Tag Archives: gym

He’s a little…out of your league.

Well I just finished day 2 of boot camp, literally 10 minutes ago.  I could puke.  Day 1 wasn’t so bad, everyone takes their “Before”pictures and gets measurements taken and all that jazz.  So after day 1 I treated myself to a bacon egg and cheese biscuit  from McDonalds, it will be the last time we touch lips for some time.  Anyway, Anth didn’t go to the first day because he was out of town and by the looks of the instructors and the rest of the people in the class I knew it wouldn’t be his cup of tea.  He’s really in shape and thinks the amount he can bench press should impress girls and told me first hand he wants nothing to do with “downward facing dog.”

When day 2 rolled around this morning we pulled up about 4 minutes till 5 and the instructor (we’ll call her Nazi-Whore) walks outside and starts clapping her hands at us, “Come on! You’re late, last one in the building runs an extra mile.” Excusie? We are not late.  YOU were 10 minutes late the first day so shut your Nazi-Whore hole.  Neither Anth nor myself enjoys people who think they can boss us around so we both may have trouble with the Nazi-Whore because she was like that the entire fricking time.  The first exercise? Downward facing dog.  Bahaha!  Which by the way was perfect for someone like me who hates to work out and rarely does so.  I think in the end it will give me the results I’m looking for (a toned non-muscular beach bod.)  Anth thought it was “gay” but agreed to keep going because “it will get him in even better shape,” tool.  He totes loved it.  The only thing he complained about was stretching his ass infront of all the people that were walking in for the 6am class.  Mwhahaha.

Anyway, summer is vastly approaching and that means… summer looooove!!  Since I am officially revirginized I have to pick someone to give up my 3rd virginity to.  Yes, this over 1 year since any woopie has happened once before, in college.  My sorority sisters had a ceremony for my “pure soul” and I had to give a speech (it was good, it included bible versus by candlelight and will be posted in due time), then we all went out and got pants shitting drunk to try and get me some sex.  Which didn’t happen for another 4 or 5 months, so I still have a few months before I break my record.

But, yesterday I thought I had potentially locked down a doctor at lunch.  I sat at the “singles” bar where all of the people who don’t have any friends to eat with sit and stare at the wall.  I sat down next to a woman doctor and a few minutes later a hot young surgeon sat down next to me.  Well, hello hellooooo.  I was reading Lucky’s post for yesterday while I ate my burger when the Doctor says, “Whatcha reading there? A blog? What’s it about? It’s so hard to find interesting blogs.”  I quickly closed out the browser and said, “Yeah… the site I’m reading is pretty meh, I think I’ll look for something more compelling.” Totes not trying to knock our blog but I cannot have people at my workplace reading this.  #1 I would abso get fired for talking so much shit #2 What if this doctor would’ve asked me out right after I told him I have this blog where me and my best friend rant about all of our sexual escapades and relationship failures? The stuff on the blog is like 1 year anniversary material.  So anyway, I don’t know if he saw the name or the web address, we could potentially have a new reader… Ellooo doctor! Or maybe he was just trying to make small talk so he could ask me out and then changed his mind because I’m such a spaz.   Who knows.

After it seemed as though my ultimate plan of finding a doctor to love me was taking a turn for the better I came home and started telling Anth about it, he could’ve cared less.  Then Lucky starts telling me about how she is going to see the Hangover 2 this weekend and I’m all, “Anth! The Hangover 2 comes out this weekend, we gotta go see it next week!” And he’s all, “No, we have to go see Thor, my friend who is in it is coming to visit in a few weeks and how big of assholes will we be if none of us have seen it?” Hold the bus, “Your friend was in THOR, THE MAJOR MOTION PICTURE!!!??? How many lines does he have?” “Ummm he was like one of the main characters?” This sparked an idear in my head, “Do you think he’ll want to be my boyfriend?” Anth cracked up and was all, “Maaaaaybbeeee… but he’s a little…out of your league.  I mean, he’s a movie star.”  Well asshole, obviously I was kidding but now I am going to make it my life goal to lose my 3rd virginity to Anth’s friend in Thor.  I started boot camp for Pete’s sake, in 2 weeks I am going to look DAMN GOOD! I mean for real, I have to set some goals for myself or I won’t keep going to boot camp.  So, thanks Anth… you just motivated me to lose 5 pounds.  Dick.

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Who put the girl with the black eye in charge of the 150 million dollar account?

