Tag Archives: drugs

The Rise and Fall of Crack Day

This past week I got to be the dumper instead of the dumpee.  No, I wasn’t lucky enough to dump an actual guy. I dumped Starbucks, and left it crying on the curb like a little baby.

You see, I haven’t always been a coffee advocate.  After hearing about the Pumpkin Spice Latte for literally the past decade, I decided to give it a try this year.  And then I became obsessed, and then it was all I talked about, and then I got my mom, my aunt, and my 9 year old sister obsessed too and we would have PSL parties on the weekend mornings and run around for the next 6 hours like crackheads in a crackhouse. And then when we came down from our high we would tell each other that we looked like crackwhores. Because we did. Sunken, tired eyes, aimlessly wandering around trying to remember what we needed to do before we drank the PSL. Yes I know, I am a horrible horrible person, I got a 9 year old addicted to espresso. But what the fuck ever, Italians let their kids drink espresso and they turn out all right.


jersey shore

Right?

Then I found this food challenge I wanted to try. It’s 30 days long and while you can have 1 cup of black coffee a day, we all know that the PSL is no where close to being black coffee. So I had to quit. Lucky suggested that I just straight up eat espresso beans like a fiend, but I think for the sake of everyone else I’ll just stop with the coffee all together. 

So that brings us to the breakup. You see, Fridays were my crack day. I would wake up with a shit eating grin on my face every Friday, first and foremost because it was Friday, but also because I got the crack on Fridays. My PSL and my cinnamon roll.

cinnamon heaven

(I’m convinced that in Heaven people swim in PSL and have cinnamon roll pillows.)

Each Friday I would get to work throw my shit down and skip off to Starbucks without a care in the world. After a few weeks my co-workers started to notice that after returning from my coffee run, I would ping from the walls for the next 4-6 hours and get absolutely no office related work done. I became a different person, I was a sociable spaz and told people (everyone, separately) in the office my opinions on things like cloth diapers and flavored beer. No one cared, but they loved it. After about a month of said behavior, when I would come to work on Fridays some would chant, “Crack day! Crack day! Crack day!” The pressure became too much, so when I decided to do the 30 day challenge I had to break it to everyone that the coming Friday would be my final crack day.  They cried, but they’ll get over it. Eventually.

When I went to Starbucks for my Final Crack Day, I broke the news to Jake the Barista (Baristo? What the hell do you call boy Baristas?) that he would not see me for at least the next month, possibly forever if I could withstand it, and that I really appreciated him always warming my cinnamon roll to the perfect temperature, hot enough to melt the frosting but not so hot that it burnt my mouth.  Jake was sad to see me go, he even drew little sad faces on my cup. But at last, we parted ways.

And that is how I dumped the PSL and cinnamon roll. The best relationship I’ve ever had.

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Homeless Harriet

I hate everyone.  Like seriously.  I thought my life was starting to semi-get in order. I’ve been reading literary masterpieces so that I have intellectual things to talk about with Dr. Love, my car situation is finally under control, Lucky booked a flight to come here over her birthday/the fourth of July, I’m about to move into a room with not only 4 walls and a door, but a walk in closet with places to hang my clothes, AND a bathroom; life was good.  Then I get thrown under the bus like I’m invisible, yet again.  Right before the end of my work day yesterday I get this email from Anth:

To: Gizzy, Doogie

Subject: roommate

How do you guys feel about Tim moving in? He’s either moving in, getting a single, or getting a double with me he says.  I don’t see myself moving out so the last one probably can get tossed from the list.  He would pay the $900 for the bigger room and parking for sure.  Plus, he doesn’t do blow anymore.  So, score.  He’s probably going to come over Monday or Tuesday, whenever the next game is on to talk about it.

I was instantly fuming, texted Lucky that I would be calling her in 5 to vent, and got the hell out of work.  If you all remember when I moved up here I explained that I live in the den in the basement aka the dungeon, where it is cold, dark, and loud.  My bed is literally 2 feet from the furnace, air conditioning, the front door, and the garage door.  Not to mention anytime anyone makes any kind of noise in the living room or kitchen the noise in amplified in my room times 100.  So, when JM informed us he would be moving out memorial day weekend I was more than ecstatic to take over his room. Even if it did mean almost tripling what I pay now in rent.

