Tag Archives: I am a single loser

Cleanse…my soul?

Hey all!!!!!

Today is day 1 of my 10-day Advocare cleanse.

I feel like Advocare is a pretty popular cleanse choice, but don’t worry if you don’t know what it is… I’ll explain.

Basically, it’s a 10-day cleanse that consists of Advocare fiber drinks in the morning, and herbal supplements before bed. In between, I’m supposed to drink 4 liters of water, and eat anything that does NOT involve salt, sugar, white flour, starch, red meat, caffeine, alcohol, or dairy… or anything processed.

Yeah.

I did a similar cleanse a few years ago, and while it’s tough in the beginning, you feel GREAT afterward. Since you are ridding your body of toxins, by the end of the cleanse, you are relying on nothing but good things, so I found I slept really well, and my body woke up on it’s natural clock.

Aside from that, you lose a few pounds, but you feel so light and airy.

It’s kind of amazing.

The annoying thing about the cleanse is the preparation—you have to make everything from scratch so you can ensure there is no salt, sugar, etc. in it, so it takes awhile. Advocare recommends you prep ALL of your meals ahead of time, so you don’t get frustrated and run to the nearest fast food joint.

Smart.

So, I spent yesterday binge eating and drinking, while preparing all of my foods for the week. I made grilled chicken skewers (with veggies), brown rice, cleanse-friendly turkey & bean chili, hard-boiled eggs, plain oatmeal, and hummus. I even chopped, and bagged, all of my veggies to eat with the hummus.

So far, I’ve already drank about half the water I’m supposed to (I went to the gym this morning, so that helped), I had the fiber drink (disgusting) and I ate my breakfast (1 serving of oats, small serving of raw almonds, 1 serving of mixed berries) and I’m enjoying a cup of caffeine free apple cinnamon tea.

…So far so good… we’ll see if that continues.

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Wait for a Minute.

Anyone heard Justin Bieber’s new song, feat. Tyga, “Wait for a Minute”? …Because it is AWESOME.

Between hearing that on Friday and seeing The Biebs walk with Maywether to the ring, my love for Bieber has been rekindled. Not that it was on the rocks or anything.

BULGeRzIgAAvreF.jpg-large

Alright, enough of the bullshit, it’s time I come clean about me and this trainer. Here is what you need to know. His name is CR and he is a professional fighter and he’s really, really hot.

I want to post a picture of his naked body for you; but he has many distinctive tattoos that would give him away. After all, he was on a reality TV show last year.

When he started training at my gym, I was still dating D. I took a few of his classes, but honestly didn’t think much of it.

And then when D and I broke up, I thought he was cute. Then I thought he was kinda hot. Then I thought he was sexy as hell.

You know how it is.

At the gym, he would always talk to Marcy, but not me, so I thought maybe he was into her. Then one day he asked me why I never took his class.

“I do,” I said.

And that was that.

Then around mid-August, we added each other on Facebook.

That’s also the same time I discovered he was engaged.

A few days later, at the gym, I told him he was a pussy—really just kidding around. He told me I would pay for it during my next workout.

And he kicked. My. Ass.

“This is all your fault,” he said.

The next day, he sent me a message on Facebook saying he hoped I wasn’t sore…

Two days later, we had phone sex.

We started sending nasty sexts to each other—(in no order):

CR: That ass will be in my hands pulling down

ME: I want to get on top so you can touch

CR: I have my hands on that ass while you wrap ya legs around me against the wall

…Since then, we’ve sent nearly 8,000 messages to each other, including pictures, and we’ve had sex a handful (pun intended) of times.

I know, you’re probably ready to throw your computer or mobile device out the window right now, saying: LUCKY!!!! WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?! HAVEN’T YOU BEEN HERE BEFORE?? YOU’RE INVITING BAD KARMA YOUR WAY…

Yes, yes I know.

I don’t have answers for you.

The only thing I can say is that I’m blaming it on D. I just couldn’t have him be the last person I slept with.

And although CR is engaged AND living with his fiancee, I can say without a doubt, he is THE hottest guy I’ve ever fucked, and it’s some of the best sex I’ve ever had.

That’s nothing to feel bad over, right?

I don’t feel an emotional attachment like I did when I was sleeping with the married guy…which is good.

I hate to say it, but I feel pretty bitter about men these days, so it doesn’t surprise me that CR is willing to cheat on his gorgeous-pharmacist of a fiancee. Because he’s a guy and that’s what guys do, right?

So, if he’s going to cheat, it may as well be with me.

Let the haters, hate.

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Let me elaborate.

After I found out D was cheating on me, I was upset for about a day. Then, about a week later, I found out he got dumped.

This made me feel better. It even made me laugh a little.

About a week after that, I found out he got fired from his job.

For stealing cash.

