Tag Archives: easter

Teen pregnancy is NOT a joke

I was paroozing around facebook last night minding my own business when my aunt facebook chats me and says, “Wanna know a secret?” Um DUH! She makes me swear up and down to all things holy that I won’t tell anyone because cats not outta the bag yet.  By this point my mind was really running wild, she lives in Orlando so at first I thought she was going to tell me she was coming for a surprise visit and needed me to pick her up at the airport.  But then she drops The Bomb.  W, my second cousin, is pregnant.

I’m sure most of you are thinking, BFD who gives a rats ass about their second cousins? This guy! My family is way too close and yes I am even close with my second cousins.  Let me do a breakdown of my family tree for you using letters, symbols, and deaf kids:

G&G (Grandma and Grandpa) had 4 kids – Aunt V, Aunt P, My mom, and Uncle L

Aunt V married Uncle T and had 3 kids – Cousin M, Cousin S, and Cousin D

Cousin M had 4 kids by 3 different dads and is pregnant with her fifth child by, you guessed it, a different dad. For those of you who aren’t mathematicians when she pops this one out that will be 5 kids with 4 baby daddy. The kids are-  2nd Cousin W, 2nd Cousin K, 2nd Cousin B, 2nd Cousin M, and now 2nd Cousin Fetus

Is this getting white trash enough for everyone? Because it gets worse.  But this is as far as we need to go because it’s this leg of the family that is completely effed up (as far as babies and baby daddy’s go, we’ll get into debt, drugs, and jail time with the rest of the family some other time.) Really I am like the prized possession of the family, in case anyone was wondering, a college graduate, no ex-husbands, no substance abuse problems, no jail time, manageable college debt, and most importantly no babies and no baby daddy’s, I’m like the golden fucking egg.  With a halo.

Back to the story, so my aunt tells me that 2nd Cousin W is preggers right? Yes Cousin M’s child, who is 17, and who has been with her boyfriend for 2 months, who has buck teeth and a shag hair cut.  I know this is confusing so let me put it as simply as possible, My cousin’s kids, are having kids.  That’s 2 extra generations my cousin made before I made 1.  I mean yes, she is like 9 years older than me, and I was like 8 when 2nd cousin W was born but still.  Let me break it down again from a different point of view, my mother is going to be a Great Great Aunt before she is a grandmother. So not only is 2nd Cousin W pregnant but her mother Cousin M is also pregnant and their due dates are two weeks apart.

Most people would be like OMG THIS IS SO WHITE TRASH I LOVE IT! BUT, it gets worse.  Because not only will these fetus’ be aunt/uncle and niece/nephew to one another and only be a few weeks apart (sooooo Father Of The Bride II isn’t it? No? Right! Because there were only 2 baby daddy’s involved in that sitch) but this is 2nd generation.  THAT’S RIGHT.  It’s happened before. Remember Cousin D, Cousin M’s little sister? Well when Aunt V was pregnant with Cousin D, Cousin M was pregnant with 2nd Cousin W, they’re a few months apart, but still the exact. same. situation.  This here is, yet again, what I like to call… full circle. That’s full fucking circle.

I’m also not a big fan of Cousin M because she is a bitch. So I have been laughing an evil laugh all night long, and then I went out and bought a pregnancy test and took it because, karma and toilet seat.

When Snoop-Linus and I broke up and it said, “Gizzy in no longer listed as ‘in a relationship'” on facebook, instead of reacting how normal people react and saying, “Ohhh I’m so sorry, you’ll be ok.”  She says AND I FUCKING QUOTE, “Smile.  Because I’m getting married again!!!” Bitch.

She does most of her bullying via facebook, my next status:

“Gizzy is setting up an excel spreadsheet for her bills.  Nerd alert.”

Cousin M: Glad to know those 10 years of college has taught u somethin!!!

You know what i have to say to that, HARDY FUCKING HAR with some big buck teeth college taught me simple grammar and how to spell YOU, goddamnit.

It was after this that I asked my mom to put me in anger management because I didn’t want to punch her in the face at the next family get together and upset grandma.  My mom told me not to worry, that Cousin M was simply jealous of my baggage free educated self and that The Sisters would take care of it.  Godddd do I love my mom’s sisters.

Sure enough Easter rolls around and here comes Cousin M with her new husband introducing everyone by simply saying “Hubby T this is Cousin Z, Cousin B, Cousin H, ohh and here’s Gizzy, the one who has been in college for like a decade.” I lunged forward at her with Ella’s snake cage that was loaded with a gardener snake screaming, “LISTEN HERE YOU CUN…” when Uncle L pulls me back and says, “Let them take care of it.” It’s at that time when I see The Sisters (my aunts) circling around Cousin M saying things like, “Why ya always picking on Gizzy? She’s doing something with herself other than popping out kids and marrying whatever comes along.  At least she went to college, unlike you.” ZING! Score one for Gizzy.  That’s exactly what I was going to say except that I was going to make my grandfather roll over in his grave and call her a CUNT in front of the whole family and my grandmother with her virgin ears.  Glad I didn’t have to.  That’s what’s up.

