Tag Archives: drunk

I carbed out… sowwwy!

If anyone was keeping track you might have guessed that my 30 day paleo challenge is over and I have been busy stuffing my face with all the carbs in sight, so I haven’t had time to blog plus my hands were dirty with donut jelly. Ain’t nobody got time to be havin’ sticky keys cause they dint wash they hands. Ya feels me!? 

So I was looking through some photos on my phone so that I could post pictures of my favorite paleo recipes, when I found this:

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That my friends is a selfie of me smelling flowers at a bar on a Saturday night. Flowers that weren’t even mine, mind you. Remember how pissed I was that Gigi got what I thought should have been my flowers? This is them, and now I understand why he gave them to her instead of me. This is the kind of thing you can look forward to now that I’m back on the booze train.

Anyway, here is one of my favorite recipes that I tried during the challenge.  This one I found on paleoplan.com

Garlic chicken, red pepper, and mushroom sauce on a bed of asparagus 

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Ingredients:

  • 1 lb boneless, skinless chicken breasts, diced
  • 2 Tbs olive oil, divided
  • 1/2 tsp sea salt (optional)
  • 1/4 tsp freshly ground black pepper
  • 1/2 tsp chili powder
  • 1 clove garlic, minced
  • 1 medium yellow onion, diced
  • 8-10 white button or cremini mushrooms, sliced
  • 2 red bell peppers, sliced
  • 1/3 cup coconut milk

Instructions:

  1. Marinate chicken in 1 Tbs olive oil, sea salt (optional), black pepper, chili powder and garlic. Refrigerate for 1 hour.
  2. Shortly before meal time, heat 2 medium skillets over medium-high heat.
  3. In one, saute marinated chicken until browned and almost fully cooked.
  4. Heat 1 Tbs olive (or coconut) oil in the other skillet. Add onion and saute for about 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add mushrooms and continue to cook until tender.
  5. Add red pepper, coconut milk and browned chicken and stir. Cook for an additional 5-10 minutes, or until the chicken is completely done.

I made mine into a smaller portion and loaded it on top of some boiled asparagus annnnd it was delicious! Now, please excuse me while I help myself to a package of E.L. Fudge cookies. NOM!

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Part three: The final straw.

You are all probably wondering why there is even a part three; believe me, I was very frustrated, scared, and upset at this point. But I didn’t want to give up.

Even my cynical heart had hope that things would turn around and we could go on like this didn’t happen. But in the weeks following the bar fight, we were very distant.

I built walls around me, just waiting for that third thing to happen when I would say, “That’s it! I’m out of here.”

It happened on a Wenesday night… or rather, a Thursday morning at 4 am. D was texting me, drunk. Actually, he was wasted—most of the texts were just random letters, like he was slamming his fingers down on his phone and sending them to me.

Some words I could read, like him telling me he was going to go back to “someone else.”

That was it. He was drunk again, and now telling me he was going to cheat. Two things I absolutely cannot and will not tolerate.

I replied and told him it was over.

He continued to text me passive aggressive bullshit, but I turned off my phone and tried to get some sleep.

The next morning, D sent me a message saying he couldn’t do this anymore. I took it as him trying to turn the tables and break up with me, but I told him it was already over. Later, he explained that he just meant the crazy drinking, but it doesn’t ultimately matter. It was over.

D is an alcoholic.

When I tell people that, most of them just say, “Well yeah he works in the service industry,” but it’s not that. Alcoholics aren’t just people who like to drink; they have a very serious problem.

It broke my heart to have to let D go… but I know I must make a better life for myself. I have no fucking clue how I keep finding myself in these situations—never ever ever in my darkest nightmares did I think I would be dating a guy like this.

The day after we broke up, I had my locks changed as D had a key to my place. I didn’t think he’d even try to come over, but I’m going out of town soon and didn’t want to take any chances.

That Saturday morning, I woke up at 5 am to pounding on my door. D was outside, drunk, with a styrofoam cup of Crown in his hand.

I am still so very heartbroken. As pathetic as it may sounds, I just want one of these relationships to work. I want to be loved.

