Tag Archives: it sucks to be me

BACK!!!!!!!!!

Hey guys!

If you’re still reading this blog, THANK YOU. Once again, I apologize that we have gone missing. We are both still alive!!

I feel like everything has happened since 2014 even started, and then when I sit down to write about it, I don’t even know where to start or what to say.

Truthfully, the reason for me not blogging lately is because I’ve just been SOOOO busy. And no, I don’t mean that in the sense of, omg I’m so busy and I’m so kewl.

I mean that in, I have been working my ass off. I’m lucky (heh heh) if I get a few hours of sleep each night.

So, I suppose I’ll just start with that.

Remember Fatso? My coworker? Well, when I came back to work after the holiday break, he got fired. Seriously. The DAY we got back from a 2-week break, he was fired. Like I was here, in my office, and he got fired.

Okay, you get the point.

Well, I was kind of shocked and not surprised all at once, because, let’s face it, he was a little crazy.

But at the same time, stuff changed IMMEDIATELY. Not only was the energy in the office different, but our web team of 5 was knocked down to 4. One of those workers being a temp, so in March our team of 4 became 3.

And while that sounds exciting, guess who has been picking up the slack? THIS MOTHER FUCK.

Did I get a raise? Nope.

The part of Fatso’s job that I’m covering (and have been covering for 4 months) is a giant social media job that pretty much never stops.

I’m not going to lie to you, I have a little more respect for the guy now that I’m doing his dirty work.

And so, not only did the work at my day job pick up, but I’ve still had to maintain my busy freelance schedule so I can ay my bills and occasionally pay for some fun stuff.

So, things have been rough, to say the least.

But, I’m currently working on a plan to present to my boss to see if I can get a raise, therefore lowering some of my freelance workload. Has anyone out there ever done that?

I need all of the help, advice, and encouragement I can get.

HELP.

I promise, I’ll talk to you guys soon!!!

xoxo

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Let me elaborate.

After I found out D was cheating on me, I was upset for about a day. Then, about a week later, I found out he got dumped.

This made me feel better. It even made me laugh a little.

About a week after that, I found out he got fired from his job.

For stealing cash.

This made me dance in the middle of the grocery store.

Later, when I told this story to one of my guy friends, he told me that was mean of me, and that I shouldn’t wish ill on someone.

Let me set the record straight. I never wished ill upon him, I was merely celebrating the fact that justice had been served.

Although I now know that Karma is a real thing, finding out that not only was my ex cheating on me, but he was also stealing money the entire time…makes me wonder about the kind of person I am.

How did I have clearly NO idea who this person was? We practically lived together and little did I know he was living like 3 lives.

Since all of this went down, I’ve been getting several calls from blocked numbers…could it be D?

I have no idea.

I hate to admit it, but all of this really has me questioning relationships in general. I feel like the more I date, the more clueless I become.

I spoke to my therapist about this, and he told me it was okay to feel this way. He said it was understandable that I’m feeling guarded and even a little bit bitter.

According to Lopez, when I find the one, he’s going to be the one even if I’m guarded, and even if it takes me 6 months to come around.

This thought comforts me. Tremendously.

Thoughts?

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Why I am a quitter, part II.

Of course I was pissed they gave the job to someone else, but what bothered me even more was that I didn’t even know about it. 

If I’m going to lose at something, I want it to be fair. Give us an interview and tell me I wasn’t the better person for the job. 

After that, it was just downhill. Every story that I pitched was ignored and I only wrote the stories that were assigned to me, which were okay, but not ones I was passionate about. 

Yes, I know, the life of a freelance writer isn’t as glamorous as we’d all like to believe, but there are magazines out there that have meetings, and give ample time to meet deadlines, and actually respect their writers. 

I had been toyed with the idea of quitting for months, but it clicked when they gave me a cover story (large assignment) at the last minute, and then bugged the shit out of me, telling me who to contact (as if I’d never done this before) and setting up 3 photo shoots to get one right picture. 

I had just had it. I’ve been writing for 12 years now, and I’ve worked my way from the bottom up…and this place was still treating me like I was brand new. 

So I quit after the cover story was published. 

My email to the editor was short and sweet, listing no reason for my resignation. Of course, he wrote right back, but I haven’t replied yet as I don’t feel like getting into a back and forth with them. 

I am hoping this gives me more time to do things that I enjoy (like blogging) and perhaps I will find another freelance gig that is more rewarding. 

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Getting back to business.

The last time I met with Lopez, it was important to me that I talked to him about me.

Sure, technically everything we talk about is related to me, since he is my counselor. But really, I’m scared of losing myself in my relationship with D. It’s really important to me to remain true to my friends, my job, and mostly, my hobbies and things I like to do without D around.

A few weekends ago, I realized that I wasn’t making the most of my Saturdays and Sundays, which would send me to work Monday in a bad mood. I couldn’t pinpoint what the problem was until I really thought it through.

