Tag Archives: holidays

Gizzy’s Christmas Letter

Since I’ve been MIA for about, oh forever, I figure you guys might like a little update on what’s going on in my life besides being a dumpee victim. So here I give you my Christmas-esk letter about all the other stuff.

Dear Family, Friends, Colleagues, and People I don’t know:

I hope this letter finds you well. As you know, in the past 6 months my life has done a 180 and back again. It’s been a weird ride, hopefully for the better but we’ll find out when this transitional phase in my life is over.

My new job near hometown is awesome. I really have no complaints, I mean working with numbers kind of sucks donkey but I couldn’t ask for a better office atmosphere. Basically take the complete opposite of my job in the big city times that by 10, douce it in glitter, have Elton John sing about it, and you’ve got my new job. My department is comprised of all women (13 of us), which you might think would be a lot of drama, but it’s not at all, most of them are older and hysterical. When my alma mater played the nearby University that everyone cheers for in basketball, they decorated my office space in streamers, banners, and memorabilia of their team, and interrupted me with the fight song every time I opened my mouth that day. My original plan was to take this job because it was a permanent position and keep it until I could find something permanent in the branch of the company I had originally started out in. But now I like working with these ladies so well, and they’ve honestly brought me out of my social anxiety shell, that I might just stay forever. They like to have office parties, literally every other week, and it’s awesome. At first I was like, okay are we ever going to do work around here? But now I love it and can’t wait until the next one – which happens to be my birthday celebration. Aside from Lucky and my family, no one has ever done anything special for my birthday, hell my co-workers in the Big City didn’t even know when my birthday was (assholes). But as soon as these guys found out my birthday was approaching they scheduled a party planning meeting where they asked me what my favorite types of foods were, what I didn’t like to eat, what my favorite colors are, and what theme I wanted (I picked Princess theme, because why the eff not? I will absolutely wear a sparkly tiara and fluffy dress for the day and I will rock the shit out of it). For the first time since I turned 21 I’m actually excited for my birthday.

And since I’ve started working there, I’ve discovered that if you go to graduate school at that nearby University that my office happens to be partnered with, if you can get in, you go for free. Getting an MBA has always been a big goal of mine, so I did all that riff-raff to apply, got accepted, and will be starting graduate classes this summer. I meet with my academic advisor Friday morning to schedule my classes – eck! So, for right now I’m pretty stoked, come July and August when I’m balancing school and work I’ll probably feel different but ya know, whatevs.

I signed up to run two 5Ks this summer, one supporting epilepsy research in honor of my sister (Team Ella!) and one that’s just for fun where there’s lot of beer at the end, I hope to run a mini-marathon or tough mudder race in the fall (if I don’t die of exhaustion before then).

Aside from that, I’m up to the same old shenanigans. I still like drinking beer, cussing like a sailor, watching trashy tv, and sitting on my couch. Some things never change.

Happy Holidays!

Gizzy

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The week after

Well it’s the week after I got dumped.  I’m still pretty much a big pile of cynical snotty gunk, but thanks to all of my friends and family I’ve been able to vent (a lot) this past weekend.  I took Thursday and Friday off work, I WAS sick, but I took it off because of the breakup.  I don’t think anyone would have appreciated me sitting at my desk crying on my work. 

After talking with my Stepmom, Lucky, Betty, and Gigi I decided to write Nutter Butter a letter.  He threw a lot at me last Wednesday night, with no warning.  I was blindsided and a blubbery mess while we were on the phone and could hardly get out words that made sense. On Thursday I sat down and wrote a rather lengthy letter, basically dissecting everything he said and telling him how it made me feel, since he didn’t know.  I challenged a lot of what he said too.  I struggled with the decision to send it, because even though my letter trumped everything he said during “the breakup call” the fact of the matter was that he still wanted to break up with me, whatever the true reason may be.  I slept on the decision and woke up Friday morning still feeling like there were things I needed to say to him.  So I sent it to gain some closure for myself.  I sent it with the expectation that I would get no response, because there really is nothing he can say back to it, and I haven’t heard anything from him since Wednesday.  Someday soon when all my emotions aren’t so raw I will most likely post it, but I don’t want to bum everyone out bright and early Monday morning.

With that being said, I had Stepdad’s family Christmas to attend on Saturday afternoon.  NB was supposed to go with me and they were all excited to meet him, so of course as soon as I walked in the door I was bombarded with questions about where he was.  So I cried into my ham and mashed potatoes and told my whole extended family about how I got dumped.  Not 15 seconds after the words came out of my mouth my uncle said “Aww, well now we can invite Jared to come meet you!!!” Um, please take a few moments to remember Jared. Seriously? Fuck me. Over a year later I am still dealing with this crap, but can you at least give me 5 seconds to be upset about getting dumped by someone I love before you start in with this again? I mean of course it came up like every 20 minutes the rest of the time we were there, so between that and Step Grandma telling me that I am the sweetest person she knows and someday I’ll find someone who won’t take advantage of that, basically the whole Christmas was about my love life.

