Tag Archives: John Mayer

Songs I’m obsessed with right now.

1. White Walls by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

2. Royals by Lorde

3. Dear Marie by John Mayer

4. Crooked Smile by J Cole featuring TLC

5. Give it 2 U by Robin Thicke with 2 Chainz

6. Body Party by Ciara

7. Love More by Chris Brown, featuring Nicki Minaj

8. Wait A Minute by Justin Bieber, featuring Tyga

9. Dark Horse by Katy Perry, featuring Juicy J

10. Bass Down Low by DEV, featuring The Cataracs

Those are my JAMS right now! What songs are you dancing to?

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A conversation with John Mayer.

The radio show I listen to every morning (on my way to work) did a series of skits last week based around conversations they wish they could have if they met their favorite celebrity.

It got me thinking about my favorite celebrity, John Mayer.

I’ve been a fan of his since I was 16, after borrowing my dad’s copy of “Room for Squares,” and seeing this on TV:

In the years since then, I’ve often wondered what I would say to him if we ever did meet. Although I’ve seen him in concert a dozen times, in a dozen different states, I haven’t ever been in that position.

However, I’ve had several dreams where we talked, and in those moments, I never knew what to say. I mean, really what do you say? Late last year, I entered a raffle (several times) to spend the day with John doing charity work—that’s when the opportunity of meeting him seemed real.

Since I am a full-time journalist, people ask me all the time, “John Mayer must be your dream interview, right?”

Wrong.

I live very much in a fantasy world when it comes to my favorite musicians, actors, etc. Sometimes, I don’t even watch interviews with them, or read articles about them, because I don’t want to read the bad stuff.

Upon reading Rolling Stone’s article on Amy Winehouse, I started crying reading about the amount of drugs she was on… I had no idea, and I didn’t want her to die, at least before I could see her in concert. Yeah…

But here goes, my ideal conversation with John Mayer:

GRANNY’S GOURMET DONUTS-MID MORNING

Lucky is in Bozeman, MT, working through a quarter life crisis. It’s her second morning in town, and she walks into the crowded diner hoping to plan her day. She finds an empty stool at the counter. 

WAITRESS

Can I get t’chu somethin’, hun?

LUCKY

Oh yeah, can I get some coffee, please? And I’m still deciding on food, thanks.

Gentleman to the left of Lucky turns toward her. Lucky is reading the menu. 

JOHN MAYER

You should get the house omelet.

Lucky recognizes the voice, slowly looks up. 

LUCKY

Oh yeah? Is that your favorite?

JOHN MAYER

It’s good. I would probably like everything on their menu, though.

LUCKY

If I get the omelet, and it sucks, I can just blame you then?

JOHN MAYER

Sure, I can deal with that.

LUCKY

Alright, deal.

Lucky sips on her coffee, eventually laying out some brochures and her iPad. 

JOHN MAYER

Oh, no, tourist alert.

LUCKY

I’m not ashamed, yeah I’m a tourist.

JOHN MAYER

Care for some suggestions?

LUCKY

I already took your breakfast suggest, should I really bank my whole trip on your opinion?

JOHN MAYER

Good point. But I have lived here for a few years.

LUCKY

So what do you recommend?

JOHN MAYER

I think you should let me show you around, after you eat your omelet, of course.

LUCKY

What if I have a bad time?

JOHN MAYER

Tell me the second you’re not having fun and I’ll take you home, or wherever.

LUCKY

Will we see a bear or a moose or something?

JOHN MAYER

If that’s what you want.

LUCKY

Oh yeah, I want to see one. But there’s something else…

JOHN MAYER

What’s that?

LUCKY

Names. I’m Lucky.

JOHN MAYER

Oh right. Nice to meet you, my name is John.

*     *     *

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We’re getting married…to dudes!

That’s right, you read correctly, Me (Lucky) and my best pal Gizzy are finally getting hitched…and NOT to each other!

