Tag Archives: douchearoo

How did I get so lucky?

As I’m sure you all can recall, I’ve had a tough time getting Snoop-Linus to leave me alone.  We’ve been broken up for over 2 years now, and I haven’t spoken to him in over 9 months.  He’s had like 3 or 4 different phone numbers in that time and always makes it a point to let me know his new number.  I haven’t saved the last few in my phone but I still always knew it was him calling/texting because of the area code. 

After some serious debating with Lucky, we decided that I should save the number as the girl I walked in on him cheating on me with (as a reminder and so it also doesn’t look like I have my ex callng me all the damn time) and put the ringer and text notifications as silent.  Done and done.

The last I heard/knew he was actively dating this girl and he had also told people that he dumped me to be with her.  Harrrrr OK!  The last time I checked I dumped his ass because he cheated on me a babillion times.  But whatevs, as long as I’m not with him I don’t give a flying fuck why people think we broke up.  Anyway… apparently this girl is a runner and every few months she gets bored with Snoop-Linus so she stops talking to him and dates someone else.  HAHA.  I cannot express in words how awesome this is.  But this also explains why he intermittently calls and texts me and acts like we are BFF when really I just wish he would die.

ALSO, my friend that told me that he is dating this whore bag also told me that a few months back she ran into this other girl that Snoop-Linus knew in college at a club and she revealed some pretty disgusting stuff about when he used to cheat on me with her.  The cheating count is up to 4 different girls now.  So this new found whore bag said that she used to come over during the day when I was at class or work and her and SL would hook up, she would and I quote, “Give him really good head and he would smack her ass and they had nice sex.” At this point I’m 200% over Snoop-Linus, so hearing this stuff doesn’t upset me in the slightest, it just disgusts me and makes me thank my lucky stars that I didn’t get STDs from him.  Honestly he just deserves to die and rot in hell, that’s the only way to simply put it.

So anyway, last week my aunt and cousins came up to the big city for a visit.  We went out to dinner and did some sightseeing and when I looked at my phone a few hours later I had a text and a missed call from Snoop-Linus.  Since the last time I posted about how he was annoying me I’ve gotten a few texts but no phone calls…

March 26th

Happy belated birthday!!!! Sorry lost another phone again in Miami this time lol. Hope all is well

April 8th

Happy Easter to you and your family!

April 29th

Heyy! How’s everything been going?! Been thinking about you a lot

And then the most recent, after the phone call last Tuesday June 14th

What up stranger?! Was calling to see how life is going.  Give me a call back.  Would love to catch up with ya! Hope all is well!

So he didn’t leave a voicemail with his call and sent that text instead.  I know the last time I posted about him I went off about why he has to act like we are BFFs.   He’s having a conversation with himself here because I haven’t replied to a text from him since October.  OCTOBER! And he still has the audacity to demand that I call him back.  Whatever douchebag, go die.

I got over being pissed about that and Wednesday night I went to a baseball game with Anth and his GF.  I came back all drunkity drunk and got into bed.  Then I heard my phone start ringing. It was midnight, so I thought that was pretty strange.  I pick it up and it’s Douchearoo.  Wow.  Seriously, what did I do to deserve a double whammy within a week?

I didn’t pick up his call, but I was actually kind of tempted.  It’s been YEARS since Douceharoo called me, I get texts from him every 6 months or so but a call has been unheard of.  I didn’t consider answering it because I so badly wanted to talk to him, I just honestly wondered what he could possibly have to say at midnight on a Wednesday.  Then I realized that I didn’t even need to hear whatever he had to say, because him calling me at midnight on a Wednesday said it all, that he is still the exact same person he was when I dated him.  Going out and getting shitfaced and then drunk dialing everything with a vagina in his phone.  Yep, yeppers.

I was halfway expecting to get a text from him the next day apologizing for the call but I never got anything.  At some point in the midst of all of this while I was at work one day Snoop-Linus threw up a picture on facebook of him looking like an idiot at some rave.  He tagged one of our mutual friends in it so even though we aren’t friends it came up on my mini-feed. I’ve had just about all the Snoop-Linus I can handle, so I blocked him. 

And apparently, even though he can see nothing but my profile picture – he still checks that on the reg. Last night around 10:30 I look over at my phone and see I have a missed call and voicemail.  Then I see it was him.  Gr-eat.

The voicemail…

“Hey it’s me.  Call me back.  Stop being weak and stop like blocking me on facebook girl.”

