Tag Archives: gossip

3 degrees of separation to my [right now] 4th runner up

Remember a few weeks ago when I mentioned I was OB-SESSED with the new teeny bopper show Hollywood Heights? 

Well, I still am.  And every day I think the lead actor, Cody Longo, gets hotter and hotter.  At this moment in time he is my 4th runner up soul-mate.

1. Ryan Gosling (obvi)

2.  Zac Efron

3. Alexander Skarsgard

4. Cody Longo

Number 4 changes pretty frequently, but this guy will probably hold this spot for the remainder of the summer.  

Anyway, I did some twitter creeping and figured out our 3 degrees of separation.

1st degree – My friend, we’ll call her Karen, is in the biz and is friends with…

2nd degree – Miley Cyrus, who is friends with…

3rd degree – Cherie Daly, who is the girlfriend of…

Cody Longo

Boom! We’re practically married. 

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Me, myself, and I

Seriously guys, I have got like cray dramaz going on in my life right now.  As you know from Tuesday’s post, my love life has taken a turn to my liking, but of course that can’t come without other aspects of my life taking a giant shit on my face.

Like I said on Tuesday, Betty changed her mind about 180 times trying to decide whether or not to go to the festival.  I really only invited her so that she wouldn’t get mad if she found out Polly and I went, and as soon as she said she couldn’t go I was all, “Oh that’s too bad. We’ll drink one for ya!” I knew that if Betty came, she would make her own agenda, even though I was the one that invited her, and we’d be playing by her rules the whole day, and IF she let me meet up with HSC she would be saying weird shit to him like she did at the Christmas party.  Normally, this is fine and I just go with it because it’s just me and what do I care? But not this time, HSC was involved and I didn’t want to get stuck at Betty’s playing Mommy.  I told Betty that since she had plans earlier that day she could just meet us at the festival, since this wasn’t the plan she had worked out in her head, she chose to ignore that.

When the time rolled around for her to meet us she was super salty. She was pissed that we didn’t call to flip flop the plans around so that they worked for her, pissed because we disappointed her daughter, pissed because we disappointed her, pissed because her BF canceled his plans to go to a club to watch the baby sleep, pissed because she would have to drive to meet us alone, pissed because she’d have to finagle the crowd alone, pissed because she was sober, pissed because she’s had a hard 2 weeks and didn’t need this added on top of it. Uhhhh HOLD. THE. MOTHER. EFFING. BUS. ONE. SECOND.  Scusie?  Did I not offer to take off work, drive 3 hours, and sit in the ghetto ass abortion clinic with you a few weeks ago? Did I not offer to come down the next day and have a movie night with you? Did I not say, “Call me if you need ANYTHING.  ANYTHING!”? And you’re going to throw it in my face because something didn’t go your way you big fucking cry baby? OH. NO. SHE. DIDN’T! I tell you what I’m pissed about, people being selfish.  It’s as simple as 1-2-3… The plan is this, you are invited, if you can’t make it, that is too bad.  End story.

I have spent the past 26 years of my life not being selfish (ok, I’ve probably been a little selfish, but not nearly as selfless as I’ve been when it comes to giving my stupid friends their way) and I’m done with it.  I’ve bent over backward for everyone else, and look at where I’m at? I’m alone and none of those selfish bastards are.  But damnit, I’m the sweetest, nicest person everyone knows, so why am I still alone? Because I do everything for everyone else and nothing for myself.  So, after much deliberation between Lucky and I (and somehelp from Lopez because Lucky has the same problem) her and I both decided that we needed to only do the things that we WANT to do.  And if other people get pissed in the process? Who cares! Fuck ‘em!

