Tag Archives: holidays

December snowflakes.

Ah, anyone else still recovering from a gloriously stuffed Thanksgiving break?

I hung out with Buttons, Gizzy and co until late Monday night and flew back to this shit hole around midnight. Needless to say, I was tired and just ready to hop in my own bed…but I was dreading work on Tuesday.

Naturally, it was everyone’s duty on the first flight to piss me off. I kid you not the people behind me were singing. SINGING. Not songs I like, or Christmas Carols, or anything fun—just Christian/gospel music.

How is this okay?

I was attempting to read, which was difficult when I had Jesus songs trickling into my ear.

Geez, I sound like the Grinch. Which somehow brings me to my next topic—the Christmas season.

Last year, I felt like I simply went through the motions of Christmas, without really getting in the spirit. I think I was in the dumps over some loser guys, and it wasn’t until Christmas eve when I baked a delicious apple-cranberry pie that I really got in the spirit.


This year I am making it my mission to have the jolliest holiday you’ve ever seen. To get myself in the spirit, I have planned activities all month long; starting last night.

Last night, I went to my alma mater to watch them light their christmas tree. I did this every year as a student, and loved it, but haven’t done it in the 4 years since I graduated.

So after work, I marched…ok I drove…my happy ass to campus. This event starts with singing and dancing from local groups around campus, and even Santa himself reads The Night Before Christmas. Then, we walk as a giant group outside to the tree…where there was hot chocolate and cookies…and have a countdown for the lighting.

And you know what? It was fun!

Here are some of the other events I have planned for December:

  • Watch the lighting of the tree at Rockefeller Plaza (on TV), while I put up my own tree (TONIGHT)!
  • Participate in the office Secret Santa gift exchange
  • Write and mail Christmas cards to friends and family
  • Make a holiday CD for my car
  • Attend the office holiday brunch
  • Participate in Murder Mystery dinner
  • Bake dozens of peppermint cookies for my coworkers, friends, and family
  • Bake a special something to eat Christmas morning
  • Donate to the local food bank

Sound fun, or am I crazy? The cards and the decorating are things I do every year, but most of the other stuff, I don’t. And so far, I’m looking forward to it. I’ve even gotten a few presents and wrapped them already!

So tonight, I’ll be watching them light the big tree on television, while I put up and decorate my small one…and hang a wreath on my front door. Will anyone else be watching the show?

While I was visiting for Thanksgiving, I got an unexpected gift from Buttons and her mom: an advent calendar! It’s a tiny dresser with 25 drawers that they filled with fun stuff…starting December 1st, I’ll have a small gift to open every day! How is that to help me get in the holiday spirit?

I know the holidays can be a really happy time, but I also know it’s really easy to get down around Christmas, too. But this year, I’m kicking it into high gear! What are you doing to make this holiday season a fun one?

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Things I’m Thankful for on Our 2nd to Last Thanksgiving

With Thanksgiving just a week away most people are planning what dishes they are going to prepare for dinner next Thursday, planning where they’ll be spending this joyous holiday, who they’ll be spending it with, and maybe even what they’ll wear that will allow for an extra spoonful of stuffing, or 6.  

In years past, the week before Thanksgiving Lucky and I would’ve been on the phone together into the wee hours of the night complaining about how much it’s going to suck to be single for yet another coupley holiday.  This year is different though.  For once, we’re both content with being single and could care less if we were in a relationship or had a significant other to be thankful for.  Honestly, I’m thankful for myself.  That’s right, I’m thankful that I have the motivation to drag my pathetic single self (not my words, but the words of those around me who assume I am a cutter because I’m single) out of bed every morning to go to work.  

Which brings me to the next thing I’m thankful for:  Myself again.  I’m thankful that I have the willpower not to bitch slap my boss across the face every time she tells me to do something I’ve already done, so that I can keep my job and continue to bring home my poverty level salary.  I’m also thankful that my office decided to close at noon the day before Thanksgiving, also known as the first day I have taken off in a year.  Oh, I’m getting my half day back, I’m get.ting. it!