You all know me well enough to know my reaction to this.  What. The. Fuck.  This is the first time, in a long time, I’ve considered sending him a text saying that if he doesn’t leave me alone I’m going to get a restraining order.  It’s taking everything I have to not snap off and send him a big long message about how big of a schizophrenic psycho he is.  But I’m not doing it.  Deep breaths… deep breaths… and weekend.

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Just some things..

Hey kids… things are getting spicy around here.  LIVENING UP THE PLACE! We’ve got a lot to cover today, mostly things that I feel like I need to document so that when my memory doesn’t serve me I can come back here and see what actually happened.  Here is our agenda:

*A super duper exciting awesome surprise for Lucky via our Vegas Trip

* My career advancement

* How 2 guys from my past almost messed shiz up with High School Crush

Ok, let’s get started!

Lucky – I was at this luncheon for work the other day and got to chatting with my only friends in the office.  We were yammering on about how none of us have any savings because we all lurve to travel.  The token single lady in the office – she is 50, owns a house with her sister, and has never been married (a story for another day) – but she travels all the time offered some Vegas advice.  First, she said we will have the time of our lives at MGM. CHECK! Then she was all, “LISTEN UP! I’m about to tell you some free things to do…” Some of them I was like eh whatevs, I’d rather pay $30 and get a margarita the size of my head but one thing stuck out in particular.  At one Caeser’s Palace there is a MARTHA STEWART garden that she MS, the hoodrat herself, comes to garden in every season.  Since you’re such a MS fan I thought it in our best interest to check it out whilst wearing our sequins and drinking our giant ‘ritas.

Next.

I had an interview Wednesday morning for a job in the city I want to live in.  I know right? I’m excited too.  Anyway, it started out as an in person interview, then somewhere along the way they figured out that I live far away and asked that we just do a phone interview for now.  So Wednesday morning I got up early for this interview and it went really well.  The guy that was interviewing me seemed like he was either 85 years old or not all there.  Either way, I think it worked to my advantage.  I’ll find out next week if I make it to the second round.  Clinky! Here’s hoping!

With that being said the guy had THE best job interview question I have ever heard, or maybe it’s just because I could totally relate to the question.

“What is your biggest pet peeve when it comes to co-workers?”

I had to hold the phone away from my face so he couldn’t hear me laughing.  I mean really, I could have kept the guy on the phone all day.  But in an attempt to not sound unprofessional by being like, “WELL! The guy next to me likes to announce what’s going on in his daughter’s sex life and that kind of bugs me.” I managed to dwindle it down to people being unprofessional and unorganized, which 99% of Ciggy Breath’s annoying habits fall under.

Moving on…

So, remember a few weeks ago when I spent the night with HSC? Right, I know.  How could you forget.  I forgot to mention a few things that happened, and honestly forgot about them until they were coming out of my mouth when I was talking to Lucky the other night on the phone.

So first, remember The Bed Wetter? I mean, this kid has got to have THE worst timing of anyone I know. Literally 5 seconds after HSC and I got to the bar, we’re standing there talking to his friends, and his sister’s husband when The Bed Wetter comes up from behind me, puts his arm around me and says, “Hey you’re pretty hot, can I buy you a drink?” Honestly dude? So I turn around see it’s him, act overly excited to see him like we are long lost pals and say, “Hey where’s your girlfriend!?” Within earshot of HSC.  Bed wetter apologized for interrupting and moved on.

The next morning after HSC and I woke up on Chuck’s basement futon, we decided to go get some breakfast.  So we’re sitting at breakfast chatting away and I look up and see Douchearoo’s roommate/best friend that I’ve hooked up with (his name is The Farmer) standing in front of our table.

Thankfully he is 9 feet tall and didn’t see my shrimpiness sitting there, but it could have been really bad had he seen me.  Or had we seen Douchearoo out the night before.  The unfortunate thing is he probably did see me and just didn’t say anything, but I’m sure he went back and told Douchearoo and now D-roo has got it on his radar to look out for me/ruin my life.  Sigh. The no drama part of the HSC stuff was fun while it lasted.

