Tag Archives: marriage

The Welcome Back Party

Herrooo old friends!!! I’m going to be totally honest and tell you that I have no good excuse for going AWOL for a hot minute. Lucky and I have been talking for a few months about resurrecting the blog because we’re both kind of in the same place in our lives and we’ve got some things planned in the next few months that will probably be semi-entertaining to read about, so we thought better now than never! I just know I really haven’t been up to much the last couple of years and my life would have been SO boring to read about, unless you’d love to read about me trotting around the country drinking with my friends or recaps of Teen Mom and The Bachelor, in which case – I’m your girl!

After the whole Nutter Butter breakup and my failed attempt at dating a super-hot guy fresh out of college 2 years ago, I decided that I was tired of guys treating me like I was disposable and dating needed to be my last priority, so I stopped dating. It wasn’t long before it became really apparent to me that when you’re in your late 20s and you stop dating, that also means you stop having sex (side note: that doesn’t mean I didn’t TRY to have sex. I did try, with a really hot guy in the Navy that I met while I was out celebrating my 29th birthday. It is surprisingly hard to get a guy to just hook up with you and promise to never call you again.) When I came up with this plan I was about to turn 28 and hadn’t been without a guy since I was 14. I was serial dating all the wrong guys, knowing they were the wrong guys, but continuing to date them because I didn’t know how to be alone. And, what girl in her 20s doesn’t think she can rid a guy of all his bad habits? The stuff that I let those douchers get away with doing to me is so shameful, and I finally realized that if I didn’t take the time I needed to figure out who I was without a boyfriend, I would continue to date these awful guys and would probably end up married to and then divorced from one of them. If this is the part where you expect me to tell you that I finally met Prince Charming (See: Neal Bledsoe), then look away now, because that didn’t happen. I’m still single, but more stable and [I would hope] able to make better decisions. And when I say “better decisions,” I mean in the long run, I’m totally not opposed to bad decisions that are short term/one night stands with hot guys because… 2 years.

Also, this isn’t a post about self-discovery. I mean, come on, look who you’re talking to here: I’m still totally inappropriate and get way too drunk with my friends, albeit a lot less frequently now that we’re maturing. I’m still not really sure what I want to do with my life, but I finally realized that I’m not going to figure it out by dating assholes that cheat on me and have the audacity to manipulate me into thinking I deserved it. LOLZ – the fact that those things ever happened is so stupid, but it makes me pretty happy to know it’s all documented on this blog.

The whole “I’m not dating at all” concept is perplexing to basically everyone I tell. All my friends and family have tried to set me up so many times, like SO many times, these last 2 years and would then get super offended when I turned down the offer because they don’t understand why I would choose to be alone while I’m in my prime baby making years. Uh, maybe because guys are man whores and I don’t feel like being emotionally drained and worrying about STDs all the time? I don’t know! I’ve ruined a few friendships with guy friends who thought this stint of singledom would be the best time to finally ask me out. I know telling someone not to take it personal is almost always bullshit, and it is still total bullshit in my case because of course if the perfect guy came along (See: Neal Bledsoe above) I wouldn’t have turned him down, but I wasn’t about to waste my time or theirs when I already knew I wouldn’t be that into it. I’m pretty sure my family thinks I’m a lesbian (as long as Neal is still out there that’ll never happen) since I’m not married and don’t have a bunch of babies, because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re from a small town. My Grandma sat me down for a serious conversation a few months ago about getting artificially inseminated so I could have a family, there’s a cute guy at her church she thinks would do it – and by do it she meant jizz in a cup, not actually fuck me. My guy friends that are married have been pushing me to stay single for as long as possible and live the good life, because once you get married it’s a long road of misery, or at least that’s what they tell me. I overheard my Stepdad telling some other family members that it (my love life) will all be okay because I’ll be able to start catching guys on the next round. What’s the next round? Oh it’s just all the guys that got married and popped out a bunch of babies when they were 22 who are now 30 and getting divorced. Exactly what I want, a divorcee with a bunch of babies. Real talk, it’s kind of fun watching everyone squirm because they can’t figure me out. But, I’m almost ready to start dating again, like seeing one more Nicholas Sparks movie alone and then I’ll date anyone with a pulse almost ready.