I’m thankful that someone important at work vetoed the idea of making a Thanksgiving tree that we cut out outlines of our hands and write 5 things we are thankful for on the fingers.  No I am not joking.  And no I do not work with children.

I’m thankful that I have the decency not to murder (whoopsie, forgot this is a family holiday) tie Anth to his bed in his sleep for not understanding that I bring home a poverty level salary and can’t afford things like maids, food, or underwear.  I’m thankful that after having the decency not to murder tie Anth to his bed in his sleep because he assumes I make more money than I actually do, I also have the common sense not to murder  tie him to his bed in his sleep for leaving crumbs on the kitchen counter and a sink full of dishes right before he leaves for a week and  a half.  

I’m thankful that there are enough crazies out there that think the world is actually going to end next December that I can be sarcastic with what I’m thankful for this year and save the real stuff for next year right before we’re all blown to smithereens.  I’m also thankful that those crazies inspired the movie 2012 because it’s really good, and I like it a lot.

I’m thankful that Zac Hanson kind of still has long hair 

And he still looks really good, and he’s wholesome.  Which means that at 12 years old I had better taste in men then I do now.

I’m thankful that I used protection the last time I had sex because having to feed a 10 month old baby before I could feed myself next week would really put a damper on my holiday spirit.

I’m thankful that solo cups aren’t see thru so that I can still get sloshed at Thanksgiving and no one will know since Grandma forbids drinking alcohol.

I’m thankful that there was an episode of Jeopardy last week that had a lot of fashion questions and now my roommates and their friends think that I’m really smart because I got them all right.

I’m thankful for my whirlpool bathtub, even though it takes 45 minutes to fill up and by the time it does I’m kind of over it, but those 2 minutes I actually sit in it are heaven.

I’m thankful for my vision so that I can look at hot guys like Alexander Skarsgard. I’m also thankful for Stelan Skarsgard for creating Alexander Skarsgard.

I’m thankful for these thingys that keep me from putting holes in my walls

I’m also thankful that they’re kind of fun to play with

I’m thankful for Forever 21 for having reasonably priced clothing, although their return policy blows donkey.  On the flip-side, I am not thankful for Bally’s Total Fitness/Bally’s Sports clubs for having 2 separate types of gyms and for not telling members that if you join total fitness you can’t go to the sports clubs locations even though you only want to use the treadmill and the location of the sports club is more convenient for you.

I’m thankful for my future puppy, Marshmallow Fluffy Butt, for being so cute

And um, I’m thankful for my family when they aren’t razzing me about not being married, my friends when they aren’t razzing me about not being married, our readers (always), and, uh, my health.  Lets eat bitchesssss.


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Kiss her Crass[ECards]

A few weeks ago Lucky and I had the idea to do a Q & A with our twitter friend, the absolutely hilarious, founder of the website CrassECards, and she agreed to do it! You’ve probably noticed we retweet her sayings more than we tweet our own thoughts, but what can ya do?  The girl is funny and we can always use more funny in our lives.  After reading through her answers to the questions we asked I want her to be my real life friend, which might be creepy, but I’m keeping it.   She sent her answers with the greeting, “Hey Vaginas!” which wins a top spot in my book everyday.  But, before we get into the good stuff, I’m not that smart and didn’t know what crass meant, so for those of you who are also not that smart, you’re welcome:

crass [kras] adjective, -er, est. 

Without refinement, delicacy, or sensitivity; gross; obtuse, stupid.

All of my favorite words, without further ado I present to you: an effing hilarious Q & A with the writer and founder of CrassECards 

CrassECards Website  CrassECards Twitter  CrassECards Facebook

Check it out or I WILL CUT YOU. 