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Pardon our absence

Sorry we’ve been MIA for basically the last week.  We’ve been out doing big things.  First I’ll share some updates on what I know has been keeping everyone up at night: High School Crush. (I just ripped my pants as I wrote this.  I have this fear of my butt crack hanging out and people throwing quarters down it or something, you can ask Lucky, we had a whole discussion on me finding a coat that would cover my butt crack if it was hanging out, she came up with the simple genius solution to pull my pants up, as easy as that sounds sometimes I just have to carry too much and my life sucks ass so of course my pants don’t always fit because I don’t have time to go shopping for new ones.) Anyway…

We didn’t meet up last Wednesday night, my life flashed before my eyes and I was like welp toilet seat bun in the oven, our lives end here. BUT just when I was about to sharpen the razor and was literally telling Lucky that I am going to have to wait another 10 years to try again, he texted me right as Snoop-Linus was calling, and Lucky and I were in the middle of the story and I was screaming, “WHAT IS GOING ON RIGHT NOW!!!!!” I mean really, if I get 2 or 3 texts within a minute of each other I have to stop and sit down to decipher what’s going on and what I need to reply to these texts, then if a phone call comes in… well that’s when I go home and call it a day.  Too much shit going on.  Back to HSC…  I’ll just say he’s pretty much my boyfriend and we’re pretty much getting married and I’m almost pregnant, twice.  The official status with HSC is: In Process and by the will of God will happen because I WILL MAKE IT HAPPEN!

Getting back to reality, this weekend was day of the fruit of the loom costume we wore to be funny for SHIT U’s football game Saturday, it was a smash hit, we basically had paparazzi following us around all goddamned day. We looked that good.  You’ll have to wait for Lucky for the pictures.   But, there’s no good time to mention this but it needs to be said, so here goes…Buttons was dressed as the grape section of the loom, her grapes were soiled by the cat and then were abused and motorboated more than a few times. Once I looked over and saw a guy latched on with his teeth.  NBD, only the most hilarious thing ever. I got a full martini dumped on me the night before.  And we got nothing for free.  NOTHING.  Shards of glass in our food, a wet foot, and me and everything around me wreaking of bleu cheese and vermouth.  I was pretty much the epitome of that martini filled car drunk driving commercial:

Yep, that was me.  Except that I had 0 martinis, but I did have the hiccups.  What an asshole.

That commercial really pisses me off though.  Did they really put all that shit in those cars? Because I am in need of a new car and that’s just wasteful if they flooded those cars for a fucking drunk driving commercial.  Christ. A new car is imperative to my social well-being.  Lucky can vouch that something died in my car and is rotting away and I have no idea where it’s coming from.  We had to ride home from the mall in that stink pot.  Conveniently after the window roller upper broke off too.  No fresh air.  That’s the smell of someone coming for welfare.

P.S. Anth and I are having this convo right now via bbm and it’s cracking my shit up:

Me: If I move there will you make me tacos every night?

Anth: NO! I don’t remember being invited to a Gizzy graduation party. So YOU owe ME!

Me: That’s because there is no reason to celebrate graduating college after 7 years.

Anth: That should be an epic celebration

Me: You can throw me one, I’ll act surprised.

Anth: Out of the question

Me: I do so much for you, and get NOTHING in return.

Anth: I hope KP and VS hoes just start making out tonight

Me: All I want are some tacos.

Me: WTF are you talking about?

Me: Freak

Anth: The VS fashion show!

Me: Oh

Me: So about the tacos

Anth: I thought that was a solid no

Anth: Ok, IF you move here, I’ll make you tacos.  For your birthday.

Me: Ok, so every day?

Anth: If you clean my bedroom and kitchen

Me: OK! But everyday, like whenever I want them you come running.  You’re my taco bitch.

Me: Who can I live with when I move there?

Me: Wanna be roomies?

He quit replying, so I guess that’s a no.

But back to the weekend….

We saw douchearoo.  And we sat there for a good 15 minutes strategizing an exit plan so that he wouldn’t see me exiting a bar at noon on Saturday drunk as a skunk wearing a giant apple costume with a worm puppet attached to it.  The plan was for me to look for a clear path to the door and run like the wind.  It was good in theory but when an oversized drunk apple is darting through people nothing good can ever happen.  I knocked over numerous things/dropped my cup at least 4 times and made more of a scene then I would have had I walked up and shook douchearoos hand.  Not only was he starting at us, the whole bar was.  I’m amazed at how each weekend I am able to trump the last embarrassing thing I did.

But, can I say 1 thing? I called it. Remember way back when, when I received a friend request from the leader of the has been’s douchearoo and I said I gave it a week before he texted me? Well it took a month and him seeing me in a giant apple costume, but it happened.  Saturday night around 2am started the following texting:

Douche (2am): Conveniently I heard your song on the radio tonight

Douche (10am): I guess you don’t respond to drunken texts anymore

Douche (10:45am): Well I saw you Saturday dressed as an apple, it’s nice to see you still appreciate the juvenile things in life.

