Tag Archives: incest

It’s on like donkey kong…with high school crush.

First things first, I want to say how upset I am with Lucky for making me upset that my real life isn’t like a Tommy Hilfiger commercial.  I saw the draft of her post yesterday bright and early Saturday morning and spent a good 45 minutes in bed watching commercials introducing us to the Hilfiger clan and day dreaming that I was there.  I was dating the hot door opening guy and Lucky the snowboarder, we would spend our weekends at the country club and watch our men play golf while we sipped dirty martini’s in our derby hats and puffed away on our quellazaires.  And it was ok, because in dreams you don’t get lung cancer and smoking is cool.  If there is ever a day when my family looks like that and are all bouncing around in their underwear decorating for Christmas I’ll start a world-wide petition that incest should be ok.  And you know how anti-incest I am.

Speaking of incest… (Like that transition?) Remember when my step-aunt and uncle wanted to bend the rules of morally right and set me up with their nephew and I was all cry baby about it because I think it’s gross to even flirt with someone that you can say you share an aunt and uncle with?  Well, he rejected me.  I wasn’t even interested and he rejected me. 

We sent a handful of facebook messages back and forth saying how funny step-aunt and uncle are for trying to set us up.  I didn’t ever mention meeting up because frankly every time I thought about it I threw up in my mouth a little.  And then, early last week, he sent the dreaded message asking if I had any days free between December 21st and New Years.  Uhh nopers, sure don’t.  And that’s not a lie; I will be on an island not worried about how my family is gross.  So I replied back telling him I’d be away on vacation, so that wouldn’t work and maybe we could get together the next time he was in the tri-state area.  Then he replied with this:

Sounds good, next year may be busy because the company now wants to move me to California to manage a new project for 2-3 years. I told Aunt I would apply for her company but California sounds like a good time.

Oh… okay, so you’re busy for the next 3 years.  No big deal, see you on the other side. I just thought this was hilarious. The way he says it makes it sound like I’ll still be around single and ready to mingle in 3 years and we can give it a try then (which probably isn’t wrong, but I’d like someone to give me the benefit of the doubt.  Especially since I was having dinner with Snatch and Anth the other night and they keep telling me to go on a date with their friend they call Dad and how they will still be trying to set me up with him when we are all retired.  And I was like for real? You think I’ll still be single at 70???!!! They made shifty eyes are were all… ummm heh heh jk jk!) Anyway, I know we were both just going to meet as a courtesy to our aunt and uncle who just thought we would be a match made in incest heaven, so I am relieved that I didn’t have to have an awkward date with someone who is basically family.

But, when one door you tried to lock shut to begin with closes another one opens, right?  Friday I’ll be seeing High School Crush at an ugly sweater themed charity thing.  I am excited to get inappropriately drunk with the possibility of getting my dreams crushed when he shows up with another girl, but I am not so excited to wear an ugly sweater that I don’t yet own.  I get it; dressing up in ugly things is fun.  But it stresses me out; wearing something ugly means my personality has to shine that much more on Friday night.  As if I don’t already have enough things going against me with this (barfing on him 8 years ago, the white elephant in the room that he picked dating an ugly horse over me after the barfing incident, the flashback he’ll surely have of the barfing incident when he sees me with a drink in my hand Friday) now I have to add in wearing something ugly.  And I can’t not do it, because what’s worse than being the girl who dresses sexy in a room full of people that are dressed ugly?

Usually when I think I’m going to see a guy I’ve had a crush on for 14 years I would spend all week making sure I had the perfect outfit planned out, my nails, hair, and skin all looked flawless.  But that all goes out the window this weekend.  It’s do or die time kids, this is what we’ve been waiting for.  This is like senior year spring break all over again.  8 years ago I was that barfing drunk girl and he still liked me (until the barfing happened).   So maybe now I can be that drunk girl dressed ugly and he’ll still like me.  God please do not let me barf on him again. 

And as if all of these factors already playing against me weren’t bad enough, Betty will be there.  Betty is like my kryptonite when it comes to guys.  If she says anything to him she will ruin 14 years of hard work and it’ll all be over.  I can see exactly what will happen, we’ll be chit chatting it up flirting away and zoning in for the long awaited make out and Betty will walk up and be like, “Hey you know Gizzy has liked you for half of her life?  Oh, and she poops.”  And he’ll be like, “Gross!!!  Laterz!” and I’ll never see him again.  The chances of this working out are about as good as a quadriplegic climbing a mountain. (Honestly, that’s probably happened, so the odds are worse, just as bad of odds as one can have.)

After I found out that I’d be seeing HSC this weekend I decided I needed to do something to take the pressure off (obvi).  Not that anything will happen (see, not jinxing it, that’s a good thing).  But say something works out and HSC and I decide to throw each other a drunken make out, I haven’t kissed anyone in 10 months, do I really want to break my dry spell and blow my only shot with HSC by licking his chin when I forget how to kiss because I’m so nervous? So, I went to the gym last night prowling for a date. 