Anth never really took my vow to move upstairs seriously, and asked me every other day if I was going to take over JM’s room when he moved out.  The answer was always a yes, without hesitation.  So it was quite a surprise to get this email 2 weeks before JM moves out, especially when we just talked the other day about how JM would forfeit his security deposit over to me so that he didn’t have to notify the landlord that he was moving out and have him come in and do an inspection and all that goodness.  Everything was all set, until this.  

Lucky and I kind of came to the conclusion that maybe he was trying to lock in a more permanent roommate since I had clearly stated from the beginning to them that if Lucky moves here, I am outro and living with her.  But, since that wouldn’t be for at least another 4 or 5 months I didn’t think looking for a replacement roommate was that big of an issue yet.  We had also decided that I shouldn’t reply to the email and I should confront him face to face when I got home, clearly this talk with Tim has been going on for a while and this was just the first I was hearing about it, Anth was obviously trying to be passive aggressive so he didn’t have to tell me I am getting the boot to my face.  While we’re on the phone Doogie replies to the email:

Yes. That’s awesome.  I see myself rocking out waaaaaaaay more hahahahaha

Really? I thought if anyone was going to have my back it would be Doogie since he is the most level headed one out of the bunch.  Clearly not.  So I get home from work, all fired up, stomp up the stairs in my stilettos and pencil skirt ready to go hammer on Anth, and of course this is THE ONE DAY he isn’t home when I get home.  And he doesn’t show up until 8pm at night, clearly to ensure everyone else is already home knowing I don’t want to be a drama queen and go off on him in front of everyone, I’m sure.

Anyway, when I saw he wasn’t home I decided I had no choice but to reply to the email because I couldn’t hold in my anger any longer:

So I don’t deserve 4 walls and a door anymore, asshole? I don’t even know who the fuck Tim is.

No reply.  Pretty typical, now he was scared.  Hence the not coming home until 8pm.  He walked in, we had a living room full of people and I immediately gave him the death glare.  He was able to put the subject off for a good 10-15 minutes until Doogie brought it up.  Anth looked at me and says, “Yeah, you don’t have to get so defensive, obviously the room is yours if you want it, I was just explaining all our options.”  Everyone stared at me for a response so I just repeated what the email said when Doogie’s girlfriend Patty chimed in, “Clearly Gizzy has paid her dues and deserves the room, YOU DICK!”  Thank you, Patty! Anth defends himself, “Well I just wanted to give you the choice since it’s a lot more expensive.” I just turned my head away to watch tv.  Bastard.

After I retreated to the dungeon for the night to go to bed I hear Doogie ask Anth, “So what’s the deal with Tim moving in?” to which Anth replied, “Well obviously if Gizzy wants the room it’s hers.  Tim could live downstairs but I really don’t think he’d be up for that.  So if he moved into JM’s room it would be cheaper for everyone.”

Well heres some news assholes, if Tim moves into JM’s room – Gizzy moves out! Ooohhh, now it’s more expensive for everyone and there will be no one around to buy things like dishsoap, papertowels, toilet paper, and trashbags, or to clean up after you filthy animals.  How ’bout them apples?  Assholes.

PLUS! And I quote, “He doesn’t do blow anymore.  So, score.”  Ummmmm… have fun tracking down your new 60 inch flat screen when that crack head sells it for drug money.  Idiots.  They’ll be sorry.

Reason # 17,834 why I HATE men.

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Captain Single!

HO-LA! First and foremost can we have a moment of silence for Lucky’s lappy.  R.I.P. lappy.  Secondly, I would like to apologize for my leave of absence, I’ve been doing research for the blog.  Research of the male anatomy.  Badabing!

Last time in my dream world The Captain was large and in charge with a girlfriend.  Everything is the same.  Except sans girlfriend.  I think. I’ll take a moment for you to do your happy dance.

We had our first date Sunday night and since then we have gotten into approximately 434242340593 arguments.  But they are hot.  We went to a steakhouse, I ordered steak he ordered chicken.  We can all see who wears the pants in this relationship. That’s me, Gizzy the pants wearer.  And we went to see social network followed by a hot make out sesh and some heavy petting.  We went on our 2nd date Monday night for frozen yogurt and another movie.  All is right with the world and now we can get married and have lots of babies with little baby abs right? No.