And so, like every other bride to be, there’s planning to be done, cakes to eat, parties to attend, registries to build, and of course, a wedding website to capture it all!  Wondering who the lucky gents are? Read and weep my friends…

Follow us on our newest journey: Lucky & Gizzy’s Fairytale Wedding

Happy Valentine’s/Single Awareness Day!

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Welcome to my party, bitches.

I realize I haven’t opened up to you, financially. But I figure it’s been long enough—we can talk money, right?

Good. Because all of this wedding nonsense has got me broke.

There is an episode of Sex and The City where Carrie brings up a good point. What do we singletons get in terms of celebrating? We spend time and money on our friends and their successes/life achievements. We go to stock the bar parties, bachelorette parties, bridal showers, weddings, baby showers…

And it all adds up.

In terms of my salary, I make plenty of money for what little work I do. And I write for two magazines and a blog, all paid on freelance terms. However, I’m a really big saver—all of my freelance money goes into my savings account.

So, when I get paid from work I pay all my bills first (rent, cable, electric, spa membership, cell phone, insurance) and I put a little into savings. Whatever is left over, goes toward gas, groceries, and hopefully booze.

But these last few months have left my budget rather tight. Let’s see where it’s all going, shall we?

1. Bridesmaid’s dress: $260

2. Flight for bachelorette party: $90

3. Stock the bar party: $50

4. Bachelorette weekend 1: $200

5. Bachelorette weekend 2: $250

6. Bachelorette weekend 3: $200

7. Bridesmaid shoes: $90

8. Bridal shower gift: $65

9: Hotel room for wedding: $300

10: Wedding gift 1: $50

11: Wedding gift 2: $50

12: Wedding gift 3: $50

13: Rehearsal dinner dress: $100

14: Dress fitting: $15

15: Cocktail dress for weddings 1 & 2: $85

Total: $1,855

Yeah, that’s two month’s rent. I don’t mean to be a bitch, really. I am happy for all of my friends getting married, I wish them the best, and I don’t want to complain about the money. Because, I know, it isn’t about the money. But damn, I didn’t realize how expensive all of this celebrating can get.

I’ve heard people say it before—what do we get for being single and successful in other ways? Jack shit. So how can I host a fabulous, “Lucky isn’t engaged, married, or pregnant” party that involves raising funds for me to spend on other people who are?

It could be a casino party…and the house always wins.

Or, I could open my apartment up as a restaurant for a few nights, boil a bunch of noodles and charge $30 a plate.

WWBD?

The Bieb would host a private concert. But I can’t sing. I only know one song on the guitar and one song on the piano.

Maybe I should just go the old fashioned route and set up a spiked lemonade stand outside my apartment.

If I weren’t so scared of my own blood, I’d donate plasma for $20 a pop…let’s see…I’d have to go to the blood bank about 93 times to get the money I need. Fuck.

I need to think on this more. Please let me know of any ideas you have…I know you are some smart cookies.

In the meantime, my broke ass has been watching the TV I’ve already factored into my monthly budget, instead of enjoying nights on the town. Nothing like an $8 bottle of frost citrus vodka and E! on a Friday night. I’ve got a pretty hot lineup of shows I’ve been into lately.

1. After Lately: it’s Chelsea Handler’s new show. I used to love watching Chelsea Lately, but it’s gotten a little old. But one night a few weekends ago, I got sucked into a few episodes of After Lately—it’s a behind-the-scenes look at her crazy comedian staff—and I fell in love.

2. Celebrity Apprentice: I’ll admit it, I’ve got a crush on the Trump family (note to self: marry a Trump to pay for weddings), so I’ve been a huge fan of apprentice from the beginning. This season, I’m finding great pleasure in watching the train wreck that is Gary Busey…not to mention LaToya Jackson.

3. The Real Housewives of Orange County: You already know I’m a sucker for all of these ladies and their shows. While OC isn’t my favorite, it ranks high. I love love love Gretchen, and although I hated Alexis last season, she’s growing on me (aside from the religious shit).