I hope that D gets the professional help he needs before something else terrible happens. But I cannot rescue him, help him, or stand by and watch as things unfold anymore.

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Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dumb

I didn’t hang out with Sweater Vest and Dina on Friday, I didn’t hang out with 2nd crush on Saturday. Instead, I hung out with Acts Gay but Says He’s Straight Friend Adam.  He just moved to the big city and we had to go out and do it right.  Doing it right included going to an outdoor rooftop bar, yes please.  Then we traversed the city to see all the sights, each with a 6 pack in tow.  I gave a homeless guy a beer, he took 1 sip and then wasted it, I got pissed and told the next homeless guy to go fuck himself.  Trouble ensued, and acts gay but says he’s straight friend Adam had to give the guy his last dollar so we wouldn’t get beaten.  Then, I sass talked multiple security guards and we got in more trouble and got kicked out of a park.  This is why I will never be a suitable mother.  All in all it was a good night, and at 2am I was walking home from the subway alone, which I’ve never done and it wasn’t so bad.  I had High School Crush on the phone to keep me company/make me feel like if I got mugged I’d be ok. 

When I got home and got into bed HSC and I were texting and he texted me something really sweet about how he wished I was there – to which I did not reply because I was face first into my pillow having a drunken snooze fest.  When I woke up 10 hours later, hungover as all hell, I was all, “Me too!” And asked him a question about the rest of his night.  I never got a response, and here it is Tuesday, and I’m still waiting….

Let me backup here, High School Crush and I have talked every single day since about oh March or so.  I’m trying not to freak out, but we’re on day 3 and this behavior is peculiar.  Right now I’m chalking it up to the fact that he’s probably overwhelmed because he’s closing on his house this week and trying to get the guts to double text, but I’m afraid I might not get a response, again. 

My horoscope for the week made me feel a little better… Beauty is nice, but it’s intelligence that turns on a lady like you. After all, substance is the only way to keep you interested, as superficial challenges can only excite for so long. Lucky for you this week will be a mind twister that will tease you in all the right ways. Seems curiosity will thrill your cat, and have you purring a sweeter tune.

That’s a good sign, right?

Tonight Dina and I are going to a baseball game, so that should do a good job of keeping me occupied and not checking my phone like a psycho.  Or it will backfire because I’ll get really drunk and text something inappropriate.  Tune in Thursday to see what happens in this hot mess.

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Shark Week… can attack everyone!

First, I must say that I am considering offering an etiquette/how to not be a lazy slob class to my co-workers.  Riddle me this friends, if I can HEAR you coming toward my desk from the copy room because you don’t pick your feet up when you walk, does that make you feel good about yourself? Do you think you’re a good person because you drag your feet?  I don’t.  I know, dragging your feet has nothing to do with being a good person, but it really pisses me off.

We’ll call this individual K-Money… because… I want to.   Not only does K-Money drag her feet everywhere she walks, she’s a mumbler and TALKS in short hand.   Maybe she really doesn’t talk in short hand, I just can’t understand her so I have to ask her what every word means so that I understand what she is trying to say.   She’s not the only one that drags her feet though.  I also work with an old asian man who tries to convince me on the daily to come live in his house, but he does it too.  Like is that what happens when you get old? You drag your feet and try to adopt out of towners as your children?

Anyway, just needed to get that off my chest because it’s been driving me nuts for about the past 7 months.

So, on to shark week.  Yesterday Lucky informed us all that she doesn’t get the big hooplah over Shark Week and thinks we’re lame for loving it.

Personally, I love Shark Week because any other time of the year when you watch the discovery channel you’re watching really boring shit.  Like how grasshoppers mate (actually, I’d like to see that…but you get it sharks > grasshoppers). 

I didn’t really become obsessed with sharks or Shark Week until last summer when I had my run in with a barracuda (a type of shark).  ALSO, while on that trip I rode a scooter around the bottom of the ocean, saw a few sharks, and pissed my pants. 