P.s. As of today, Neal Bledsoe still has not approved my facebook friend request, but I’m okay with it. A few months ago, after 4 ½ years of persistence, he finally acknowledged my existence on twitter. Small victories.

P.p.s. We just got Instagram: Instagram.com/cocktailsattiffanys

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And Then High School Crush Got Engaged

That’s right, you heard correctly.  High School Crush is engaged. If you’re a new reader, just go back in our blog posts about 2 years (or from the beginning, cause he was around then too) and it will all make sense.

Last night when I got home from work I decided to look up Peanut Butta Jelly Time (as I like to call her, aka HSC’s girlfriend/now fiance) on Facebook because I had a hankering he would propose around Christmas. Because he’s one of THOSE guys.  And by one of THOSE guys I mean one of those cheap bastards that pops the question around Christmas so he doesn’t have to get you a Christmas gift on top of the engagement ring.  So a couple posts in I see where she has done a reCRAP of all the cool shit she did in 2013.  The last thing was getting engaged to her best friend, soul mate, better half, love of her life. Gag me. So I scroll down to the next post and see the typical newly engaged couple pic of them: standing up doing a half hug with shit eating grins (her gummy grin still looks exactly like Napoleon Dynamite) on their faces while her hand rests ever so subtly on his chest displaying her new bling (princess cut with the small diamonds surrounding it. Typical of what you see all the 20 somethings wearing.)

In all honesty I am indifferent about it and really don’t give a shit. I’m over him and have been for a long time.  But what I’m not over is that he (along with many other scum buckets) got away with basically two timing his now fiance at the beginning of their relationship.  And she probably has no idea that I was in the picture DAYS before they moved in together. 

This also got me thinking about something I’m sure have mentioned before: I am ALWAYS the girl that guys date/hook-up with/have one last fling with before they find “the one” and get married. I mean, do I have some kind of power that makes these assholes decide they’re ready to settle down, just not with me? 

Here’s the running list of guys this has happened with:

  1. My 2nd long term boyfriend in high school
  2. My first college boyfriend
  3. Snatch (if you remember, he’s how I met Anth and all those characters)
  4. My “football buddy” from college
  5. Bi-polar Ex
  6. High School Crush
  7. HOTTIE MCHOTTERSON
  8. Nutter Butter (not engaged YET, but says he’s currently with “the one”
  9. Snoop-Linus (also not engaged YET,  but has been with the same girl since we broke up like 4 years ago.)

Now here’s the list of exes that aren’t engaged/still in a relationship with the person they dated after me:

  1. My first long term high school boyfriend
  2. Douchearoo

It would seem that the way this weighs out is a little more than a coincidence, right?

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14. List your secret behaviors.

LUCKY
  1. Eating whatever I want/weird foods. Since I am single and live alone, I can eat whatever I want. Marshmallows with peanut butter? Yep. Chips and dip for dinner? Sure. I usually eat pretty healthy, so most of the time I’m just thankful that no one is around to see my boring meals (last night I had turkey cutlets and butternut squash).
  2. Wearing no pants. My fuck buddy knows this about me, but that’s about it. When I’m at home, it’s pants off, dance off.
  3. Dance parties/concerts for Blanche. It is not a rare day when I turn on some tunes, grab the broom and lip sync my ass off, complete with dance moves. I sometimes even give shout outs to no one, “This song is dedicated to…” Yeah. That’s real.

GIZZY

Who’s scared to read this after yesterday’s confession? Bwhahaha.

  1. Sometimes I pretend I’m on a reality show in my every day life.
  2. I like to watch videos of my celebrity crushes before I go to bed so I have dreams of hanging out with them.
  3. My dog and I do a choreographed dance number every day when I get home from work. Ok, I dance and he jumps around following me.

 

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11.Describe what you think your life will be like in 5,10 & 20 years.

LUCKY

GAH. This is so scary to me.