I should say that in the 12 or so years Betty and I have been friends I can’t think of 1 time when she’s really taken one for the team for me and done what I wanted to do.  Which is why you can probably count on 2 hands the number of times I have invited her to do things.  A PERFECT example is the Christmas party, I asked Betty to take one for the team as in, “Hey HSC is here, he wants to hang out, will you take one for the team and stay out?” As you know, she said yes, but we only stayed out another 45 minutes and she was blatantly yelling, “I wanna go home!!!!” within ear shot of HSC the whole time and inviting him to
sleep in her daughters bunk beds with me.  Making it awkward.  But me? Oh I’ve been there for 3 abortions, a divorce, a childbirth, multiple affairs, a bat shit crazy mom, her dad almost dying, and a cheating live in boyfriend. But you know not to keep tabs or anything, it’s cool if you can’t spend 2 hours of your life standing in a bar so that I can hang out with a guy I have liked since before I even knew you. NO BIG DEAL! I don’t ever need to be happy, I’ll just sit here chewing on my nails and I’ll be your go to person for the rest of my life.  I am here. to. serve. YOU!

So not giving a damn about Betty’s agenda and if I upset her kid was the first step to doing more things for me so that I can get what I want out of life.  The next came earlier this week when Betty texted me inviting HSC and I to go skiing with her and her boyfriend next Friday.  First, let me say, Betty only knows that I met up with him at the festival because I put a picture of us on facebook.  She doesn’t even know what happened.  Second, even if she did know what happened, hanging out once and making out in the street does not warrant a couple’s ski trip.  So I just replied telling her I already had plans that weekend and didn’t even address the HSC thing.  I just don’t want her to know any of the details because I don’t want her trying to play God by asking him to do things behind my back.

This is where I get really irritated.  You see, Betty does this with every guy I like/date.  Instead of asking, “Hey what happened with HSC this weekend?” and gauging the relationship from that, she assumes that he is my boyfriend, we made our anniversary the first day we met (6/1/1999), and we are looking at apartments this weekend to move in together.  Because that’s what she does.  It’s such a problem that even communicating with her won’t work, simply stating, “No Betty, we’re not there yet, we’re still talking”  wouldn’t fly.  If I would have said that, she would’ve taken it upon herself to send him a facebook message inviting him on the ski trip and saying to get me on board.  Then I would’ve gotten a text from him being like, “Uhhh yeah… Betty wants to go skiing?” And it would be weird, he’d never talk to me again, and I would drive to her house and kill her.

So the point to this 1200 word rant is that I’m always busy looking after my friend’s hot mess lives, and they’re all busy looking out for only themselves, who is looking out for me? No one.  Insert NEW New Year’s resolution: Be selfish and do only what YOU want.

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It started with a kiss

It’s here! The recap of my Saturday with High School Crush that you’ve all been waiting for!  If you kept up with the live twitter updates you already know a little bit of what happened, and if you didn’t and still want a spoiler – check da twitter! I’m only slightly embarrassed that I was having what may be known as the best night of my twenties and I was tweeting about it as it was happening.  It’s fine.

Now that it’s over and we actually hung out and I don’t have to worry about jinxing it, I can tell you the whole story of how our plans came to be. 

So, my friend Polly just moved back to our hometown from the coast so I had asked her if she wanted to join me in going to a festival on Saturday in our state’s capital, about 45 minutes away from our hometown, but a 3 hour drive for me.  She accepted and because Polly is also friends with Betty, I felt inclined to invite Betty along as well.  Betty had originally said she would go, then a few days later changed her mind because she had her daughter and the weather wasn’t going to be that nice.  At this point she invited Polly and I over to have a sleepover with her and her daughter after the festival.  Knowing Polly and I would be drinking heavily at the festival and also knowing Betty puts her kid in bed at 7 o’clock and there was no way we’d make it to her house to have a sleepover before that time I told her I’d check with Polly and get back to her.  Polly kind of laughed it off so I never really gave Betty an answer. 