I’m going to Hawaii over Christmas with my family and have already begun to look in to where I want to take surf lessons.  So I watched the Shark Week specials Monday night where Sharks were attacking surfers, divers, and beach goers in Austrailia a few summers ago.  I learned some valuable tips – Go for the eyes and that was really it. 

I think everyone else loves Shark Week because Sharks eat people.  So I took the liberty of googling other animals that eat people.  There are a few that I would also like to see discovery channel dedicate an entire week to such as:

-Komodo Dragons

-Hyenas

-Driver Ants

I know what komodo dragons and hyenas are… but seriously, wtf is a driver ant.  You are not seriously telling me there are ants out there eating people.

Cocktails at Tiffany’s investigates…

-So they are found mostly in Africa (standard) and some Asian tropics

-They are also known as army ants, dorylus, or safari ants

-When they attack people it’s because they are short on food and form marching lines of up to 50,000,000 ants.  50 million!!!!!!!!!!

-They have stingers, but their bite is what kills

-They’re blind

-When they kill people they usually kill babies or the immobile (old people) and consume them.  ANTS… consuming people.  It’s true.

-The males are known as sausage flies.  HAHA

-Africans use them as emergency sutures.  When they receive a gash they make the ant clamp down on the wound with their jaws and then rip the body off. 

That’s about it.  I hope everyone keeps this in mind when traveling to Africa.

So, in other news… I had to go to the dentist yesterday and almost died.  Like for real, there was blood, I was unconcious, it was not fun, and I’ll never go back.

I went in a few weeks ago for a routine cleaning, told my dentist that I regularly had steak getting caught in between two of my molars (food trapping as they in the biz like to call it) and that I thought that one of them might be chipped.  So she takes a looksie and tells me that I have a filling in that tooth and part of it had come out so there was food stuck in the hole where the filling used to be.  Awesome.

So I schedule my appointment to get the filling redone for yesterday.  I show up they start numbing my mouth and in comes the dentist to tell me that the two teeth that I experience the food trapping between both have old fillings in them and it would be best for her to redo them both, because one of them is flat and ones round and it won’t cure the problem blah blah blah.  So I say ok, fork out another $200 for the second filling and think thats it. 

She gets in there with her drill and finds all kinds of problems, says that because there was food stuck INSIDE the tooth there are additional cavities within the same tooth and she’s going to have to do some “reconstructive” work on the tooth.

What it all boils down to is they had to put me out because I couldn’t handle it.  There was blood and I was swallowing blood and kept thinking I was going to barf so out I went. 

I woke up to find one large supertooth that now consumes what used to be 2 of my molars.  It still looks like 2 teeth, but they basically bonded them together and I can’t floss between them, nor will I ever experience “food trapping” in that area again.  So I guess problem solved.  But now I’m a freak with a giant tooth.

As if that wasn’t bad enough, I couldn’t eat for the rest of the day and hadn’t eaten since about 10 am so I was starving, drunk on laughing gas, felt sick to my stomach, and couldn’t feel my face all at the same time.  Not to mention I bit my tongue so hard that it started gushing blood and didn’t realize it, because I couldn’t feel it.  None the less, I’m at work today and I’m alive.  Mission complete.

 

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Hey Little Boy, Want a Beer?

As if last week with my black eye, important meeting, and getting reprimanded by a clerk at target on my purchase wasn’t bad enough, it was opening weekend in major league baseball.  We all know that is a holiday to be celebrated.  A group of my friends (roomies included) and I all got tickets for our local team’s Saturday game.  We went to the bar as soon as it opened (10 am) and as expected the day was a drunken mess.

Not only did I see The Bed Wetter with his girlfriend and sister in tow an hour into the day, but I managed to get 10-15 beers down the hatch before things went sour, and thankfully I wasn’t alone.  Between the 9 of us it’s safe to say 150 beers lost their life that day.  I wish we could use the excuse that we’re still in college so that it would be acceptable but we’re not, and it’s not.  We’re adults and people are starting to get married and have kids and by god we need to grow up.