4. Top Chef: I used to be obsessed with this show, but put it on the back burner (hehe) for awhile. However my taste for it is back again and I cannot wait for the season finale TOMORROW…I’ve developed a lil crush on Richard. While I’m not a fan of his chemist, nitris-oxide bullshit, I think he’s a cutie.

Now, there are also a TON of shows I’m looking forward to that are coming up…The Real Housewives of New York (Starts next Thursday, April 7), Fantasy Factory (starts Monday, April 4), and thanks to Gizzy’s info, Audrina (starts Sunday, April 17).

God, I’m a loser.

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100th Post! 100 goodies!

The day has finally come everyone! (Sorry about the tags, I got carried away/wanted to get a bunch of hits.) Our 100th post has arrived!!!! HAPPY 100TH POST DAY TO US AND TO YOU!!! WOOHOOO!!!! (Picture me twirling my noise maker.) And for the 100th post Lucky and I have decided to revamp Cocktails at Tiffany’s so that we can not only tickle our 5 readers to death with all of these exciting changes but also so that we can grab the attention of some people with lots of money (Kelsey Grammer) who might be interested in sponsoring us to be us.  Here’s what you have to look forward to in the coming weeks/months:

Weekend posts, audio posts(mostly drunken), a new COCKTAILSATTIFFANYS.COM web address DOT COM!, a Dear L,G,&ShyGuy advice segment , posts about Lucky and Gizzy’s upcoming reunion and the shenanigans that will ensue *ahem* black wednesday, new years eve, and dressing up as fruit of the loom at 7 o’clock in the morning to drink and be merry at Gizzy’s alma mater’s rival football game, but mostly the moment you’ve all been waiting for, the announcement of what won the 100th post poll.  It was a 3 way tie between post our middle school pics, 100 Lucky and Gizzy fun facts, and meet 100 guys. It was a hard decision and the winner is…

Ready….

[Drumroll]

…..

..

.

Not Yet…

ALL 3! (I said WHOMP! DER it is! Everyboday! WHOMP! Der it is)So let’s jump right on in the 100th post pool like we waited 20 minutes after eating but we really only waited 2.

