Tag Archives: fire


We’re baaaackkk!!  I know Lucky apologized for us sucking last week, but I’ll do it again.  SO SORRY!  I’m sure everyone was just so so upset that they didn’t get their fill of Lucky and Gizzy dramaz last week (because there’s always SO much of it). 

Well, let me just begin to tell you about the week from hell I had.  Let’s start with Monday…

I wake up late (pretty typical) run in the bathroom, flip the light switch (don’t notice that the light didn’t turn on), and start the shower.  I’m almost naked when I realize I’m in the dark and it’s Hurricane Katrinaing outside.  I paced back and forth for a good 15 minutes about the power being out before I realized I wouldn’t be able to get my car out of the garage, and wouldn’t be able to get to work.  Yes, I could have used public transhit, but seriously who wants to go stand outside in a monsoon and wait for a bus or hail a cab? Not this girl.  So I went to the garage to double check that I couldn’t get my car out before I called in to work.

So I call in, my boss doesn’t answer (also typical), I leave a frantic message about how I’m dying but that all should be right with the world by Tuesday and I’ll be back to work.  So by this time the monsoon was pretty much over and it was just raining. I laid down to try and go back to sleep when I heard my douche neighbor trying to open his garage door 50 million times.  Let me also say that the power wasn’t COMPLETELY out, it was like very low voltage, think horror film – dim flickering lights that make the bzzzzzzzzz noise because they’re like power surging.  Super freaky. 

So anyway, I hear my retarded neighbor trying to open his garage door, literally like 10 times.  The next thing I know it’s about 10 minutes later and there is pounding on the front door.  I go downstairs and it’s the fire department, telling me that my garage (with my car in it) is on fire and I need to evacuate (without a bra.) The convo literally went like this:

Hot Fireman:  You need to evacuate so we can put out the fire in your garage.

Gizzy: There’s a fire in my garage?

HF: You don’t smell the smoke?

Gizzy: *Snif*Snif* Oh, hmm.  Can I put a bra on first?

HF: There’s no time, get outside.

Thankfully I was smart enough to not put a bra on but take my purse downstairs with me, so I was able to walk to the coffee shop down the street to get some breakfast, also without my shoes, in the rain.

When I returned back from my breakfast where everyone thought I was homeless, the fire was out and the hottie firemen were checking out our outlets to make sure no other fires would start.  They also cut our power, so even when power was restored we still couldn’t have life’s little pleasures like A/C, tv, or a way to get my torched car out of the garage so I could drive it off a cliff and get rid of it once and for all.

Luckily, one of the coffee shop workers had the same phone as me and allowed me to use his phone charger while I ate so I could have SOME connection to the outside world. 

After the fire department left I laid in bed, in the 96 degree heat, painted my nails, organized my room, and eventually laid out on the roof when the sun came out.  All while on the phone with insurance claims departments (for the car accident, the fire, and my lame accident prone life.)

*Side note: The investigators determined the cause of the fire was from the motor on my neighbors garage door when he was retardedly trying to open it for 2 hours non-stop.  Hooray!

Apparently, when you file a claim with your insurance company regarding a fire they take it upon themselves to let their life insurance department know and belittle you into thinking your existence is only hurting you, and mankind.

Life Insurance Bitch: Hello Gizzy, we were recently made aware of the fire in your home, I am so sorry to hear about this horrible tragedy, but you are now aware of the surprises life can bring upon you in an instant.  Could you imagine if you had been badly harmed or even suffered from death? How would your family have gone on without you, both emotionally and financially?

Gizzy: Um, yeah, they’d be ok.

LIB: I think you are underestimating the things you bring to the table for your growing family.  How would they have paid the mortgage, the bills, for your funeral? How would your children go to college?

Gizzy: My children? I don’t have kids lady. 

LIB: What about little Gizzy, and little Ella.

*It was at this point that I realized this lady thought I was my mom, and that our house caught on fire.  Clearly the other bastards didn’t tell her I was inquiring about a renter’s insurance claim.  MWHAAA*

Gizzy:  I’ll haunt those little betches.



So at that point I was literally going crazy, not to mention I was finally getting calls that day from the insurance companies about the car accident that happened almost 3 weeks ago. 

It seems as though homegirl that I got in the accident with got word that I was filing a claim against her with her insurance company (Duh! Because it was her fault) and decided to try and one up me and file a claim with my insurance company saying it was my fault.  Of course her insurance company finally took liability on it on Friday – because look it up slutski, you were pulling out of a parking spot it’s your fault 100% of the time! Even if I was doing lines of crack off the dashboard while driving, still your fault.  Ugh! People.   

So that was Monday…

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Love is really nothing.

It seems like ole Giz and I are slacking in the 100 guys department, right? Well, I refuse to admit that we maaaayyy have bit off a little more than we can chew. I mean the 100 guys thing WILL happen, but we’ve got to get out of this little funk we’re in. So, for the record, I met two guys this weekend—meet #5 and #6:


Age: 32

Description: tall, dark hair, very outgoing.