At this point since we would be sans Betty and her kid I decided that I would see if High School Crush would be driving in for the festival, and he said he would come back for it and we could meet up.  Hooray!  A few days later Betty changed her plans again and said she would come to the festival and bring her live in dbag boyfriend and kid.  Really, I love Betty and her kid, the boyfriend I could take or leave, but the festival atmosphere wasn’t really kid friendly and Betty said she had plans earlier that day and would make it back to her house around 4.  I knew already this would be trouble.  The festival was about a 20 minute drive from Betty’s, parking would be a problem, so by the time we got down there and started enjoying it, it would easily be 5 o’clock, then we’d have to leave at 6 to put her kid to bed.  No thanks.  So I left it with Betty as just a, “Yeah just let us know when you get home and we can meet up.”  Not only would we have to wait around all day on Betty, but that would also mean HSC would have to hang out with her kid, which is weird for a dateish thing.  I’ll elaborate more on this later in the week, because it was like drama city with Betty all day/night on Saturday.

The day of the big event rolled around and Polly came to pick me up around 3:30.  I had already talked to High School Crush and he was at the festival with his friends ready to meet up.  Polly and I got there, saw a few things we wanted to see then headed to the bar to meet up with HSC. 

Seriously guys, I was so nervous.  Like I could’ve crapped out my stomach it was in so many knots.  At this point, I really didn’t know what us hanging out meant. I still wasn’t even sure if liked me in the way I like him, if he was just being polite and meeting up because we were both there, I didn’t even know if he told his friends that we had been talking.  When we approached the booth he was sitting in, he was with 5 other guys.  One of them saw me and said, “There’s Gizzy.” And the rest of the guys all shifted themselves around so that there was an open seat next to HSC.  I took that as though he had told them.

To make a long story short, we drank, we ate, we flirted, we drank some more, we held hands, we rode a mechanical bull, we flirted some more, we took pictures, and then it was time to leave.  Polly and I had one last attraction we wanted to see before we left the festival and his friends were ready to catch a cab back to their neighborhood.  I invited HSC to come with us to see what we wanted to see and he said ok, even though none of his friends wanted to come.  So he, Polly, and I all took off and we held hands the whole way there.  I know, it’s really childish that I’m excited about a little hand holding but it gave me butterflies, so I’m happy about it. 

After we saw the last thing I told him we’d walk him to where he needed to meet up with his friends to make sure he found them, and then we’d call for our ride.  As we were standing there, we noticed Polly talking to a group of cops (something she does on the reg) and HSC said he wasn’t going to make us walk any further, his friends were a block away so he’d be ok going on his own from there.  We gave each other a hug and he said we needed to make sure we hung out more, I agreed and then he leaned in and kissed me.  THAT’S RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!! WE KISSED!!!!!

After a hot and heavy make out sesh in the middle of the street (so classy) he said we really needed to make sure we hung out more often and said that it sucked we lived far away from each other.  Then he started coming up with plans as to how we can see each other, “We can take the mega bus back and forth. Or meet halfway.” Then I chimed in, “Or we can drive.  It’s only 5 hours, it’s not that far.” “Yeah!” He said, “We can do this.”

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Oh, goodmorning!

So I dropped the ball a lil bitty today by not being able to crank out a post.  You know what? It’s okay though, because what I’m about to show you will totally make up for it.  

A few Saturday’s ago about 3am I was sleeping when I heard a text come through on my phone.  I smiled in my sleep because I WANTED it to be a drunken text from high school crush telling me he loved me.  Instead it was a from a number I didn’t recognize, and the body of the text said this:

If anyone knows this girl, or knows anyone who knows this girl, please apologize for me.  Clearly, at 3am she sent this out to who she thought would’ve been a late night booty call.  Unfortunately for her, I’m the one who received it, passed it around to all of my friends, and am now sharing it with the world.

Good day.

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Ok Neal, I forgive you!

Monday night Lucky and I were BBMing whilst watching Most Eligible Dallas, a guilty pleasure for us both.  We were freaking out over Courtney and Matt’s so hot hot tub kiss and moments later getting pissed at Courtney ruining it by opening up her big ugly mouth.   Which got us on the topic of hot kisses and hot guys which ultimately lead to us talking about my one true love, Neal Bledsoe, and how my facebook friend request is still pending nearly 1 year (10 months, to the day) later.  