Me (10:46am): And you can fuck off.

Douche (10:47am): Would you want to get a drink tonight? I’d really like to see you and talk to you, it’s been a while.

Me (10:48am): Douchebag.

Douche (10:49am): Well let me know

I laughed really hard for a solid 4 hours about this, AND told everyone I know, including my parents, and my 6 year old sister.  It’s a little bitter sweet that he wants me back, but he really is the faggots of all faggots. That was the hardest breakup I’ve ever been through and he’s trying to do it all over again.  Lucky for me when I’m done with a guy I’m done with him.  I’m repulsed by douchearoo now and wish him only the worst in life.  What’s even funnier is that the fat version of me he was dating dumped him a few weeks ago, now he’s alone and no one wants him.  Bru-hahahaaaaaa!!!! Take that asshole!

Now it’s time that I #1 apologize for being a crazy scatterbrained freak when I wrote this post and #2 bid you ado so that I can get drunk and pass out.  Toodles!

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Leave my booberry’s alone!!!!

Last night my roommate (mom) made an interesting observation and it got my wheels turning, which doesn’t happen very often.  She walked in my room to ask about my latest bout with the police and some speeding tickets I had acquired and failed to mention, but mid conversation she interrupted herself asking very loudly, “ARE YOU EATING BOOBERRY’S AND WATCHING AMERICA’S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS?!!!! NO WONDER YOU DON’T HAVE A JOB!” I said, “Mom’s I’m right here you don’t have to yell.”  She went on about how when she was 25 she had a 2 year old baby, a mortgage, TWO car payments, and a husband to look after.  I simply explained that it was her choice and that I’m sure had she explored her options grandma would have let her live at home into her late 20’s and fed her whatever cereal she fancied.  Then she asked if I would be sitting at my dining room table in the mornings eating booberry’s with my kids and watching cartoons.  I told her that I imagined I would.  I mean I’m sorry, no offense to you people that eat your wheaties and your raisin bran, but what the fuck.  When I eat those cereals I may as well be licking cardboard and if I am going to splurge with the cals on something in my day by god it is going to be booberry’s to start my day out right.  As I’m finishing up the last few bites of booberry’s and sipping my milk my roommate gets annoyed and grabs my bowl o booberrys out of my hands and takes it to the kitchen. So there I was left with booberry milk drizzle down my chin to tide me over until morning. Now, on to America’s funniest home videos.  It’s my favorite show, Lucky hates it, but I think whoever thought of it was genius and it is basically my life goal to be the person in charge of what goes on the show.  Imagine this, I’m at my high school reunion sitting at the V.I.P. table eating my booberry’s when my high school crush walks up and asks if he can have some booberry’s I say, “I guess” and snap my fingers at my personal assistant to get him a bowl of booberry’s and he asks what I do and I tell him, “I get paid to watch home videos.”  Imagine the things I would see, forget the news.  AFV is where you learn things.

This all made me think about how much I have really grown up.  Which is not much.  I still love spaghettios, lunchables, and fruit snacks.  But now I think asparagus tastes alright but I will never think sausage is cool.  It looks like a dehydrated turd.  Think about that the next time you order a meatlovers pizza, dehydrated turds baked right in! And they’re chewy. How can you sausage lovers live with yourselves?

As you can tell I am searching for everything and anything to blog about because my life is spiraling down the toilet.  So, I have decided to share my life goals, which is mostly a list of occupations I would like to have, in no particular order:

