Tag Archives: lappy

And a sext message in a pear tree…

Does it make me a tool if I looooooveeee full coverage underwear? I’m not talking like full on grannies.  I’m talking about boy shorts that cover everything.  I just put on a fresh pair and my area is in France and everybody is in bed for the night.

Side note: Just got this text from The Captain, “On a scale of 1 to 10 how good is my body? Be honest.”  I bet you guys can’t waaaaiiiit to hear what happened.  Mwhahaaaaa.

Anyway, back to my underwear.  I had a hankering for some Mcdonald’s last night after I saw the episode of Sex and The City where Carrie throws le filet o fish and le big mac at Mr. Big, so I got up out of my bed and went and got me some.  When I returned home and was walking through my garage I stepped in something wet and slipped and nearly fell to my death when my ass smacked the ground in my full coverage underwear.  It took that for me to realize I had just gone to Mcdonald’s wearing no shoes, no bra, and no pants.   After I heard my ass hit the cement I decided it was time to start working out.  After I ate my Big Mac and fries. MONOPOLY!

I rolled out of bed in the morning and power walked a 5k.  I was pretty proud of myself but I seriously think I was 10 steps away from  a heart attack.  I only weigh 115 pounds but it’s about 110 pounds of flub.  My heart was the little engine that could and it held out but I don’t know what I’m going to do about this.  All I can picture is my little heart in my chest with his fists up trying to punch the Hamburgler in the face to fight off the fat and grease but his reach is too short and the Hamburgler wins. And the Hamburgler WINS!  If I die of a heart attack I want you to make sure my headstone says EXACTLY this, “To the victor go the spoils, the Hamburgler wins again!”

Now that I am simultaneously writing this blog and sexting with The Captain I’ll just go ahead and spill the I’m Sorry I Suck beans.  The Plan was supposed to go into action Sunday afternoon.  I was all set up with rope (duct tape) and a blindfold (t-shirt) to teach The Captain a lesson.  We walked in his apartment after work and find Raymundo, The Captain’s asian french speaking roommate, sitting on a bean bag looking like he had no intentions of going anywhere for a while. While The Captain went and changed out of his polar bear costume:

I had a little chitty chat with Raymundo where he told me his plans for the day were to sit infront of the tv and start watching Dexter from season 1.  He had rented all 5.  Hooray! So I pushed the plan back and told The Captain I had to skeedattle.  I didn’t want to do it with Raymundo there because what’s the fun in that if he gets untied 5 minutes after I leave? I probably should’ve just manned up and done it because it’s all only getting more intense, he’s starting to call regularly and want to see me regularly and I am beginning to run out of excuses and he’s not bad at sexting either, anybody wanna see a little word porn? OK! Here’s what he sent me tonight, keep in mind my responses were nothing like his and topped out at an OMG, OH WOW, or yeah that sounds good.

Captain: Do you like soft kisses up your body then my hand grabbing your hair and just… you know.

Captain: What about a massage then soft kisses on your neck and down your back

Captain: Well do you like feathers? Me not touching you blowing feathers up and down your chest then stomach then massage you wherever you want (the feather thing is totes from 40 days and 40 nights, ah Josh Hartnett)

*OK, So right here is where I felt I needed to contribute to the conversation so I said what about whipped cream? Continue…*

Captain: Whipped cream is too sticky, I’ll just lick you.  I love to lick even though someone doesn’t like it but I’m good at it just a side note

Sccccreeeeeeeeettttttccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

That’s the sexting bus wheels coming to a fucking stop.  You love to lick even though SOMEONE doesn’t like it.  He’s going to have to pay another $19.95 if he wants this session to continue.  I don’t think so.  I replied saying goodnight.  Hopefully he gets that next time why not just invite Captain’s Crystal into the conversation so she can add her 2 cents in as well.  Christ.

He also sent me a good morning text today and a little treat for you all:

Basically the EXACT same picture as last time only closer, but totally completely different.  I mean gosh.  But this one is different and borders on pornographic so kids, hide your eyes! BLINDFOLDS!

