Tag Archives: gargles swab

Captain Single!

HO-LA! First and foremost can we have a moment of silence for Lucky’s lappy.  R.I.P. lappy.  Secondly, I would like to apologize for my leave of absence, I’ve been doing research for the blog.  Research of the male anatomy.  Badabing!

Last time in my dream world The Captain was large and in charge with a girlfriend.  Everything is the same.  Except sans girlfriend.  I think. I’ll take a moment for you to do your happy dance.

We had our first date Sunday night and since then we have gotten into approximately 434242340593 arguments.  But they are hot.  We went to a steakhouse, I ordered steak he ordered chicken.  We can all see who wears the pants in this relationship. That’s me, Gizzy the pants wearer.  And we went to see social network followed by a hot make out sesh and some heavy petting.  We went on our 2nd date Monday night for frozen yogurt and another movie.  All is right with the world and now we can get married and have lots of babies with little baby abs right? No.

Yesterday he called me slightly less than a gazillion times because he has a nasty butt dialing habit, so every day I get about 4 voicemails where I can listen to him at the bank, or singing along to Miley in his car, or even him hanging out with a girl. Which is what happened yesterday.  I couldn’t decipher the whole conversation since the message was a little muffled but from what I rounded up it sounded like him and Mystery Woman were having a conversation involving the words, “You need to try harder,” coming from her.  Then I get a text from Captain’s Ex Crystal asking if I can cover her shift on Sunday.  I say sure and ask if The Captain has the materials and she says, let me ask him, and .2 seconds later responds with yep he says he does.   Riddle me this, Mystery Woman + Captain + Convo about something where The Captain needs to “try harder” + Captain’s Crystal getting a response out of The Captain asking if he has my materials BEFORE The Captain responds to my text asking why his butt wants to talk to me so bad = The Captain did not really break up with Captain’s Crystal and they were hanging out.  This is just a hunch.  So I think I have fallen for some trickery.  And I’m ok with it, because you know what I got a steak, a bottle of wine, some custard, and 2 movies out of it.   So all is fair in love and war as long as I’m getting free stuff.

Last night I go to where The Captain and The Captain’s Crystal go to school to see my friend who is in visiting her parents and swing by The Captain’s to get my Captain garb for the weekend.  You all know how this story goes, he looked good, things happened, clothes got ripped, condoms were snapping and babies were made.  That’s how it went in my head.  But what really happened was he got uber pissed off because I told him I couldn’t hang out with him anymore, sober.  Yeah, why I couldn’t just leave it as I can’t hang out with you anymore?  I had to throw in sober. When I’m drunk, of course I’ll come running back for some hot hot lovin’.  So instead of telling me how he really feels he takes it out on the box he’s shoving into my trunk.

About an hour later he calls and I get this voicemail, “Look I’m angry about this because I didn’t just want to have sex with you I wanted to build something with you…” he rambled on and on about how I’m the most awesome person he’s ever met, but you don’t want to hear about that.  The first line is what is pertinent to the rest of the story.   I think this is the first time any guy has ever actually pulled that line on me.  So, he’s 22 (yes, I’m still 25) and he doesn’t just want sex? He must be gay.  It’s all a cover up, this whoooole thing is just so I will go and tell all of our Captain pals about how vagina crazy he is.  Anyway, at the end of the voicemail he yammers on about how he is going to take everything slow because he wants to “get to know me” I think what he really wants is to get to know my boobs.  But, I’ll keep thinking of him as a playa playa and see what else I can conjure up about Mystery Woman and if he really broke up with Captain’s Crystal.  I hope you all know I do this for the blog, and essentially for you.  I don’t love drama so much that I go out looking for it. BAHAHA I almost had myself convinced on that one.  That’s a lie, I love drama.  Bring. It. On.

In other news I got rejected by Gargles Swab.  That means they think I’m a loser in layman’s terms and didn’t give me the job.   I see now why they had to have all that security because I want nothing more than to bust in there right now and demand that they give me $75.  $50 for gas and $25 for emotional suffering.  I think it would hold up in court.  And I bet they would give it to me. Especially when they found me hand cuffed to Josh Duhamel’s desk demanding a good pillaging or money.  I’m not really this big of a whore.  I just like to joke about it.  That’s not true either, I am.  Actually I’m not.  I’m just going to stop.

