So, this morning I had to eat my yogurt with a butter knife. Everyone in my office was like stopping by my desk being all, “Gizzy what are you doing? Use a spoon you silly billy!” Like they think I’m just using a knife because I like to challenge myself? Le sigh. Obvi, I forgot a spoon. God, Mondays are the pits.
Anyway I’m sure rather than hearing about my utensil depraved meal you’d enjoy a story about how Anth got stood up last week. Tehehehe!!
Sometimes I think he asks me questions so that I’ll reciprocate and ask him the same question back, then he can rub it in my face when he has a date because I never go on any, and I’m a big fat whiney loser.
So Wednesday night I was sitting in traffic and I got a text from Anth, “What are you doing for dinner?” This isn’t immediately a red flag that he has a date because sometimes we will get dinner together. BUT, since I’ve been on my Hawaii diet plan (17 more days!!!) I’ve limited my meals to celery, pickles, lettuce, and smelling actual food and he is fully aware of this. So I replied, “Ummm licking my burger shaped ice block… what are you doing for dinner?” His reply? “Date night.” I should’ve just stopped and let it eat at him that I could care less about his floozy date, but instead I asked him about it, “Oh! Who are you taking out and where are you going?!” “Megan. Italian restaurant.”
I may have already filled you guys in on how Anth met Megan, I honestly can’t remember, but none the less it’s a funny/pathetic story so I’ll tell it again. Our friend Snatch works with Megan’s mother. Megan’s mother was always showing Snatch pictures of Megan and going on and on about her blah blah blah. Well, Snatch recently got married so he couldn’t go for Megan, but guess who could? Why Snatch’s BFF Anth, of course! Snatch showed Anth some pictures of Megan where she looked like you guessed it, Megan Fox, so Anth was all about it. The plan was that Anth would friend Megan on facebook and the rest would be history.
And it went down pretty much exactly like that. Anth has taken Megan out a few different times, but like all the other girls he takes on dates, he claims she’s sOoOoOoOoO much more into him than he is her.
Back to last week: the plan was that Anth would take Megan to the Italian restaurant (The same restaurant he takes ALL of his dates. Um, hilarious.) on Wednesday night and that would be that. He was supposed to pick her up at 7:30. Around 7 she texted him asking if they could eat at 8 because she had just gotten off work (late) and didn’t think she’d be able to make it home and get ready in half an hour. So they changed the date to 8. At 7:45 Anth texted her asking where she lived because he was about to leave and at 8:20 when she still hadn’t responded I started making jokes that he was getting stood up and how that must really hurt the ego. Then I left. At 9:15 when I returned he was still there, still hadn’t heard from her, and told me “I think she fell asleep.”
Well sure enough on Friday he tells me that the date is rescheduled for Monday and he was right she fell asleep. “She said that she put her phone next to her head so that when I texted her it would wake her up, but she dozed off and didn’t hear it.” You know, I operate the exact same way, this is NOT what happened, whether he believes it or not, she didn’t want to go on the date.
Of course I didn’t tell Anth that she just flat out stood him up, because I kind of have a heart. But, Saturday night Lucky and I spent our evening on the phone and laughed and laughed over what we knew was going through this girl’s head.
Because really? She had just gotten off work at 7, a half an hour wasn’t enough time to get ready, but an hour is enough time to get ready AND take a little napski? I don’t think sooooo.
So I just let him think she fell asleep, I didn’t want to be the one to crush his dreams and inform him that he’s not God’s gift to women like he thinks – that is, until Friday night rolled around.
I was having a little brewski, celebrating another week in the office where I didn’t kill anyone and explaining to Anth all of the reasons why Ryan Gosling and I are soul mates (seriously, the guy is so perfect I could BARF) while heating up my dinner in the toaster oven when he started to piss me off:
A: Ummmm why are you baking that? It should be on toast.
G: Does it really matter? Either way the food will get warm.
A: Toasting will make it crispy.
G: It’s a fucking chicken wrap.
A: Just saying.
G: Well, good thing you’re not eating it.
There were a series of conversations like this throughout the night. Then, the last straw was after I inhaled about 5 beers and he started in about this girl he hooked up with at a wedding a few weeks ago:
A: This girl isn’t talking to me. And I just don’t understand!!! Why hasn’t she texted me?!!
G: Uhh, probably cause she doesn’t fucking like you!
A: Wha?! No, she likes me.
G: The lack of texting seems to say differently.
A: No, you’re wrong.
G: I think it’s funny.
G: I think it’s really fucking funny that you think you’re all that and a bag of chicken and this girl doesn’t like you AND you got stood up on Wednesday. You needed something to pop your giant head.
A: My head isn’t giant. You are suuuuch a bitch.