Moving along to Sunday night, I was sitting on my couch watching The Golden Globes telling myself I was NOT going to cry myself to sleep that night when my phone went off.  I saw it was a number that I didn’t have stored in my phone, and the area code was from the big city – I looked at the text that read, “what’s going on??” and I knew exactly who it was. Snoop-Linus. Why is God punishing me?  A few minutes later I got a second text, “We were at my gpas house cleaning up everything since he passed and found the picture of you me and the dog.  Just was thinking about you. Would love to catch up with you. It’s been forever. Hope you and your family are doing great!!” I mean, seriously. I haven’t gotten a text from Snoop-Linus in 7 months and haven’t replied to one or talked to him in over 2 years. Why is this happening to me?! 

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This one’s for the singletons.

HEY YO, it’s Friday. Friday before Christmas, and I’m Jolly as hell, if that’s possible. Because I’m so cheerful, I’ve got a treat for ya! Resident Nice Guy Matthew wrote a lil somethin’ somethin’ to warm your hearts just in time for St. Nick’s visit. Enjoy!

Being single this time of year sucks.

I’m not speaking just in terms of Christmas and New Years. I’m talking December, I’m talking winter, I’m talking when it has the potential of getting cold enough (at least here in Kansas) to make you want to wet yourself to stay warm. Maybe it would more appropriate for me to say being single from about late November to late March really sucks. However, since Christmas is merely a short number of days away let’s keep this timely shall we?
During this time of year there is one particular type of person you do not want to be; a hopeless, old-fashioned, romantic. A person like this isn’t necessarily lost between the realms of reality and fantasy. This is the type of person who holds on to the belief that if you truly want the love-story-of-all-love-stories it’s up to you to make it happen. Do you know anyone like this? If not, please allow me to introduce you to one so you aren’t lost as you continue to read on.
 
Hi. It’s a pleasure to meet you.
 
It is my most humbled opinion that around this time every year my brain becomes hard-wired for having someone special in my life. Let me paint you a [word] picture (if anything, because I studied art for nearly a decade and I would hate to let those fine-crafted skills go to waste):
 
Our Story Begins…
 
On this particular imaginary December Saturday evening it is bitterly cold and snowing. Inside of the apartment one can hear Michael Buble singing ‘All I Want For Christmas Is You’; (Editor’s note: here, allow me  
…while from the kitchen two other voices can be heard laughing and singing along. While I am busy adding a secret ingredient (Rum Chata) to a couple cups of hot cocoa, [insert name of woman I should be dating] is plating our Chinese take-out. Carrying our respected dishes of the perfect “snowed in” meal we head to the living room where the fireplace has already been turned on to provide a combination of ambiance and warmth. As we both settle onto my freakishly awesome couch we begin the first Christmas movie planned for our holiday marathon.
 
Now, in the ideal situation I’ll be lucky enough to find a woman who will appreciate (tolerate) some of my unique choices in Christmas movies; such as Gremlins and Die Hard. However, other choices would consist of classics such as Holiday Inn andWhite Christmas; comedies like Christmas Vacation and Home Alone; to the more serious plot lines of Serendipity and The Family Stone. Regardless of what we watch, once we’ve finished eating she curls up in my arms and we cuddle under a fleece blanket. 
 
As the credits begin to roll on the second film I get up indicating that I’ll take the dog(s) out for a quick walk. While I’m securing my hoodie, before putting on the next layer, she begins taking care of our dinner mess because we’re awesome and believe in that teamwork thing. By the time I return she’s not only changed into some sweats, and that t-shirt of mine that looks oh-so-good on her, but she’s also poured a couple glasses of wine. Obviously no movie marathon is complete without popcorn. I remove a pot from a lower cabinet, pour in some olive oil, and switch on a burner. Don’t act so surprised that I didn’t just throw a bag into the microwave and hit the ‘popcorn’ button. You have to respect your food and make it with such respect. By the time I return to the couch I’m carrying a tub of popcorn with the perfect proportions of cheddar, and kettle corn, seasoning with a hint of melted butter. 
 
The credits are now nearly complete on the third film. The popcorn has been, more-or-less, devoured. Our wine glasses sit together, empty, on the floor. Glancing through the balcony door she notices that the snow is now tranquilly falling to the ground and recommends that we sit outside to enjoy it for a bit. I make a comment on how cold it is (below freezing). She counters by saying we can share a seat under one blanket, and bring out the remaining half-bottle of wine. I agree without hesitation.
 
