Did all you baby momma’s have a good Mother’s Day? My mom did, we bought her a new digital camera and god damnit she better love it! She does.
Anyway, I’m just going to jump right into this because I can’t contain the crazy in my head any longer. We got together with the fam yesterday for Mother’s Day. I know every family has that 1 crazy aunt or uncle that’s a little wacky, but my aunt takes the cake. She’s been married and divorced twice and just broke up with her boyfriend of a year. I can’t even tell you how we got on the topic of love and relationships but all fucking hell broke loose when we did.
She talked about her failed marriages, her failed relationships, how she doesn’t know why men and women would ever be paired together because we’re so different. Regardless of the fact that she’s about to turn 50, probably going through menopause, AND a mid-life crisis and the fact that she is single, she was dead serious about this shit.
As if the rambling wasn’t enough, she got out her purse and started showing us religious relationship books that men at church had given her. She went on about how it was so inappropriate that they gave her these books because she thinks they were hitting on her, but she read the books anyway and they had some solid advice, in her opinion. Book #1:
The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts
She explained that the 5 love languages is finding out what 5 things your partner needs to fill up their “love tank” and how to make each other feel loved. Because friends, if you’re love tank is full, you are a happy camper. She went on to tell us in order the 5 things she needs to fill up her love tank:
#1 Touch (which she described as “making love” and “foreplay” and “lying around naked and feeling each other” ok Aunt Cray Cray, you liked to get boned… we get it.)
#2 Quality time (I would say this goes along with the boning, no humping and dumping allowed)
#3 Service (also boning related?)
Then she proceeded to tell us about how she had analyzed her failed relationships and what she thought their 5 love languages were and how she wasn’t fulfilling them, but she’s going to overflow her new boyfriend’s love tank with what he needs. Mind you, this was all over a Mother’s Day brunch and none of the rest of us could get a word in edge wise, I just continued to eat to subside how uncomfortable I felt.
She had a short question and answer period at the end of reading us this book and since I’m the only fucking single one other than Aunt Cray Cray the spotlight was on me. She asked if I was to the point in my life where I’m beginning to analyze my failed relationships. “Um yeah Aunt Cray Cray, I’ve been doing that since I was 18” now why is it that you think you do that? “Um because I’m awesome.” nom nom nom nom. She went on to say that she’s going to get me a copy of the book because I need to find out what will fill up my love tank before I can ever be in another relationship again or I’m going to be a miserable unhappy cat lady for the rest of my life. Aunt Cray Cray, I’ll tell you what will fill up my love tank: Finding a nice guy who won’t cheat on me. Boom! Love tank full.
She didn’t go in as deep with the other 2 books that she pulled out and honestly I can’t even remember the names of them because I was too busy picking my confidence out of the dumpster to pay attention to her rants any longer, but they were equally ridiculous.
I’m pretty much used to getting the short end of the stick when it comes to my family, I’m the most successful so I get the most shit. I’ve pretty much boiled it down to everyone needs to make me feel like shit about being single because that’s all they can make me feel bad about in order to make themselves feel better, and I’m fine with it because I know I’ve got my education even if I am single the rest of my god forsaken life. AND YOU CAN’T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME, SO HAH!
When I first started college my 90 year old great grandmother asked if I was done being Lucifer’s whore. I didn’t have any idea what she was talking about so I was all, “Granny, what in the eff are you talking about you crazy old bat?” Then she attempted to “shake the devil out of me” because I “was for sure going to hell for going to college away from my family, the lord, and what I knew.” Alright, whatevs, pass the peas. So as you can see, being an unhappy old hag is nothing compared to being a whore to the devil himself.
It’s no surprise to any of you that Lucky and I are depressed that we are practically the only single women left in our circles of friends. Having my family call me out on being single with really no shot at ever finding love because I don’t know what I want didn’t so much upset me as it made me want to take action. So when my non-crazy aunt started talking about how they are going to do this 17 mile bike ride through the city streets 2 states away on memorial day weekend I jumped the gun and said, “I WANT TO GO!” Do I know how to ride a bike? Yes. Do I own a bike? No. Do I have any business riding 17 miles on a bike in 2 weeks when I get winded walking up a flight of stairs? Fuck no.
So now I’m stuck with this dilemma. I wrote her a check to sign me up for the bike marathon, if that’s what you want to call it, because my short idiotic thoughts were that I need to get some hobbies and do things away from the bottle in order to meet the kind of guys I consider husband worthy. Which isn’t a bad thought, but I don’t think going into cardiac arrest and being unconscious in the middle of the street 2 states away is really going to find me that dream man I’m looking for either.
Really my only option is to buy one of these bike buggys and beg someone to pull me along so I can get my $35 worth and my free t-shirt.