1. How & when did you start CrassECards?

Prior to spending my days writing equal opportunity offending humor, I worked with and on behalf of elected representatives and non-profits that provided services to some of the San Francisco Bay Area’s most challenging neighborhoods. But when the economy went to pooh the resources that supported my work vanished so I had to figure out what to do with myself. For Christmas in ’09 I gifted myself the DVD 500 Days of Summer and when I got home I read the jacket on the back of it and the first sentence said Joseph Gordon Levitt ‘s character was a greeting card writer and I immediately thought, “hey I could do that.”  Instead of watching the movie that night I sat down and started writing cards. The problem was they all came out kind incredibly sarcastic. So I gave up my dream of Hallmark discovering me, a dream that had only begun about 15 minutes earlier, and decided to start Crass. I launched this current version in March of this year. 

 2. Do you have a favorite card (or two)?

Picking a favorite card is like trying to decide which boob you like better. Actually it’s not like that at all.  My left boob is slightly bigger and, unlike my right one, knows going nipple gets a girl a free round. That being unnecessarily said I’ve written more than 2,000 jokes for 50 different occasions but I’d say these are a few of my favorite:

GOOD LUCK: Good luck on your date.

          Here’s hoping it doesn’t end in rape

ENCOURAGEMENT: I wish I could lift your spirits

          But not only are you a loser, your spirit weighs like athousand pounds

FRIEND: You’re like a sister to me

           My fat, suicidal sister that calls too much

 3. By the sayings on your cards, we assume you’re hilarious—does that humor come across in person?

You know what happens when you assume, you make an ass out of yourself and it bugs the hell out of me. That’s how that saying goes, right? ONLY KIDDING! If you were to ask a few of my friends I think funny would probably be one of the first three adjectives they’d use to describe me.  

4. How does your honest sarcasm fair in dating? Will you ever find someone as funny as you?

Is it that obvious that I’m single? I don’t actually walk around hating everybody, as my cards suggest. I love dark beer and watching sports AND I have very little hair on my body so I think guys get the best of both worlds. PLUS I’ve got that slightly larger left boob going for me so guys are busy concentrating on that. To my knowledge, sarcasm has never been an issue.

 5. Are any (or all) of the cards based from real life situations?

The Mother’s Day e-cards are the only ones based on any one in my life. Read those and then you’ll understand why I’m a cutter.

 6. Are there any subjects you just won’t touch?

Nope. I don’t write cards for the sake of being mean or degrading they’re really all just jokes. If someone finds something offensive I recommend they check out another card category and laugh at someone else’s expense. Muslims, Jews, the Chinese, Mexicans, African Americans, the United States of America and Uz Beki Beki Stan Stan…everybody gets it. 

7. Are you a solo act or do you have equally hilarious friends helping you come up with card ideas?

I try to surround myself with people who work for companies that have perks like “employee discounts” and those people aren’t usually the comedic types so I write Crass jokes all by myself. I do, however, encourage Crass’ users to submit their “Daily Crass,” which is just a relatable daily rant about something, so I can post it on the homepage for the world to enjoy. I also have a section called “User Cards” where people can write as many cards as they want, select the occasion and I’ll upload them onto the site.

 8. Do you ever get messages from crazy fans/followers with card ideas? If so, what’s the craziest you’ve gotten so far?

I’ve received a handful or so of some really bad jokes but it’s all good in the hood. It makes me feel like people are paying attention and want to get in on the Crassiness so that’s awesome. 

 9. Do you ever get e-card writers block and how do you work through it to bring the funny out?

When I get writer’s block I usually get naked and look at myself in the mirror. A million negative thoughts flood my mind and at that point it’s just about figuring out how to work them into a joke about Kwanzaa or Bastille Day or something.

10. What is your ultimate goal in creating these e-cards?

I would really love for millions of people to visit Crass everyday and buy Crass t-shirts and phone apps and printed cards all because they think it’s super funny and a great site to go to and just waste a good hour, hour and half reading a thousand funny one-liners. Oh and I want CBS to develop a show called Sh#! My E-Cards Say.

 11. Do you have any celebrity followers that have retweeted your e-cards?  Who would you most like to see your e-cards and retweet them?