The view from the balcony consists of a blanketed white landscape lit by a series of street lights running along side the street and strings of Christmas lights on neighing apartment buildings. After taking a pull from the wine bottle she nestles her head on my shoulder and hands it to me. After taking a swig myself I let out a relaxing sigh. She turns her head towards me, smiles, gives me a kiss on the neck, and lets out her own happy sigh. Four minutes total go by before she says she’s too cold and wants to go back inside.
 
At speeds that would even challenge The Flash she rushes into the apartment, slides the glass door shut and by the time I’m standing and facing the door, she locks it. Calmly standing in the cool elements I give her that “Really?” look we’re all familiar with. She stands there with the largest childish grin. It’s a great grin. How can I not like this woman? I try pleading with her. I try bribing her with promises. She doesn’t budge. At this point my ears are as red as Rudolph’s nose. Time has come to play the card that has a success rate of 83%. Puppy. Dog. Eyes. She says I’m not playing fair. This time I don’t budge until she finally cracks and unlocks the door. 
 
By the time my shoes have been removed, and I’m sliding the balcony door shut, she has found a place to sit directly in front of the fireplace. Her hand pats the ground next to her while she gives me an over-exaggerated come hither look. I point at myself pretending to ask her non-verbally, “Me?”, and look over both of my shoulders. Shrugging said shoulders, I slowly make my way over with hands deep in my pockets pretending to be extremely embarrassed but flattered. We both snicker as I sit down next to her. She looks at my still red ears and genuinely feels bad for her joke. Looking into my eyes she makes cups with both of her hands and holds them over my ears.  
 
We realize just how big of dorks we are. It works. I become lost in a trance as I watch the flicker of light from the fire reflect in her eyes. I can’t help notice just how beautiful she is. She returns with a look like she has just read my mind and knows I just called her beautiful.
 
 
Is that a vivid enough picture? 
 
This is how my mind works. That’s why is sucks to be me, during the holidays, and single. I’ll be completely honest with you and admit that it can be a bit of a downer from time to time. It isn’t a lonely feeling. I’m not lonely. I am fortunate enough to have incredible people in my life. I live in a city where I have close friends, and even family, anywhere between 5 to 25 minutes away. There are even more close friends, and again family, only a mere phone call away. Then thanks to the powers of technology there are friends who are a mere key stroke away. It would be virtually impossible, and illogical, for me to even try and convince myself that I was alone. I’m never alone. 
 
The present situation is, more or less, just frustrating. It’s frustrating because there’s so much inside that just wants to burst out. 
 
So let me say it again, being single this time of year sucks. 
 
Do I need someone in my life to make me happy, to make things feel complete? No.
 
But it sure as hell would be nice to have someone special to share all of this with. 
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It’s that time of the month

Breathe in… and out… in… out.  I just reserved mine and Lucky’s hotel for VEGAS!!! That’s right, May 12-15th be there or be square and I am having to do breathing exercises to calm myself down from it.  What? You’re right; those are different dates than originally planned.  But I’ll let Lucky vent about the date change whenever she feels ready.  Also I’d like to apologize for my lack of posting and for the shortness of this post, my life is pretty boring (with the exception of going to see Lucky and our 5 day drinking binger) and I really don’t have much on my mind other than sleep, eat, and Vegas.

But today, let’s talk just a little about how all the men in my life are on their periods. Seriously.

Anth has had his panties in a twist for the past 3 weeks about St. Patrick’s Day. In The Big City St. Patty’s day is a big deal, there’s a parade, there’s festivities, and everyone gets really wasted.  Anth takes it upon himself to find a bar every year that has a drink deal and tries to force all of his friends to get tickets.  Usually people comply, but I don’t like to be told what to do, and I also don’t like buying a ticket to go out drinking a month in advance.  You know? Shit comes up and I don’t want to be out $30 if I can’t make it to the bar on said holiday. So, Anth has asked me every single day for the past 3 weeks if I have gotten my ticket yet for the bar, and every day I gave him the same answer: No.  There was a time when I wanted to invite High School Crush to come up, because it worked out that all of the people going to the St. Patty’s Day festivities in our group were couples, then I decided I didn’t want to do that.  And now I just don’t want to go because Anth is being so annoying about it.

Then, I came home from Lucky’s the other day and he started an all out BBM argument over St. Patrick’s Day.  Yes, Anth is fighting with me about a drinking schedule.  He went off about how I should just tell him that I don’t want to hang out with them because we’re all grown up’s and they can handle it.  It’s not that I don’t want to hang out with that group of people per say, it’s that I don’t want to be the 13th wheel in a group of a couples that will get drunk and ultimately be all over each other at the end of the day.  Like my life is depressing enough, I don’t need to be around that.