So I apologize that this was not my last post about The Captain, but it’s coming, hopefully before anything else too crazy happens, Captain’s Crystal just posted on my facebook wall asking me to go out with then tonight.   THIS IS JUST MADNESS!! Just hang on to your little pirate hats and we’ll be on our way…

In other boy news I got a friend request on facebook the other day from none other than, are you ready for it ready for it, drumroll please……….

DOUCHEAROO!!!!

I pondered accepting for a while, because I can still creep on his ugly ass because his profile is open however mine is closed.  Did I really want him looking at my pictures? I look good, so why the hell not.  I accepted.  For the blog. I give the new friend status a week to marinate before I get a text saying, “Hey facebook friend,” mark my words.  1 week.  If I have nothing to blog about that day, maybe I’ll respond to stir the drama pot a little.  1 week.

And I got another rejection letter from a company, I’m starting to get really upset:

Dear Gisabelle,

Thank you for your continued interest in BP and the position of Fart Knocker. We regret to inform you that BP
has decided not to progress with the selection of any candidates for this particular position.

We would like to invite you to apply for other positions that are closely aligned with your qualifications and interests as they arise. To access these opportunities through BP™s website go to
http://www.bp.com/careers. We encourage you to register for job alerts by
creating a Search Agent that will notify you about future opportunities that may be of interest.

Again, thank you for considering BP as a potential employer. We wish you every success with your career.

Sincerely,

BP Global Recruitment

So don’t hate me because I applied to BP.  I NEED A JOB! I figured that no one else is going to apply there because people want to blow them up so why wouldn’t they hire me? Instead they decide to hire NO ONE.  Like, fucking come on!? Give a girl a break.  If anyone out there reading this feels sorry enough for me to give me a job in finance email me cocktailsattiffanys@gmail.com I promise I’m not as big of a sloth as I seem.  I’ll relocate!

And that’s where I hit rock bottom.  Begging readers for a job.

Well it’s almost time for the Teen Mom repeat, I’ve had 5!!!!! redbulls and I am ready for this hour and a half finale.  I cannot wait.  So glad I made it out of my teenage years without getting preggers.  God bless abstinence and crooked teeth. Amen.

P.S. Welcome back Lappy!

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You’re canned, Soup.

I would like to apologize for making you all listen to me whine about my shitastic life lately. But then again, this is pretty much why Gizzy & I created this blog. So there.

But today is a new day, and you know what? Something amazingly awesome happened to me yesterday. I was really missing my lappy. I mean, I pretty much live on that thing when I get home from work—I do freelance, write for the bloggy…I’m writing a damn book for cheese’s sake and what’s a writer without her trusty lappy?

Lazy. That’s what.

So I decided to call Dr. Apple, just to check on things. To my surprise, they said lappy had just finished recovery and was ready to be taken home. Woohoo! I was excited to have my computer back, but I was less than thrilled at the estimated price they’d given me—$500. Yeah, I should’ve invested in a new one, but I’ll be jobless in January (a perfect name for a Dear Abby letter) and could use the extra cash.

Anyway, I show up at Apple, give them my claim ticket and they bring me sweet lappy. The guy gives me a form to sign and date, and then says this:

“Well, alright. We are good…you don’t owe us anything.”

You. Don’t. Owe. Us. ANYTHING.

I tried not to look shocked, because I’m nearly certain this is a glitch on their part. I just said, okay thank you, and ran out of there like a fucking criminal. You should see this beautiful thing—they gave me a new screen, a new casing, and a new freaking touchpad and keyboard. For free.

And THAT’s why they call me Lucky.

To celebrate, I bought lappy a new sleeve—a nice, spongy Lacoste one, in navy blue. He really likes it. But he misses foam finger.

But enough about lappy! It’s time I tell you something I’ve been thinking about. Gizzy & I have taken a liking to many-a-blog in the WordPress world. But we particularly enjoy Simply Solo. I like to read her stuff and she gives good advice, not gonna lie. Now, if I’m not mistaken, Simply Solo, err Catherine, is partaking on a “Year of the Yes” journey. I don’t think it’s anything official, or anything, she just wants to try new things and if a guy asks her out, she’ll say yes. Which I think is cool.

