In order from most recent to oldest, no other introduction necessary:
The other day, someone to not be named told me that maybe if I was a little HAPPIER I wouldn’t still be single. Instead of snapping their neck, I decided to think about what it would take to make me one of those, don’t make me say it, Happy People. I had one of those moments like you get when you’re driving and your mind goes blank then all of a sudden you’re at home and you’re like OMG what just happened how did I get home? I don’t even remember driving here. Well right, that happened when I started thinking about being a happy person, and when I came to, I found the following:
Dear Personality Traits and Readers:
It is with great regret that I inform you my Cynicism and his assistant Negativity have announced their first retirement of January 31, 2012. With nearly 27 years of loyal service, these two will be undoubtedly missed by all. C & N have high hopes for their future outside of My Brain. They plan to travel and are optimistic that they will find their true loves: Pessimism and Despair in that of someone else.
A feeble attempt to fill the gaping holes they will leave in my heart will be made by two new traits, Bubbly and Optimism. We, here in My Brain, don’t have high hopes for these 2 new hires, as we suspect they will get walked all over by assholes and cuntwads, but upper management can be a real bitch.
With that being said, we hope that you will welcome these new un-funny personality traits with open arms. An incentive program will be offered to any other traits that can help B & O become accustomed to our late nights, love for tall dark and handsome men, and desire to become an Australian citizen by that of marriage. (Or don’t welcome them, tell me you hate them, and it will be an AWESOME excuse for me to fall back into being unlovable. I’m cool with it. My family, friends (except Lucky), and co-workers however, are not so kosher with my hatred for humanity, and insist I am still single because no one can love a sour puss.)
In order to have a smooth transition and on-board our new hires, I have brought in a few professionals to help with training: Mr. Captain Morgan and his associate Ms. Cherry Pie (because who can hate a fat drunk girl?). Mr. Morgan has been a colleague of mine since the early 2000’s and is proud to introduce his newest fad in training techniques, one he calls Lime Bite.
We, here in My Brain, are excited to work with Mr. Morgan and Ms. Pie and hope that you, out there, won’t judge us for being drunk and fat. Not only has Cynicism taken our best hidden asset Negativity with him on his travels, our Gym and Tanning memberships got word of the restructure we are undertaking and decided to jump ship as well. Gym and Tanning fees are rising in 2012, and with the outsourcing our new trainers Mr. Morgan and Ms. Pie, we can no longer afford to provide this benefit to our Body Department. Chances are, things are going to get pretty bad around here. We will be looking ugly and pale, not to mention fat and drunk, but by god people will like us because we’ll be happy. If upper management wants us to be peppy and upbeat, we will show them the repercussions of the kind of sacrifices we have to undertake in order to put up with our new posers, Bubbly and Optimistic.
I hope that you can bear with us in the coming weeks as C & N clean up their desks and tie up any lose ends of things that may be bothering us. 2012 is going to be bitchin!
That part of Gizzy’s brain that blacks out and writes weird letters
Saturday night was a typical Saturday “Date Night” evening for me. I cuddled up on my parent’s couch with a good flick (Gnomeo and Juliet) and some brewskis and tucked myself in bed by midnight with my first non-alcoholic beverage of the day.
Just before I went to bed I hopped on the comp to see if “Find Lauren Day” was a success (it was not, 😦 sad), and when my comcast browser opened there was a story that caught my eye under the “Finance” category, the title? “Attention Singles: The True Price of Love” The subtitle? “7 SHOCKING Expenses of Romance.” So I read, and I will paraphrase for the sake of space and voice my opinions of how much bullshit this article is the whole way through it. If anyone doesn’t like my paraphrasing or comments and wants to read the article for them-Stupid-self, there you go. But honestly, my version is way better.
1. Dinner Out On the Town – Dinner at Delmonicos New York’s first fine dining restaurant. Starters, you: $10 market salad – date: $26 shelfish chateau Main Course: you: some chicken dish for $28 date: $90 double porterhouse add in wine, desert, and all that other shit and you’ll be racking up a bill of at least $300.