100 Fun Facts on Lucky & Gizzy:

1. Gizzy will not eat boneless wings from Buffalo Wild Wings unless they are accompanied by Bud Light Lime and buffalo chips and cheese with 2 cups of ranch.  Some call this OCD.
2. Lucky has a massive fear of soggy bread, which she thinks derived from watching people throw bread at ducks in a pond at a young age. As a result, she doesn’t eat stuffing, dumplings, bread bowls, or double-decker sandwiches. (G Note: HAHA Should’ve thrown them some QUACKERS! God, I am funny.)
3. Gizzy puts on 3 coats of burts bees chapstick every night before bed. More OCD.
4. Lucky’s favorite movie has, and always will be, Home Alone.
5. Gizzy habitually eats old candy out of the bottom of her purse in front of people and thinks it’s ok.
6. Lucky’s lucky numbers are 3, 7, and 35.
7. Gizzy’s first job was at Osh Kosh B’Gosh where she remained for 6 years, well into college.
8. Lucky hates Dan Brown. And wishes him a painful death.
9. Gizzy sleeps with a giant stuffed pink flamingo.
10. Lucky is currently on the hunt for a faux fur vest. Eat that, PETA.
11. Gizzy suffers from insomnia which is really hurting her chances at ever getting a real job but enables her to think with new inventors via late night infomercials.
12. Lucky knows how to play one song on the guitar: The Nicest Thing by Kate Nash.
13. Gizzy and Lucky have recently discovered if they attend their 1o year high school reunion it will be exactly like Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion.  Instead of inventing the post it, they have decided to purchase cubic zirconia rings and say their fiances are in London making deals.
14. Lucky wishes MTV would’ve had a second season of “Rich Girls,” starring Ali Hilfiger.
15. Gizzy’s mother agreed to let her name her little sister (Ella) because there is a good chance she will never get to name a child of her own.
16. Lucky knows everyone hates Dane Cook, but she still thinks he is hot and really funny.
17. Gizzy lost her virginity drunk, high, in a frat shower and under blue christmas lights to her ex-boyfriend, and moments later found out he had a new girlfriend. She is scarred for life.
18. Gizzy & Lucky were mildly obsessed with Justin Timberlake’s debut solo album, Justified.
19. Gizzy can text at the rate of 150 wpm.
20. Lucky is convinced that John Mayer is indeed the love of her life. No seriously, she isn’t just saying that. She truly believes that is why love hasn’t worked with anyone else.
21. Gizzy doesn’t care, she will watch Full House reruns and laugh at them like they are new until the day she dies.
22. Lucky auditioned for Playboy when she was in college. No, she didn’t make it. Only because she didn’t eff the photographer.
23. Gizzy strives to be fashionable but fails and fails again.
24. Lucky & Gizzy met over an out-of-control love for Hanson. That, and their phone numbers were one-digit different from each other’s.
25. Gizzy got dumped in high school by a guy with 2 letters for a name who she didn’t know was her boyfriend until he stated, “I just don’t like calling you my girlfriend.”
26. Lucky lives on the second floor of an apartment complex because she thinks she has less of a chance of getting robbed.
27. On senior spring break in high school Gizzy finally drunkenly made out with her high school crush in a bed in her and Lucky’s hotel room, then threw up on him.  A girl who would later become his girlfriend did the exact same thing the following night.
28. Lucky saves all of her ticket stubs.
29. Once Gizzy got hired as the assistant manager of the snack shop at a golf course and got fired after a month for being too awesome.
30. Lucky has never smoked weed. Ever. And she never will.
31. Gizzy firmly believes her life should play out like a romantic comedy.
32. Lucky’s favorite cereal is Lucky Charms. She eats the bread/cereal first, then the marshmallows.
33. Gizzy went to college for pre-med, then discovered frat parties.
34. Lucky & Gizzy purposely bought each other silver flasks for Christmas one year.
35. The only condiment Gizzy will eat is ketchup, and lots of it.
36. Lucky was a bartender in college…and afterward. She got fired for “not being slutty enough.”
37. Gizzy could eat nacho cheese doritos until the cows come home.  Even after stepdad told her he found rat poop in a bag of them once.
38. Lucky has fond memories of riding her tricycle indoors as a child.
39. Gizzy had diarrhea in her pants on the first day of 8th grade during a convocation in the school gym and stayed until the end.
40. Lucky is a Mac. (G too! And damn proud of it!)
41. Once Gizzy flashed an ex-boyfriend in the Red Lobster.
42. One of Lucky’s favorite books is Truman Capote’s, In Cold Blood.
43. Lucky and Gizzy were ecstatic when Kelsey Grammer followed them on twitter.  He is their new favorite celeb.
44. Lucky was the captain of her high school dance team.
45. Her freshman year of high school Gizzy tried to convince a guy to let her practice making out with him for her senior boyfriend. He said no.
46. Lucky & Gizzy played a game of speed on Lucky’s 19th birthday. Instead of beer, they drank screwdrivers. They believe they both barfed glitter, and Lucky was convinced she was going to die at 19.
47. Gizzy refuses to wear the color brown.
48. Lucky hasn’t been able to take a shot of Rumplemintz since she got sick from it. Jager, however, is a different story.