Part of me feels like so much happens in a year, so it’s so difficult to predict, but then again, I’ve had my same job for close to 6 years (wow, that was hard to type) and I’m still single after 12 years of dating, so…

In five years, I’d say it’s still possibly likely that I’ll be at this job because I have very little motivation. Perhaps I’ll live in a different place, have different friends, maybe I’ll meet a guy (ha. ha. ha.), but I don’t see any DRASTIC changes…

Ten years? Shit. I hope I’m not still single. I hope I’m not still living in the same spot…and DAMN I hope I’m not doing the exact same job.

In Twenty years…I don’t even know. I hope I’m a little more stable all around. I hope my finances are in order and I hope I’m happy with whatever my life brings. That’s my wish always; that I can be happy and satisfied in my own skin, doing whatever it is I’m doing.

GIZZY

This is going to be a giant list of how I HOPE my life is in 5, 10, and 20 years. With a small bit of actual reality mixed in.

In 5 years I will be 33, which isn’t THAT scary of an age. But I will say that I know I will have more money because all my student loans will be paid off, and my car will be paid off (unless I wreck it and have to buy a new one, knock on wood).  So I am actually kind of looking forward to 5 years from now because it’ll be nice to have more disposable income. I would like to think that I’ll have found a nice well rounded guy that is hot and doesn’t look at or think about other women (ie Zac Efron. P.s. Zac, call me! ;)). I’m starting to job hunt now in a city across the country that I love and have have always wanted to live in. So hopefully I’ll have made that happen by then.  But I would really like to think I won’t still be doing accounting/finance stuff, and I’ll have found my true passion and be working toward new goals in that.

In 10 years I will be 38, which is scary because that’s almost 40. If I’m going to have kids I should have had them by this point, so I think my life will be busied by work during the day and taking care of kids and (hopefully) a husband in the evenings.

In 20 years I’ll be 48. That is fucking scary to think about. That means my Mom will be 71 and my Dad 73, and I don’t like the thought of them getting into their 70s and 80s because that’s when most people die. So I’m not going to think about it, I’m just going to say that since I’m the bomb.com, I will be retired and vacationing all over the World.  With my husband Zac Efron.

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10. What’s something you’ve learned about yourself this year?

SORRY GUYS! I dropped the ball and forgot about day 10. Please forgive me.

LUCKY

Every year around this time, like most people I’m sure, I think about the year gone by. And each year, I think, “Wow, this year has really been tough.”

And it’s true, I’ve been through a lot these past few years, and this year is no different. But I’m actually starting to realize just how STRONG I am. I made it through a really, really tough relationship that could’ve changed the course of my life forever if I didn’t get out.

But I’m out, and even though I am still healing from it, I know things are getting better.

The other part of this question is things we’re still learning about ourselves…and one thing I’m still learning and working on is being non-judgmental. For the most part, I am free of judgment, but I know it creeps up sometimes, and it’s really something I’m working on.

GIZZY

I’ve learned that at this juncture in my life I’m a better me when I’m alone.  And by alone I mean boyfriend/crushless. Since I started high school I have always had a guy, a guy that I liked, a guy I was dating, sometimes multiple guys. In high school I felt like I kind of had my pick of any guy I wanted, and I called the shots. I didn’t care about what my boyfriends were doing, who they were talking to, and shitty things they did didn’t upset me because I didn’t tolerate it.  I knew that I was the shit and that I treated them well and they couldn’t find better. So if they did something shitty I dumped them on the spot and moved on to the next guy.  In college those waters started to get murky because I didn’t have my pick of any guy which made me care more/obsess about the guys that I did date, mostly over their every move thinking they were all cheating on me (I was right, they were!). But the last few years I’ve missed the carefree girl that did whatever she wanted with no regard to someone who didn’t treat her right and I feel like this year I’ve started to get that piece of me back.  I finally “learned” that the adult me is just as awesome.  I also learned that not giving a fuck is way easier than giving a fuck about people that treat you badly.

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7. Describe your perfect man/woman.

These are all so HARD.

Ever since all of the stuff with D, I feel really defeated in love.

I used to have this list of all these things I wanted in a man. And sometimes, I’ve gotten some of the things on that long list. But no matter who or what, that guy turns out to be an asshole. And now I’m in this place where I associate all of those good qualities I once wanted, with the bad ones that I got.

Like, yeah he looked great in a baseball hat…but he was controlling.