But, my family is like a small community.  We love to hate each other and we’re all so close we know errybody’s business and all gossip about each other, in a loving way.  And that’s exactly why I don’t tell anyone in my family jack shit.  In my grandmother’s eyes I am the holy grail of grandchildren, I’m up there with my grandfather and Jesus on her list of favorite people and I intend to stay there.  When I get to heaven me, Jesus, and my grandpa can form a club and call it Dotty’s Top 3, we might sing too, I don’t know though, don’t push it guys. But it does feel good to be an elite member of heaven’s society.

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Did I just get fired?!

Today something more disturbing than getting fired happened, which I’ll get to getting the boot later.  I roll out of bed at 10am after listening to a jack hammer pound away at the concrete outside of my apartment for 2 hours, hop on my computer, and start to type in the web address for the blog.

Safari has made life just a little bit easier by only requiring me to type in the first four letters of the address and it finishes the rest for me and all I have to do is press enter.  It has become such a habit that I don’t even pay attention to it anymore, I type in cock and press enter.  Easy as pie.  Well last night safari was a pissin me off, so I reset her, clearing out my history and you guessed it autofill cocktailsattitffanys.wordpress.com. So today when I typed in cock and press entered this is what came up:

cock.com.  I’m not really surprised per say.  But my eyes immediately started to dart around the page like I was in a hurry because my mom was going to walk in the room at any moment and bust me for looking up big giant cocks when I’m supposed to be doing my geometry.   Anyway, I just thought I would share because lets hope I’m not the only one that has seen the wrath of cock.com.

On to my story for today.

As I mentioned yesterday I work for a fortune 500 investment company, we’ll call them Whorgan Manley.  Basically I’m an assistant to two financial advisors – we’ll call them Bob and Tom.

Bob is a yip yapper, never shuts up and could be Donald Trump’s twin brother separated at birth.  He’s constantly interrupting my steady work flow to bring me print outs of his predications.  Sometimes they are predictions about what the stock market is going to be doing, but usually not.  The last one I received was about what he thought my life was going to be like in 10 years.  And it was not pretty.  He told me I would be over paying for a house, have no retirement fund, and my children would be deadbeats.  All this information he gathered from the stock market, so he says.  After which, I ran to the bathroom so I could have an ugly girl cry by myself.

Tom on the other hand is a big church man, one with the lord.  He gets worked up over minute things and asks every hour on the hour, “Gizzy, do you have enough work to do?” All because 1 time I left early because I had nothing to do, by request of his assistant.  But, for some reason I feel uncomfortable looking him in the eye.  Which I have learned in the business world could get me a slap on the hand.  I think it’s because around Easter he handed me a business card that was actually an invitation to spend Easter Sunday with him and his family seeing a play about the resurrection of Jesus followed by a home-cooked meal at his house.  I’m not sure what the laws/rules are on interoffice religion chat and I hated to break it to him that I do in fact have a family of my own and I would be spending Easter with them so he could count me as a no.  The guy looked crushed but like what the f? Thats weird.

Anyway, the past few months I have been less than a stellar employee, doing just enough to make it look like I’m busy but mainly cruising the web for good deals on trips.  I don’t have money to take a vacation but it makes my whole day if I can find a good deal.  So yesterday I walk in and Bob and Tom’s assistant Angel asks if I checked my email.  I reply with a slightly more polite version of no dumbass I just got here.  She says no my personal email.  Well no, why would I check it before work? That means I would have to wake up 5 minutes earlier.  So I get on my phone (they have my school’s website blocked. Ugh. Business prudes.) and find this waiting for me:

Gizzy,

I spoke with Bob. We appreciate your hard work and focus on school. He and Tom feel
there is no need for you to come in the rest of this week or next week. Kevin has agreed to take
over your responsibilties until a replacement can be hired, so we will be letting you go early. Thanks for
your help this year and best wishes for your future.

Angel

Sooooo…. did I just get fired?  I asked Angel the same thing and she said oh no no no, we just decided to let you go early so you can focus on school.  Well Angel you know that my classes have been over for a week now and that’s why I’m working more the next few weeks.  She smiled and said “OK! Well good luck with everything and keep in touch!”  So I slummed out of there like I had just been cut from the biggest loser.

So now I’m going to be 25, single, living at home, and unemployed. Life is great.

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