Lucky tried making me feel better by insisting he was in a part of the world where he didn’t have internet access or that he’s been busy working.  But we all know that’ s a lie, his profile picture is different.

Part of my New Year’s resolution is going to be to let the past be the past and not hold grudges, to some extent, Douchearoo and Snoop-Linus?  Grudge.  The girl in my sorority who told on me for having hot Australians back to the sorority house one night, which ultimately got me “sober ride” duty for 3 weekends?  Forgiven.  

So I figured why not try this new and improved Gizzy out with Neal?  It can only help.  So, Neal Bledsoe… I know you google yourself and you will read this, this is Gizzy speaking, I forgive you for not accepting my friend request, even though it’s probably the biggest mistake you’ve ever made… cauuuse I think you’d like my goods.  Just saying.  Your loss, you’ll regret this, but I forgive you.

Don’t worry though, I’m not going to cancel my friend request just in case one day he decides to accept me, and propose to me, and have some sex with me, or eat some chicken, whatever, I’ll be there.

Wow, I sound like a stalker. 

Anyway…

Wouldn’t it be funny if I actually did meet Neal Bledsoe one day and we like, fell in love and I was like omg guess what I used to hate on you so bad on my blog and always talked about how you were such a jerk for not accepting my facebook friend request yet so so hot at the same time?  And he’d be like, YES Gizzy… that is soooo funny, aren’t you glad you were wrong and I’m like the nicest guy ever?  And I’d be like yeah and then we’d make out.

So if you ever come here and one day Cocktails At Tiffany’s is just gone out of thin air, it’s because I met Neal Bledsoe and he CAN NEVER KNOW ABOUT THIS.  And you and I, we can’t be blog friends anymore.

So my boss is on vacation for the next week and I am soOoOoOoOoO excited!  I was telling Lucky that I feel like a teenager whose parents finally decided it was ok to leave me at home alone for the weekend.  Like I was acting like a child.  I ate so much candy that I gave myself a stomach ache, talked to my friends all day, and googled things I shouldn’t have been while at work, I even left early yesterday and gave the office a big su-fi as I walked on the elevator.  I mean my boss like NEVER takes vacation and it’s the most annoying thing ever.  Like I always feel like when she is there I have to be working hard in case she walks around the corner, I don’t want her seeing me on facebook, playing games, or looking up flights to go visit Lucky.  Not only is she giving herself a vacation for the next week, she’s giving me a vacation too! WAHOO!!!!

Back track!  I just spent more time then I care to admit googling Neal Bledsoe to find out if he is single and if I should seriously be on the prowl, and he’s not.  He has a girlfriend… for like years.  And she’s like 9 feet tall, blonde, and gorgeous.  CHRIST! Just when you think things are starting to turn around.   I’m done.  I’m just done.  I’m going to stop wasting my time on all these hot men and just start reading the encyclopedia.   Reading the encyclopedia = FAIL.

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Scum of the Earth (Part 2)

Last time we left off with Gigi informing me that my ex Snoop-Linus was trying to hook up with my Ex-friend Mercedes.  So, I made it for my mission for the night to find the hottest guy possible to hook up with…

We were at bar #1 for about 20 minutes when fight #1 between Gigi and her boyfriend broke out.  (Side note:  It is now my STRONG belief that boyfriends and girlfriends should not be drinking in social atmospheres together.  Dinner with friends where you don’t get up from the table? Ok! College bars? Not ok.) I was in the bathroom during the initial exchange of words, but when I got back Gigi was ready to roll out and no one else was coming with us.  Of course I couldn’t be a shitty friend and be like oook vagina blocks are gone lets get this party started! and had to suck it up and sit outside bar #1 and hear the sob story of why they were fighting (girl he hooked up with before they were together was within the 4 walls of the bar, not hanging out with them, or talking to him, crazy.)