1. Host The Price Is Right, Let’s Make A Deal, AND The Family Fued (MULTI-TASKER)

2. Be in charge of picking out background music for Gossip Girl

3. Be Donald Trump

4. Win Miss America

I actually enrolled myself in my alma mater’s Miss America foundation pageant, the winner got to go to the state pageant and the winner of that went on to Miss America.  I show up to the call out and the first thing they do is say, “At SHIT U this is not a beauty pageant, we judge solely on your interview and speech.”  Take note, if it was a beauty pageant I would have won.  Not because I’m so jaw dropping beautiful or anything but my school was 70% male and 30% female and 20% of the females were from foreign countries where they don’t believe in bathing or into agriculture so they all smelled and had personal hygiene problems, we’re talking about cow dung under the nails hygiene problems.  IF it was a beauty contest I would’ve been a shoe in but IF it was a beauty contest my competition would have been different.  Apparently the other hygienic girls of SHIT U had already gotten this memo so I got up and walked out.  I mean seriously they were going to judge me based on what kind of speech I could put together about cow’s with colon cancer rather than how good my boobs look in a bikini, which is what they would be judged on in the next round? NEXT.  I should’ve transfered schools right then and there because now I am too old and I feel like I really missed my calling.  A girl that had quarter of an inch long hair, black nail polish, and was wearing the earrings that stretch the holes in your ears out is the one who won.  I made all my friends go with me to the pageant for my 21st birthday and I sat in the back row and sobbed because not only did she take MY crown that  I would have paraded around campus in so gloriously she didn’t even show up to the state pageant and forfeit any chance at Miss America.  I also went out to the bars for the first time the night of the pageant wearing a tiara my friends had bought me for my birthday signing autographs and telling people I won Miss SHIT U earlier that day.  Yep.

5.  Win an Olympic medal for gymnastics (Also now too old and rickety for this)

6. Be a homemaker

7. Be a world renowned surgeon and marry a hot doctor (EXACTLY like on Grey’s Anatomy)

8.  Find someone to marry who looks exactly like Josh Duhamel 😦

9. Marry a celebrity

10. Teach every cheating lying asshole in the world A LESSON.  mwhahaa

11. Be president.

12. Stop eating old candy out of my purse.

As you can see, I am in serious need of a life coach to pull me out of my childhood la la land (because my goals haven’t changed much since I was 10) and send me back to reality.  I honest to god think I am accomplish these goals what with having no background in any of them.  I can do it!

Well, tonight I will be traveling back to SHIT U to get my drinky on.  Drama to look forward to: The Captain, The Captain’s Crystal, HOTTIE MCHOTTERSON & CO, Merdie, and possibly douchearoo will all be in attendance.  Something eventful to spice up my life and yours will surely be happening in t-minus 9 hours. Tick tock!

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And a sext message in a pear tree…

Does it make me a tool if I looooooveeee full coverage underwear? I’m not talking like full on grannies.  I’m talking about boy shorts that cover everything.  I just put on a fresh pair and my area is in France and everybody is in bed for the night.

Side note: Just got this text from The Captain, “On a scale of 1 to 10 how good is my body? Be honest.”  I bet you guys can’t waaaaiiiit to hear what happened.  Mwhahaaaaa.

Anyway, back to my underwear.  I had a hankering for some Mcdonald’s last night after I saw the episode of Sex and The City where Carrie throws le filet o fish and le big mac at Mr. Big, so I got up out of my bed and went and got me some.  When I returned home and was walking through my garage I stepped in something wet and slipped and nearly fell to my death when my ass smacked the ground in my full coverage underwear.  It took that for me to realize I had just gone to Mcdonald’s wearing no shoes, no bra, and no pants.   After I heard my ass hit the cement I decided it was time to start working out.  After I ate my Big Mac and fries. MONOPOLY!

I rolled out of bed in the morning and power walked a 5k.  I was pretty proud of myself but I seriously think I was 10 steps away from  a heart attack.  I only weigh 115 pounds but it’s about 110 pounds of flub.  My heart was the little engine that could and it held out but I don’t know what I’m going to do about this.  All I can picture is my little heart in my chest with his fists up trying to punch the Hamburgler in the face to fight off the fat and grease but his reach is too short and the Hamburgler wins. And the Hamburgler WINS!  If I die of a heart attack I want you to make sure my headstone says EXACTLY this, “To the victor go the spoils, the Hamburgler wins again!”

Now that I am simultaneously writing this blog and sexting with The Captain I’ll just go ahead and spill the I’m Sorry I Suck beans.  The Plan was supposed to go into action Sunday afternoon.  I was all set up with rope (duct tape) and a blindfold (t-shirt) to teach The Captain a lesson.  We walked in his apartment after work and find Raymundo, The Captain’s asian french speaking roommate, sitting on a bean bag looking like he had no intentions of going anywhere for a while. While The Captain went and changed out of his polar bear costume:

I had a little chitty chat with Raymundo where he told me his plans for the day were to sit infront of the tv and start watching Dexter from season 1.  He had rented all 5.  Hooray! So I pushed the plan back and told The Captain I had to skeedattle.  I didn’t want to do it with Raymundo there because what’s the fun in that if he gets untied 5 minutes after I leave? I probably should’ve just manned up and done it because it’s all only getting more intense, he’s starting to call regularly and want to see me regularly and I am beginning to run out of excuses and he’s not bad at sexting either, anybody wanna see a little word porn? OK! Here’s what he sent me tonight, keep in mind my responses were nothing like his and topped out at an OMG, OH WOW, or yeah that sounds good.