I’d LOOVE for a celebrity to follow me re-tweet an e-card. But what I’d love even more is for one of them to become my partner or co-founder. I imagine changing the name of the site to “From the writer of 40 Year-old Virgin and Knocked Up…CrassECards”  or “Tyler Perry Presents…CrassECards.” I’d also be willing to change Crass to “Krass” to get Mama Kardashian interested and then I could get a 2-hour special on E.  I also think it’s a perfect fit for Bethenny Frankel of Bravo fame.  I’ve already got the stick figure mascot (which can be replaced with your Facebook profile picture) so all we’d have to do is change it to “Skinny Crass.” (Editors Note:  Would Kelsey Grammer Presents…CrassECards work?  He follows us on twitter, we’ve got the hookup.)

 12. Any final thoughts that we can all take away to live life more like a funny e-card?

On Crass when you “Click Here” to see the punch line of an e-card sarcastic confetti also appears so I’d suggest walking around with confetti in your back pocket and throwing it out whenever you make fun of some one to their face. They’ll be distracted by the pretty colors and you’ll get a head start as you run away.

And there you have it.  CrassECards also donates 75% of all revenue generated to non-profit organizations.  She’s funny and helps the world.  Stop being a debbie downer, do your part, and go click some links so she can help save starving children and drug addicts.

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The Rhyming Big City Adventures of Gizzy and Lucky

A poem to re-hash our weekend in the big city, full stories to come later:

Twas the night before Lucky’s birthday when she was set to arrive

Airline complications occurred and she wished she could drive

For she was stuck, overnight, in a land called Texas

Lucky for her she met a chap at a bar who drove a pretty sweet Lexus

With only the clothes on her back, the day of her birth she arrived

For she had made it, thank god she survived

It was time to drink, beer one, beer two, not yet

For Lucky’s bag was still on the jet

A second trip to the airport started the day off right

We found Lucky’s bag, it had made the flight

Back to the apartment we went

Where we found an underage gent

“Take a shot, take a shot” he spattered

With all these young boys, we were sure to get flattered

We drank the day old, then washed our hair up right

For it was time to hit the town for the night

We had an occasion to celebrate, our dear friend Lucky

There was no way this night could be sucky

Off to dinner we went, a sushi place, our fave

Get Lucky a birthday cake, that there, the chocolate wave

Dinner was good, now to concoct phase II in our head

I know! Let’s paint the town red

To bar 1 we went, the drinks were ordered, the atmosphere was set

Too bad there were no boys around to make us wet (ehhh…sorry, there was 1 but he didn’t rhyme)

Bar 2, on Gizzy, on Lucky, on Cabby, and fro

Keep these drinks flowing so we can act like a ho

Danced the night away we sure did

At Bar 3 we met a man dressed as a kid

His name was Danny, and a billionaire he claimed to be

Then he fell, taking the table down, and banging his knee

We felt good, just enough beers to blur the lights

Lets head back to my place and start some fights

To my apartment we went, not sure what we’d find

We walked in and saw a guy’s behind

Someone’s in my bed, who could it be?

An old friend, wake up, come play mouse trap with me

Continue drinking we did as we set up the game

And heard stories that would surely ashame

One last surprise before we call it a night

A birthday cake, 26 candles gleaming with light

There were just enough people to sing her a song

Blew out the candles Lucky did and wished for a dong

Off to bed we go, an early day it will be

We have lots of new attractions and boys to see!

Day 2 began with a flutter

Thank god the smell of alcohol didn’t make us shutter

We left for a ball game, who would win, we don’t know!

As it was just our luck, today the cab business was slow

We walked, and walked, and finally got a ride

We arrived at the game gleaming with pride

Looked around we did, for a scalper with tickets

It was not our day, all we heard were crickets

Back in the cab we went, onward to a festival we go!