Ummmm… I’m sorry, but who the fuck are these people dating that they have dinner dates on the reg costing $300? I know top medical professionals who would not drop $300 on a dinner date. #2 Assuming this article is aimed toward men, because AHA! Why would a woman ever give 2 shits about how much a relationship is, we don’t have to pay for anything. But, what woman is going to order a $90 double porterhouse after you just ordered a measly $28 piece of chicken? A BITCH! That’s who, that’s when you excuse yourself and get the fuck out of there and leave her with the bill. Bitch.
2. Special Occasion Cards – Valentines Day, Birthday Cards, Cards to Say “I’m Sorry”, cards for your significant other’s family members on their birthday’s and anniversaries. Estimated cost: $20 – $35 per year.
If the guy I’m dating can’t shell out 25 bucks a year to buy me a damn card on my birthday we’ve got bigger problems than birthday cards.
3. Gifts Just Because – Basically they tell a story about how people buy each other gifts for no reason and say liberated women don’t believe in Valentine’s Day.
Every girl believes in Valentine’s Day if they have someone. Give me a fucking break. That’s like saying women hate diamonds and flowers. And again, I go back to my who the fuck are these people dating where they get gifts for no reason? Clearly Lucky and I aren’t picking the winners. No really, we already knew this, but are there really guys out there that will buy you lavish presents for no reason? Not like Donald Trump, normal guys that we actually have a chance with. Think a Banker’s salary here. It’s doubtful.
4. Wrapping Her In Furs – $200+ but they like the $10,000+ coats from FurOutlets.com
Ummmm… does anyone outside of 1920 know anyone who wears a Fur coat for real? I actually do, but we won’t go there. Ok we will, it’s Snoop-Linus’ mom. And also Lucky and Buttons, but their Furs are fake and hilarious. I thought everyone had kind of decided Fur coats were on the outs? I’m going to take a leap of faith and say when I get to the end of this article I’m going to see that it was written by a man because he clearly doesn’t know SHIT. A fur coat would go nice with my quellazaire though.
5. Flowers Say it for You – They say to avoid spending too much buy flowers for “no reason” during non-holiday times.
No comment here. Cheapskate.
6. Pricing In The Hardware – $220 gets you 1/6 of a carat diamond ring. 3 figure minimum to make the right impression.
Now we’re talking. Hey everyone, come check out my sixth of a carat!! Any guy reading this should take this as a piece of advice: Skip the $300 Delmonico dinners, birthday cards, and Fur coats and splurge for the $200 engagement ring. 3 figures, really? I would like to assume anyone who can afford to spend $300 on dinner should be able to afford to spend more than a dinner would cost on jewelry.
7. What Happens Once You Commit – $1500 extra a year in high income marriage penalties.
Don’t worry, he saved that money when he bought the $220 1/6th of a carat engagement ring.
Annnnd drumroll please…. written by a woman. I’m wrong, BUT she’s probably never been on a date or had a boyfriend. Clearly. I mean I am fully aware that being single is way cheaper than being in a relationship, but being in a relationship is not as expensive as this slorebag makes it out to be. I guess I need to cut her a break, there isn’t much going on in finance right now with interest rates sitting pretty at 0%.
But, if these are the things women are demanding out of relationships these days I need to up my anti and put a fox fur coat with matching fox on my wish list. Then again, I don’t plan on being that girl standing on the corner wearing my fur coat and cracker jack box ring, so maybe I’m good. Yeah, I’m good.
Well here we are, a year out from our first blog.
Last May, I was freshly dumped (it felt just like it sounds) and I was drinking heavily (sounds about right).
While getting dumped sucked a big hairy one at first, doing all that hopeful, powerful women stuff is kind of nice. You know, “HIS loss. I’m better off anyway!! Other fish in the sea!!!”