Captain: Do you like soft kisses up your body then my hand grabbing your hair and just… you know.

Captain: What about a massage then soft kisses on your neck and down your back

Captain: Well do you like feathers? Me not touching you blowing feathers up and down your chest then stomach then massage you wherever you want (the feather thing is totes from 40 days and 40 nights, ah Josh Hartnett)

*OK, So right here is where I felt I needed to contribute to the conversation so I said what about whipped cream? Continue…*

Captain: Whipped cream is too sticky, I’ll just lick you.  I love to lick even though someone doesn’t like it but I’m good at it just a side note

Sccccreeeeeeeeettttttccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

That’s the sexting bus wheels coming to a fucking stop.  You love to lick even though SOMEONE doesn’t like it.  He’s going to have to pay another $19.95 if he wants this session to continue.  I don’t think so.  I replied saying goodnight.  Hopefully he gets that next time why not just invite Captain’s Crystal into the conversation so she can add her 2 cents in as well.  Christ.

He also sent me a good morning text today and a little treat for you all:

Basically the EXACT same picture as last time only closer, but totally completely different.  I mean gosh.  But this one is different and borders on pornographic so kids, hide your eyes! BLINDFOLDS!

So I apologize that this was not my last post about The Captain, but it’s coming, hopefully before anything else too crazy happens, Captain’s Crystal just posted on my facebook wall asking me to go out with then tonight.   THIS IS JUST MADNESS!! Just hang on to your little pirate hats and we’ll be on our way…

In other boy news I got a friend request on facebook the other day from none other than, are you ready for it ready for it, drumroll please……….

DOUCHEAROO!!!!

I pondered accepting for a while, because I can still creep on his ugly ass because his profile is open however mine is closed.  Did I really want him looking at my pictures? I look good, so why the hell not.  I accepted.  For the blog. I give the new friend status a week to marinate before I get a text saying, “Hey facebook friend,” mark my words.  1 week.  If I have nothing to blog about that day, maybe I’ll respond to stir the drama pot a little.  1 week.

And I got another rejection letter from a company, I’m starting to get really upset:

Dear Gisabelle,

Thank you for your continued interest in BP and the position of Fart Knocker. We regret to inform you that BP
has decided not to progress with the selection of any candidates for this particular position.

We would like to invite you to apply for other positions that are closely aligned with your qualifications and interests as they arise. To access these opportunities through BP™s website go to
http://www.bp.com/careers. We encourage you to register for job alerts by
creating a Search Agent that will notify you about future opportunities that may be of interest.

Again, thank you for considering BP as a potential employer. We wish you every success with your career.

Sincerely,

BP Global Recruitment

So don’t hate me because I applied to BP.  I NEED A JOB! I figured that no one else is going to apply there because people want to blow them up so why wouldn’t they hire me? Instead they decide to hire NO ONE.  Like, fucking come on!? Give a girl a break.  If anyone out there reading this feels sorry enough for me to give me a job in finance email me cocktailsattiffanys@gmail.com I promise I’m not as big of a sloth as I seem.  I’ll relocate!

And that’s where I hit rock bottom.  Begging readers for a job.

Well it’s almost time for the Teen Mom repeat, I’ve had 5!!!!! redbulls and I am ready for this hour and a half finale.  I cannot wait.  So glad I made it out of my teenage years without getting preggers.  God bless abstinence and crooked teeth. Amen.

P.S. Welcome back Lappy!

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DOUBLE DOUCHE DAY!!!!!!

Since I sucked at life the past few weeks and haven’t posted any of douchearoo’s douchey emails to his douchey friends, I’ve got a double trouble douche day for you my little nuggets.  First a story about the sneaky douche, snoop-linus.

After the most embarrassing night of my life Friday, I wake up Sunday morning with a text from snoop-linus and one from my friend Dina.  Mind you, we haven’t spoken in over a month and he still calls and texts every single day of my wretched life.  The content of his text isn’t important, but what Dina’s text said most certainly is, “I don’t know if you care but I don’t know what to do with this.  I just saw snoop-linus all over some old mom and then he got in a car with her.” I have his facebook, email, and cell phone account passwords from when we were together.  I had to have them to keep track of his cheating ass.  I get on facebook and see he has a new “older” friend, bingo, spank you Dina.  From scouring around her profile I can tell she is about 35, married, with three children.  I’m thinking to myself, how the fuck does he know this old gunner? I go into his sent box and see this little gem from snoop-linus to old gunner:

Heyyy, just wanted to say thanks again for the ride home.  Had to hit you up on fb since you wouldn’t give me your digits haha.  You’re an awesome person.  Here’s my number ***-***-**** text me tomorrow when you wake up in the a.m.  I have to work until about 9 but after that we should go to the fairgrounds and watch the fireworks.