Yesterday he called me slightly less than a gazillion times because he has a nasty butt dialing habit, so every day I get about 4 voicemails where I can listen to him at the bank, or singing along to Miley in his car, or even him hanging out with a girl. Which is what happened yesterday.  I couldn’t decipher the whole conversation since the message was a little muffled but from what I rounded up it sounded like him and Mystery Woman were having a conversation involving the words, “You need to try harder,” coming from her.  Then I get a text from Captain’s Ex Crystal asking if I can cover her shift on Sunday.  I say sure and ask if The Captain has the materials and she says, let me ask him, and .2 seconds later responds with yep he says he does.   Riddle me this, Mystery Woman + Captain + Convo about something where The Captain needs to “try harder” + Captain’s Crystal getting a response out of The Captain asking if he has my materials BEFORE The Captain responds to my text asking why his butt wants to talk to me so bad = The Captain did not really break up with Captain’s Crystal and they were hanging out.  This is just a hunch.  So I think I have fallen for some trickery.  And I’m ok with it, because you know what I got a steak, a bottle of wine, some custard, and 2 movies out of it.   So all is fair in love and war as long as I’m getting free stuff.

Last night I go to where The Captain and The Captain’s Crystal go to school to see my friend who is in visiting her parents and swing by The Captain’s to get my Captain garb for the weekend.  You all know how this story goes, he looked good, things happened, clothes got ripped, condoms were snapping and babies were made.  That’s how it went in my head.  But what really happened was he got uber pissed off because I told him I couldn’t hang out with him anymore, sober.  Yeah, why I couldn’t just leave it as I can’t hang out with you anymore?  I had to throw in sober. When I’m drunk, of course I’ll come running back for some hot hot lovin’.  So instead of telling me how he really feels he takes it out on the box he’s shoving into my trunk.

About an hour later he calls and I get this voicemail, “Look I’m angry about this because I didn’t just want to have sex with you I wanted to build something with you…” he rambled on and on about how I’m the most awesome person he’s ever met, but you don’t want to hear about that.  The first line is what is pertinent to the rest of the story.   I think this is the first time any guy has ever actually pulled that line on me.  So, he’s 22 (yes, I’m still 25) and he doesn’t just want sex? He must be gay.  It’s all a cover up, this whoooole thing is just so I will go and tell all of our Captain pals about how vagina crazy he is.  Anyway, at the end of the voicemail he yammers on about how he is going to take everything slow because he wants to “get to know me” I think what he really wants is to get to know my boobs.  But, I’ll keep thinking of him as a playa playa and see what else I can conjure up about Mystery Woman and if he really broke up with Captain’s Crystal.  I hope you all know I do this for the blog, and essentially for you.  I don’t love drama so much that I go out looking for it. BAHAHA I almost had myself convinced on that one.  That’s a lie, I love drama.  Bring. It. On.

In other news I got rejected by Gargles Swab.  That means they think I’m a loser in layman’s terms and didn’t give me the job.   I see now why they had to have all that security because I want nothing more than to bust in there right now and demand that they give me $75.  $50 for gas and $25 for emotional suffering.  I think it would hold up in court.  And I bet they would give it to me. Especially when they found me hand cuffed to Josh Duhamel’s desk demanding a good pillaging or money.  I’m not really this big of a whore.  I just like to joke about it.  That’s not true either, I am.  Actually I’m not.  I’m just going to stop.

I missed teen mom last night. So naturally I’m so pissed off today that I want to punch someone’s lights out.  Here’s the thing with having children.  My mom wasn’t a teen mom, she was actually 42 when she had my sister but she did something wrong.  Yesterday my sister pulls me into her room to show me the 5 Justin Bieber posters she hung on her wall

Then my roommate (mom) comes in and tells me that she pretends Justin Bieber is her brother and Selena Gomez is her sister.  I mean, so what the fuck am I? The red headed step child? Guess so! Because then my roommate (mom) tells me that when my sister wakes up in the middle of the night she asks what Justin Bieber is doing and my roommate (mom) says, “Oh he’s in his room playing his guitar.”  And when they went to Khols the other day she was asking if “bubby” could stay in the car.  Personally, I think my mom needs to start checking her backpack for drugs.  Because the kid is on some psychedelics.  And here’s the other thing, if whatever she is on makes her see Justin Bieber, Lucky and I want some.

