Tag Archives: health

He’s a little…out of your league.

Well I just finished day 2 of boot camp, literally 10 minutes ago.  I could puke.  Day 1 wasn’t so bad, everyone takes their “Before”pictures and gets measurements taken and all that jazz.  So after day 1 I treated myself to a bacon egg and cheese biscuit  from McDonalds, it will be the last time we touch lips for some time.  Anyway, Anth didn’t go to the first day because he was out of town and by the looks of the instructors and the rest of the people in the class I knew it wouldn’t be his cup of tea.  He’s really in shape and thinks the amount he can bench press should impress girls and told me first hand he wants nothing to do with “downward facing dog.”

When day 2 rolled around this morning we pulled up about 4 minutes till 5 and the instructor (we’ll call her Nazi-Whore) walks outside and starts clapping her hands at us, “Come on! You’re late, last one in the building runs an extra mile.” Excusie? We are not late.  YOU were 10 minutes late the first day so shut your Nazi-Whore hole.  Neither Anth nor myself enjoys people who think they can boss us around so we both may have trouble with the Nazi-Whore because she was like that the entire fricking time.  The first exercise? Downward facing dog.  Bahaha!  Which by the way was perfect for someone like me who hates to work out and rarely does so.  I think in the end it will give me the results I’m looking for (a toned non-muscular beach bod.)  Anth thought it was “gay” but agreed to keep going because “it will get him in even better shape,” tool.  He totes loved it.  The only thing he complained about was stretching his ass infront of all the people that were walking in for the 6am class.  Mwhahaha.

Anyway, summer is vastly approaching and that means… summer looooove!!  Since I am officially revirginized I have to pick someone to give up my 3rd virginity to.  Yes, this over 1 year since any woopie has happened once before, in college.  My sorority sisters had a ceremony for my “pure soul” and I had to give a speech (it was good, it included bible versus by candlelight and will be posted in due time), then we all went out and got pants shitting drunk to try and get me some sex.  Which didn’t happen for another 4 or 5 months, so I still have a few months before I break my record.

But, yesterday I thought I had potentially locked down a doctor at lunch.  I sat at the “singles” bar where all of the people who don’t have any friends to eat with sit and stare at the wall.  I sat down next to a woman doctor and a few minutes later a hot young surgeon sat down next to me.  Well, hello hellooooo.  I was reading Lucky’s post for yesterday while I ate my burger when the Doctor says, “Whatcha reading there? A blog? What’s it about? It’s so hard to find interesting blogs.”  I quickly closed out the browser and said, “Yeah… the site I’m reading is pretty meh, I think I’ll look for something more compelling.” Totes not trying to knock our blog but I cannot have people at my workplace reading this.  #1 I would abso get fired for talking so much shit #2 What if this doctor would’ve asked me out right after I told him I have this blog where me and my best friend rant about all of our sexual escapades and relationship failures? The stuff on the blog is like 1 year anniversary material.  So anyway, I don’t know if he saw the name or the web address, we could potentially have a new reader… Ellooo doctor! Or maybe he was just trying to make small talk so he could ask me out and then changed his mind because I’m such a spaz.   Who knows.

After it seemed as though my ultimate plan of finding a doctor to love me was taking a turn for the better I came home and started telling Anth about it, he could’ve cared less.  Then Lucky starts telling me about how she is going to see the Hangover 2 this weekend and I’m all, “Anth! The Hangover 2 comes out this weekend, we gotta go see it next week!” And he’s all, “No, we have to go see Thor, my friend who is in it is coming to visit in a few weeks and how big of assholes will we be if none of us have seen it?” Hold the bus, “Your friend was in THOR, THE MAJOR MOTION PICTURE!!!??? How many lines does he have?” “Ummm he was like one of the main characters?” This sparked an idear in my head, “Do you think he’ll want to be my boyfriend?” Anth cracked up and was all, “Maaaaaybbeeee… but he’s a little…out of your league.  I mean, he’s a movie star.”  Well asshole, obviously I was kidding but now I am going to make it my life goal to lose my 3rd virginity to Anth’s friend in Thor.  I started boot camp for Pete’s sake, in 2 weeks I am going to look DAMN GOOD! I mean for real, I have to set some goals for myself or I won’t keep going to boot camp.  So, thanks Anth… you just motivated me to lose 5 pounds.  Dick.