This made me dance in the middle of the grocery store.

Later, when I told this story to one of my guy friends, he told me that was mean of me, and that I shouldn’t wish ill on someone.

Let me set the record straight. I never wished ill upon him, I was merely celebrating the fact that justice had been served.

Although I now know that Karma is a real thing, finding out that not only was my ex cheating on me, but he was also stealing money the entire time…makes me wonder about the kind of person I am.

How did I have clearly NO idea who this person was? We practically lived together and little did I know he was living like 3 lives.

Since all of this went down, I’ve been getting several calls from blocked numbers…could it be D?

I have no idea.

I hate to admit it, but all of this really has me questioning relationships in general. I feel like the more I date, the more clueless I become.

I spoke to my therapist about this, and he told me it was okay to feel this way. He said it was understandable that I’m feeling guarded and even a little bit bitter.

According to Lopez, when I find the one, he’s going to be the one even if I’m guarded, and even if it takes me 6 months to come around.

This thought comforts me. Tremendously.

Thoughts?

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I signed up for Match.com

After weeks of consideration, I made a profile on Match.com.

I know it’s really soon after my relationship with D, but I feel like getting out there, meeting new people, and going on dates will be good for me.

I don’t know if any of you are familiar with Match, but there’s a few steps you can take before you have to pay/subscribe.

So I filled out some of a profile, added a few photos, took a “quiz” about the type of guy I was looking for, and then my initial “matches” appeared…

Talk about WOOF.

It was dozens of guys I’m NOT interested in.

However, I kept looking and after getting through only 25 pages (I have 1500 matches), I’ve got 2 guys that are handsome, seem legit & interesting…I consider that a major score.

I’ve been signed up for less that 24-hours and my profile has already been viewed more than 160 times, I’ve gotten 11 “winks,” and 7 emails.

Talk about an ego boost.

Anyway, I am still perfecting my profile and learning how to navigate this world of online dating. But while I wait, it’s always good to get a few laughs—and it’s from the things people put on their profiles… Please enjoy:

  • I want you to know that I know all the lyrics to “The Humpty Dance” by the Digital Underground. (And I didn’t realize that Shock G and Humpty were the same person until like three years ago.
  • Just looking for someone normal that does not do drugs
  • I am ready to settle down, but not looking to rush things. I took a little sabbatical from dating, actually a long one, and I’m ready to put myself back out there
  • I like red heads there cool and dogs are gross so no dog owners but if you have a cat I really like cats so that’s cool.
  • This is my second run on match.com. I have not been on here in close to 2 years.
  • Of course a person is going to boast about their strengths and down play their weaknesses. Well let me join the crowd!
  • Well, my fun days are over and I am looking for something serious if possible.
  • I have 25 pictures of Danny Glover saved on my phone just incase I will ever need them.
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Remember Jesus Belt? He’s baaaaack.

Well kind of.

If you’re a long-time reader, you’ll remember Jesus Belt (JB) as my old editor for the magazine. I started off hating him, then developed some weird type of crush on him, then ended up getting some amazing oral sex from him during his “break” from a girlfriend.

That is all you need to know.

Occasionally, he will text me to see what I’m up to and how I’m doing—he still works at the magazine, but lives many states away…and still has that stupid girlfriend.

In late January, he texted me because he had had a dream about me. In it, he said, I was wearing a red, formal evening gown, and I was standing among the ashes of a burned building.

To his defense, he was on pain killers.

Yesterday morning, this conversation happened via text message:

JB: Oh, my, god. Every once in a while, you surface in a dream, and it’s just great. Don’t mean it to be creepy, but as a compliment (just woke up from it).

ME: Ha! Were you on pain killers this time?!

JB: Nope! I didn’t even drink last night.

ME: Wow! So what happened this time?

JB: I bet it’s because we only fooled around such a limited amount, and my poor brain is rebelling against the limitations of our experience…Lucky! It was rather graphic; not sure I could just text it all out…combo of the real first night, and then a bit more, a fabrication in-line with what I would’ve liked but never got.

ME: haha, you make me laugh.

JB: Laugh it up, Lucky. I should write it out as well. I can keep it for a bit. Maybe I’ll do that to get myself into the days’ writing.

ME: I’m really glad I make such an impression in your dreams!

JB: I’m glad, too.

ME: You should write it out and send it to me, anonymously.

JB: I’m only pretending to be sensitive. What! You’ll know it was me!

ME: Well yeah, but you’re so bashful about it.

JB: I can do that but I’m not sure I’m interested in a mere one-time exchange…

ME: You want to be pen pals?

JB: Jesus, how are you? I sure hope I didn’t cold text you in the middle of some kind of travesty, all excited about my randy dreams… I’m interested. Fair is fair, is all I’m saying.

ME: No travesty here! I am just sitting at my desk at my lame day job.