I’m going to bid you ado with this, my future family portrait.

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The fall of Snoop-Linus

I’m so proud of myself for getting these posts a rollin.  It’s 12:53 and I am even more proud of the fact that I am awake.  Yesterday I had a whole blog written out of what went down between Snoop-Linus and myself because I have been missing him and thought some reminders of the monumental douche that he is would make them go away.  It didn’t, and the story was long and depressing so I’ll give you the short version in 3rd person list form because it’s fun:

-Gizzy eyes Snoop-Linus in class and raves about how hot he is

-Gizzy approaches Snoop-Linus at bar, they talk, they flirt, they hold hands, they exchange numbers, they make out, they go home together (no sexy time, I’m classy)

-They fall in love

-3 months down the road while Gizzy is sick Snoop-Linus takes another girl(who is a beast/whore #1) to a movie, stays at her house, and makes out with her.  Gizzy is on it and drives by the girls house and sees his car at 4am.

-Gizzy confronts Snoop-Linus he has no way out and ignores her for 2 days.

-Gizzy and Snoop-Linus finally talk, Snoop still has no way out and says he wants a break.  Gizzy says a break up will be fine and Snoop sucks her back in.

-All is fine in the world for the next seven months

-Gizzy and Snoop get in a fight, they make up, Gizzy goes to visit a friend, Snoop is acting weird.  Gizzy wakes up in the morning and drives back to school to try and catch him because she has a feeling something went down.

-Gizzy walks in Snoop’s door, sees a pair of heels outside of his room, walks in the room, and sees him in bed with another girl(whore #2.)  Game over.

-Gizzy is stupid and takes him back after he begs and pleads for 2 weeks to never talk to whores again.

-A month later Gizzy finds a facebook conversation between Snoop and whore #1 saying he doesn’t regret that night, when whore #1 asked if Gizzy knew about that night Snoop lies and says no.  Gizzy goes bazerk. Instead of talking/fighting about the situation Snoop breaks up with Gizzy. Again.

-Gizzy, being a fool takes him back but doesn’t tell anyone.

-A month later Gizzy goes to training for work for 3 hours and comes home to find Snoop-Linus not at home and ignoring her calls and texts.

-After some detective work Gizzy finds that Snoop has taken a new whore (whore #3) on a date to their favorite restaurant.

-When Snoop answers his phone the next day, instead of being sly Gizzy screams, “Did you cheat on me again you piece of shit!!?” Snoop lies and says no, tells Gizzy he’ll call her later and hangs up.

-Gizzy gets this text: I need to be by myself for a while and be single and figure my own shit out just want to be alone, havent had time to just think about me as selfish as it sounds.

(This text is bullshit because I am that one that kept his shit together, without me he would have been dead in a gutter on a drug overdose, and probably would be now if he hadn’t moved back in with his parents. That’s what you get for being a nice girl who doesn’t do drugs, you get dumped.  Ugh.  Fuck off.  Anger is BACK!)

-Gizzy finds out that Snoop-Linus slept with whore #3  the day after whore #3 slept with the quarterback of the football team.  Who Snoop-Linus and Gizzy both know has herpes.  And Gizzy out for good.

So that’s the low down.  I think I just miss him because I’m sitting at home on my ass with no job and no boy and he finally quit trying to get me back a few weeks ago and he has been friending a lot of girls on facebook.  Petty I know, but it bugs me.

On a brighter note, I am going up to school tomorrow to see Bri and acts gay but says he’s straight friend Adam.  Bri says she talked to HOTTIE and he wants to see me again, so apparently it’s in the works.  We’ll see.  I know I sound desperate, and I am.  Anyone want to hire me now?!

Our top search results today so far have been “piss her pants” and “sex tips for a bent penis” I don’t know about Lucky but I am proud to have created a blog that yields search results like that.

And last but not least, last night I was helping my sister brush her hair after her bath, I sprayed some detangler on her hair when she tells me, “That spray smells like weenies.”

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