And I had this magical feeling of freedom. I could stay up until 2 am, eating frozen yogurt standing in my kitchen wearing a Golden Girls t-shirt. I had no obligations to anyone—didn’t have to clean my apartment, didn’t have to stock the fridge with his favorite foods, didn’t have to check my phone…
I don’t know where that Lucky scampered off to.
Sometimes I have to stop myself and wonder what am I doing? I’m certain everyone has those moments, the John Mayer question of “Am I living it right?” or that moment of a quarter-life crisis? I think I’ve had about 7 of those.
Although I bitch about dating more often than anything else, I don’t think that’s what troubles me the most. Pretty sure it’s my job. When I was younger, I had no desire to go to college. My parents didn’t go, and I figured they were doing okay, so what was the point? But as I grew older, I knew I needed college. Once I got there, it was tough at first. I thought I would go into business, or politics, or finance.
Never did I think about being a writer, an editor.
Yet, my path directed me here—and now, all I do is write, sometimes without realizing it. Once I got into writing, I particularly found a love for print journalism. I dreamed of working at a glossy magazine office with other women in pencil skirts. I wanted to stay late and stress over that deadline.
And today, I am the editor of a website that gets more than two million hits a month and I’m in misery.
I have always believed that I am attracted to challenge. Since my job is a breeze, I figure I’m just bored. But when I think of attacking a challenge, like packing my shit and moving to Gizzy’s city, I shrink in fear. I can say, with confidence, that I’m feeling a little lost.
And that’s definitely not where I pictured I would be today, one year out. And of course it isn’t, in general, no one is going to think they’re doing the same old shit, going to the same job, the same happy hour, the same apartment… did I just not work hard enough to get to my dream?
More than some swank office and runway clothes, I cheesily just want to be content in my life. Whether that means scooping frozen custard for soccer moms or alphabetizing books on a shelf, I just don’t want to waste a day doing something I don’t love, being with someone who doesn’t make me happy, or putting up with bullshit.
As small as it may seem, I think this blog is a part of what makes me content. Let’s face it, I get to write whatever the hell I want, you guys actually read it, and then I get to see what you think about it. I haven’t met any of you, but believe me when I say you make this little project fucking awesome.
Well, Lucky has made it quite hard to follow her with her whimsical wise words of a twenty something woman. One year ago I was still in school, living alone, also freshly dumped, lusting after my ex-boyfriend’s friend, and wondering where my life would take me post-school. I often wondered how long I would live at home and early last fall began to mentally prepare for living in my hometown for the rest of my life.
Since then I have dated the ex-boyfriend’s friend, saw the red flags and dumped the ex-boyfriend’s friend, graduated, job hunted, moved back into my parents house, started a job, quit a job, moved to one of the biggest cities in the country, started a career in something I knew nothing about, and left everything I’ve ever known for a fresh start somewhere new.
And surprisingly I’m actually doing OK with it.
The first two weeks after I moved to the big city I cried myself to sleep every night, I missed my family, I missed my bed, I missed the quiet and the peace. I missed my old life. I didn’t know how I would ever make it, I’m not a social person and I have a hard time meeting people, the ultimate question on my mind was, “Would I fail? Would I be a lonely old cat lady?” I still don’t know the answers to those questions, but I can tell you I’m making it. While I don’t live in my dream apartment or work at my dream job, I have started to become passionate about the industry I’m in. Not the research accounting, but more of the research.
I know I’m not qualified to be conducting any kind of life saving research, but my goal for the next year is to volunteer. The thought actually occurred to me when I was walking back to my office from lunch the other day when I walked passed the Children’s Hospital and I thought, “Why am I not in there playing a game with a little kid on my lunch hour to help make their day more fun?” So there you have it, basically my goal is that while I’m still figuring out who I am, I’m going to help someone else.
Is anyone still dry eyed out there?
I know this is not mine and Lucky’s typical demeanor, but it will help us to once a year look back on our lives and reflect on what we’ve done and what we want to do with ourselves. But in the mean time we’ll be on here, cussing like sailors and man hating all the way.