JB. Jesus! Well, then…surrounded by co-workers, I’m sure?

ME: No, I have my own office.

JB: Ohhkay! I need to shake off my weirdness and go to work, I suppose. But you ought to Facebook me your address, if you want to receive a note sometime.

ME: I will.

JB: Lets chat more soon; I should get up and get moving. Oh, thanks for the delicious intrusions, Lucky!

ME: You are welcome!

JB: I hope writing it out doesn’t remove it from whatever part of my brain keeps gifting me with it; much of it this morning was just crystal clear: the lightly beaded sweat on the inside of your thighs, your soft little moan, the insistent movements of your hips as you thrust yourself up against my tongue…

ME: Damn. I’ve heard dreams are just random thoughts in your brain…

JB: I don’t think they are ‘random.’ It’s your mind’s relief valve…doesn’t mean you’ll always get what you’d expect to have under pressure, but you’ll get something.

ME: That makes sense.

JB: I probably read your status update a week ago, looked at a few photos like a creep, and then this morning, right before I woke up…there you were.

ME: Oh yeah, I’m sure I looked really hot in my Justin Bieber t-shirt.

JB: Not sure I saw that one.

ME: Don’t look at it.

JB: I wrote a lot last night, wonder if that had some effect.

ME: Wrote about what?

JB: Ha! The healing characteristics of charcoal, and how to make it in the wilderness.

ME: That wasn’t it!

JB: Perhaps you don’t give full credit to the strangeness of the brain. I spent some of that time listening to an interview with Ernest Hemmingway in Spanish, and some part of that time in rage, castigating myself for abandoning so much that’s been important to me, regretful of these last years of editing over writing, management over art…it may be hard for you to see any doors whereby you could slink into my brain within those context, but I’m not surprised.

ME: Now it gets interesting.

JB: God only knows what I’ve assigned you, or even merely the feminine of you, the sweet-smelling distillate of Lucky…the one that got away? One I was too stupid to pursue? The possibilities are endless, as far as your subconscious.

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Dear Mr. Nice Guy…

Dear Mr. Nice Guy, 

Since I graduated from college about 5 years ago, I’ve found it’s difficult to meet a good guy to date. I would like to try online dating, but am clueless on where/how to begin. I’ve heard putting things on your online profile can be taken the wrong way, or posting certain pictures of yourself can send the guy the wrong message. What are some tips for creating an online profile that represents me and how do I avoid getting pranked, Manti Te’o-style?
 
Sincerely, 
 
Miss Online Hopeful  
*     *     *

HeadshotDear Online Hopeful,

You. Are. In. Luck!
In some circles one could consider me an expert on most things related to the topic of Online Dating. Much to my dismay this could largely be due to the fact that I am one year shy of reaching the decade mark for being an on-again/off-again part of that world.
But my pain is your gain, and the reason I’m here is to help you, which is what’s really important.
You are asking the question I wish more people would ask. You don’t really need to know what you should put in your profile, but what you should not put in it.
We’ll begin with your pictures because, let’s be honest, this is going to be the very first thing anyone is going to see and the ultimate deciding factor as to whether they will continue on to read your profile or not. Taking into consideration that you’re looking for a guy to date, and not just for a good roll-in-the-sack, here are my thoughts on the type of profile pictures you should avoid.
Avoid the dreaded “selfie” or mirror picture. What’s a selfie you ask? A selfie is a picture you took yourself by turnings your phone/camera towards yourself and stretching out your arm. I imagine you have at least one friend. Have them take the picture. This way you’ll also be able to better avoid getting a downward angle and therefore placing more focus on your possible cleavage.
Speaking of cleavage, be aware of what you’re wearing in your pictures. There is a difference between looking hot and looking down-right slutty. You may look extremely cute in your short shorts and tank top but giving us an idea this early on about what you may sleep in can put across the wrong message. In short, if your grandma wouldn’t frame the picture to show off to her bridge club you probably shouldn’t up. (all grandmas reserve the right to change their opinion at any time)
 
When it comes to the actual text of your profile I really only have one rule. Your profile is not a place to vent any of the following emotions: anger, rage, jealousy, insecurity, or bitterness. This is a place to sell you. We all have pasts and that’s where they should remain. Tell us [men] about the present day you and (indirectly) why we want date you.
There have been times I would come across a profile that seemed to have it all. Cute pictures. Personality. Common Interests. Then my scrolling would lead me to a list of “conditions”, or deal breakers, explaining that if any of the following were to apply to me then I shouldn’t bother. My urge to send a pleasant introduction message completely dissolved almost immediately. There is not problem in having standards, but you don’t know who is out there, and all you’re doing here is driving away someone who could actually be “perfect” for you. Remember, there’s a difference between having reasonable needs and being petty. Rejecting a guy with anger issues = reasonable; rejecting a guy because of thinning hair = petty.
Overall, have fun with your profile. Don’t take yourself too seriously. But most of all be honest.
Embrace who you are and others will too.
Good luck, and be patient. Online Dating is still a relatively new ballgame in realm of dating so having hot, and cold, streaks is expected. Don’t get frustrated and hopefully your right guy will send a virtual wink to you across the world wide web.
Best,
-Matthew; aka Mr. Nice Guy

