunken crazy mumbo jumbo about how he needs to get the fuck over it because he has 35 chins and I still look good but that I never did anything wrong, he was the douchebag but somehow he hates me? and then I flipped him the bird and said peace out motha fucka!
So, that brings us to today. One of his best friend’s birthdays was a few months ago and to my knowledge all of his friends still love me. They all still talk to me all the time and the friend who was having the birthday asked me to be his date to a wedding a few weeks before, so I wrote on the friends wall happy birthday and to call me. Douchearoo had already wished the friend a happy birthday a few posts below mine and then today I saw he commented right after mine saying this, “I like how you say you hate certain people but they still blow up your wall” and then he clicked that he liked his own post. See? Douche-a-roo! Obviously that was aimed toward me or he would’ve put it in his original birthday post. 3 years people, 3 years we have been broken up he lives an hour away and he is still trying to nickel and dime some kind of reaction out of me. Well, here’s to you douchearoo…. eff off!