I missed teen mom last night. So naturally I’m so pissed off today that I want to punch someone’s lights out.  Here’s the thing with having children.  My mom wasn’t a teen mom, she was actually 42 when she had my sister but she did something wrong.  Yesterday my sister pulls me into her room to show me the 5 Justin Bieber posters she hung on her wall

Then my roommate (mom) comes in and tells me that she pretends Justin Bieber is her brother and Selena Gomez is her sister.  I mean, so what the fuck am I? The red headed step child? Guess so! Because then my roommate (mom) tells me that when my sister wakes up in the middle of the night she asks what Justin Bieber is doing and my roommate (mom) says, “Oh he’s in his room playing his guitar.”  And when they went to Khols the other day she was asking if “bubby” could stay in the car.  Personally, I think my mom needs to start checking her backpack for drugs.  Because the kid is on some psychedelics.  And here’s the other thing, if whatever she is on makes her see Justin Bieber, Lucky and I want some.

I’m going to bid you ado with this, my future family portrait.

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Toilet Seat or Josh Duhamel?

Goddamn guys, I am exhausted.  Lucky and I had a hard night at work tonight.  Somewhere in the mix of 5 months that we’ve had The Blog I have become obsessed with the monthly chart.  Like to the point where I think it is my actual job to meet “goals” that I made up in my head for us and constantly refer to “The Chart” as if it’s a greater being.  Which it is. The daily and weekly I can give or take but the monthly numbers, THEY HAS TO GO UP EVERY SINGLE MONTH! That’s the big time. So tonight Lucky and I found and commented on a few new blogs trying to bring in some new readers so that I didn’t have an aneurism when we didn’t meet the goal and essentially making ourselves famous (WELCOME! NEW READERS!) (AND WASSSUUPP to our loyal readers that have been here from the beginning.)  Anyway, we found some hilarrrious and awesome blogs to stay tuned into and share with you guys.  And in case anyone is wondering, we did not meet the goal (off by 8 hits! 8!!!!!!), and I hate myself.  My ultimate goal is to say what they say on the preview for The Social Network, “The website got 22000 hits.  In an hour.” We all need dreams.

On that note, I’m winding down the night with some hint of lime tortilla chips, raisinets, merlot and a glass of milk.  No I’m not pregnant.  I hope.  Actually… maybe? I have sat on some pretty questionable toilet seats this month.  Imagine what my parents would do, “Mom, Dad, I’m pregnant. YAY!” After we brought my mother back to life I would imagine they would ask who the father was and I’d have to be like, “Well…. seee…. that’s the thinggg…. it’s a toilet seat baby.” And then they would call me a liar, and my dad would definitely call the baby a bastard.  Or maybe just toilet seat baby.  It would never have a real name though.  I guess we would call it TSB for short so the other kids don’t make fun of it.  Then when I gave toilet seat baby away at her wedding, the preacher would say who gives this woman away.  And I would have to stand up and say, “This toilet seat and I.” And then when they had the daughter father dance I could attach some golden wheels to the bottom of the toilet seat so she could stand on him and glide around the dance floor like the good old days when she was a baby.  No.  Come on guys, stop it, I’m not pregnant.

In other news, I got a half naked picture of The Captain via The Text Message yesterday and I have to say, Gizzy doesn’t hate it. Lucky told me she thought it was weird that he was sitting at home in the afternoon raising his shirt and taking pics for me, which it is, but Gizzy still doesn’t hate it.  Oh you want to see, ok…