49. Gizzy will go out as a braless hippie as often as possible.
50. Lucky secretly wants to be like Carrie Underwood and marry a professional hockey player (you know, if John Mayer doesn’t come to his senses).
51. This is totally disgusting, but sometimes Gizzy thinks that after a big ol’ poop she’ll have no problem giving birth to a baby.
52. Lucky enjoys every movie featuring Vince Vaughn.
53. Gizzy likes to drink Goldschlager just because the little gold pieces cut your throat and she thinks it makes her more badass.
54. It isn’t a rare thing for Lucky to turn on Bonnie Raitt’s greatest hits and sing a full-fledged concert to no one, using a broom for a microphone.
55. Gizzy has an odd obsession with monkeys.
56. Lucky hasn’t watched an episode of The Office since they ripped the wedding dance from YouTube.
57. If the guys from The Buried Life came to Gizzy’s town and asked what she wanted to do before she died she would say, “Be inducted into the Cyrus family.”
58. If she wasn’t a writer, Lucky would want to be a chef. Maybe one day, she’ll be both.
59. Gizzy’s middle name is Rae.  Gizzy Rae Cyrus, at your service.
60. Lucky is an only child.
61. Gizzy aspires to one day be a good enough bowler that someone will ask her to join a league.
62. In high school, Lucky saw a psychic who told her that her parents would get divorced. And they did.
63. Gizzy likes to play The Sims (nerd alert) and recently forced her male rockstar sim to father 24 children, for funsies.
64. Lucky drinks dark beer, and as far as wine, she loves Merlot and Malbec. Mixed drink? Stoli and soda with one lime.
65. At age 7 Gizzy broke her arm and was stung by a pack of jellyfish.  On the same day.  Which happened to be Easter.
66. Lucky & Gizzy wore acrylic nails their senior year of high school. And it still didn’t help them get guys.
67. Gizzy was kicked out of a bar in college for her friend Dave’s 21st birthday for throwing a glass of water at the bartender because he cut her off.
68. If Lucky could eat one food for the rest of her life, it would be french fries. Or anything with peanut butter.
69. Gizzy tried to 69 once and failed. (Lucky says, for rizzle? How do you fail at that?)(Gizzy says, gravity and weak arms.)
70. Lucky once had a job as a carhop, slinging fried tenderloins and ice cream.
71. Gizzy eats her hamburgers plain with nothing on them.
72. Lucky is certain that Tu-Pac is alive, but not Biggie. She also thinks Aliyah was reincarnated to become Ashanti.
73. Gizzy’s drink choices are as follows: Captain Morgan, Red Wine, and Bud Light Lime.
74. She goes to the movies by herself more than she does with friends.
75. As a child Gizzy idolized Baywatch.
76. Lucky does not have an iPhone. She rocks a red Blackberry curve.
77. Gizzy was kicked out of another bar in college for falling asleep in a booth.
78. Gizzy & Lucky both have horrible eyesight, resulting in contacts and coke bottle glasses.
79. Gizzy was kicked out of a 3rd and final bar in college for standing on a table after the San Diego Chargers beat the Chicago Bears and screaming, “VICTORY BITCHES!” Gizzy does not like football and does not recall this, but heard it happened.
80. Lucky is a jealous person. She is envious of the rich and famous, anyone who is engaged or married, and anyone who drives a nicer car than her.
81. For Halloween in 8th grade Lucky threw a “Dress As Your Favorite Musician” party.  Gizzy dressed as Zac Hanson and Lucky as Alanis Morisette.
82. Lucky has naturally blond hair, but has dyed it dark brown for the last six years.
83. Gizzy will lie about her college gpa to anyone who will listen.
84. Lucky has only been out of the country once, on a cruise to Cozumel. She came close when she visited the Virgin Islands, but it doesn’t count.
85. On her 21st birthday, Gizzy took 26 shots and did not throw up, on her roommates 21st birthday Gizzy took 26 shots and threw up a whole cheesestick.
86. Lucky wants to start reading Lauren Conrad’s book series, and the Style book.
87. Gizzy worked at Victoria’s Secret for 1 month last Christmas in order to get a free bra for going through training.
88. Lucky agrees with ex-countess Luann, that “Money can’t buy you class,” but she still wants a lot of it.
89. Gizzy dry heaves when she sees snakes.
90. Lucky isn’t a movie buff. And she is especially bad at remembering names of actors/actresses.
91. Gizzy and Lucky once made out with the same guy in the same night.  His name was Karl.  They both slept on couches in his frat house living room in sleeping bags.
92. Lucky donates money to the local food bank each Thanksgiving.
93. Gizzy donates her time to the local American Legion Post in order to drink free beer.
94. Lucky doesn’t like Tyra or Oprah, and it’s because they’re annoying, not because they’re black.
95. Gizzy painted her bedroom red in high school and her parents still cringe at the sight of it.
96. Gizzy & Lucky both have huge racks (or, booberries).
97. Gizzy is a certified hypochondriac.
98. Lucky wears a pair of pink argyle slippers around her apartment (or white sweater boots, or leopard slippers).
99. Gizzy and Lucky almost got arrested once for underage drinking while home for the summer from college at a friend’s lakehouse.  The only words exchanged during the encounter: Gizzy to Lucky -> “We’re going to jail.”
100. Lucky has painted all of the paintings in her apartment (total: 8).