After I thought about the things he was saying it made a little more sense, some other comments he made were, “Why don’t you like me?” “Why don’t you like to hang out with me” etc.. etc.. Since Anth has started dating his girlfriend we really don’t hang out at all.  I’m okay with it, but apparently he isn’t, hence him trying to force me to go to St. Patty’s day to be their 3rd wheel.  Thanks, but no thanks.

Then there’s High School Crush.  Sigh.  We were to a point where we were talking pretty much every day.  It was nice.  But it was still through text, we’d talk about hanging out, but no concrete plans were ever made.  The whole distance thing seemed to still be holding him back, yada yada yada same old tune.  Then this week the texts just kind of stopped.  I’m not freaking out about it; that just uses up way too much energy.  And if it stops for a while? Fine. I’m  out of texting subjects at the moment anyway. I’m just going to blame it all on these boys having their periods.

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We’re getting married…to dudes!

That’s right, you read correctly, Me (Lucky) and my best pal Gizzy are finally getting hitched…and NOT to each other!

And so, like every other bride to be, there’s planning to be done, cakes to eat, parties to attend, registries to build, and of course, a wedding website to capture it all!  Wondering who the lucky gents are? Read and weep my friends…

Follow us on our newest journey: Lucky & Gizzy’s Fairytale Wedding

Happy Valentine’s/Single Awareness Day!

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Our grown up Christmas list.

It’s Christmas Eve Eve! One of my favorite holidays of the year…

I know most of you probably have the day off, or perhaps you’re already traveling to your holiday destination…But I just couldn’t bear the thought of leaving you without a Christmas post of some sort.

Since writing a Christmas list is one of my favorite pastimes, here it is—Lucky & Gizzy’s Holiday Wish List 2011:

This year, I wish:

  • John Mayer would finally text me, confess his undying love for me, then bake me a cake asking me to marry him on it. In the icing.
  • I would win the lottery. And that it would be tax-free.
  • I could meet Gavin DeGraw.
  • That a new job opportunity would arise. To be Justin Bieber’s manager.
  • I could learn how to play the guitar. Overnight.
  • BEX’s apartment would collapse. With him inside.
  • I could be a co-host for Live With Kelly.
  • I could be a cover model. That’s it.
  • I would wake up in Europe. With this guy:
  • That I could get an invite. Tonight. To this party:

If you really want to know, I asked for a pair of sweat pants of Victoria’s Secret this year. That’s how fucking lazy and pathetic I am. I also thought long and hard about what I REALLY REALLY wanted under my tree this year. My answer? A gift from John Mayer was the one thing I wanted. So, I bought myself a gift, wrapped it, and put on the tag “To Lucky, From John Mayer.”

This year I wasn’t sad about being single, so you know that’s all I can ask for.  I’m happy being a lonely old spinster and next year I’m going to get a few dozen cats and well, then I’ll be ready to die.

But if you’re going to twist my arm, I also wish:

  • For world peace and to end hunger  (There I said it, now I totes deserve the rest of the things on my list because I am a good person.)
  • To come home from vacation and have my car be stolen, same goes for that frat house I live in.
  • That my family didn’t think it was necessary to put everything we own in the attic while we are away on vacation.  They are just sure someone is going to break in to steal Ella’s American Girl Dolls.
  • For High School Crush to make a move so we can get married already, if I can’t have this I’d like for Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes to breakup so that I can have him to make me feel better.
  • To wake up Christmas morning and be famous.  And rich.
  • That we get a babillion hits this month.  Or that we get freshly pressed, we stopped cussing so much for that shit!
  • That people don’t notice when I start to slowly incorporate an Australian accent into my speech.
  • That I don’t kill my family on this vacation we’re on.
  • That the Chipmunks from Alvin and the Chipmunks would come to life and be my friends/slaves.
  • My friend who has a record deal would write a theme song to my life, record it, and help me make the video for it.  Just so that when I’m feeling down about myself I can watch it and be like OHH HAHA that’s right, that is my life.
I really did ask for all those things this year.  But not from my parents, from Jesus.  I typically don’t make a Christmas list for my parents because they always hand me wads of cash on Christmas and call it day. And you know what, money can buy happiness, so keep it comin rentals.  So when I do ask for something I always ask Jesus to hook a sistah up because he’s The Man, and I only ask for things that will legitimately make me cooler a better person for mankind.

Done and Done.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukuh, and a Joyous Kwanzaa to all (you little jerks)!