Eventually we made it to bar #2 where upon entering a group of guys approached us and asked if we would hypothetically fuck their friend under the right circumstances.  HELLO! I didn’t want to sound like a slut, but this was EXACTLY what I was looking for!  I started giving said guy my sexy (drunk) eyes and licking my lips while his chatty friend wouldn’t shut up about how Gigi’s legs are a mile long and how she should be a runway model for Alexander McQueen.  Hold the bus.

Lets restate everything he just said and emphasize the important parts…

Asked if we would hypothetically fuck their friend under the right circumstances.  His chatty friend wouldn’t shut up about how Gigi’s legs are a mile long and how she should be a runway model for Alexander McQueen.

Is anyone else’s gaydar going off?

After he name dropped Alexander McQueen I checked out and ordered us a round of shots, and when I say us I mean me.  I ordered 4 and drank 4 all to myself.  I whip back around to hear, “Ahh if we weren’t gay we’d totally fuck the shit out of you girls.  Loves you!” Goddamnit, it’s true.  

After they walked away Gigi went back into depression mode.  “See gay guys think I’m hot, why can’t my own boyfriend appreciate me?!” And drug me over to the corner to hear more about how having a boyfriend is just soooo hard.  About that time here came Gigi’s boyfriend and his friends.  They tell us they are going back to his apartment and they’ll see us tomorrow.  It was 2:15 and I decided any chance I had at meeting a guy at that hour who wasn’t going to barf on me was slim to none.  I told Gigi that we should walk to taco bell and go back.  So we did, as we’re rounding the corner to her apartment she decided we needed to keep walking and go to her boyfriend’s.

We walk in and him and his friend are playing halo, Gigi sits down and immediately gets pissed that he’s not paying us any attention (mind you, it was also her boyfriend’s birthday) and says, “Fuck you assholes, we’re leaving.”  So off we go.  ALSO mind you, Gigi doesn’t have a phone and thus begins the fighting via MY PHONE.  They fought on the phone about nothing important for upwards of 2 hours until they finally drunkenly ended the relationship.  I love my friend to death, but thank god I couldn’t take it anymore, now I can get some sleep and dream about all the ass I’m not getting.  Nope.  Then Gigi sobs to me for another 2 hours first about her boyfriend which then turns into how her 4 best friends from high school are neglecting her and how no one bought her a birthday cake and god knows what else.  Sometime around 7am she finally decided she was all cried out and we went to sleep.  

At 8:24am her boyfriend starts non-stop calling my phone because why? They are supposed to leave at 10am to go on his birthday camping trip and need to go to the store before hand to get supplies.  I get up and tell her he’s calling, she waves her hand away so I take that as she doesn’t want to talk to him and go back to sleep.  30 minutes later she wakes up scrambling around and calls him back.  They fight for another 2 hours now about how he can’t remember what they were fighting about the night before, and then they decide they should meet up to fight and start to fight about whose place they should fight at.  Like really? I kind of wanted to die.  They break up again and Gigi says he can go on the camping trip alone.  Before she can get emotional/call him again I interject with a, “Heyyy lets go get some breakfast, that will make you feel better!” Honestly, if I didn’t get food in me ASAP I was going to be ralphing grade D beef, hot sauce, and tequila down my shirt.  We did and on the way Gigi FINALLY realized she was being a bitch because it was his birthday after all and decides to call him and invite him to breakfast.  Of course he doesn’t want to go, because who would? And they decide they will get together to fight when we’re done eating.  Post breakfast we walk over to his place, his friend and I pop Bad News Bears into the DVD player and pass out on our separate futons to be awoken 2 hours later by a back together Gigi and boyfriend.  Gigi takes me back to her place so I can slit my wrists and go home and tells me this is pretty typical of them when they drink.  Shit, I’d either be not drinking or breaking up.  That fight exhausted me and I was only an innocent bi-stander.  

So there you have it, another weekend of no action and another weekend to add to the 14 month dry spell.  If I stop posting and responding to comments all together it’s probably because I got arrested for selling it on the street.  Forrrr a nickel.