I hope that everyone can finally see what I see. I mean so he is kind of dumb, and maybe likes boys and furry hats.  But who cares, right? I have flaws too.  I drink and I cuss too much.  See? It’s a compromise! All about the give and take.  BUT, the whole girlfriend thing is starting to get in the way.  Tonight I actually got a text from him saying, “Watch the texting Captain’s Crystal will be with me.” A-SCUSIE?! Here’s the thing, I don’t text unless I am texted.  Hmmkay.  And that’s exactly what I told him.  I actually tried to cut off ties the other day by being like, “Hey this isn’t cool you have a girlfriend, talk to me when your single. Only text me about work related things.” (Lucky’s words.  Verbatim.) (On that note, just received  a text from him right this second: “Hey Sexy” whyyyy whyyy does he make it so hard!? I want to be like, “Come over, take my clothes off!” But as I always say, I’m classy.) But anyway, the only texting about work thing lasted like oh A DAY! Then he goes on saying that he’ll keep the texting light (right! “Hey sexy” is so “light”) because as long as nothing physical happens again then we’re not doing anything wrong.  Well no.  He is young, hot, and dumb.  It’s totally wrong.  So wrong.  Bad, bad, bad.  Anyway, I figure this weekend I’ll find a way to let him down gently and tell him to stop sending me half naked pictures, as much as I love them and they make my day a little bit better I have to put my foot down.

And on a completely different note, tomorrow I have my final interview with Gargles Swab.  Which I hope everyone else is as excited about as I am because if I get the job that means a whole new set of guys and a whole new set of drama. Mwhahaha.  We’ll grow up.  Someday.  This is what I want to happen, when I went for the info session I saw a guy sitting at a desk that looked just like Josh Duhamel:

And my goal is to make him take me on a date and possibly marry and impregnate me.  Ok, so get your thinking caps ready because if I get to that office I’m going to need every charismatic line to use that you people have got.  Oh! How exciting! I’ve already been working on The Bend And Snap in front of my mirror tonight.  It’s legit.  This guy might be my dream man.  Just letting everyone know so when we get married you all can say, “I remember when she posted on her anonymous blog that she knew he was the one.” And everyone can awe and ding their glasses for us to kiss, and then we’ll go on a perfect honeymoon, and come back to our perfect house, and have some perfect babies, and life will just be perfect.  Yeah, I totally realize that I have two different scenarios of how my life post babies will be, and one is with what might be the most attractive man on the planet and the other with a toilet seat, but a girl’s got to have options. Especially in this economy. I also need to know which of these you guys think would work best given he doesn’t like me right off the bat (which is what will most likely happen.)
#1 I could pull the “Lets set each other up on a blind date” move and then say the girl backed out and go myself.
#2 Be best friends with him and hope he falls in love with all of my mannerisms (Again, see: Win A Date With Tad Hamilton(Josh Duhamel, this is perfect.)
#3 Ask if he wants to get drunk together and hope he goes for it when I fall and my lips land on his.
#4 Slip him the date rape drug and get pregnant so he is stuck with me forever.
Any winners? No? I didn’t think so. Back to the boards guys.

I’ve talked enough crazy for one day, it’s go time.  Vote for Gizzy!

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Paging the Captain to the Cockpit. Captaaainnn to theeee Cockpit. GARMIN!? What are you doing here?

I am going to seriously attempt to write this blog as fast as humanly possible and still try to make it semi-funny, I need to pass out like whoa. I’m also having a serious debate with myself right now deciding if I should write the Captain story or if you guys would enjoy a timeline of what me and my Garmin do everyday.  Maybe I’ll do both, I’m feeling kind of frisky, after all I did make out last night (Ooooh foreshadowing.  You see what I did there?)

Well twas a weekend full of glorious Captain Morgan promotions and as always, when you got a little Captain in ya, drama follows because it’s someone else’s Captain, yada yada yada.

Friday night the Captain was all over me/semi awkward like, “Oh hi how are you Gizzy, long time no talk.  What’s new? Well have a great night!” *Pat on the back* in front of his GF Captain’s Crystal as per usual which made me uncomfortable since our texts went from flirty to sexting last week and it’s like what do I say? Hey thanks for the pic of your bod last week? Sorry my camera doesn’t work and I couldn’t reciprocate but meet me in the bathroom later and I’ll show you my left boob? This is such a disaster.

