Tag Archives: ex

Douche Day Returns

Happy Jerseday Everyone!!   Let’s start off this fist pumping with a DOUCHE DAY story!

A few weeks ago my friend Dina came up to visit, I haven’t seen her in a year so a reunion was so very necessary.  She came to my apartment one night; we started off with cocktails at my apartment and stories of how we hate men.  We ended the night at an afterhour’s club with my old sorority friend Vickie and that’s all I remember.

I woke up the next morning to Anth pounding on my bedroom door saying Dina was texting him because she needed to get her stuff.  It was literally one of those out of body experiences where I was like, “Really? What happened last night? Am I alive right now?”  I was still in my clothes from the night before, my tv was blaring, the lights were all on, there were ralphing remnants crusted to my face, oh and I was still super wasted. 

Dina showed up an hour later, not pissed off that I had obviously left her at the club to fend for her own.  Apparently we were with a guy she had been dating so she stayed at his house.  Shew!  And I was dancing with his ugly sidekick.  Yuck.  We tried to recrap the rest of the night but failed and failed again.

After a while of diligently searching I found my phone and started to look through the texts and calls to see if I could figure out what had happened.  That’s when I saw it.  A text from: DOUCHEAROO.

The Time:  3:49AM

The Message From DOUCHEAROO:  Was I ever mean to you when we dated?  As in really mean like made you feel awful about yourself?

The Time:  4:02AM

My Reply:  REALLY?!!

—14 hours lapsed time of me coming out of my drunken stupor, being hungover, and wanting to die—

9:59 PM – DOUCHEAROO:  Yes, really.

Me:  You told me I was crazy, a bitch, and dumb while you saved messages from your ex telling you that “you’re wonderful”  and you acted like I was disposable, so yeah I’d say I felt prettttty bad about myself when I dated you.

DOUCHEAROO:  I’m sorry about that.

Me: Uh, thanks.

DOUCHEAROO:  I guess I have been through some shit lately.  So I just wanted to know.  Made me appreciate your level of sanity.

Me: Oh yeah, dealing with some crazy?

DOUCHEAROO:  You have no idea.  (Editor’s note:  HAHA, he deserves it.  Dick.)

Me:  Good luck with that.

DOUCHEAROO:  Noted.  Can I tell you one thing?

Me: What?

DOUCHEAROO:  I’m sorry I took you for granted.  I was stupid and didn’t care.  Just know that any guy is lucky to have you.  Anyone who disagrees is a moron.

Me: Um, thanks?

DOUCHEAROO: Welcome, we did have some good times I thought.

Me: Sure.

DOUCHEAROO: I guess my point is that I’m sorry when I hurt you.  You deserved better.

Me: Yep, 4 years too late with that apology.

DOUCHEAROO:  Just wanted you to know.  Your name is still Gizzysaurus in my phone by the way.

Me: Cool.

DOUCHEAROO:  I miss you.  That’s all I will say.

Annnnnd that’s where I quit replying.  Like you have got to be freaking kidding me!! 

Next message—-

TO: Snoop Linus

From: Gizzy

I HAAAAAATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU.

Right, a little immature and unnecessary but I don’t regret it and I was out of my element so whatever.

Reply from Snoop-Linus 5 days later:  I fucked everything up, all of it.  I just need you back in my life, the past year hasn’t been the same without you.  I love you Gizzy.

Really?  I say I hate you after not speaking to the kid for months I send I hate you and get an I love you I need you back in my life? 

So the lessoned to be learned here is that even at 26 years old I still cannot be trusted with my own cell phone while intoxicated.   

I think getting that “I hate you” out of my system will end the whole Snoop-Linus debacle and I don’t think DOUCHEAROO will be texting me for sometime after getting shot down…. Again.   DENIED!

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I liked Glee Clubs before it was cool

It’s no secret that my life has been a little… how shall I say it… boring.  Lucky is over here getting Bartled and Jamesed left and right and I’m at home playing with my sims.  It makes me think of the Sex and The City Episode when Carrie and Charlotte go to an affirmation reading and the lecturer tells Charlotte she’s not really putting herself out there, and Carrie is all BITCH, PLEASE! I feel like Charlotte, I’m out and about doing things non-alcohol related so I can try and meet some classy people that aren’t all about getting wasted (the wastedness will have to come later once we all get to know each other, obvi) and I’m still not meeting any quality people.  

I thought mayyybe there would be some good people to hang out with at my workout class, the trainer at least.  But no, the trainers just piss me off.  Like how can you have confidence in someone telling you to do an exercise when you’re already in better shape than them?  That’s the case with both of my trainers, especially the girl.  She’s one of those girls who is probably in decent shape but you can’t tell because she’s so thick in the trunk.  Like KimK thick.  Then, because I skipped ONE session she’s all “OMG, GIZZY! I’m SOOOO PROUD OF YOU!” Anytime I show up to class.  And I’m the only one she says it to.  Condescending bitch.  Then, they decide they’re going to make fun of my skinny legs and how I do every exercise wrong and be all, “Oh ahahahahah Gizzy, you’re like my favorite!” Shut the fuck up and go eat a dick, whore.

Anyway, that’s not what today’s post is about.  Since I’m lacking in the guy area I’ve been facebook creeping on friends from college who live in my city and this past weekend I came across this guy Chris’ page.  His status read, “First time back in the studio in 2 years…feels good!” Then I thought, “Studio? What’s he doing in the studio? Ohhhhhhh, right… he’s awesome.” So I liked his status and it brought me back to my college years when I met Chris and I lived in a sorority and became a Glee Club groupie.  