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Sunday Funday!!!

Hey errybody I hope you all are enjoying your weekend, just stopped in for a little Sunday Funday action and to show you guys a picture of what Lucky and I are up to, we’re so badass.  Cheers!


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Teen pregnancy is NOT a joke

I was paroozing around facebook last night minding my own business when my aunt facebook chats me and says, “Wanna know a secret?” Um DUH! She makes me swear up and down to all things holy that I won’t tell anyone because cats not outta the bag yet.  By this point my mind was really running wild, she lives in Orlando so at first I thought she was going to tell me she was coming for a surprise visit and needed me to pick her up at the airport.  But then she drops The Bomb.  W, my second cousin, is pregnant.

I’m sure most of you are thinking, BFD who gives a rats ass about their second cousins? This guy! My family is way too close and yes I am even close with my second cousins.  Let me do a breakdown of my family tree for you using letters, symbols, and deaf kids:

G&G (Grandma and Grandpa) had 4 kids – Aunt V, Aunt P, My mom, and Uncle L

Aunt V married Uncle T and had 3 kids – Cousin M, Cousin S, and Cousin D

Cousin M had 4 kids by 3 different dads and is pregnant with her fifth child by, you guessed it, a different dad. For those of you who aren’t mathematicians when she pops this one out that will be 5 kids with 4 baby daddy. The kids are-  2nd Cousin W, 2nd Cousin K, 2nd Cousin B, 2nd Cousin M, and now 2nd Cousin Fetus

Is this getting white trash enough for everyone? Because it gets worse.  But this is as far as we need to go because it’s this leg of the family that is completely effed up (as far as babies and baby daddy’s go, we’ll get into debt, drugs, and jail time with the rest of the family some other time.) Really I am like the prized possession of the family, in case anyone was wondering, a college graduate, no ex-husbands, no substance abuse problems, no jail time, manageable college debt, and most importantly no babies and no baby daddy’s, I’m like the golden fucking egg.  With a halo.

Back to the story, so my aunt tells me that 2nd Cousin W is preggers right? Yes Cousin M’s child, who is 17, and who has been with her boyfriend for 2 months, who has buck teeth and a shag hair cut.  I know this is confusing so let me put it as simply as possible, My cousin’s kids, are having kids.  That’s 2 extra generations my cousin made before I made 1.  I mean yes, she is like 9 years older than me, and I was like 8 when 2nd cousin W was born but still.  Let me break it down again from a different point of view, my mother is going to be a Great Great Aunt before she is a grandmother. So not only is 2nd Cousin W pregnant but her mother Cousin M is also pregnant and their due dates are two weeks apart.

Most people would be like OMG THIS IS SO WHITE TRASH I LOVE IT! BUT, it gets worse.  Because not only will these fetus’ be aunt/uncle and niece/nephew to one another and only be a few weeks apart (sooooo Father Of The Bride II isn’t it? No? Right! Because there were only 2 baby daddy’s involved in that sitch) but this is 2nd generation.  THAT’S RIGHT.  It’s happened before. Remember Cousin D, Cousin M’s little sister? Well when Aunt V was pregnant with Cousin D, Cousin M was pregnant with 2nd Cousin W, they’re a few months apart, but still the exact. same. situation.  This here is, yet again, what I like to call… full circle. That’s full fucking circle.

I’m also not a big fan of Cousin M because she is a bitch. So I have been laughing an evil laugh all night long, and then I went out and bought a pregnancy test and took it because, karma and toilet seat.

When Snoop-Linus and I broke up and it said, “Gizzy in no longer listed as ‘in a relationship'” on facebook, instead of reacting how normal people react and saying, “Ohhh I’m so sorry, you’ll be ok.”  She says AND I FUCKING QUOTE, “Smile.  Because I’m getting married again!!!” Bitch.

She does most of her bullying via facebook, my next status:

“Gizzy is setting up an excel spreadsheet for her bills.  Nerd alert.”

Cousin M: Glad to know those 10 years of college has taught u somethin!!!