Next up on THE FUN FABULOUS 100TH POST DAY… is our pictures.  Aweeee, with captions, how exciting!

That’s me in 6th grade, with my parents. Before they got divorced. And no, I’m not from Miami—although my mom could’ve fooled you with her ring watch and fanny pack and everything.

Hey loser, Lucky! Yep, that’s me in 8th grade, wearing my uniform for the school dance team, the faggots.

That’s Gizzy, on the last day of 8th grade. Don’t worry Giz, Nike Air was cool then. THIS, WAS A ROUGH TIME! Also that is stepdad’s shirt, so embarrassing.

That’s me in high school, probably freshman or sophomore year. And I thought I was Hillary Duff. And I’m carry an Espirit purse. Christ.

Gizzy and I at our friends’ high school graduation party. Yeah, we look so cool in our Hollister gear. Since we are surfers and all.

Gizzy and me on winter break our freshman year of college. Which is why I look disgusting. I mean seriously, the freshman 15 didn’t miss a pound. Gawd.

Gizzy and me about to go to a Hanson concert. We were shitty drunk, I was in my cigarette phase. And still pretty huge. This is the summer before sophomore year in college.

Starting off pictures de Gizzy, we have me here dressed to the nines, clearly, with a fake dog trying to look innocent and sexy.  Moving on…

This is me dressed as Zac Hanson before Lucky’s “Dress As Your Favorite Musician” party in 8th grade.  Obviously, still going through that rough time.  Oh, what’s that framed photo on the wall you ask? Why here, it’s me and my mom’s glamour shots:

Also embarrassing.  But funny story, after we got these done a girl in my class at school stole the proofs and never gave them back.  Obviously she was jealous of my beauty.  I can see why.

Moving on to later in the 8th grade year we have my slumber party.  In the first photo you see we are playing light as a feather stiff as a board with Lucky’s body, obviously it’s working. The second picture is me with my Hanson cake.  That is all.

Here we find Lucky and myself on our last day of school sophomore year in high school.  I like this picture because of Lucky’s luscious half golden locks and my 1 strap tank top.  Christ.

Here we find Lucky getting ready before our senior winter formal posing with her self portrait back there on the wall (she says it’s not a self portrait because it has red hair but I think that’s up for interpretation.)

Here we are all ready to go to the formal.  As each other’s dates, but not before we take each other out to dinner first. And there I am with that awesome 1 strap again. 2003 fashion is so fetch.

Here is me, our friend E, and Lucky on twins day before our senior spring break.  We’re such a good time in our white tee’s and saucy jean skirts and pig tails. I love how I am like, the conservative one here in my long skirt and elbow tee. Fuck my ass.

Here Lucky and I are sitting outside of Hooters on our Senior spring break to Ft. Myers Beach, Florida, this was mere hours before I puked on my crush.  See the smile?