-Snoop-Linus

P.s. I don’t care what level you’re on, I like the person that you are.

I was immediately infuriated, because I was jealous? HELL-TO-THE-FUCKING-NO, I was disgusted.  The lady has a family for christ’s sake.  So what do I do about it?  I break a month long silence to tell snoop-linus that he is a disgusting piece of shit and he has got to be bat shit crazy if he thinks some old gunner is going to risk losing her family for some 23 year old druggie, who hasn’t graduated college, and works at the chicken palace.  He took this as an opening to try and win me back which later turned into him attacking the person I am, calling me no fun and a sour puss to which I reply, “Really? Because your friend seemed to think I was fun Friday night.”  I’m sure it’s driving him crazy trying to figure out which of his friends I was talking about.  Score -> Gizzy: 1 – Snoop-Linus: 0

On to the douche that douche day was created on behalf of, Douchearoo.  The counter fellatio email: The day: Sunday January 13, 2008.  The time: 6:38 p.m.

A little background for E.  As you may or may not know I have been banging the neighbor Chi O chica.  The details are fairly unimportant but it is pertinent to for you to know that, up to this point in the story, we had fornicated more than once.

Saturday night.  Beer pong at Horse’s new place.  Chi O comes over with a friend.  Jew Fro and I handily beat them five times.

Chi O and I are on the third floor of the bar talking about nothing in particular. Finally we have perhaps the greatest conversation I have ever been a part of.

Chi: I can tell you have been checking out other girls all night.

Douchearoo: Not anymore than usual.

Chi: Look, I’m not stupid I know you are probably doing stuff with other girls and I hope you know you are not the only guy I have been with.

Douchearoo: Ok.

Chi: I have just never met anyone capable of having a strictly sexual relationship.  Just keep calling me when you are out drinking with the guys and when I feel like having sex I will answer.

Douchearoo: No arguments here.

Chi: I’m pretty sure you will be cool about this.  I’m also pretty sure I want to have sex with you tonight.

Douchearoo: Lets go.

Back at my apartment we jump into bed and I fingerblast away for about 15 minutes.  Finally she rolls off and says “I can’t do this.”  I start to think that she has come to her senses and wants a relationship which she would have been vehemently denied.  She says and I quote, “This is too much foreplay, just (curse word) me and I’ll go home.”

You don’t need to tell me twice.  After coitus, I go wash the slimy condom feeling off my (curse word.) She pulls me back into the room and says she wants to do it again.  Good for her but I don’t.  It is 3 a.m. and I inform her that if she makes me wear a condom again I will have sex until 7 a.m.

Now here is the funny part.  She says I don’t have to wear a condom.  I ask her if she is just drunk or stupid because I know she is not on birth control.  She retorts, “What is the worst that could happen?”  She is stupid.  I know she is not even on birth control.  After our five minute round table about the ‘worst that could happen’ she tells me that even if she were with child she would never keep it, not make me pay for half of the procedure, and would not even tell me if she were pregnant.  Yes, all those responses were direct results of my questions.

I finally convince her that she is stupid and I am not going skins in.  Then at 3:08 a.m. exactly she is handing out fellatio to me on our kitchen counter.

Douchearoo:  You know my roommates are going to walk in the door here any second.

She looks at me with a full mouthed blank expression.

Douchearoo:  I can handle an audience if you can.

Of course she stopped before anyone walked in (I kept trying to push her head down and she didn’t like it; prude.) She walks out and tells me that was fun and “you know where I live.”

The point here is that this could be a semester long of pure fun.  How exciting.

What. A. Douche.  Speaking of douchearoo, I went out to dinner with my friend and old roommate Mercedes last week who douchearoo hates.  She is recently single so she is on the prowl for men as well.  I drove to her hometown about an hour south of where I go to school, which is also conveniently where douchearoo now lives and works.  It’s a big city, so the chances of ever seeing him are slim to none.  We decided to go to a prominent bar area about 7pm that night so that we can sit outside and gawk at the hot guys passing by.  We decide on a bar and as we’re walking up, Mercedes notices 3 guys sitting at a table outside and says to me, “Hey, there’s a table of 3 guys!! We can sit by them and talk to them, it’s perfect!”  As we approach the patio area we notice that the 3 guys are douchearoo, his douchey farmer friend, and his douchey midget roommate.  We immediately turn around and go back from the way we came.  Douchearoo definitely saw us, he turned bright red and put his face in his hands.  Don’t worry douchearoo, I don’t want to talk to your douchey ass either.  Faggot.