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Paging Dr. Love, not Gene Simmons

As you all know my love life has been pretty meh the past few months.  I got my hopes up with Little Married Mikey and since then there have really been no prospects on the forefront of dating.  You might recall that last week when I had my lunch with Corned Beef I mentioned that she took me to the young hot doctor hot spot.  I didn’t elaborate on this at the time because it took me a few days to figure out what I was going to do with this new wonderful insight.  Well this weekend I saw the light.

I have this brilliant new plan to marry a doctor, and I’m dragging Lucky along with me.  We all know that Lucky is unsure what her situation with her job will be in the coming months so I have practically given her the rights to my first born if she will move to my city so we can frolick arm and arm in the city streets together.

 While I was eating with Corned Beef I noticed several doctors under the age of 30 and I would be lying if I said a few of them didn’t notice me as well.  After all, my place of work isn’t necessarily known for employing attractive people as much as it is smart people, so it is rare to see someone who is even semi-attractive let alone physically fit, not that I am either of these but you know when there’s not much to choose from the ugly duckling starts to look a lot less ugly.  So I decided that I’m going to make the most of this hot doctor lunch spot and find me a doctor husband.  That’s right.  And I’m going to find Lucky one while I’m at it.  

Throughout the next few weeks I plan to go to the lunch spot at various times throughout the day to determine when the pickins are best.  Once I determine that time I will make that my new lunch hour.  I’ll sit at the same table at the same time every day.  Hopefully I will see the same hot doctors and hopefully they will see me too.  It’s inevitable that one day one of us will strike up a conversation and we’ll fall in love over a chicken salad sandwich and iced tea.  And the rest will be history, I can hear the wedding march already.  Lucky told me that Patti Stangler encourages this type of behavior so it must work.  

Lucky will get drug into this brilliant plan when Doctor Love and I get to know each other a little better and I feel comfortable enough to host a find-Lucky-a-hot doctor-too-party with 25 of Doctor Love’s most eligible bachelor doctor friends for her to choose from.  See: This is NOT a set up as much as it is like the bachelor.  There will be half hearts for Lucky to give out at the end of the dinner and if they get a half heart they get a 1 on 1 date and so on, then Lucky will find the hot doctor whose half heart matches her half heart and they will fall in love.  Then we can both marry hot doctors and be housewives and go shopping downtown all day and hire nanny’s to watch the brats.  We’ll walk down the street petting our furs while smoking out of quellazaires and litter just because we can.  And it will be awesome. 

I even ran this whole plan past my mom this past weekend.  Like, “Who’s ready to be the doctors mother in law!!?? YOU ARE!!!” Before I could even finish my new daily lunch schedule she blurted out, “You HAVE to go at the same time everyday!!! This will work!!!” As every father dreams of their son being a scientist, astronaut, or doctor; every mother dreams of her daughter marrying a scientist, astronaut, or doctor.  Why mother, it would be my pleasure to make your dreams come true.  I feel this is an opportunity to really make my family proud.  And by god, you just watch, I’m gonna do it!!!  And so is Lucky!!!!

Day 1 begins Monday.  I will report my findings WITH photo back up.  And thanks to the book Lucky sent me last week (that was also on her Chic Lit list) Straight Up And Dirty, I now know that I need to date at least 3 doctors at once so that I know if I really do like any of them and I’m not just settling for what is there.  

I think my 3 new doctor boyfriends are going to be quite impressed when they hear about my upcoming 17K bike ride.  It’s hard to hold down a job, be a gold digger, and ride a bike all at the same time. I’m exhausted already.  I’ve also started looking up soul food recipes.  Just a few – 1 for some good salisbury steak with taters, a few pies… JUST enough to make them think I am good wife material then once the ring is on my finger it’s back to tv dinners and chinese take out.

Really though… SWF seeks MD.

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Dr. Mike and the half lesbian

Ahhh, another weekend in paradise has come and gone.  And it was a drunken one.  I had my awesome baseball tickets this past weekend that I ended up taking Anth to since Mike is married, he’ll now be known as married Mike as there is a new Mike in the picture! But, we’ll get to that later.