Hrmph.

So…my dream guy…looks like Zac Efron…smells like Abercrombie (or anything mountain-lodgey)…is sweet to me… thinks I’m awesome… tells me I’m beautiful… is funny… smart… honest… doesn’t lie to me or cheat on me… actually he pretty much is Zac Efron’s character in the Lucky One, okay, I said it.

The older I get and the more single I become the more convoluted my fantasy man becomes. Right now I’d like it to be a mix between Zac Efron, Bruno Mars, Ryan Gosling, and Harry Styles. A little piece of each of them.

I’d like everything about Zac Efron, his face, his abs, his penis (assuming it’s big, but not too big, the perfect peen). Bruno Mars’ personality, sense of humor, and voice. Bruno’s sense of humor is kind of he doesn’t take life too seriously and can make fun of himself, and I really love it and that’s what makes him so attractive to me. Any trait the guy could get from Ryan Gosling would be fine, because the man is perfect. Harry Styles’ humbleness and it would be ok if the guy looked like him a little too. 

On a non-celebrity level I really just want someone who is honest. In all of my relationships that has been the one thing that has always been missing.  Guys are either not honest about where they’ve been/who they’ve been talking to or aren’t honest about their feelings and what they want, and right now that’s at the top of my list. Right below that is someone who is fun/funny and not a serious Debbie Downer.  It’s pretty rare for me to be in a bad mood or to be super serious about anything at all. I laugh at everything, so I really want someone who just has fun all of the time in any situation.  Someone who can take a joke and can dish them right back out would fit right in with me.  I’d also like to find a guy who is secure and confident with who he is.  The more I date the more I realize guys are way more insecure than girls, and it’s a huge buzzkill. Any guys that want to date me I really just need 3 things – be hot as fuck, funny, and honest. If I can find a guy like that I’m confident we will have a lifetime of happiness and really attractive children.

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Gizzy Investigates: What happened to Bruno Mars’ Mother’s Hawaii Home

It’s no secret that I am a huge Bruno Mars fan.  So this past weekend when a new docu-series about his 4 sisters “The Lylas” premiered on WEtv, I was beyond excited to watch it.  After I found out about the series a few months ago I followed all of the sisters on twitter and have been laughing hysterically at their back and forth banter ever since.  They seem like really genuine, down to Earth girls, much like Bruno, so I couldn’t help but love them too.  They honestly make you want to have a whole gaggle of sisters to laugh and make jokes with, and it made me upset that I don’t have any siblings close to me in age.

The first episode, “Aloha LA” was centered around the girls picking up and moving from Hawaii to LA to start their music career.  Many of the scenes featured their late mother, Bernadette, which would have brought a tear to anyone’s eye, but since I follow the family and see their tweets and pictures of her, I was crying like a baby 10 seconds into it when the 4 sisters were getting tattoos in memory of her. They even put her ashes in the ink!  Like her children, she also seemed very down to Earth and fun loving, and after watching her for 5 minutes in the first episode, I could totally sympathize with how much they must miss her. I didn’t even know her and I already know that I’ll miss seeing her on the show.

The scenes she was featured in took place at the home Bruno bought for her in Honolulu, Hawaii.  A huge beautiful dream house on the beach. You all know that I am investigator Gizzy, so seeing this beautiful house and knowing all her children now live in LA, I started to wonder what happened to the house.  I wondered if the family would keep the house for a place to stay and remember her when they were visiting Hawaii, or would they sell it?  So I took to the almighty Google and came up with nothing. 

Since I often scour the internet for homes for sale that I can’t afford in cities I’ll only ever visit, I knew exactly where to go next. Good ol’ Trulia. Surprisingly enough, I found that the house is for sale, and has been on the market for all of 8 days, and it is even more beautiful than what you see in the show.

When my Grandfather passed away a few years ago we had his house cleaned out and a buyer lined up within about 6 weeks.  I know for my family, selling the house was a good way to cope. So I feel for them and hope their family is able to find peace with it.

Anyway, in the show Bernadette mentions the house and alludes to how amazing it is and that she needs the girls to be really successful so she can have another house just like it in LA. So here you go, check it out, she wasn’t kidding:

Bruno Mars’ Mother’s House

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Happy Halloween, You Blockheads!