I don’t know why, because my gym notoriously has a bunch of fugly guys walking around, but I went anyway.  I was on the elliptical doing my thing, scoping out the scene when I saw a hot guy come in.  It was perfect, not only was he hot and looked like he’d be down for some practice make outs he picked the machine right in front of mine.  He put all of his stuff on the little ledge then turned around and sat on the back of the treadmill for a solid 5 minutes and looked at me.  A little creepy, but he smiled at me so I took it as that he had ESP and was down for the make out, and then he said “Hi” and gave me some lets meet in the locker room after this eyes.  So it was on.  Then, he hopped up and was getting ready to start running when I noticed him pulling down his knee length shorts that unveiled his running panties.  The guy was wearing running panties.  If there is one thing that a guy can do to instantly turn a girl off it is wear running panties in public, or ever.  Blech!!  I don’t know, I guess I’ll just practice making out with my hand, because that is better than making out with a guy who wears running panties.

So there you have it, I have the triple threat of Betty, looking ugly, and rusty make out skills all working against me on this.  If I can come away from Friday night Scott free without crying I’ll consider it a success.

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Family Ties

I just want to let everyone know that Lucky is OK.  I know it’s very rare that she misses a posting day (unlike myself, the slack ass of the group) but she is like kind of dying.  Seriously she sent me a text on Monday asking how high her temperature has to get before she should go to the hospital.  So she is like RULL sick, and then she had all that life ruining dental work done yesterday, but she is a strong girl and SHE WILL SURVIVE and she will be BACK, and thank goodness because this 1 woman circus is not all that entertaining… Gloria Gaynor with me now…First I was afraid, I was petrified, kept thinking I would never live….Anyone? No? Hrmph.

As if anyone cares for an update on the “Road to Find Myself:  Stories of a Lost Blogger” there really aren’t any.  I’m just as bi-polar about what I want to do with myself as I was 2 days ago.  I go from YEAH! I’m moving to LA and I’m going to do something really cool/I wonder which celebrity I can convince to marry me? to wanting to move in next door to my parents so that I don’t ever have to cook for myself  or do my own laundry again .  I know, it’s called compromise, I have 4 months.. I’ll find it.  And if I don’t, there’s always stripping.  Also my dad told me the other day that he thinks homeless people begging for money on the streets probably make more a week than I do.  So, there’s a thought.  “Please help.  Will tell testicle jokes for quarters.  If a quiz is quizzical, what is a test?” I try really hard, ok? I also firmly believe that I would be a good candidate for Wipeout.  I would call myself Frizzy Gizzy, crimp and tease my hair, and act all mad scientist like.  It could work.

Anyway, what was I going to blog about today?  Oh right, my family.  So I helped my aunt throw a birthday party this past weekend for my mom and her son, “Cousin B”… here’s a family tree to help you keep track:

gizzy’s family tree

So all is good in the hood, a lot of people showed up… I was running around being super hostess, making sure everyone had enough to eat and something to drink.   Out of the corner of my eye I noticed that Cousin Z was off in a lawn chair sleeping, which he does at every gathering.  He was supposed to help with this party so of course I’m like what a jackass blah blah blah.

My family is also notorious for practical jokes.  After unsuccessfully convincing no one to smash a cupcake in Cousin Z’s face to wake him up I decided to go for it myself.  WAM! Pink cup cake up the nose… mwhahaa.  It was bitter sweet.  Sweet because I got him good, bitter because he didn’t say a word and just got up and walked away. 

The next thing I know it’s 20 minutes later and I see Cousin Z flying out of the house with a pan of baked beans toward 2nd Cousin W, 2nd Cousin S, and Baby D.  It was like slow motion, I could hear myself in that low movie voice saying… “NOOOOO…OOOOOOOO” as he dumped the beans all over 2nd Cousin W’s head, all over 2nd Cousin S’s left arm, and all over Baby D’s face. 

Of course the whole family goes ape shit because he got beans all over the baby.  Yeah, I realize how white trash this sounds, mostly because it is white trash.  So we’ve got 2nd Cousin W jumping up and down screaming “WHAT THE FUCK, WHAT THE FUCK!” in Cousin Z’s face all while Cousin S is slinging beans off her arm and 3 month old Baby D is enjoying licking the tastey bean juice off his lips.  All while half of the family is coming to me asking why I did that because I knew he would retaliate and the other half is screaming at Cousin Z for throwing beans at a baby. 

There were a lot of words exchanged, I offered to out myself and to tell Cousin Z that I was the cupcake culprit (which stained his face pink) and everyone told me not to because that would just lead to more chaos. 

So basically everyone left the party except Cousin Z and Cousin B’s half brother D, 2nd Cousin S, me and a few others.  I was facebook creeping on the party attendees and noticed that in fact Cousin Z and Cousin B’s half brother D and Cousin S are in a relationship.  Really family?  We’re doing incest now?  I mean I know they aren’t technically blood related, but that is gross, right?

Like what would you tell your kids, um yeah you know your uncle Z and uncle B? Well they are Mommy’s cousins and my brothers.  LIKE WTF! The world is not ending, there are plenty of fish in the sea, and we do not need to be doing this right now.  I know they’re in high school so the odds of it actually working out are slim to none, but still… I can’t imagine the high school kids are supportive of this.  If I knew someone who was dating their 2nd cousin’s brother I would absolutely point laugh and tell them they were going to have retarded babies.  They should be ashamed of it.  JESUS!! WHAT IS GOING ON!!!?

I need to get out of this country.

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