Fun fact: loves to drink dark liquors and kept pouring me Jager shots. A total “W” in my book—he passed out pretty early in the night. We’re talking before 9 p.m. early.


Age: 21

Description: average height, light brown hair, very thin, has a girlfriend. Ugh.

Fun fact: he was drunk for our entire conversation and kept thanking me for not being rude. Awesome, dude!

Since Gizzy mentioned her horrible blind dates yesterday, it got me thinking about blind dates I’ve been on. Truth be told, I’ve only been on one blind date in my life and it was bad enough to turn me away from them FOREVER.

My roommate in college set me up with this guy…I honestly can’t remember his real name, so we’ll call him Letter-Jacket. My roommate, who was a total whorehouse, went to high school with Letter-Jacket and gave me his screen name so we could “chat”—I swear AOL messenger was cool my freshman year of college. His screenname was something to do with soccer and she gave me his senior picture which he was wearing, you guessed it, his letter jacket, kneeling over a soccer ball.

We did the usual and talked about stupid shit online and he said he wanted to take me to dinner. I said it would be okay, and he drove into town that weekend—he lived nearly two hours away from my school. On the day of the date, my roommate was out of town and I was completely dreading dinner. Since he had no clue what I looked like, I secretly wished I could just stand him up, go about with my normal evening activities, and be on my way.

But this was before I became a total bitch and figured my roommate would find out and be pissed at me (something I definitely shouldn’t have given a shit about). So I met him outside my dorm room and we got in his truck.

Red flag number 1. I hate it when a guy drives a truck. Call me stuck up, but I think it’s completely hilljack. Then, he turns on his car, to reveal that he’s listening to some Johnny Lang—a singer I told him I loved.

Red flad number 2. Be your own person. He didn’t like Johnny Lang, he was just being a faggot.

So we drive to this Mexican restaurant and he asks if I’m hungry. I tell him a little…and we sit down. As usual, I indulge in the free chips and salsa on the table. To which he says, “I thought you said you weren’t hungry?”

Excuse me? I absolutely hate it when a guy says something about a girl’s eating habits—whether big or small, keep your fucking mouth shut. I said nothing, and proceeded to order the biggest, cheesiest, fucking platter on the menu.

After that, he wanted to see a movie. Not just any movie, Love Actually. Where he tried to hold my hand. Hell to the No.

After the movie, he was obviously having an awesome time, so he wanted to go to the bars. I told him no, that I was done, and he took me home. I never talked to him, or saw him, again.


On the note of my dating failures, I wanted to share with you the abundance of online dating e-mails I’ve been getting. I know everyone gets them, but I feel like I get an overwhelming number. Let’s take a look:

Jazzed Online Singles: A dating site for real people and real connections.

The site wouldn’t let me go anywhere without signing up, and hell no am I doing that. Anyone a member here?? Admit it. I pray to sweet God that it’s a place for people who like jazz music.

Sexy Single Asians: Meet single Asians in your area.

Umm I don’t know much about Asians, as I’m not one (Dennis this is totally your area, right), but I know they aren’t considered furniture. Yep, this website directed me to a “furniture” listing of MORE dating sites—100% free dating site, Asian dating, Dating Asian women, Free dating site, Asian women look for men, Marry cute Asian women, Millionaire dating site, Asian dating site.

Match.com: Get the 6 month guarantee!

Hmmm yeah, from what I could see, it was a bunch of uglies. And anyone I’ve known who has signed up on Match hasn’t found love in 6 months.

Love Dating: Love plus affection just a click away

Okay, so we all want love and affection, right? Well what this sight fails to acknowledge (in the beginning) is that it’s a “Big and Beautiful” dating site. Another list of dating sites including Black women peronals, Speed dating, Singles photos and profiles, Sugar daddy online dating, Covergirl black beauty, and Big and beautiful singles.

Meet Fun Latino Singles: Meet Latino singles for friendship, dating, romance and more

And more? Ew.

50 Plus Online Dating: Date singles over 50 in your area

Well, I’m not fucking 50. But for this blog, of course, I browsed the old farts. And it made me feel disgusting. I took a long shower afterward, using bleach instead of soap.

Christian Singles Online: Single Christians, find your true love

For some reason, I don’t think this site is going to do me any good.

Russian Dating Site: Date a Russian beauty

I’m pretty sure this site, Anatasiadate.com, is a fucking mail-order-bride site. This seemed waaaay too much like something Fatso would be into, so I deleted all of my e-mails, threw up and slammed my computer shut.

I mean come on, I know I can get a little despie at times (ahem, The Has Been Matt McFaggot, my Disgusting trashy cheating bastard ex), but DAMN!

I’ve got the gasoline, now who’s bringing the karosine to this partay?

…Oh yeah, just to add a little fuel to this fire, me, ShyGuy, and Giz are patiently waiting on you to e-mail us your life questions! So do it!!!! cocktailsattiffanys@gmail.com

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