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The night I FINALLY hung out with HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH… Part 1

So if I didn’t let on enough, I was SUPER psyched up for this past Friday night.  I had seen on facebook that THE HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH and I would be attending the same party.  It was pretty much now or never.  Something had to happen because this shit has been 12 years in the making and if something didn’t happen this weekend – I was going to give up.  That’s a lie, but for dramaz I’ll keep it.

Betty, her boyfriend, and I went to the party fashionably late.  I honestly don’t know if I’ve ever been so nervous. Like, I was almost too nervous to drink.  ME, Gizzy, too nervous to drink! It’s insane.  Every room we walked into I was scanning to try and spot him, there were a few times when I had false alarms and got my hopes up.  I was pretty much convinced that he wasn’t coming and had already texted Lucky saying he wasn’t there.  When finally, the fog cleared (there was no fog) and there he was.  I wanted to feel it out to see how the night was going to go.  In my head, if he acknowledged me first it was going to go well because that means he’s grown up, if I had to acknowledge him it would probably be super awkward and nothing would happen. 

I was standing there chatting with Betty and her boyfriend peaking out of the corner of my eye when I heard someone yell, “GIZZZY!!!!” when I looked over, it was him.  YE-ES!! And a good night it would be!  He waved me over to come talk to him, and when I got to the group first I said hi to his best friend, then got the best effing hug of my life from HSC.

Honestly, it didn’t feel like none of us had hung out in 7 years.  It was like we were all still BFF’s and had just seen each other last week.

Of course, I had a ridiculous ugly Christmas sweater coozie on my beer and was holding the beer by the coozie.  And OF COURSE the beer fell out of the coozie, all over HSC, and I looked like a drunkass even though I was only halvsies drunk – mind you I was double fisting at this point, so it’s probably safe to say I already looked like a drunkass before the beer ever dropped.

There was one girl from high school there, Lindsay.  Lindsay was a girl I wasn’t really friends with in high school, but we were cordial to each other, and she hung out with this same group of guys, so sometimes Lucky and I had to tolerate her and her stupid friends.  Lindsay stood there and Judge Judyed me while I picked up the beer.  She also wasn’t drinking, nor was she wearing an ugly sweater.  When I popped up from picking up the beer I was all, “OMG I’M SO SORRY GUYS! IT WAS THE COOZIE!! THE COOZIE MADE ME DROP IT!!” And she was like, “Ugh I can’t take this, I’m tired, I’m leaving.”  Ok, Judgey McJudgerson – fucking BYE! Get out of here!

Later I told Lucky that it was a blessing from above that the rest of the girls weren’t there.  Because if they had been, things would not have transpired with HSC like they did.

These girls were constantly vagina blocking me in high school.  They snatched him up for every single dance, and basically didn’t give the rest of us an ice cube’s shot in hell with him.  

 But I digress.  Now hey are all married, ugly, and fat so it’s not like he would’ve been hooking up with one of them even if they were there – but his time probably would’ve been consumed by them.  Because they are whores.  I also wouldn’t have felt comfortable standing there talking to him like at all with them standing there looking at me all judgey.  So I owe the guy upstairs big time for throwing me a bone on that one.

Anyway, after Judge Judy left we continued to talk for a while.  The first thing he said to me, “So you live in The Big City now, right?” OOOOOH YEAH.. I never told him or his friends with that I moved – he totallllllly facebook stalks me.  THEN, he mentioned a picture I posted on facebook last week.  I’m probably getting ahead of myself in saying this, but I like to think of it as a little preemptive stalking before the party to see what my deal was.  Uh yes, I’m single, and yeah I look a little better than I did in high school – so leeeets do this!

Mid-conversation Betty pulled me away to ask me something stupid, and when I turned around he was gone.  A little later the party ended and Betty was ready to move on to the next bar.  We were taking 1 last shot when I spotted HSC on the other side of the bar.

Now, I didn’t remind Betty that I’ve liked him for 12 years because she would’ve said inappropriate things that would have turn him off of me. So if at all possible, I wanted to keep her out of the loop and let things progress on their own.  But now, now, we were about to leave and nothing had really happened so if I wanted to stay I was going to have to tell her.  So I did, and no sooner than the words came out of my mouth she took off toward him.  UGH.  Knew it.

I literally had to jump over top of people to grab her arm so that she wouldn’t go talk to him.  And she was all, “But Gizzy, I was just going to tell him that we’re going to a different bar if he’d like to join.” OK, well I’m not a 5 year old, and if I wanted to invite him I would.  Yeah, he gave me some good signals when we were talking earlier, but I don’t know what his deal is, I don’t know if he’s interested so lets just fucking go.  

