Tag Archives: lets make a deal

Leave my booberry’s alone!!!!

Last night my roommate (mom) made an interesting observation and it got my wheels turning, which doesn’t happen very often.  She walked in my room to ask about my latest bout with the police and some speeding tickets I had acquired and failed to mention, but mid conversation she interrupted herself asking very loudly, “ARE YOU EATING BOOBERRY’S AND WATCHING AMERICA’S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS?!!!! NO WONDER YOU DON’T HAVE A JOB!” I said, “Mom’s I’m right here you don’t have to yell.”  She went on about how when she was 25 she had a 2 year old baby, a mortgage, TWO car payments, and a husband to look after.  I simply explained that it was her choice and that I’m sure had she explored her options grandma would have let her live at home into her late 20’s and fed her whatever cereal she fancied.  Then she asked if I would be sitting at my dining room table in the mornings eating booberry’s with my kids and watching cartoons.  I told her that I imagined I would.  I mean I’m sorry, no offense to you people that eat your wheaties and your raisin bran, but what the fuck.  When I eat those cereals I may as well be licking cardboard and if I am going to splurge with the cals on something in my day by god it is going to be booberry’s to start my day out right.  As I’m finishing up the last few bites of booberry’s and sipping my milk my roommate gets annoyed and grabs my bowl o booberrys out of my hands and takes it to the kitchen. So there I was left with booberry milk drizzle down my chin to tide me over until morning. Now, on to America’s funniest home videos.  It’s my favorite show, Lucky hates it, but I think whoever thought of it was genius and it is basically my life goal to be the person in charge of what goes on the show.  Imagine this, I’m at my high school reunion sitting at the V.I.P. table eating my booberry’s when my high school crush walks up and asks if he can have some booberry’s I say, “I guess” and snap my fingers at my personal assistant to get him a bowl of booberry’s and he asks what I do and I tell him, “I get paid to watch home videos.”  Imagine the things I would see, forget the news.  AFV is where you learn things.

This all made me think about how much I have really grown up.  Which is not much.  I still love spaghettios, lunchables, and fruit snacks.  But now I think asparagus tastes alright but I will never think sausage is cool.  It looks like a dehydrated turd.  Think about that the next time you order a meatlovers pizza, dehydrated turds baked right in! And they’re chewy. How can you sausage lovers live with yourselves?

As you can tell I am searching for everything and anything to blog about because my life is spiraling down the toilet.  So, I have decided to share my life goals, which is mostly a list of occupations I would like to have, in no particular order:

1. Host The Price Is Right, Let’s Make A Deal, AND The Family Fued (MULTI-TASKER)

2. Be in charge of picking out background music for Gossip Girl

3. Be Donald Trump

4. Win Miss America

I actually enrolled myself in my alma mater’s Miss America foundation pageant, the winner got to go to the state pageant and the winner of that went on to Miss America.  I show up to the call out and the first thing they do is say, “At SHIT U this is not a beauty pageant, we judge solely on your interview and speech.”  Take note, if it was a beauty pageant I would have won.  Not because I’m so jaw dropping beautiful or anything but my school was 70% male and 30% female and 20% of the females were from foreign countries where they don’t believe in bathing or into agriculture so they all smelled and had personal hygiene problems, we’re talking about cow dung under the nails hygiene problems.  IF it was a beauty contest I would’ve been a shoe in but IF it was a beauty contest my competition would have been different.  Apparently the other hygienic girls of SHIT U had already gotten this memo so I got up and walked out.  I mean seriously they were going to judge me based on what kind of speech I could put together about cow’s with colon cancer rather than how good my boobs look in a bikini, which is what they would be judged on in the next round? NEXT.  I should’ve transfered schools right then and there because now I am too old and I feel like I really missed my calling.  A girl that had quarter of an inch long hair, black nail polish, and was wearing the earrings that stretch the holes in your ears out is the one who won.  I made all my friends go with me to the pageant for my 21st birthday and I sat in the back row and sobbed because not only did she take MY crown that  I would have paraded around campus in so gloriously she didn’t even show up to the state pageant and forfeit any chance at Miss America.  I also went out to the bars for the first time the night of the pageant wearing a tiara my friends had bought me for my birthday signing autographs and telling people I won Miss SHIT U earlier that day.  Yep.