Here we are, the freaks waaaayyy in the back wearing Mardi Gras masks on Bourbon Street in NOLA (Pre-Katrina) where Lucky and I flew in, met up, and joined forces for our fall breaks freshman year of college.  Some may call this foreshadowing, but you can expect us to post a new picture of us on Bourbon Street on New Years *HINT*HINT* OK cats out of the bag.  Lucky and I are joining forces again and flying into New Orleans to party hardy for New Years Eve.  WAHOO!! You know we’ll get some good bloggin’ out of dat!

Here you’ll find me in the front, Lucky in the black, and Jossie peeing… after the bars one night I’m assuming? But who knows. Yes, I used to make it my goal to piss in public after the bars. No really.


Candice Cameron aka DJ TANNER wanted to stop in and say she approves this message.  (Soooo politico, Cameron.)

And the third, and final, part of this blog (the longest one in the world, sorry, WAKEUP) is LUCKY & GIZZY do 100 men. Ok, so maybe not “do” but meet. We’re going to split the job 50-50.

There are no rules to this game, we don’t have to give 100 guys our phone numbers or go on 100 dates.  We simply must meet 100 men and acquire the following information before January 1, 2011:

1. Name We really don’t need to waste our time with names, we’re assigning them each a number between 1 and 100.  How’s that for a study? Take that, bastards!

2. Relationship Status [criss, cross, applesauce that they’re all single!]

3. Age

4. Occupation (ugh)

5. Fun fact

We’ll give a description of what they look like too and if the cards are right we will get a picture of/with them, if it turns into more and we give them our number/get theirs, well that will be better for you because we’ll probably get a good lil bloggy out of it.  But we have got a lot of work to do.  We’re shooting for a 10% phone number range, as in we each expect to be talking to at least 5 guys by the end of this little game.  We won’t be telling the guys what we’re doing, although when they see us diligently typing notes into our blackberry’s they might figure it out, we’ll never tell.  So strap down your seatbelts and strap on your condoms, (strap on your dildos?)the rest of this year is about to be a wild ride…Day 1 starts now!

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Lettuce, tomato, sub the gf for mayo.

Every Sunday night I have a writer’s meeting—you might remember last weekend when I mentioned burger guy. He writes with me at the magazine and he also flips burgers. And he is kind of cute. But he flips burgers. And, it’s The year of the No.

Naturally, I wanted to stalk him on Facebook and get the scoop (er, the flip). And what I found was quite disturbing. Not only does he have a girlfriend, but he has an ugly girlfriend. Of course he does, right? And I also discovered that he recently turned 24…wamp, wamp, WAMP! Not only did he just turn 24 in September, but for his 24th birthday, he wore a sombrero. And hung out with his girlfriend.

I know what you’re saying—but Lucky, he hasn’t even shown interest, so why do you care? Because I have no life, that’s why. Well, and because, let’s face facts, this Year of the No thing is new. I’m used to going after what I want, persistence, people!

But at last Sunday’s meeting, my editor made a comment about his girlfriend, so he was forced to admit that “Yes, I do have a girlfriend,” right in front of me. So it’s all out in the open now, so he can keep his flirty eyes and funny jokes away from my lady parts.

In other news, remember Townie? Well, even Townie has a girlfriend. Which I naturally discovered through Facebook stalking. He was tagged in a photo that came up on my newsfeed, where there was a girl tagged. I clicked on the girl’s name and her profile picture was of her and Townie, side by side, tailgating. I then notice her and I have one friend in common, aside from Townie—a dyke from high school.

Now, Townie’s new girlfriend isn’t very attractive, but then again, Townie is a huge doucher. I’m not sad, I’m actually quite appalled that Townie found someone needy enough to hang out with him. I wonder if he picks fights with soldiers right when they get back from Iraq in front of his new gf???

Anyway, I’m in a different state of mind now and I need to be focusing on different men. Ones that fall into the categories one Ms. Patti Stanger has set out before me. One of Patti’s assignments, if you recall, was to think of 10 non-negotiable things I want in a man. I’m supposed to put them in priority, using 4 categories—spiritual, physical, emotional, and mental. Chemistry is the one “given.”