In the spirit of Halloween (my favorite Holiday after the 4th of July) I’m going to keep this post light, because no one wants to read about how I’m pissed off at the World on such a joyful day.  So with that said, I’m just going to share a picture of my Halloween costume.

Pig Pen

And the rest of my department at work.

Peanuts Gang

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Gizzy’s Diary – Entry 1

Dear Diary,

This week has been mediocre, as is my life.  I accepted the role of ‘guinea pig’ for my team’s Halloween costume at work.  Meaning, I got to bring all the supplies home, make the costume, and then had to instruct everyone at work on how to make it.  They called me Miss Gizzy, and it felt good.  However, applying 2 layers of paper mache to a beach ball did not feel good.   In fact, it made me feel really fucking gross because the “paste” is made out of flour and water and when I went outside to walk the dog, my neighbor asked if I was aware that I had biscuit in my hair. I wanted to ask if he was aware that he should shut the fuck up, but be proud, Diary, I did not.

Last weekend I went to visit Gigi.  We threw ourselves a “I’m not getting married” Bachelorette party, which was fun because we got free drinks and negative attention, but ended in Gigi getting flowers from a guy that hit on me. I won’t even elaborate because I’m still pissed at that flower stealing whore face.

Earlier this week I threw 2 tantrums in public. Both over spaghetti squash, or rather the lack there of. I mean, I don’t live on fucking Antarctica. Can I not expect my local grocer to carry a common food item such as that? According to Walmart Manager Billy, I cannot.

Thanks for listening, Diary.

Love,

Your BFF, Gizzy<3

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Dear Mr. Nice Guy…

Dear Mr. Nice Guy, 

I have been in a committed relationship with my boyfriend for the past three months. He recently expressed to me that he feels like I don’t show affection toward him when we are in front of our families. Looking back on it, I can see his point. However, I have never been big on PDA and I certainly don’t want to disrespect his parents by being too physical in front of them. Is there a happy medium here?

Best, 

Shy Gurl

*     *     *

HeadshotDear Shy Gurl,

Your boyfriend does have a point, yet at the same time he doesn’t. This all really depends on how the two of you define PDA.
A question for you would be what sort of affection would you feel comfortable expressing towards him in front of your families? A question for him would be to what level of PDA does he expect? Obviously he’s not going to honk your boob, followed by you kung-fu gripping his crotch, while playing a friendly game of Trivial Pursuit with his family. (At least I hope not.)
These people probably know the two of you are in a committed relationship. The expectation that two individuals are going to treat their significant other just like any average friend, regardless of company, is ridiculous. Ignorance my be bliss when it comes to the more affectionate activities of couples, but most people possess this thing called tact. You’ve already shown you have this particular trait, so I’m not worried about your clothes coming off at Thanksgiving dinner resulting in little Suzy having to avert her eyes while you pounce on her uncle.
To be honest, the level of PDA you express depends on your personal comfort level. This could even evolve as time passes. The two of you have been together for 3 months. Odds are you are still just getting to know his family. It goes without saying you want to make a good impression on them, thus respect ranks high on your list of qualities to want to fire in their direction.
Though it’s difficult to say precisely what is acceptable, and what is not, (as this can vary family to family) here is a small list of things I would assume would not be an issue:
– loving kiss
– hand holding
– a casual form of snuggling (example: if everyone is gathered in a TV room just relaxing)
I would even go as far to say that even a shoulder/back/scalp rub would be appropriate in some settings.
If these are all things you already do, then I would say your boyfriend may have some unrealistic expectations based on his definition of PDA. Should that be the case, I’m lead to believe he thinks the two of you need to be joined-by-the-hip in these family settings. This is not the case. You do not always need to sit by each other. You don’t always need to be touching. A lack in proximity does not directly reflect on the seriousness of your relationship; nor indicate that there’s trouble in Lovesville.
If there were to be a conclusion to this little ramble it would be, “The little things are what should be focused on to express your affection.”
I hope that helped. If you later find yourself torn on what would be crossing the PDA line just ask, “What would little Suzy approve of?”
Best,
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