On Saturdays and Sundays, D works all day, so it’s the perfect opportunity for me to have “me” time or meet up with my girlfriends, hit the gym, or whatever I please. But for some reason, I hadn’t been acting on that and instead was just sitting around being a sloth and watching tv.

So these last few weekends, I’ve made a little to-do list for myself, even if it’s just “go to Sephora” or something fun and easy like that. When I actually do the things on my list, I feel productive and it feels like I made good use of my time.

Does it sound ridiculous? It’s a little weird to me that I have to make a list or whatever, but after talking to my counselor, I’m starting to see the reasons why.

For starters, most of my relationships have been abusive and particularly manipulative, so I have a habit of losing myself in relationships. When things ended with BEX, it was also the end of a bad string of guys, leaving me with no idea who I was, at all. If I felt sad about something, I would question that—should I feel sad?

Many hours of conversations have been spent with me asking Lopez, should I feel like this when this happens??? It’s been a tough ride.

Second of all, because my previous relationships have been so dysfunctional, I’ve never been in a relationship where things were just “okay” or just coasting or whatever. It’s always been some extreme high or an extreme low.

I cannot tell you the number of Saturdays I must have spent in bed crying, thinking BEX was mad at me, texting him apologizing for nothing, or seeing what he was doing and if we could meet up later.

Now, it’s not like that because there aren’t any questions. D is never mad at me, and he always comes over after his shift ends. So I’m left with hours to myself and not a clue with what to do! What do you all do on the weekends to unwind?

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Hi, Betsy!

Over the weekend, D informed me of some pretty cool news: Not only was E’s graduation coming up, but D said her mom wanted me to be there.

WOW! I am so in, right?

The kindergarten graduation ceremony begins at 9:30 Friday morning, so I took the day off work. After the ceremony me, E, D, and E’s mom (D’s ex wife, just to be clear) are going out to lunch to celebrate.

D said he was going to buy E a bouquet of flowers for the occasion. Flowers? Psshh.

I ventured to Target in search of the perfect gift; nothing too flashy, but something to show that I care, and that I’m cool, and that she should like me, dammit.

I really wanted to get a “Graduation Barbie”…which, turns out that even though Barbie is a mom and a doctor and a veterinarian and President, she didn’t graduate. So I was left wandering down the Barbie aisle.

Eventually, I came across the Barbie Pocket Learner:

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Yeah, looks awesome, right?

According to the packaging, this little gadget has 24 interactive activities including logic, vocabulary, numbers, and more! You can even send Barbie “emails.”

I was pretty stoked that I found a cool-looking toy that was somewhat educational for a low price. So, I grabbed some wrapping paper and headed home.

Sunday morning, while making the obligatory call to mom, I was messing around with the pocket learner, planning on getting my number-game on, you know?

So I turn it on, and it’s Barbie’s pretty face, paired with some danceable tunes, and Barbie says to me, “HI BETSY!!!!”

Ohhhhh fuck.

My mom hears this and says, “But her name isn’t Betsy!”

I know this fact, and also know that if E turns on this toy and it says Betsy and not “E” I am doomed FOREVER.

So I search through the toy, looking to where I can customize it and make it say E and not Betsy. Who is this Betsy? Some lil whore whose mom was off looking at frozen pizzas while Betsy was left in the Barbie aisle customizing all of the pocket learners.

I had no luck, so I went to Google and looked up the instructions (the learner was still in its package, mind you) and still had no luck.

But the pieces started coming together—it was a toy for 3+, didn’t have any complex instructions, and chances are, it had no real customizable capabilities.

Then, it finally clicked. Barbie was saying, “HI BESTIE.”

Not Betsy. Le sigh.

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The diagnosis.

To be honest with you all, part of me thought that jumping into this fun and very sweet relationship would fix a lot of my problems—make me feel better about myself. I wondered if I would even have stuff to talk to Lopez about.

Well, as you can probably imagine, it didn’t fix me, and I still have plenty to talk to Lopez about.

Our appointment last week (which went over 12 minutes) proved that. I told him that despite things going well with D, whenever we part ways, I find I feel this heaviness on my back. Like I cannot hold my head up.

It’s not like we fight and I get upset or that I’m scared he’ll cheat, it’s just a heavy feeling for reasons I can’t quite pinpoint yet.

I shared with Lopez a piece of my past that I hadn’t yet: 2 boyfriends I had years ago “dumped” me by simply not talking to me.

The first was a boy named Adam. He was my best friend, and we fell in love one summer during college. We decided to stay together when school started, despite living states away. In October, I flew to visit him for a few days. We had a great time, but when he took me to the airport, we were both really sad.

When I landed back at school, he was weird on the phone. Eventually, he stopped answering my calls, texts, emails… and I never saw him again. I knew it was over when he started posting pictures of him with a girl (his now-wife) on Halloween, just weeks after I saw him.