I ran kicking and screaming away from The Bed Wetter after he invited me to get a drink and hang out with them, made my way to the game, grabbed my 2 beer limited per transaction, told everyone in our group the story about The Bed Wetter and how he is a lying cheating assmunch, and hunkered down for the game.

Unfortunately there was a family that posted up directly in front of us.  I thought it would be ok since the girls sat behind the family and the guys sat behind us, it wasn’t.  They had a little girl who passed out in the middle of the game and busted her face on the bleachers, instead of being good parents and leaving to get her face checked out they handed her a napkin and continued to watch the game.  Lucky for them one of the girls that was with us let the little girl lean on her legs to get her nose to stop bleeding.  Unlucky for them, the little boy was sitting in front of me and it’s a good thing he was only 5 or 6 and doesn’t know how awesome beer is because each time I got up I and bought 2 beers he was offered one of them.  I know! I’m so horrible, but I thought it was really funny and I wouldn’t have really given a 6 year old a beer. I’m not a bad person.  The parents finally caught on to him turning around and going, “ICK!! ” And sticking his tongue out and asked that I kindly stop offering their child alcohol, but they laughed it off  and didn’t find security to have me arrested and told him they were proud of him for not giving into peer pressure.  Which made me laugh that they called me a peer to a 6 year old.  Hrmm… :/  Ah, well.

So, the game ended which was when I decided that would be a good time to go to the bathroom.  Anth warned me that they weren’t going to wait for me because they’d get escorted out before I would be able to get back (it wasn’t until after the fact, yesterday actually, that he told me he warned me they wouldn’t be there.  I walked back totally expecting them to still be at our seats.) to get back so to just call them and come meet them.  So I did, which is when the conversation that ruined the day came, it went something like…

Anth: Come to the bar down the street

Me: I don’t know where that is! Come get me!! I can’t believe you left me, wahhhh!!

Anth: It’s right down the street you dumb bitch

Me: DON’T CALL ME A DUMB BITCH!!!

There was a little more, but the dumb bitch part is all that’s still really clear to me.   I hung up on him and texted him that I was going home, then he was all “you would…” And I snapped that I didn’t move in with them to get disrespected, I’m not some dumb skank that they can hump and dump (yeah I don’t know, no humping or dumping has occurred) so don’t treat me like I am.

Eventually he apologized and offered to do my laundry but not after I made the 3 1/2 mile walk back to the apartment, which is also where I found that the hood of my jacket was filled with peanuts and peanut shells.  Thanks friends.  Too drunk to hail a cab or get aboard public transit I unsnapped my hood and continued my journey home while leaving peanut shell “breadcrumbs” along my path.

Something like an hour and a half later I made it home, passed out for the next 2 days and all is right with the world.  So there you have it, my big weekend.  These are the kinds of summer stories you have to look forward to.  I just hope none of them ever end with “and then the cops showed up.”

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Ring a ling

It happened.   The Christmas gift of all Christmas gifts is placed upon my finger (actually it’s sitting in the box looking at me because I’m freaking out)…

That’s a right ring finger there, not jinxing us again, Lucky!

I know, 3 pictures is overkill, but it’ll probably never happen again so I’m going to bask in it.

That’s gonna be your white gold band, aquamarine stone there in the middle, and chocolate diamonds on the outside (do I sound like one of those fancy schmancy jewelers? No?), I know you’re all waiting for the big clincher, that my dad or sister got me this lovely piece of jewelry, but that would be incorrect.  I actually got it from a guy, and that guy is…. *drumroll please*

HOTTIE MCHOTTERSON.

I guess I have a little explaining to do.  Most of you probably don’t remember who HOTTIE is, because he is an early character from the blog who only appeared in a few (10-12) posts in during our first few months.  For those of you who wish to read up on your HOTTIE literature:

My first HOTTIE encounter

My first date with HOTTIE

When HOTTIE took me home

The night I effed everything up with HOTTIE

When HOTTIE gave me a second chance and I effed it up, again

For those of you who don’t want to read the full HOTTIE run-down let me give you a short briefing,

HOTTIE is an ex-friend of my ex-boyfriend, thanks to me.  We ran into each other on the street one day, made plans to hang out, dated most of this past summer, I met his parents, we planned a wedding and a family, I got drunk and laid down in his elevator, then accidently answered the phone and let my ex-boyfriend hear us chattin’ it up one night which caused a full on brawl, and HOTTIE never called me again, with good reason.  Until recently.