5.  Win an Olympic medal for gymnastics (Also now too old and rickety for this)

6. Be a homemaker

7. Be a world renowned surgeon and marry a hot doctor (EXACTLY like on Grey’s Anatomy)

8.  Find someone to marry who looks exactly like Josh Duhamel 😦

9. Marry a celebrity

10. Teach every cheating lying asshole in the world A LESSON.  mwhahaa

11. Be president.

12. Stop eating old candy out of my purse.

As you can see, I am in serious need of a life coach to pull me out of my childhood la la land (because my goals haven’t changed much since I was 10) and send me back to reality.  I honest to god think I am accomplish these goals what with having no background in any of them.  I can do it!

Well, tonight I will be traveling back to SHIT U to get my drinky on.  Drama to look forward to: The Captain, The Captain’s Crystal, HOTTIE MCHOTTERSON & CO, Merdie, and possibly douchearoo will all be in attendance.  Something eventful to spice up my life and yours will surely be happening in t-minus 9 hours. Tick tock!

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I know I look high…

Yesterday embarked the day that I may have actually gotten myself a joberoo.  I took my test at Gargles Swab and passed. GO ME! I HAVE A PULSE! So I went back yesterday for an “Info Session,” you would think that they were hiding out the president or at least Lindsay Lohan in this bitch the way security was.  Like first you’re going into a gated parking lot so the attendant has to verify you don’t look like you’re going to blow the place up, then once you get inside the building they hold you in a little glass box and make you talk to security through an intercom while they watch you on cameras, then you have to approach the security desk, give them your drivers license so they can scan it and make sure you’re not a terrorist and then they give you a visitor’s badge, then you wait for the person who your appointment is with to come and escort you where you need to go.  I mean that’s a lot of shit to do.  You know me, here’s how I fucked it up…

I made it through round 1 with the parking attendant and whilst I’m chillaxin in the glass box the man on the intercom asks me why my eyes are bloodshot.

First I clear my throat, then I lean in so far that I’m basically tonguing the intercom, “Ehem, I got shampoo in my eyes.”

“Miss Gizzy, you can step away from the intercom, we can hear you just fine.”

Still tonging the intercom, “OH! Ok!”

“Miss have you been using drugs today?”

Taking a few seconds too long to ponder, “No.  No I have not.”

Then they buzz me in.  Typically when a buzzer goes off that means the door is open right? Wrong! I try and walk through the door and slam into it with my face.  When I finally made it through the pearly gates I see the woman who is in charge of if I get hired standing there chatting about my drug use with security.  As soon as we get into the “training room,” they let us know that some of us (me) may be subject to random drug screening pending employment.   Which is fine, I really did get shampoo in my eyes so their drug test can suck my big fat pee sample.   The things we do for a salary.

Later in the training room I caught myself eating old candy out of my purse again.  Then I wondered if any of the 7 other people in the room noticed, so I got nervous and my mouth got dry and my body rejected the candy in an attempt to give me any kind of moisture in my mouth and I hacked it up.  So here I am, red faced, red eyed, hacking up an old milk dud in front of my potential new employer.   If they hire me I will be impressed with not only myself but their lack of good judgement.

Side note: Here is the picture text I just received from The Captain of his “Teddy Bunny”

Which is what I told him to text me a picture of instead of his naked body.  Then I asked him what the deal was with the tiny fish in the background, cause what is he like 6? And he sends me this:

Which is kind of neat that he did himself.  But still reminds me of something a child would have on their wall.  He redeemed himself by telling me what the deal is with him and his girlfriend and saying that he is “done with it” and that talking to me is the “highlight of his day” these are all things I’ve heard before and I don’t believe it.  Why? Because he is a man and men are lying cheating scumlords.  I reciprocated by sending him a picture of Mercedes driving a Uhaul since he knows her too.  Then he tells me that’s not the kind of picture he was thinking of.  I mean what, you want me to send you a naked picture? OK! Then I can’t be Miss America if you leak the picture, you really think I’m going to waste my 1 shot at fame on sending you a nudie pic? NO SIREE!

I can just see the headlines now, “Gizzy forced to give up reigning title of Miss America due to naked text picture sent to Captain Morgan.” CHRIST! Who does he think I am? Pamela Anderson? I don’t just go around flopping my junk out for whoever wants to take a peak.

On that note, I think I better get to bed.  I have big plans to wake up and watch Let’s Make A Deal and The Price Is Right tomorrow morning.  God I love game shows.

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