That was about 8 years ago. I dated someone two years later, who drove me back home so he could meet my parents. We had a great time and laughed all the way back to our city. But when I dropped him off at his house, I felt the weight.

In the days following, he didn’t answer my calls or texts. I knew it was over. I cried during my walks to class.

When I told Lopez this, he paused, and told me this.

“You’re reacting to something that was very traumatic,” he said. “It’s like you have PTSD.”

While I’d heard of PTSD and knew a little about it, I did some Googling. Here’s what I found:

Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a severe anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to any event that results in psychological trauma. This event may involve the threat of death to oneself or to someone else, or to one’s own or someone else’s physical, sexual, or psychological integrity, overwhelming the individual’s ability to cope. As an effect of psychological trauma, PTSD is less frequent and more enduring than the more commonly seen post traumatic stress (also known as acute stress response). Diagnostic symptoms for PTSD include re-experiencing the original trauma(s) through flashbacks or nightmares, avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma, and increased arousal—such as difficulty falling or staying asleep, anger, and hypervigilance. Formal diagnostic criteria require that the symptoms last more than one month and cause significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

Hmm yeah, I fit like all of that.

It’s like, the logical side of me knows that when me and D part ways, like when I leave for work in the mornings, and everything is fine, that everything will continue to be fine until it’s not fine anymore. But my heart, my heart knows that things have been fine before and then they weren’t for no logical reason, and at this point, I am invested and that scares the shit out of me.

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Dear Mr. Nice Guy…

Dear Mr. Nice Guy, 

Since I graduated from college about 5 years ago, I’ve found it’s difficult to meet a good guy to date. I would like to try online dating, but am clueless on where/how to begin. I’ve heard putting things on your online profile can be taken the wrong way, or posting certain pictures of yourself can send the guy the wrong message. What are some tips for creating an online profile that represents me and how do I avoid getting pranked, Manti Te’o-style?
 
Sincerely, 
 
Miss Online Hopeful  
*     *     *

HeadshotDear Online Hopeful,

You. Are. In. Luck!
In some circles one could consider me an expert on most things related to the topic of Online Dating. Much to my dismay this could largely be due to the fact that I am one year shy of reaching the decade mark for being an on-again/off-again part of that world.
But my pain is your gain, and the reason I’m here is to help you, which is what’s really important.
You are asking the question I wish more people would ask. You don’t really need to know what you should put in your profile, but what you should not put in it.
We’ll begin with your pictures because, let’s be honest, this is going to be the very first thing anyone is going to see and the ultimate deciding factor as to whether they will continue on to read your profile or not. Taking into consideration that you’re looking for a guy to date, and not just for a good roll-in-the-sack, here are my thoughts on the type of profile pictures you should avoid.
Avoid the dreaded “selfie” or mirror picture. What’s a selfie you ask? A selfie is a picture you took yourself by turnings your phone/camera towards yourself and stretching out your arm. I imagine you have at least one friend. Have them take the picture. This way you’ll also be able to better avoid getting a downward angle and therefore placing more focus on your possible cleavage.
Speaking of cleavage, be aware of what you’re wearing in your pictures. There is a difference between looking hot and looking down-right slutty. You may look extremely cute in your short shorts and tank top but giving us an idea this early on about what you may sleep in can put across the wrong message. In short, if your grandma wouldn’t frame the picture to show off to her bridge club you probably shouldn’t up. (all grandmas reserve the right to change their opinion at any time)
 
When it comes to the actual text of your profile I really only have one rule. Your profile is not a place to vent any of the following emotions: anger, rage, jealousy, insecurity, or bitterness. This is a place to sell you. We all have pasts and that’s where they should remain. Tell us [men] about the present day you and (indirectly) why we want date you.
There have been times I would come across a profile that seemed to have it all. Cute pictures. Personality. Common Interests. Then my scrolling would lead me to a list of “conditions”, or deal breakers, explaining that if any of the following were to apply to me then I shouldn’t bother. My urge to send a pleasant introduction message completely dissolved almost immediately. There is not problem in having standards, but you don’t know who is out there, and all you’re doing here is driving away someone who could actually be “perfect” for you. Remember, there’s a difference between having reasonable needs and being petty. Rejecting a guy with anger issues = reasonable; rejecting a guy because of thinning hair = petty.
Overall, have fun with your profile. Don’t take yourself too seriously. But most of all be honest.
Embrace who you are and others will too.
Good luck, and be patient. Online Dating is still a relatively new ballgame in realm of dating so having hot, and cold, streaks is expected. Don’t get frustrated and hopefully your right guy will send a virtual wink to you across the world wide web.
Best,
-Matthew; aka Mr. Nice Guy

Got a question for Mr. Nice Guy? Email it to cocktailsattiffanys@gmail.com 

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