Now I had to pee but I’d pee my pants before I left her unsupervised in that bar.  So we walked down to the other bar, saw there was a line, decided to go back into the first bar, pee, and then just go home.  Betty and I went into the bathroom together and while we were in there I looked at my phone and had a text. 

From high school crush!

HSC: Hey! It’s HSC.  Are you at bar #2?

At this point I took a time out.  Filled Betty and her bf in on the text and asked if they’d be down to wingman at bar #2?  They said yes.

Me: Not yet, we’re still at bar #1, but we’re about to head there.  Do you want to come with us?

HSC: Yeah, where you at?

Me: By the bathrooms, come meet us!!

HSC: Ok, on my way!

We found each other, took a shot, and headed off to bar #2…

…To be continued Wednesday…

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December snowflakes.

Ah, anyone else still recovering from a gloriously stuffed Thanksgiving break?

I hung out with Buttons, Gizzy and co until late Monday night and flew back to this shit hole around midnight. Needless to say, I was tired and just ready to hop in my own bed…but I was dreading work on Tuesday.

Naturally, it was everyone’s duty on the first flight to piss me off. I kid you not the people behind me were singing. SINGING. Not songs I like, or Christmas Carols, or anything fun—just Christian/gospel music.

How is this okay?

I was attempting to read, which was difficult when I had Jesus songs trickling into my ear.

Geez, I sound like the Grinch. Which somehow brings me to my next topic—the Christmas season.

Last year, I felt like I simply went through the motions of Christmas, without really getting in the spirit. I think I was in the dumps over some loser guys, and it wasn’t until Christmas eve when I baked a delicious apple-cranberry pie that I really got in the spirit.

NOT THIS YEAR!

This year I am making it my mission to have the jolliest holiday you’ve ever seen. To get myself in the spirit, I have planned activities all month long; starting last night.

Last night, I went to my alma mater to watch them light their christmas tree. I did this every year as a student, and loved it, but haven’t done it in the 4 years since I graduated.

So after work, I marched…ok I drove…my happy ass to campus. This event starts with singing and dancing from local groups around campus, and even Santa himself reads The Night Before Christmas. Then, we walk as a giant group outside to the tree…where there was hot chocolate and cookies…and have a countdown for the lighting.

And you know what? It was fun!

Here are some of the other events I have planned for December:

  • Watch the lighting of the tree at Rockefeller Plaza (on TV), while I put up my own tree (TONIGHT)!
  • Participate in the office Secret Santa gift exchange
  • Write and mail Christmas cards to friends and family
  • Make a holiday CD for my car
  • Attend the office holiday brunch
  • Participate in Murder Mystery dinner
  • Bake dozens of peppermint cookies for my coworkers, friends, and family
  • Bake a special something to eat Christmas morning
  • Donate to the local food bank

Sound fun, or am I crazy? The cards and the decorating are things I do every year, but most of the other stuff, I don’t. And so far, I’m looking forward to it. I’ve even gotten a few presents and wrapped them already!

So tonight, I’ll be watching them light the big tree on television, while I put up and decorate my small one…and hang a wreath on my front door. Will anyone else be watching the show?

While I was visiting for Thanksgiving, I got an unexpected gift from Buttons and her mom: an advent calendar! It’s a tiny dresser with 25 drawers that they filled with fun stuff…starting December 1st, I’ll have a small gift to open every day! How is that to help me get in the holiday spirit?

I know the holidays can be a really happy time, but I also know it’s really easy to get down around Christmas, too. But this year, I’m kicking it into high gear! What are you doing to make this holiday season a fun one?

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Things I’m Thankful for on Our 2nd to Last Thanksgiving

With Thanksgiving just a week away most people are planning what dishes they are going to prepare for dinner next Thursday, planning where they’ll be spending this joyous holiday, who they’ll be spending it with, and maybe even what they’ll wear that will allow for an extra spoonful of stuffing, or 6.  

In years past, the week before Thanksgiving Lucky and I would’ve been on the phone together into the wee hours of the night complaining about how much it’s going to suck to be single for yet another coupley holiday.  This year is different though.  For once, we’re both content with being single and could care less if we were in a relationship or had a significant other to be thankful for.  Honestly, I’m thankful for myself.  That’s right, I’m thankful that I have the motivation to drag my pathetic single self (not my words, but the words of those around me who assume I am a cutter because I’m single) out of bed every morning to go to work.  

Which brings me to the next thing I’m thankful for:  Myself again.  I’m thankful that I have the willpower not to bitch slap my boss across the face every time she tells me to do something I’ve already done, so that I can keep my job and continue to bring home my poverty level salary.  I’m also thankful that my office decided to close at noon the day before Thanksgiving, also known as the first day I have taken off in a year.  Oh, I’m getting my half day back, I’m get.ting. it!