I was excited for the baseball game not because of the free booze, awesome seats, free food or even the chance to mingle with famous baseball players and the city’s socialites I was excited to meet my co-workers boyfriend.  There’s one girl in my office who is 28 (unfortunately she was sick the day I needed the tampon) and I just can’t get a feel for her.  She seems nice and kind of awkward, she talks like a valley girl, but wears tennis shoes and hoodies to work (see: not business professional/appropriate) some days it looks like she’s showered and some days it doesn’t.  When I first started I thought we would become close friends since we are the only 2 people in our department under 50, but that hasn’t happened.  When she told me she was given tickets to the game and her seats were right next to mine and that she was bringing her boyfriend I knew this was my chance to finally figure this chick out.  I was expecting her beau to be a geek but I was oh so wrong.

Let me paint a picture of this guy for you:

Except not Russell Brand, not hot, greasy hair, and a 5 o’clock shadow that had to of taken him 6 months to grow, not to mention the high pitched voice.  I shouldn’t judge though, the guy was really nice and they were all over each other, which is something I don’t have, so I’m the ass.  

It’s whatever though, Anth and I drank each other under the table came home at 8:30 where I went to bed and Anth proceeded to go out and pick up the first random chick he could.  I heard them come in the door not an hour after he left and the next morning I wandered upstairs to make it awkward.  If I have to say if anything is fun about living with guys it is simply making random skanks they bring home feel awkward in the morning.  99% of them hide their faces and don’t want to meet me because they know they’re whores.  This girl was different, she wanted to be my best friend, she even made us all breakfast.  Just when I was starting to wonder why Anth was sending me BBMs that he wished the girl would leave and about how she wouldn’t even make out with him (that’s called smart if you ask me) because I thought the girl was great she made the comment of all comments.  I don’t recall what we were watching on tv but some how lesbians were brought up and the girl went off on a tangent about how just because she likes lesbian porn doesn’t make her a lesbian, and just because she wouldn’t mind a girl doing stuff to her she doesn’t want to do anything to a girl and that doesn’t make her a lesbian either.  Ummm, yeah…I think it does hooking up with girls and not hooking up with guys=lesbian.  She was young so we argued with her about it, we told her maybe she was bi-sexual, but no no that’s not the case.  Finally she agreed that maybe she’s a half lesbian.  At that point I just said the thing that was on everyone else’s mind, “Can I call you a cab or something?” And she left.  Hoorah!

After the weekend it was back to boring for me until yesterday when I got a visitor in my office, you would have thought the guy was carrying a dozen roses and a diamond ring in his pocket the way I lit up.  I am a financial advisor of sorts for doctors who do research, so it’s not weird to have a doctor come visit me or call me up to talk about their research.  Typically they are old enough to be my grandfather or don’t speak a lick of english, but THIS guy was H-O-T and can’t be a day over 30.  He gave me his number “for work purposes” and told me to “contact him frequently” about his spending.  OOOK!  His name is Mike, but I’ll call him Dr. Mike.  Just so everyone doesn’t get excited about anything that could potentially happen with Dr. Mike, I’m 99% sure I’m setting myself up to get let down again, Dr. Mike had nicely ironed clothes as well.  The day I see a guy walk through my door with a wrinkled shirt and wrinkled pants I’ll know he’s my guy.  I mean my roommates don’t iron their clothes so it’s a safe assumption that all single men under the age of 30 don’t, am I right or am I right?  Plus how can a hot doctor not be snatched up yet? The odds are against me.

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High School Crush

Gee whiz, sorry errybody, I have been slacking on my posting because my job takes up all my time and when I get home I pretty much face plant into my bed.  It’s a rough life.  Anyway…

The time has come to reveal the story of the high school crush.  Twas the summer before my freshman year in high school when I first locked eyes on HSC, we were taking summer gym and health together learning about periods, squats, and all that jazz. While we never actually talked that summer I was still pretty much head over heels in love with him and it only grew when we got to high school and had the same history class.  That’s right, a full year of high school crush every frickin’ day.  My attendance was perfect that year, not only was high school crush in my class but our last names are by each other in the alphabet and we had assigned seats next to each other.   So we got to know each other more and more and had that innocent 14 year old flirtation thing happening along with note passing and doodling on each others notes.  How presh!