We were ready to see the beer flow

The beers were all drank, the food was all eaten

Next up, to the sub-way, lets hope we don’t get beaten

Onward we marched on the way to the train, where we found a small pub

We walked in and what did we see? Girls, with boobies and flub

A beer and a shot we had

Until we decided it was time to return to my pad

To my abode we arrived

To find nothing, but a bunch of guys who were deprived

They begged us to drink, so drink we did

Until we got drunk

And along came a punk

Bill was his name

Football was his fame

But, he was a douche and lame

Next it was time for a roast

The groom to be, step up, he thought it was a toast

We all said our piece, and the boom boom started

It’s not what you think, no one farted

For they were fireworks, right there

We got lucky none landed in our hair

We all watched in amazement, for they were the best fireworks ever!

Well, that’s done, on to the next endeavor

On to the bars we go

We still haven’t acted like a ho

All dolled up we got

We looked damn hot

Down the stairs we went

To find nothing, but a guy with a weird accent

We had been left, oh well, these fools won’t ruin our fun

We were still going out, in our mind we won

At the bar we sat with our drinks in hand

When along came a girl, she wanted to be our frand (Um, I know… I’m lame)

Her name was Miranda and we loved all the shots she bought us

If we had only knew, her boyfriend would make a fuss

We closed down the bar and trotted home

Passed out in bed and silenced the phone

In the morning we awoke ready to start the day

We gathered our things and were off to play

We arrived at the beach to celebrate the USA

We drank some more, fought with some kids, and peed on the beach, hey hey!

The day was over and it was time for the fireworks

We walked and walked until we arrived, we sat down with our drinks and put on a smirk

We watched the fireworks in awe

Then trampled inside hoping not to fall

We got some dinner, some wine, and we on our way

We arrived back home, for Lucky was ready to lay

The next morning arrived and some sad pups we were

It was Lucky’s last day, I sure would miss her

We went to the carnival and rode some rides

We were quite proud, this weekend we made great strides

Off to the airport we went, to tell Lucky goodbye

She hopped on her plane, she was ready to fly…




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I’ll kill it. I will.

I don’t know where to start.   There’s 4 things on today’s agenda:

1. I got in trouble at work

2. I got in a fight with Anth

3. I dumped HOTTIE and shoved a fork in his eye.

4. I live with a snake.

But not in that order.  Although that order would make more sense then the order in which it all actually went down.

It all started a few weeks ago before I got the plague and was deemed terminally ill.  I was going home for the weekend for some good old TLC when I decided to stop and have dinner with HOTTIE on my way through.  All was good in the hood until a text popped up on his iphone.  (Iphones.  Blast!) It read:

Text Message WHORE #2

I know that since you’re all up to speed on your outdated Cocktails At Tiffany’s characters you’re sitting there thinking, “Wait a tick, WHORE #2 is a whore of Snoop-Linus.” And with those thoughts you would be correct.  Which is why I was instantly infuriated.  Not only was HOTTIE FULLY aware of my man hating trust issues, he also knew every last detail of what went down with Snoop and all of the whores, #2 included.  So imagine my surprise when I see her name pop up on his phone.  No, I didn’t grab the phone and speed off to the bathroom to analyze every text and then smash it like I wanted to.  I simply said:

“What the fuck is this shit?” (Now mind you, I normally don’t cuss when I am fighting with someone face to face because I think it’s tacky/trashy and we know I’m all about the CLASS.  So I was pretty much as pissed as a Gizzy can get.)

To which he said, “Oh what, WHORE #2? She’s cool, she’s my friend.  She probably wants to party tonight or something.”

Which left me with one choice.  To stand up and stab him in the face with a fork.   Kidding kidding.  Even though I totes wanted to.  But I did make a scene by standing up and throwing my napkin on the table and screaming, “FUCK THIS AND FUCK YOU!” And then I stormed out of the restaurant and realized my car was parked like 2 miles away.  I walked, because I’ll be damned if I was going back in there to look weak and say, “Umm hey, can you take me to my car?” Which is what he totally expected because it took him 2 weeks to call me and apologize.  But he did call.  Sunday – just in time for Valentines Day.