Between events we were sitting at another girls house watching tv, The Captain left to go home and be attractive and the topic of The Captain and Captain’s Crystal getting married and having drunk pirate babies got brought up.   Captain’s Crystal is all like, Ohhh I don’t want to jinx it but yeah we’re getting married, we’re sooooo in love. All while my phone is dinging like crazy with texts from, you guessed it, The Captain, asking me to come over and be attractive with him and hang when we are done with our promotions.  I didn’t and we texted until 6am Saturday morning, mostly about cuddling and saying no you go to sleep first, no yooou go to sleep first, no you, no you, pretty standard operation and also pretty 14 year oldish.

Saturday rolls around and it’s me, The Captain, and the Captain’s Crystal working the first event, then just CC and I after that. The Captain sufficiently groped me in front of not only his girlfriend but also a handful of small children.  Somehow we both thought it was acceptable because he was in a polar bear costume and no one could see his face.  So, Polar Bear Costume + Copping a Feel In Front of Elders and Babies = OK!  BY THE WAY, this whole thing is starting to make me feel pretty disgusting because when I was just typing that I was thinking of mascot porn and ewww.

Once The Captain went home Crystal and I sat down for a beer to shoot the shit at a bar where bands play until our next event started.  Where she starts telling me how she just bought tickets from the bartender for a band that The Captain loves, (Techno. do dododo dodododoooo.) in order to “SURPRISE THE BF!”  I started to feel bad about having sextual relations with The Captain.  She is off doing sweet things for him (while yes the rest of the time she is screaming in his face but I am never The Other Woman so obvi I have a conscience but really it’s that I am scared of getting my face beat in by her cave man fist) and here he is texting me non-stop trying to turn the sexting into sexing, sans T.  If he cooks my Mac-A-Weenie and cheese for me, I swear I’ll propose.

So Sunday morning miraculously arrives and I am on the phone with Lucky talking about what we think foam finger is up to (fabulous story coming later this week via Lucky) and I tell her that I think I am going to stop talking to The Captain because I am starting to feel bad about it.  Not 4 hours later I am running around a dark storage warehouse playing hide and seek with him and making out on top of boxes.  I’m a whore.  But for reals, no more.  I tasted the cake, I did not eat the cake nor do I think I can have the cake so this will be a win-lose-lose situation.  I am obviously the winner, coming away with the gold medal in cake tasting.  But yeah, the box make out sesh – pretty hot I won’t lie, I’m not sorry for it. Nope.

What I am sorry for is that I am so ungodly tired from taking my long division test at Gargles Swab this morning that I’m probably going to pass out in my lunch.  I think Garmin is tired too, she started yammering on in French earlier today just out of the blue and I’m like oh god Garmin don’t  die I hear your prayers and I promise we will go on vacay and then if I get this job then we’ll get you a boyfriend, TomTom and all will be right with the world.  Christ almighty we’ve had a rough couple of days.

I’m not seriously about to continue on with stories about my Garmin (although I could, she does lead an exciting life) considering most of the people that read this blog are business professionals and not potheads who want to investigate deeper into the life of my walking talking GPS system.  God, I am tired.  Goodnight errybody!
PS Just received a text from the Captain reading: BOO!
Ohhh we’re getting married. Tehehhe

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Just a late night quickie!

Ok, I totally am not trying to take away from Lucky’s 90’s songs post (which is FAB-U-LOUS by the way) so I am going to keep this quick.  It will just take me a second to snort all of the water out of my nose, I thought the water smelled funny so I cupped my hand under the faucet until it filled up and stuck it up to my nose and sniffed.  I’m a dumb. dumb.

But before I share the video that Anthony showed me of a midget teenage boy lip syncing Katy Perry’s new song Teenage Dream I need everyone to do me a favor.  Remember when I got fired from Whorgan Manly? Well I have applied applied and applied to jobs and another financial institution we’ll call them Gargles Swab decided they would like a shot at Whorgan Manly’s sloppy seconds so I have an interview tomorrow, if you could just CLICK HERE and pick a few questions and answer them for me.  I would do it myself but I’m too lazy and I drink too much and can’t remember any instances when I have faced a challenge at work.  Typically because drinking is my answer to any challenge.  Anyway, it would be much appreciated… kthanks!

Now, your reward, watch it all because about 3 minutes in you’ll get a really special treat…

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