Then he got a girlfriend and crushed my dreams, so I dated his best friend.  Revenge sucka! Years passed and it was our senior year, you all already heard the story of how we made out and I puked on him, that whole thing passed and we returned to school.  The secret was out that we liked each other, but there was also that other pesky girl that puked on him that liked him too.  One day after school my friend Mo sat me down and told me that he liked both of us and he didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t pursue it after that because I wasn’t going to be in a line up of girls for him to choose from, because goddamnit any guy who is going to be with me shouldn’t even have to think about it!! So he dated the other girl, they fell in love and dated through a few years of college and the only time we ever spoke to each other was in passing at parties, where I mostly gave him the stink eye for not chasing after me, and also dumped a bag of chips on his head when he passed out at a party once.  But shhh… nobody knows that.  I have a picture too.  I’ll share it later when he loves me and we can all have a good laugh about it.

The last time I saw him was about a month after my 21st birthday (over 4 years ago), when I was home for Easter and went to a bar with a few friends.  I saw HSC, his parents, and his bff sitting in  a booth.  3 vodka cranberry’s later I went over and sat in the booth with them.  Apparently I interrupted a very deep conversation because as soon as I sat down HSC’s mom points to me and says, “Is this the prostitute you were talking about?” Like christ lady, I know I was wearing wedge heels that strapped half way up my leg but that was in style back then, I mean it was 2006! And I had on a full coverage t-shirt.  Give me a break.

So 4 years passed and when Snoop-Linus and I hit the rocks I made the executive decision to send HSC a facebook message, because he looks good, I look good and I thought we should try and look good together. But instead I asked where the good areas to live in his city were because I was considering moving there after school.  Which was not true at all, just a conversation starter.  Also something we will laugh about at our wedding, you guys can tell the story in your toast if you want.  It’s cool with me.  We exchanged a few messages and the conversation trailed off into the land of lost conversations.  5 months later I got a facebook message from him asking if I ever moved there.  We messaged back and forth, exchanged numbers and decided we would meet to catch up.  Which here 3 months later still hasn’t happened.  With a push from Lucky I decided to text him last night, and this convo between Lucky and myself happened:

G: Annnnnnd sent…..Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

L: Wwahhhhhhh

G: OMG I hope he doesn’t reply, what will I say back?

L: You will say, “I’m a gay wad!”

G: Yeah he’s probably thinking I’m a gay wad for starting a text “hey hey”

L: You said that?

G: I mean I said more but yeah I started it with hey hey.  I panicked.  He’s not responding, is he?

L: Bwhahahahahaha he will respond.

G: I do it all for the blog.  I just cried after I sent that.  This is like a life long dream come true.

L: HAHA!! I think I want him to respond just as much as you.

G: OMG HE RESPONDED!!! I can’t look.

L: OMG OMG OMFG!!!!!!

G: What do I say?!!!!!!! OMG I won’t be in town!!! I have to work that night!! Fuck ballsack!! My life is over!!!!!

L: Lol omg I’m loving it.  Say you’ll be in town for Thanksgiving and in the city Friday if he wants to grab a drink?

G: Yeah that’s good

L: Just feel him out and see if he’s booked

G: Annnnnnd sent! Ahhhhh!

L: Don’t have a heart attack

G: I’m going to write my 16 year old self a letter tonight and tell her, “Don’t worry, you WILL talk to HSC when you are 25.”

L: You totally said you’d be in town Wednesday. (I was forwarding Lucky the convos as they were happening for evaluation.)

G: Ohhhh shit! I panicked again!

L: The ex was texting me wanting to know what I was doing and I was like uhhhh freaking out because Gizzy is texting HSC!!!!

L: I’ve been watching QVC for 3 days.  It makes me so happy, no drama, all happy, everything is so pretty.

L:  Did he respond yet?

G: No 😦 This kind of feels high school again, like how I added him to msn messenger and never talked to him, I’ve had his number for 3 months and never used it.

L: Christ.

G: OMG he’s not writing back! Why did I have to say something about drinking? He’s probably like goddddd she’s such a drunk.

L: Gizzy remember what you tell me, not to freak out when they don’t respond right away.  He could be having dinner.

G: Yeah with a girl, FUCK! He’s dating someone omg.

L: No he’s single.

G: Oh he texted back

L: HAHAHAHA

This went on for upwards of 15 texts until Lucky and I decided it was time for me to be cool and quit freaking out because I was freaking her out.  We texted for a solid 5 hours until almost midnight and officially have plans to meet up on Wednesday.  I don’t think there are words to express what’s going through my head.  I probably would’ve literally peed myself had this happened in high school, we’re talking an 11 year crush and something is finally happening.  All that waiting finally paid off.  I’m the winner!!!! The last girl standing! BOOYAHHH!!!! If this doesn’t work out I really might die.


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