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HODGE PODGE!

I don’t really have any juicy stories to share but I have had a hodge podge of weird encounters today that need to be passed along.

First, I’ll just say I just went on a little drivey-poo to rock out to some B-O-B and as I was leaving I saw the guy pull up in the green silver racing stripe cavalier that I used to think was demon jack off poonanis.  When I wrote the first blog about poonanis I thought his roommate had moved out for the summer.  Well the squeaking and jacking off got to be too much so I moved my bed and tv into my roommates old room.  Turns out the roommate didn’t move out.  He is way quieter than poonanis so it’s an ideal situation.  But, when I saw the guy walking up the stairs I thought maybe it’s the roommate of poonanis?  YEP! And I heard him have sex last night.  I’ll just say this ladies, I don’t think we’re missing much.  It sounded like a jack rabbit bouncing around, if you get my drift.  Plus he’s short, the car, AND he’s from New York.  He just screams douchebag and looks like he could have some guido tendencies. We can watch Jersey Shore to get our fill on that bidness.

Next on the list is the conversation I heard happening when I left class this morning and I think it had a lot to do with how I spent my evening, looking for safari animals on google earth (just an fyi – google earth is not as clear in africa as it is in the US it was all pixely.  Such a disappointment!)  I’m not racist by any means but the color of their skin plays a huge role so I’m going to refer to them as black girl #1 and #2. Shit, I may be black for all you know.

Black girl #1: I can relate to care-e-beeeeyan (Caribbean) people because my mamaw is from the care-e-beeeeyan.  So I am a black care-e-beeeeyan African American woman and when people look at me they just think I am African American.  And I be like why don’t you just ax me where I be from? It really pissin’ me off cause I aint just African!

Black girl #2: Girl, I know how you be feelin’.  All dees white peoples think we all be comin’ from Africa.

THEN I see that Black girl #1 has a tattoo on her back, of Africa.  I wonder why people always think you’re from Africa tard banger.

Right before I witnessed this epic epiphany I was sitting in class texting co-blogger lucky about the ensemble my professor was wearing.  Let me set this up for you.  She is probably 27-29, I think she might be from somewhere in South America or she has a lisp.  She has massive curly hair with gnarly looking roots, we’re talking that her hair is naturally dark brown and at one time a long long time ago she had gotten a lot of blonde highlights.  But now they’re bronze and it looks BAAD.  She has shank like teeth and I counted yesterday in 1 class period she said, RIGHT, 385 times – in 1 hour.  So as you can imagine she’s a little out there, right? BAHA I kill myself.  Anyway, she has come in with some bad outfits but nothing like today I sat there the whole entire class period not listening and just repeatedly saying to myself, “she cannot think that looks good.”  She waltzes in and she’s got her big puffy hair pulled back in pigtails (not braided pigtails, don’t give her the benefit of the doubt, these were your standard pigtails) with two lavender scrunchies that were different shades of lavender.  We all remember in Sex and the City when Carrie and Berger almost broke up over a scrunchie comment don’t we?

A scrunchie is bad enough, but 2?! And different colors?!!!! So heading down she had on with her different colored scrunchies rose lipstick.  No other make up, just the scrunchies and the lipstick.  She had on a white button down with some lei jeans, remember from 7th grade?   And tennis shoes.  I desperately want to submit her to What Not to Wear, I think she would be a prime candidate.

In other news, things are on the ups with HOTTIE we were supposed to have a drink on his balcony tonight but poor me has too much work to do.   I mainly said no because it’s taking everything I have not to rip his clothes off when I see him every morning.  I think I’m going to have to hang out with him soon and make an attempt at self control or he’s going to think I’m not interested.  I need to get this while the gettin’ is good and before he finds out I’m 4 years older than him.

I decided that since I probably won’t talk about douchearoo that often I’ll make thirsty Thursday’s the day that I post the next email in the packet of douche I have collected.  We’ll call it Douchey Day for the time being.  TOMORROW IS DOUCHEY DAY!! Look forward to hearing about fellacio on the kitchen counter.

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