About a month and a half ago I went to my alma mater to see my friends, we went out, I saw HOTTIE… this was the half post I wrote on it after it happened:

The last thing I remember was looking at my Ciroc Redberry bottle thinking  that it was almost gone and it would probably be a good idea for me to stop, but I didn’t.  Gigi informed me that once we arrived to the bar I immediately spotted HOTTIE and gave him the cold shoulder/ignored him for a solid 45 minutes until he brought over shots and won my heart again.  My online banking statement informed me that I spent upwards of $80 at one bar.  Since my phone died before I started drinking, these are the only types of evidence I have, my vagina informed me that we did not have sex.  And HOTTIE informed me that I smooth talked him well enough to want to start talking to me again/not thinking I’m a lush (I know, HOW?) and to treat me to breakfast and some heavy texting.  I won’t lie, I am quite excited I drank HOTTIE back into my life.  He’s the only decent guy I’ve ever semi-dated, with the exception of the time he threw me under the bus, but everyone gets a freebie, I mean I did lay down half naked in his elevator and find mystery poop outside of my apt the following day.  I think we’re even. But I also forgot until just this second that he’s 21. Damnit.

I was just watching Conan and Maroon 5 was performing when it occurred to me if I had to compare HOTTIE to anyone it would be Adam Levine:

I think everyone can see why the subject of losing HOTTIE MCHOTTERSON has been so troubling for me.

I haven’t seen HOTTIE since then but he calls and texts me every day.   It didn’t really occur to me that anything was going on between us until he called me on Christmas eve and asked if I could come up Sunday for a holiday party some family friends were having.  Mind you, HOTTIE lives about 3 hours away, so it was going to be quite a haul, he also lives 30 minutes from my new job so I figured I could kill two birds with one stone and go apartment hunting on Monday (which didn’t happen.)  Then, he told me he bought me a Christmas present so I was definitely on board, because if there’s one thing I love, it’s presents.  But, that meant I had to get him one.  He had mentioned these new shoes that came out that he wanted so I got him those and pretty much won his heart all over again because duh, I’m the best.

I was talking to Lucky last night about how it is a little awkward, HOTTIE and I haven’t had the talk, I honestly thought it was going to be one of those types of relationships where I give him a call when I go to my alma mater to see my friends and we get drunk and make out, I was never expecting a ring.  Even though I have complained to him for the past month about how no one buys me jewelry AND made him watch the Tiffany’s commercial with Neal Bledsoe (who BTW still has not confirmed my facebook friend request) in it about 25 times with me on the phone, I wasn’t expecting him to get me a ring.  I honestly have no idea why this guy likes me.  I mean I have decent boobs but that only goes so far.

But, when he handed me the bag I knew it was jewelry and I couldn’t decide whether to throw up or cry, thankfully I did neither, I just put it on my hand, said it was pretty and shiny, and waved it in front of his face, I basically have to ruin everything.  We went to the party where his family and family friends were all dressed to the nines and his mom ran up and was all, “Ooooh let me see The Ring!” I’m like whoa whoa whoa, we did not just get engaged, this is a birthstone ring, and we have been talking a month and a half and he’s still only 21, this means he will most likely buy MANY many more rings.  She blabbed on about how he was soooo excited to give it to me and could hardly contain himself.  HOTTIE is cute, this melted my heart a little bit, such a wee young lad.

Now here I am, sitting here with this ring from this guy who I don’t know if he is my boyfriend or my MOB (make out buddy, another fun fact, we haven’t slept together yet.)  And I’m not sure what to do.  I can’t pawn it, right? I mean I like it, I don’t want to pawn it, but what if I get drunk and mess it up again?  Soooo… yeah.  Cheers to Christmas!

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