I’m thankful that someone important at work vetoed the idea of making a Thanksgiving tree that we cut out outlines of our hands and write 5 things we are thankful for on the fingers.  No I am not joking.  And no I do not work with children.

I’m thankful that I have the decency not to murder (whoopsie, forgot this is a family holiday) tie Anth to his bed in his sleep for not understanding that I bring home a poverty level salary and can’t afford things like maids, food, or underwear.  I’m thankful that after having the decency not to murder tie Anth to his bed in his sleep because he assumes I make more money than I actually do, I also have the common sense not to murder  tie him to his bed in his sleep for leaving crumbs on the kitchen counter and a sink full of dishes right before he leaves for a week and  a half.  

I’m thankful that there are enough crazies out there that think the world is actually going to end next December that I can be sarcastic with what I’m thankful for this year and save the real stuff for next year right before we’re all blown to smithereens.  I’m also thankful that those crazies inspired the movie 2012 because it’s really good, and I like it a lot.

I’m thankful that Zac Hanson kind of still has long hair 

And he still looks really good, and he’s wholesome.  Which means that at 12 years old I had better taste in men then I do now.

I’m thankful that I used protection the last time I had sex because having to feed a 10 month old baby before I could feed myself next week would really put a damper on my holiday spirit.

I’m thankful that solo cups aren’t see thru so that I can still get sloshed at Thanksgiving and no one will know since Grandma forbids drinking alcohol.

I’m thankful that there was an episode of Jeopardy last week that had a lot of fashion questions and now my roommates and their friends think that I’m really smart because I got them all right.

I’m thankful for my whirlpool bathtub, even though it takes 45 minutes to fill up and by the time it does I’m kind of over it, but those 2 minutes I actually sit in it are heaven.

I’m thankful for my vision so that I can look at hot guys like Alexander Skarsgard. I’m also thankful for Stelan Skarsgard for creating Alexander Skarsgard.

I’m thankful for these thingys that keep me from putting holes in my walls

I’m also thankful that they’re kind of fun to play with

I’m thankful for Forever 21 for having reasonably priced clothing, although their return policy blows donkey.  On the flip-side, I am not thankful for Bally’s Total Fitness/Bally’s Sports clubs for having 2 separate types of gyms and for not telling members that if you join total fitness you can’t go to the sports clubs locations even though you only want to use the treadmill and the location of the sports club is more convenient for you.

I’m thankful for my future puppy, Marshmallow Fluffy Butt, for being so cute

And um, I’m thankful for my family when they aren’t razzing me about not being married, my friends when they aren’t razzing me about not being married, our readers (always), and, uh, my health.  Lets eat bitchesssss.

 

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Kiss her Crass[ECards]

A few weeks ago Lucky and I had the idea to do a Q & A with our twitter friend, the absolutely hilarious, founder of the website CrassECards, and she agreed to do it! You’ve probably noticed we retweet her sayings more than we tweet our own thoughts, but what can ya do?  The girl is funny and we can always use more funny in our lives.  After reading through her answers to the questions we asked I want her to be my real life friend, which might be creepy, but I’m keeping it.   She sent her answers with the greeting, “Hey Vaginas!” which wins a top spot in my book everyday.  But, before we get into the good stuff, I’m not that smart and didn’t know what crass meant, so for those of you who are also not that smart, you’re welcome:

crass [kras] adjective, -er, est. 

Without refinement, delicacy, or sensitivity; gross; obtuse, stupid.

All of my favorite words, without further ado I present to you: an effing hilarious Q & A with the writer and founder of CrassECards 

CrassECards Website  CrassECards Twitter  CrassECards Facebook

Check it out or I WILL CUT YOU. 

1. How & when did you start CrassECards?

Prior to spending my days writing equal opportunity offending humor, I worked with and on behalf of elected representatives and non-profits that provided services to some of the San Francisco Bay Area’s most challenging neighborhoods. But when the economy went to pooh the resources that supported my work vanished so I had to figure out what to do with myself. For Christmas in ’09 I gifted myself the DVD 500 Days of Summer and when I got home I read the jacket on the back of it and the first sentence said Joseph Gordon Levitt ‘s character was a greeting card writer and I immediately thought, “hey I could do that.”  Instead of watching the movie that night I sat down and started writing cards. The problem was they all came out kind incredibly sarcastic. So I gave up my dream of Hallmark discovering me, a dream that had only begun about 15 minutes earlier, and decided to start Crass. I launched this current version in March of this year. 