You know what i have to say to that, HARDY FUCKING HAR with some big buck teeth college taught me simple grammar and how to spell YOU, goddamnit.

It was after this that I asked my mom to put me in anger management because I didn’t want to punch her in the face at the next family get together and upset grandma.  My mom told me not to worry, that Cousin M was simply jealous of my baggage free educated self and that The Sisters would take care of it.  Godddd do I love my mom’s sisters.

Sure enough Easter rolls around and here comes Cousin M with her new husband introducing everyone by simply saying “Hubby T this is Cousin Z, Cousin B, Cousin H, ohh and here’s Gizzy, the one who has been in college for like a decade.” I lunged forward at her with Ella’s snake cage that was loaded with a gardener snake screaming, “LISTEN HERE YOU CUN…” when Uncle L pulls me back and says, “Let them take care of it.” It’s at that time when I see The Sisters (my aunts) circling around Cousin M saying things like, “Why ya always picking on Gizzy? She’s doing something with herself other than popping out kids and marrying whatever comes along.  At least she went to college, unlike you.” ZING! Score one for Gizzy.  That’s exactly what I was going to say except that I was going to make my grandfather roll over in his grave and call her a CUNT in front of the whole family and my grandmother with her virgin ears.  Glad I didn’t have to.  That’s what’s up.

But, my family is like a small community.  We love to hate each other and we’re all so close we know errybody’s business and all gossip about each other, in a loving way.  And that’s exactly why I don’t tell anyone in my family jack shit.  In my grandmother’s eyes I am the holy grail of grandchildren, I’m up there with my grandfather and Jesus on her list of favorite people and I intend to stay there.  When I get to heaven me, Jesus, and my grandpa can form a club and call it Dotty’s Top 3, we might sing too, I don’t know though, don’t push it guys. But it does feel good to be an elite member of heaven’s society.

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All my niggaz wit ‘Kelsey Grammer.’

Well, hello there! This week, Gizzy & I are dedicated to the royal celebration that is, our 100th post {which happens Friday, after we figured out that Gizzy has a math-skill-level of her sister Ella and Ella’s bubby, Justin Bieber}. Like our balloons? TODAY IS 96!!!! This week, Gizzy & I are joining forces, in order to bring you some hearty laughs, and prep you for Friday’s festivities—when we reveal our poll winner. During our week-long celebration, we are unrolling some NEW things at the empire, which we are so excited about! And throughout this post, I (Gizzy) will drink beer and tequila steadily to see how drunk I get.  Because it’s Sunday Funday!

But in the meantime, let’s cover the bidness. Meaning, the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. I hope you’ve all been watching, if not, you’ve got some homework to do (She’s talking about me, I don’t get Bravo. Lame ass dish network, you hear that dish geeks!? Give it to me for free basts!) . This train wreck of a show is simply amazing. I’ve said it, and I’ll say it again, THIS is what every season of Real Housewives should’ve been. I mean money coming out da anus (as Puffy and Ma$e said, $$) and botox out the ears. I was hooked at the premiere episode. But, while a lot of things about the show made me chuckle, this is perhaps what perplexed me the most:

Meet Camille Grammer, Kelsey Grammer’s wife—soon to be ex-wife. She isn’t so shocking, but there is a part in the episode where she describes herself as “the powerhouse behind Kelsey Grammer.” See it here.

Ohhh really? Let’s just see about that. Gizzy, join me on a trip down memory lane. A street named Kelsey Grammer’s career highlights.

Kelsey Grammer was born February 21, 1955 (DAAAMN Kels! You old!) in the Virgin Islands. Holla.

He is most recognized for his role as Dr. Frasier Crane on Frasier, which lasted like…me & Gizzy’s entire life.

And yeah, he was on Broadway and did some voice work like in The Simpsons and Toy Story 2…but, let’s get down to the nitty gritty.