All of my friends made fun of me, told me the Glee guys were lame because most of them were religious and they were genuine nice guys who opened doors for girls and waited for girls to be seated at the table before they sat down, the kind of guys that are impossible to find anymore.  And I’m telling you now, if I had stuck with those Glee guys I would be married to one of them right now.

 It went down like this, my sorority hosted the male Glee Club for dinner one night – in return they serenaded us.  And Chris, head of the Glee Club, assigned himself to me.  Not only were these guys incredible singers/musicians they were all hot, too.  It was EXACTLY like GLEE, minus the trampy whores.  Like I can honest to god say nothing has turned me on more than being serenaded by these guys, it’s the kind of hot that you don’t get every day just walking down the street making out with drunk strangers.

Anyway, they sang and danced and I swooned over them all, we ate dinner, then me and a few of my sorority sisters went to a party with some of them.  I fell in love with Chris’ Glee friend, Levi.  I don’t think anything ever really happened because he was a gentleman and at the time I was all about being drunk (not much has changed), we hung out a few times and remained friends but I was into being a bar rat and he had morals. However, he did put me in the video where he documented the making of his first album. Sigh. 

Now he has a record deal, and he’s out touring the world with his….wife.   I know, I know, if it was meant to be we would’ve ended up together yada yada yada…. we’re not each others soul mates.  BUT, it could’ve happened! If he was still single today I think it would’ve worked out and I wouldn’t have blown him off for some frat boy jock.  Did I forget to mention that Levi asked me to the Glee Club’s Soiree and I turned him down to go to a frat formal? That’s when we stopped hanging out, and the world ended.  UGH!! I’m so pissed off at my 21 year old self for being such a stupid whore.  What can ya do?!


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I’ll kill it. I will.

I don’t know where to start.   There’s 4 things on today’s agenda:

1. I got in trouble at work

2. I got in a fight with Anth

3. I dumped HOTTIE and shoved a fork in his eye.

4. I live with a snake.

But not in that order.  Although that order would make more sense then the order in which it all actually went down.

It all started a few weeks ago before I got the plague and was deemed terminally ill.  I was going home for the weekend for some good old TLC when I decided to stop and have dinner with HOTTIE on my way through.  All was good in the hood until a text popped up on his iphone.  (Iphones.  Blast!) It read:

Text Message WHORE #2

I know that since you’re all up to speed on your outdated Cocktails At Tiffany’s characters you’re sitting there thinking, “Wait a tick, WHORE #2 is a whore of Snoop-Linus.” And with those thoughts you would be correct.  Which is why I was instantly infuriated.  Not only was HOTTIE FULLY aware of my man hating trust issues, he also knew every last detail of what went down with Snoop and all of the whores, #2 included.  So imagine my surprise when I see her name pop up on his phone.  No, I didn’t grab the phone and speed off to the bathroom to analyze every text and then smash it like I wanted to.  I simply said:

“What the fuck is this shit?” (Now mind you, I normally don’t cuss when I am fighting with someone face to face because I think it’s tacky/trashy and we know I’m all about the CLASS.  So I was pretty much as pissed as a Gizzy can get.)

To which he said, “Oh what, WHORE #2? She’s cool, she’s my friend.  She probably wants to party tonight or something.”

Which left me with one choice.  To stand up and stab him in the face with a fork.   Kidding kidding.  Even though I totes wanted to.  But I did make a scene by standing up and throwing my napkin on the table and screaming, “FUCK THIS AND FUCK YOU!” And then I stormed out of the restaurant and realized my car was parked like 2 miles away.  I walked, because I’ll be damned if I was going back in there to look weak and say, “Umm hey, can you take me to my car?” Which is what he totally expected because it took him 2 weeks to call me and apologize.  But he did call.  Sunday – just in time for Valentines Day.

The conversation went down pretty much how you would expect.  He apologized for being the biggest douche on the face of the Earth and I told him an apology didn’t mean jack shit 2 weeks later and he could go live it up on drug island with WHORE #2.  He claimed she’s just a friend, I claimed she’s just a whore. He asked to see me again, I asked where he got the ring so that I could kindly return it, and he hung up on me.  HE hung up on ME.  Yeah wtf, that’s some BULL-shit!

So here I am back to square 1.  Anth feeling ever so sorry for me because I picked another winner and had a crying fit Monday morning when I realized one of our roommates has a boa constrictor living in his room,  (Which I am totes NOT ok with.  Anth claims he told me, which he absolutely did not.  It’s cool though, if I ever see the thing I’m going to kill it, which is what I told him. Don’t go all PETA on me, because I don’t care.  If it ever gets out of it’s cage, it’s dead.  End of story, there is no purpose for a snake in the city and I’m not going to get choked out in the middle of the night and served for dinner because this guy needs to feel like a “man” and own a snake.  No!) offered to take me out for Valentines Day on Monday so I got all ready, I even curled my hair and put on perfume, and then he stood me up.  Some words were exchanged, I went out to dinner with an ex out of spite (like Anth cares), went to work yesterday with what might be the biggest hangover of my adult career and got in trouble.

Here’s the thing, when I was hired and numerous times after that, my boss explained that we have “flex time.”  So we are allowed to come in anywhere between 7:30 and 10 and have to stay 7.5 hours then we can go home.  Last time I checked 9:30 was within those hours but yesterday I got in trouble for being late.  My boss said, “Next time call and let me know.”  I said OK, but lady – after what time do you consider me late? Because I’m pretty sure I was on time.  IDK.  I can’t take these old people.  They’re all senile.

So in case you were wondering Anth came home from work tonight and we played Jeopardy like it ain’t no thang.  However, I did find a pair of my shoes in the oven – so I’m not really sure what happened on Valentines Day while I was gone.

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