Well I’ve officially ran out of things to blog about, I could tell the story of how I finally broke out of my rut and went out on a week night last night but I’m afraid everyone would be poorly disappointed when I ended the story way short because I came home and got in bed at 9pm. I blame it on my “adjusting” which is a period I have deemed to be 6 months, I have 2 more months until I officially become a loser again. Until then, cheers to adjustment periods! At an attempt to clean out our drafts section, here’s an old blog I started working on but never made the cut for January…
I’m sure everyone is about as sick as I am of seeing facebook friend’s status updates saying, “For 27 yeras I have been a Scorpio and now I’m an Ophiuchus, WHAT IS AN OPHIUCHUS!!?” I don’t know friends, I don’t know. Until it gets a picture/symbol of it’s own it’s really just a poser.
But all this nonsense has made me a Pisces. Which is fine by me, because you know what?! My whole life I read the Aries horoscope thinking this does not sound like me AT ALL. All that zodiac jibber jabber always talked about how Aries are these big strong outgoing pushy people, which is not me. I’m timid and shy, a Pisces if you will. I always read the Pisces horoscope and told myself I could be halvsies because I was born in on March 25, which is only 4 days into Aries, so it’s a little bit Pisces too. For example, Astrology.com says, “Aries are happiest engaging in martial arts,” Um yeah, no. “Sun in Pisces people are frequently pegged as wishy-washy,” YES!! Except it also describes Pisces as what I would picture tree huggers and hobos chasing their dreams to be, which is not so much me either. So, if Aries and Pisces had a baby, it would be born on March 25 and be just like me. So that’s one problem in my life that has been solved, and you all just witnessed it first hand and wasted 2 minutes of your life reading that. My sincerest apologies, glad you were there to see me work through this difficult time.
Moving on to my next sporadic thought. Last week I watched The Talk. I don’t know why I watched The Talk, I’m not particularly proud of it, but an interesting topic of conversation got started and it made me think of my Cocktails At Tiffany’s family here. Someone in the crew of D list celebrities that host The Talk brought up how what you look for in a man changes as you get older.
Darlene from Roseanne said that when she was in her 20’s she would overlook the small things that should be stop signs in relationships. An example she used was a drug addict. Which, ok girlfran, been there done that. Lucky can vouch for me in saying that when I dated the druggie also known as Snoop-Linus that was a low point in my making excuses for worthless guys era. I mean we’ve all done it, we like a guy so we make excuses for him even though we all know better and know that if we have to make an excuse we probably shouldn’t be with them. But we’re in our 20’s and we’re learning so we’re allowed to be stupid as long as we learn from our mistakes. Blah blah blahhh.
Anyway, they went on to say a study showed that women in their 20’s look for men who are “kind” and “faithful” while women in their 30’s look for men with a “good sense of humor,” then they made another valid point, that the study is full of shit. Women in their 20’s WANT to like the kind guy, but instead they like the asshole. Which just makes my whole entire life make more sense.
… This is where the post left off, but I’m going to roll with it. At this point in my 26 year old life a guy could be about as funny as a box of rocks but if I knew he’d never cheat on me I’d marry him yesterday. I don’t really get how these women on the talk can believe a person ever actually quits looking for someone who is faithful but if that day ever comes I give all of you permission to shoot me in the face. The day I say, “Well he makes me laugh so I’ll just turn my head while he’s getting some whoopie from his sexretary,” will be the day hell freezes over.
(Side note: Has anyone seen the new jamster commercial? “Text your name: Miley, and the guy’s name: Justin to 234345” !!!! Jamster! Get with the times, the Bieb and Miley will NEVER be a couple. Ugh)
Anyway, I get the whole idea of looking for different things as your age increases but faithfulness ever not being #1 in anyone’s book just blows my mind.
On another thought, tonight Heather on the Real World finds out her lover Dustin (Zito) did gay porn. I absolutely cannot wait. I may even muster up the energy to twatter through it all. See you there.