Grammer has had three wives—maybe THAT’s the part Camille is referring to? Anyway, in 1995 he was sued by his ex-girlfriend for defamation in his autobiography—SAY WHAT?!  No seriously, here is the cover of his book:

Hells yeah. So Fresh.  So Fly.

But wait, in 1998, Grammer filed a lawsuit against IEG claiming they had stolen a sex tape from his home. IEG then sued Grammer, saying they didn’t have any tape. All the best celebrities have sex tapes and sue people because of it. Just saying.  He had to keep up with the times right KimmyK and Paris? Kelsey knows what’s up. In an interview with Maxim Magazine, Grammer said this:

“Whether or not you’re a celebrity—even if you’re just an old slob with a video camera—you don’t realize you shouldn’t do it. So you throw the tape in the back of a dark closet until your old girlfriend remembers it’s there because you’re famous now and she’s not. But if you’re not prepared to do the time, don’t do the crime.”

Really, Kelsey? Really? I think we should all take away a valuable lesson from this: “If you’re not prepared to do the time, don’t do the crime,” will be my new catch-phrase. K? Spread it like wildfire and herpes. Kelso wins again. BAM. THE LAW.

In all honesty, I AM ready to do the time. I mean, what am I really doing with my life, anyway? And if I go to jail, I could totally spend my days reading and learning how to say the alphabet backward. No bills, and I eat for free? I mean, I’ve always strived to live like a queen! I actually thought about this the other day when I was driving and saw the guys in their orange vests picking up garbage along the highway.  First I got sad because I saw an old man and it reminded me of my dad/grandpa but then I thought he is probably a child molester and that passed.  Then I was thinking about, what if I went to jail.  I could hang, I love not showering and lying in bed all day, jail is pretty much my dream world.

Now, if that wasn’t enough to surprise you about one Mr. Kelsey Grammer, check THIS out—he started drinking at age 9. NINE. What the eff? What grade are you even in when you’re nine? Third grade? So while America’s youth is slurping down CapriSuns, Kelsey Grammer was ripping shots from his Batman Thermos, and then going out to recess to have a big fat cigar. My hero. The end.

In 1988 he was put in the slammer for drunk driving AND cocaine possession! Two years later, he was arrested again for more cocaine! Then, he violated his probation, because he was on cocaine. Who knew Kelsey Grammer was a total druggie? I did, that’s why I like him, he meets the same low standards that all my ex boyfriends forced me to set for any man entering into my life whether it be romantic or a father figure role model such as Kelsey. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll = a winner in my book. Apparently, he flipped his Viper while driving drunk and checked himself into the Betty Ford Center, where he bunked with LiLo and snorted cocaine from her belly button.

Tsk. Tsk.

To be honest, when I think of Kelsey Grammer, I think of Frasier, which makes me think of this:

Today, Kelsey has his own website where he offers fans a chance to chat with him live.  Which we are unofficially in charge of plugging every single day.  WWW.KELSEYLIVE.COM -Read it like it’s naked, neon, and flashing.

He was also on 30 Rock last week which I did not watch because Tracy Morgan pisses me off beyond belief.  The man is not funny, I’m sorry he tries too hard and his ghetto gold hurts my eyes and I think Kelsey can do better. Next.

More recently Kelsey twatted/tweeted (? I don’t know @#&^#&^) to us telling us that he won’t be returning to Los Angeles for the next year because he’ll be performing on Broadway, which I still haven’t figured out what show he’s doing because he won’t tell us.  Probably because he knows that Lucky and I will for reals buy all the tickets opening night so it’s like the performance was made for us.  We. Are. So. Creepy.  But we’re trying to tell you how much we love Kelsey Grammer.

He also takes Gizzy, Ella and Bubby on the red carpet! Evidence:

(Gizzy was going through a blonde phase, clearly.)(And a fake boob phase.)(And Bubby (Justin Bieber) was going through a really short phase as was Ella going through a really tall phase.  We’re a family of phases, what can I say?)

So, Kelsey Grammer, we tip our hats to you good sir.  Won’t you be… our neighbor?

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