The conversation went down pretty much how you would expect.  He apologized for being the biggest douche on the face of the Earth and I told him an apology didn’t mean jack shit 2 weeks later and he could go live it up on drug island with WHORE #2.  He claimed she’s just a friend, I claimed she’s just a whore. He asked to see me again, I asked where he got the ring so that I could kindly return it, and he hung up on me.  HE hung up on ME.  Yeah wtf, that’s some BULL-shit!

So here I am back to square 1.  Anth feeling ever so sorry for me because I picked another winner and had a crying fit Monday morning when I realized one of our roommates has a boa constrictor living in his room,  (Which I am totes NOT ok with.  Anth claims he told me, which he absolutely did not.  It’s cool though, if I ever see the thing I’m going to kill it, which is what I told him. Don’t go all PETA on me, because I don’t care.  If it ever gets out of it’s cage, it’s dead.  End of story, there is no purpose for a snake in the city and I’m not going to get choked out in the middle of the night and served for dinner because this guy needs to feel like a “man” and own a snake.  No!) offered to take me out for Valentines Day on Monday so I got all ready, I even curled my hair and put on perfume, and then he stood me up.  Some words were exchanged, I went out to dinner with an ex out of spite (like Anth cares), went to work yesterday with what might be the biggest hangover of my adult career and got in trouble.

Here’s the thing, when I was hired and numerous times after that, my boss explained that we have “flex time.”  So we are allowed to come in anywhere between 7:30 and 10 and have to stay 7.5 hours then we can go home.  Last time I checked 9:30 was within those hours but yesterday I got in trouble for being late.  My boss said, “Next time call and let me know.”  I said OK, but lady – after what time do you consider me late? Because I’m pretty sure I was on time.  IDK.  I can’t take these old people.  They’re all senile.

So in case you were wondering Anth came home from work tonight and we played Jeopardy like it ain’t no thang.  However, I did find a pair of my shoes in the oven – so I’m not really sure what happened on Valentines Day while I was gone.

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Murry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone!!!  Lucky and I wish you all the best on this joyous day!


I’m a tool.

I hope everyone gets what they want this year… I was all about putting the picture of me and Hanson in the snow from 8th grade on here for your viewing/laughing pleasure but I can’t find it, so you’ll just have to settle for my warm wishes and a cheap promise that I’ll try to find the picture by the end of the year to post.

Have a great day! And please email/comment to us with your craziest holiday stories from this year, it’ll make our Christmas bright!  Ok… enough time to bring in Christmas with this Christmas Monkey, who is obviously drunk.  Toot-a-loo!

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(Platonic) Date Night

As of 11:24 pm on December 20th Neal Bledsoe has not accepted my facebook friend request.

SEE! Awaiting friend confirmation. I’m kind of getting pissed off.  But anyway…

A texting conversation between Lucky and I yesterday afternoon that sums this post up in a nutshell:

Lucky: How the eff did you get fecal matter in your eye?

Me: God, I hope that saying isn’t true.  But I have no idea.  I did some sketchy things this weekend so I guess that’s what I get.

So, the million dollar question is how did I get pink eye? Thanks to Knocked Up we all know that you get pink eye from someone farting on your pillow.  Which absolutely could have happened this weekend.  Here’s the part in the movie when the camera zooms in on my glazed puffy eye and rewinds through the entire weekend and starts to play when I am getting out of my car at Anthony’s apartment in the big city Thursday night.

(Side Note: How I Met Your Mother is my new favorite show, LOVE IT! It’s on right now.  I am happy.)