So here we go, kids.

Lucky’s Top Ten List for Mr. Right

1. Trustworthy

This is a huge thing for me, as I’m sure it is for most people. But I don’t think any relationship that I’ve had has been honest, so this would rank higher than #1 if that was even possible. I don’t want to have any question in my mind that the person I’m dating is doing what they say they’re doing. I don’t even want to think about the possibility of them cheating, or being untruthful. Now that I want to kill myself…

2. Intelligent

I debated between putting this as number 2 or 3, because they are both so important to me. However, you can’t be a dumbass and get along with me. Now, I’m no genius, and I’m aware of that fact. But I am well-educated, and I like to partake in great conversation. So I expect my boyfriend to be my match, or even, a little bit smarter than me—even if it’s in different areas than I know.

3. Humorous

If a guy doesn’t have a healthy sense of humor, we will never get along. I joke, I’m sarcastic, I say fuck when I meet a person{except important business associates or family}—if a guy can’t laugh at that, then there is no future with us. I love to laugh, I love making people laugh, and I want to be around someone who enjoys my sense of humor, but has one of their own.

4. Kind-hearted

Now, it may seem like I’m just a hard ass, but for those of you who witnessed my emotional downfall with The Has Been Matt McFaggot, you know I have a heart. I am someone who cares deeply for my friends and family. In dating, I want nothing more that to be a part of someone’s life and for them to be a part of mine.

5. Hard-working

Okay, this one is difficult. Of course, I appreciate and want to be around someone who is hard working. Although it seems like I sit around my office with my thumb up my ass all day, I do hustle—working several jobs at once. And that’s been my story for most of my working life. However, as Gizzy has pointed out to me, I tend to be attracted to men who like to work a little TOO much. I call this the daddy syndrome—my dad has always worked hard, but sometimes to the point where his family didn’t see him much because of it. Every guy I’ve seriously dated has put me on the back burner for work. No more!

6. Sexy

If a guy has made it this far down on the list, I would say he’s probably pretty damn sexy. Of course, I could sit here and say I want a guy with a certain hair, eyes, washboard abs, etc. But, that’s not really what I’m looking for. I’ve never even dated anyone that looked like that. For me, it truly is personality first.

Having said that, Fratty looks goooood. So it’s a good thing I’m keeping it light.

7. Family-oriented

This, like hard-working, is a difficult one for me. I want a guy to value family of course, but I also want him to want me to be around his family and be a part of it. I’ve been with guys who never want me to meet their parents {and no, I don’t cuss when I meet the parents} and I’ve been with guys who hang with their families so much they don’t want to hang out with me. I need a balance—someone who values family, wants me to meet their family fairly early in the relationship, but isn’t obsessed with it.

8. Thankful

This is the first time I’ve thought about having a man who is thankful. But in reality, I’m a great girlfriend. I cook, I clean, I look good, I’m smart, and I’m funny—I’m your next wet dream. I’m willing to do all of that with very little in return. But I do want a thank you. A meaningful thank you. If I don’t get that, I won’t do those things anymore. I also notice appreciation other places and for other people. I always say thank you to my waiter, bartender, coworkers, etc., and I notice that in others.

9. Selfless

Rarely do I date a guy who doesn’t think about himself, in more ways than one. Of course, I want a guy who has his own life, which is why I put this toward the bottom of the list. However, it would be nice to know that my guy is thinking about me, even if by just sending me a text message saying so.

10. Spiritual

Gizzy was shocked by this, because I’m not the most spiritual person in the world. But being spiritual is different than being religious. I am spiritual, I do believe in a higher being, but my beliefs aren’t sharpened just yet. But they may be one day, and I want someone who will support me in that. I do not want to date an Athiest.

Welp, there you have it kiddos! My list of needs and wants for Mr. Right. And it’s time we face the truth—John Mayer meets all of those needs and wants. So track him down, bag him up, and send him to my office straight away. Wow, Patti Stanger really DOES know her shit!

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