 2. Do you have a favorite card (or two)?

Picking a favorite card is like trying to decide which boob you like better. Actually it’s not like that at all.  My left boob is slightly bigger and, unlike my right one, knows going nipple gets a girl a free round. That being unnecessarily said I’ve written more than 2,000 jokes for 50 different occasions but I’d say these are a few of my favorite:

GOOD LUCK: Good luck on your date.

          Here’s hoping it doesn’t end in rape

ENCOURAGEMENT: I wish I could lift your spirits

          But not only are you a loser, your spirit weighs like athousand pounds

FRIEND: You’re like a sister to me

           My fat, suicidal sister that calls too much

 3. By the sayings on your cards, we assume you’re hilarious—does that humor come across in person?

You know what happens when you assume, you make an ass out of yourself and it bugs the hell out of me. That’s how that saying goes, right? ONLY KIDDING! If you were to ask a few of my friends I think funny would probably be one of the first three adjectives they’d use to describe me.  

4. How does your honest sarcasm fair in dating? Will you ever find someone as funny as you?

Is it that obvious that I’m single? I don’t actually walk around hating everybody, as my cards suggest. I love dark beer and watching sports AND I have very little hair on my body so I think guys get the best of both worlds. PLUS I’ve got that slightly larger left boob going for me so guys are busy concentrating on that. To my knowledge, sarcasm has never been an issue.

 5. Are any (or all) of the cards based from real life situations?

The Mother’s Day e-cards are the only ones based on any one in my life. Read those and then you’ll understand why I’m a cutter.

 6. Are there any subjects you just won’t touch?

Nope. I don’t write cards for the sake of being mean or degrading they’re really all just jokes. If someone finds something offensive I recommend they check out another card category and laugh at someone else’s expense. Muslims, Jews, the Chinese, Mexicans, African Americans, the United States of America and Uz Beki Beki Stan Stan…everybody gets it. 

7. Are you a solo act or do you have equally hilarious friends helping you come up with card ideas?

I try to surround myself with people who work for companies that have perks like “employee discounts” and those people aren’t usually the comedic types so I write Crass jokes all by myself. I do, however, encourage Crass’ users to submit their “Daily Crass,” which is just a relatable daily rant about something, so I can post it on the homepage for the world to enjoy. I also have a section called “User Cards” where people can write as many cards as they want, select the occasion and I’ll upload them onto the site.

 8. Do you ever get messages from crazy fans/followers with card ideas? If so, what’s the craziest you’ve gotten so far?

I’ve received a handful or so of some really bad jokes but it’s all good in the hood. It makes me feel like people are paying attention and want to get in on the Crassiness so that’s awesome. 

 9. Do you ever get e-card writers block and how do you work through it to bring the funny out?

When I get writer’s block I usually get naked and look at myself in the mirror. A million negative thoughts flood my mind and at that point it’s just about figuring out how to work them into a joke about Kwanzaa or Bastille Day or something.

10. What is your ultimate goal in creating these e-cards?

I would really love for millions of people to visit Crass everyday and buy Crass t-shirts and phone apps and printed cards all because they think it’s super funny and a great site to go to and just waste a good hour, hour and half reading a thousand funny one-liners. Oh and I want CBS to develop a show called Sh#! My E-Cards Say.

 11. Do you have any celebrity followers that have retweeted your e-cards?  Who would you most like to see your e-cards and retweet them?

I’d LOOVE for a celebrity to follow me re-tweet an e-card. But what I’d love even more is for one of them to become my partner or co-founder. I imagine changing the name of the site to “From the writer of 40 Year-old Virgin and Knocked Up…CrassECards”  or “Tyler Perry Presents…CrassECards.” I’d also be willing to change Crass to “Krass” to get Mama Kardashian interested and then I could get a 2-hour special on E.  I also think it’s a perfect fit for Bethenny Frankel of Bravo fame.  I’ve already got the stick figure mascot (which can be replaced with your Facebook profile picture) so all we’d have to do is change it to “Skinny Crass.” (Editors Note:  Would Kelsey Grammer Presents…CrassECards work?  He follows us on twitter, we’ve got the hookup.)

 12. Any final thoughts that we can all take away to live life more like a funny e-card?

On Crass when you “Click Here” to see the punch line of an e-card sarcastic confetti also appears so I’d suggest walking around with confetti in your back pocket and throwing it out whenever you make fun of some one to their face. They’ll be distracted by the pretty colors and you’ll get a head start as you run away.

And there you have it.  CrassECards also donates 75% of all revenue generated to non-profit organizations.  She’s funny and helps the world.  Stop being a debbie downer, do your part, and go click some links so she can help save starving children and drug addicts.

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