I had my 3rd and final interview at XX University Friday afternoon.  Fingers crossed everybody, I may have gotten a job on my own!  So I did all that crap and Anthony and I decided to have a platonic date night, cause we’re just bff’s ya’ll.  We went to a nice steak dinner, drank 6 bottles of wine, gave a homeless guy $50/Anth’s gym membership card after having an entire conversation with him making him swear that he would take the $50 to a strip club and make it rain, made questionably positioned snow angels on Anth’s rooftop deck, threw snowballs at people off the rooftop deck, threw beer bottles off the rooftop deck, had a weird dance party, and awkwardly passed out on the floor: me in the kitchen doorway and Anth under the coffee table.  That’s exactly how I remember Friday night, too.  For it was a celebracion for my maybe new job. :/

Around 8 am Saturday morning we woke up (because when you pass out like a drunken fool at 11pm it’s easy to wake up early), looked for some apartments online, and actually found one.  I called the guy up and we had a nice little chitty chat about his condo for rent.  The pictures were nice, like real nice, and the rent was cheap, like real cheap (not really, but about as cheap as you can get in the city without having bars on your windows and trannys in your hallway.) Because he only needs someone to sublease it for 8 months while he is in India on business.  HOKAY mon, I’m your girl! But, as always, there was a catch.  I had to interview with the association board and the association board is a bunch of old corporate lawyers and snobby housewives.  The owner liked my style and gave me a few hints, “Tell them you love to work and that you just got married, they love newlyweds.”  UHM.  Both untrue.  But lucky for me I had a hungover Anth in tow to be my faux hubby.

Like any other Gizzy-Anth outting we had to drink before we went to the interview that evening.  Like all day.  The plan was to go have a few bloody mary’s to get rid of our hangovers/get our levels right so we could chat it up about our new marriage and make it believable.  Which turned into a whole day of fun.  On our way to the interview we came up with the brilliant plan to really play the part and stopped for this little gem:

Apparently drunk+association board interview=engagement ring.  Ok, not really… it was $4.88 at Forever 21 but it tricked the board and my mom.  I thought we really impressed everyone when we entered the building with our arms linked singing, “Hi Ho Hi Ho off to work we go ba dum dum dum dum dum dum hi ho hi ho hi hoooooooo!!!!” And we even did a little musical stance at the end of the song like we were on Broadway, which was really me standing arms in the air with the gayest smile ever plastered on my face and Anth trying his damnedest to get traction on the marble floor, because alas we were doing all of this in the snow.  I am completely serious.  It’s a shame Anth and I are sexually repulsed by each other, we make a great team and would be pretty much the coolest couple ever, but the thought of having sex with him makes me want to strap down my boobs and sew up my vagina.

I was pretty shocked at the questions the association board asked, I guess when it comes to people’s lively hood nothing is off limits.  They asked us about children, pets, drug use, our careers, education, alcohol use, the stability of our relationship and the relationships with our family, hospital visits, and jail visits among other things.  We were drunk so of course we answered the questions like jack-tards and told them he likes to beat me but only when he’s high on crack, then I curtseyed when we left and literally dove into the  backseat of a cab and yelled, “Onward march!” Ok yeah, I’m a little embarrassed now.  But, they totally loved us.

Or at least I thought they loved us and knew we were joking until I got this Christmas treat in my inbox this afternoon:


I received this from the association board this afternoon.  Sorry, good luck on the rest of your search.



Dear Mr. T,

We the board acknowledge your efforts to lease your apartment for the duration of your extended stay overseas.  However, we ask that you take careful consideration of the candidates you select to bring to the board as possible tenants, and how they will interact with the lifestyle and temperaments of the building’s current tenants.

Your most recent candidate selection of Mr. A and Ms. G has alerted our attention that you may not be taking the tenant selection process as seriously as once promised.

We uphold the highest standards of elegance and class here at A Lot of Nuns House and prefer to have tenants who can not only respect the association board and our policies, but also the other building tenants, their privacy, and right to a peaceful place to live.  Because of these reasons and after careful evaluation, the board has elected to deny tenancy to Mr. A and Ms. G, as we feel they would be better suited elsewhere.

We wish you the best of luck in your selection process and look forward to meeting with future tenant candidates that you wish to proceed with for further evaluation.


A Lot of Nuns House Association Board


Hrmmph…Sorry for partying.

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