I’m back to report I’m barely alive after my workout sesh with Annie get your roll on Wednesday night.  Fat people might be fat but they know how to boss people around, she had me jumping, laying on some giant ball like a retard, balancing on some half ball, I mean stuff I would never even think to do at a gym.  Every single inch of my body is sore to the point where it hurts me to text or even breathe.  Honestly, my favorite part were the stretches at the end of the workout, because I got to be lazy.  I didn’t have to hoist my foot over my head, Annie get your roll on did all the work for me and it felt awesome.

So after death by exercising Annie get your roll on took me to meet her boss, Dave.  Dave sat me down and explained all of the different training packages Bally’s offers and even gave me a little tutorial on how they rank trainers versus the rate they charge.  Basically, the ones that suck get $45 a session, the ok ones get $55, the mediocre ones get $65, the good ones get $75, and the ones that will make you want to die get $85.  Annie get your roll on is in the mediocre section and they recommended I come twice a week.  You do the math.  I want to look good for beach season and all but I’m sorry I do not have an extra $600 a month lying around to pay to Annie get your roll on so she can shove twinkies in her face while she tells me how to get skinny, I mean I don’t need to lose weight, I could stand to tone up a little but I was thinking I could do this once or twice learn a few things and then go out on my own and get my beach bod.  Annie get your roll on and boss Dave insist I’ll get lazy and won’t push myself like Annie get your roll on will.  True, but I don’t care.  $600 a month could be my payment on 2 new cars yet I barely have 1.   Not happening.

Not wanting to be rude I told Annie get your roll on and Dave I’d have to go home and fiddle with my budget to see what I could afford (hint: nothing) and I’d let them know.  Dave insisted Annie get your roll on do a free follow up session with me next Wednesday.  I’m not going to say no to free advise but I’m still not paying $600 a month. Eff this noise, Gizzy out.

So I came home and complained to the guys about how I was going to be crawling up the stairs and how they should split the sessions with me so we could all get beach bods together, that was a no go, so I retreated to the shower.

I’m just going to say this once and be done with it, adjustable shower heads are the devil.  The devil I tell you. Anth and Doogie point ours way far up because they’re all tall and stuff and never move it back down to where it belongs for poor little wimpy Gizzy.  Already having the strength of an infant from the workout sesh I turn on the shower get ready to hop in, put my hand on the back wall and the next thing I know I’m eye to eye with the drain, the lower half of my body is in the toilet, I’m seeing stars and I can feel the left side of my face beginning to swell.

So now I have a black eye and I had pretty much the most important meeting of my life today with our biggest client.  I covered it up as well as I could but the swelling was what brought the most attention out of everything.  I thought everyone would get a big kick out of me falling in the shower and getting a black eye out of it but no one really asked how it happened.  People just made comments about bar fights, calling me Mike Tyson, and the zinger from our client, “Who put the girl with the black eye in charge of the 150 million dollar account?” My boss pretty much just ignored all the comments while I hid my face in shame, so I’m hoping they all just think I’m a victim of domestic abuse and don’t want to make me feel uncomfortable so we can just sweep this under the rug and I can come in Monday fresh as a clam.

I decided to go to Target after work to see what kind of winners I could pick up with my new shiners/get some workout friendly materials.  Imagine my surprise after the stellar 2 days I’ve had when I roll up to the checkout with my items and the clerk starts judging my purchases out loud.

Clerk: How old is your kid?

Me: Huh!?

Clerk: You’re buying gummy vitamins and spaghettios, you don’t have a kid?

Me: Ummm, nooo those are for me.

Clerk: Oh, you know gummy vitamins are for kids right?

Me: Uhhh says who? And why are you looking through my things, ring them up I need to get out of here.

Clerk: Laxatives are so bad for you.

Me: Do you have a supervisor or can I just punch you in the face for being a cunty whore right now?

Clerk: I mean I’m just saying.

Me: Give me my bag.

Clerk: Have a nice day!

Me: How about you DON’T! Whore.


So yeah, maybe I was buying gummy vitamins and laxatives but I’m trying to cleanse my body so I can start fresh and why buy vitamins you have to swallow when the gummy ones are just as good and taste better? Of course they were already opened when I got home so I have to take them back.  It was probably that skanky skank clerk trying to poison me. But still, gummys > swalllow kind.

Well, time to go thaw out some steak for my face.

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