Well I know my love life has been in the shitter and frankly, I just need to get over it. But, it’s time I get proactive on love’s ass! And with that, I bring you my very own experiment: The Year of the No.

I know, I know what you’re saying—Lucky, how can you be proactive if you’re saying no all the time? Let me explain. First of all, Catherine, I love you (and no, you don’t have to say it back), but I say yes too much. It’s time I put my foot down. I’m not saying no to dates, but I think once I go on a date I need to say no more.

For example, Gizzy & I have both always answered to boyfriends, or even guys we are just dating. If we couldn’t hang out with them, we’d tell them why, and then feel guilty about it.

Just say no!

Or initiating a phone or text conversation. Just say no!

See how that works? I know you all think I’m crazy. So I wanted to use some tips from one Ms. Patti Stanger—you know, The Millionaire Matchmaker (new season starts soon)? Here is what she says:

****TIME OUT: Literally, after I typed that line up there, the effing power went out in my office building. That was around 8:15. No one, absolutely no one in the office even acknowledged that the power was out, they just left us sitting there with no lights, no computer.

Let me make something clear. I work on a website all day. So you tell me how the fuck I am supposed to get a damn thing done. And by that, I clearly mean this blog entry. So I sat at my desk and read a book for an hour, then I left to go home. I’ve been at home for an hour and they just sent out an e-mail saying the power was back on. Guess who isn’t going back in? THIS girl. Faggots. TIME IN****

1. Make a top 10 non-negotiable list of the things you want in your man.

Patti says to put them in priority, using 4 categories: spiritual, physical, emotional, and mental. Chemistry is the one given. This is something I’ve never done and will probably serve as an entirely new blog entry. I know you can’t wait.

2. Make a plan of action. What are you doing every week to meet your mate?

She says I should go to one event, party or place where eligible men are. Wow, I’m way too lazy for this kind of action.

3. Always date a pair and a spare. You must always date 3 men at a time.

The first man is the front-runner, the second you aren’t sure about, and the third will most likely become a friend. Patti says this will fill up my time to keep my mind off the one I really want {this is where the Year of the No comes into play}. I’ve never dated 3 men at once, so this might take some serious getting used to.

4. Marketing 101…package yourself in a sexy way.

This is easy, right?

5. Smile the 5 second flirt.

When I see a man I like, I’m supposed to smile for 5 seconds, hold the gaze, then look away. If he walks over to me, he’s into it. If not, then he isn’t. Ok, simple simple.

6. Go out alone. Those who travel in packs do not attract.

Patti suggests to go to a male-friendly bar/restaurant, just before 5pm on a weekday, order and drink and an appetizer, a book, and guys will approach me. I have no problem going out to dinner, movies, shopping, etc, alone. But a bar? Damn Patti, you’re really making this tough!

7. Let the man lead and all will be revealed.

This is REALLY what I’m talking about with the Year of the No. I often approach guys at bars, initiate most conversations, etc. It works in the beginning, but not in the long run.

8. Do not sleep with a man unless you are in an exclusive relationship where he has discussed exclusivity/monogamy with you in the sober light of day.

Not to sound like a giant slutbag, but I’ve only done this once in my life. And it still didn’t work out, so I’m going to have to put my va-jay-jay on lock down for awhile {Fratty is excluded because I’m not trying to date him}. Bummer.

9. Be reliable…do not flake. Following through is the key to success.

By this, Patti says to return a man’s call within 48 hours. I return the call in 10 minutes, because that’s how desperate I am. I’m telling you, the Year of the no.

10. Qualify the buyer.

For every 4 questions a man asks me, I’m to ask one. INTERESTING.

11. Do not date a man for more than a year.

Patti says if the marriage talk hasn’t happened by the 9-month mark, let him know calmly about the time table. Don’t bring it up again. On the one-year anniversary, tell him you don’t see eye-to-eye on the future, wish him well and leave. I surely hope this doesn’t happen to me, but damn I like this advice.

12. Do not live with a man prior to marriage.

Agreed.

So, there you have it. Of course, Patti Stanger recently got dumped by her fiance, so I’ll take her advice with a grain of salt. I will keep my eyes open for more advice from other professionals. In the meantime, I need to get working on my top ten list!

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