Got a question for Mr. Nice Guy? Email it to cocktailsattiffanys@gmail.com 

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Dear Mr. Nice Guy…

Dear Mr. Nice Guy, 

About 2 years ago, I got out of a string of abusive relationships. I’m now 28, and I feel like I’m ready to get back out there. However, guys I meet seem to just want to hook up—I want something serious. Recently, my hair stylist started asking me what kind of guy I was looking for. Once we got to talking, she said she knew of a few guys that might be a good match and wanted to set us up. I’ve always been afraid of setups because I don’t want the setter-upper to be upset if it goes sour. However, I feel like I shouldn’t rule it out. What do you think? Do you have any advice for a first-setup-date? 
 
Thank you, 
 
Ms. Single Setup 
*     *     *

HeadshotDear Ms. Single Setup,

You most certainly are right, don’t rule out the idea of a Setup Date.

The people we keep in our lives; friends, family, and in your case your hair stylist, can often think “outside of the box” and see things in us that we would typically overlook, or even disregard because we’d think it a flaw rather than a selling point. This makes them an excellent source when it comes to finding potential dates and/or significant others.

There is one very important question I recommend everyone ask when they are approached with a potential setup.

Why do you think we’re compatible?”

You need to make sure there is more of a reason to set you up other than:

“Well…you’re both single.”

“Well…you both are sick of being single.”

“Well…you both have trouble going out and meeting people.”

“Well…you both have abysmal luck when it comes to finding someone on your own.”

“Well…you only find assholes/bitches.”

“Well…because.”

Fortunately, it seems like your stylist may be on the right track since she asked what kind of guy you’re looking for; just make sure they are valid reasons.

Do you have share interests? Similar backgrounds? Have you both expressed an interest in doing something new?

I must say I’m extremely impressed that your concern isn’t so much being set up on a date, but that if things don’t work out the relationship with your stylist may be altered. To be frankly honest, I had never thought of things turning out that way. My personal thoughts are, I doubt she’ll give it a second thought if things don’t work out with you and Guy A, B, or C. (unless one of them is a son/nephew/cousin/grandson/etc., that she’s absolutely crazy about)

When it comes to the date itself I highly recommend trying to make it happen during a group outing. Having been the subject of two Setup Dates in the past this helped avoid any potential awkward situations. The first one consisted of her meeting me at a bowling alley where I was with a good buddy of mine and his girlfriend. For the other setup a mutual friend brought her to an annual fondue event a group of my friends have every January.

The bowling date went well and we continued to go out on a few more dates after that. In the end things didn’t work out, but even now we are still friends. The fondue setup didn’t even really have a chance to gain momentum; which I will admit was largely to me being somewhat picky at that time.

Coincidentally, just two weeks ago my sister told me that a friend of hers wants to set me up with her daughter. Now, I don’t know much about the daughter other than the fact that she’s cute; and that she has apparently already Facebook stalked me and said I was cute. Not following my own advice, placing blame on the 25 ounces of beer I had already consumed on a virtually empty stomach, I slammed my hand on the table and said with a smile, “Set it up!” To the best of knowledge the tentative game plan is a double date night, consisting of dinner and games, which will include myself, the daughter, my sister, and my brother-in-law.

See? Safety in numbers.

Any of those situations not only helps take some pressure off the two of you, but it makes conversation and getting to know someone a LOT easier. Having trouble coming up with a question to ask? Perhaps someone else in the group will have something to say.

Better still, you will get to see how this person interacts with other people. You can learn a lot about a person even when not directly involved in the conversation taking place.

Here’s my final little conclusion of advice for you.

Take up your stylists offer to set you up, but do your homework first. Start off small and find out which one guy may be the best fit for the setup. Find an activity to do with a group of people; they could be your friends, they could be his friends, they could be a mix of the two. The focus here is a fun activity where interaction is a must.

Last, don’t try to think of it too much as ‘a date’. Think of it as a group of people going out to have fun. If, at the end of the day/night, you’re vibin’ this guy let him know. There’s no problem in saying, “It was great getting to meet you and I had a lot of fun. Do you want to, maybe, get drinks or dinner sometime.”

Good Luck, and let us know if anything develops!

Best,

-Mr. Nice Guy-

Got a question for Mr. Nice Guy? Email it to cocktailsattiffanys@gmail.com 

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