Tag Archives: men suck

Not dead.

Hey yo!!!!!!

I’m so so so sorry I’ve been MIA for a few weeks… I have been going through lots of crap and then just got swamped and…well, I’m still swamped, but I could use a little distraction.

So, where should I begin?

Well a few weeks ago, someone finally stepped forward and told me D was cheating on me for the entirety of our relationship.

Yep.

Let that sink in.

Cheating on me the whole time.

Talk about a punch to the stomach.

The person who told me knows his current girlfriend (well, I think she has dumped him since) and found out the details. So he was lying to me the whole time.

I spent a day being pissed and a few days connecting the dots.

I will say that it answers lots of questions for me, but it’s not really the most fun way to get answers.

It makes me regret how much time I apparently wasted on him. Yes, wasted.

I already knew he was a piece of shit, did I need to learn it again?

Hrmph.

Since then, I’ve been fucking a trainer at my gym.

Yes, fucking.

He’s fine as hell and that’s pretty much all I need to know about him.

Call me slutty and cynical at this point, but I just couldn’t have the last person I slept with be D.

And so far, I do NOT regret this decision.

But as you all know, nothing pans out the way I plan, now does it?

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I feel better.

After I gave myself a day to sulk about my ugly rejection from “Erik”—my first meet up on Match, I am feeling a little better.

It wasn’t that I was sitting across from Erik thinking OMFG, he’s so awesome, it was more about me being worried that I said the wrong things, or that I just wasn’t interesting anymore.

Either way, I reminded myself that I signed up for 30 days and in those 30 days, I’m going to put myself out there, even if it means being out of my comfort zone.

So, I sent a message to the guy I’ve been messaging with since day 2, “Aaron,” to see if he’d like to meet. He said that would “be cool,” so I gave him my number and we’ll see if he actually makes the plans.

Aside from him, I don’t have any other prospects, which means I’m going to have to sift through my 1500 “matches” again and see if there is anyone worth messaging.

Now is when you share your experiences with online dating…

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Introducing: Lucky & Gizzy’s book club!

For my birthday, Gizzy got me a book, and she got herself a copy too, so we’d have better things to talk about than our loser ex-boyfriends or the computer games we’ve been hooked on.

The book is Best Friends Forever by Jennifer Weiner:

best_friends_forever

The book’s description:

Addie Downs and Valerie Adler will be best friends forever. That’s what Addie believes after Valerie moves across the street when they’re both nine years old. But in the wake of betrayal during their teenage years, Val is swept into the popular crowd, while mousy, sullen Addie becomes her school’s scapegoat.

Flash-forward fifteen years. Valerie Adler has found a measure of fame and fortune working as the weathergirl at the local TV station. Addie Downs lives alone in her parents’ house in their small hometown of Pleasant Ridge, Illinois, caring for a troubled brother and trying to meet Prince Charming on the Internet. She’s just returned from Bad Date #6 when she opens her door to find her long-gone best friend standing there, a terrified look on her face and blood on the sleeve of her coat. “Something horrible has happened,” Val tells Addie, “and you’re the only one who can help.”

Best Friends Forever is a grand, hilarious, edge-of-your-seat adventure; a story about betrayal and loyalty, family history and small-town secrets. It’s about living through tragedy, finding love where you least expect it, and the ties that keep best friends together.

…So far, this book is really, really good!

I think we’ve already got book #2 picked out, but if you’ve got any ideas for us, send them our way!

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Part three: The final straw.

You are all probably wondering why there is even a part three; believe me, I was very frustrated, scared, and upset at this point. But I didn’t want to give up.

Even my cynical heart had hope that things would turn around and we could go on like this didn’t happen. But in the weeks following the bar fight, we were very distant.

I built walls around me, just waiting for that third thing to happen when I would say, “That’s it! I’m out of here.”

It happened on a Wenesday night… or rather, a Thursday morning at 4 am. D was texting me, drunk. Actually, he was wasted—most of the texts were just random letters, like he was slamming his fingers down on his phone and sending them to me.

Some words I could read, like him telling me he was going to go back to “someone else.”

That was it. He was drunk again, and now telling me he was going to cheat. Two things I absolutely cannot and will not tolerate.

I replied and told him it was over.

He continued to text me passive aggressive bullshit, but I turned off my phone and tried to get some sleep.

The next morning, D sent me a message saying he couldn’t do this anymore. I took it as him trying to turn the tables and break up with me, but I told him it was already over. Later, he explained that he just meant the crazy drinking, but it doesn’t ultimately matter. It was over.

D is an alcoholic.

When I tell people that, most of them just say, “Well yeah he works in the service industry,” but it’s not that. Alcoholics aren’t just people who like to drink; they have a very serious problem.

It broke my heart to have to let D go… but I know I must make a better life for myself. I have no fucking clue how I keep finding myself in these situations—never ever ever in my darkest nightmares did I think I would be dating a guy like this.

The day after we broke up, I had my locks changed as D had a key to my place. I didn’t think he’d even try to come over, but I’m going out of town soon and didn’t want to take any chances.

That Saturday morning, I woke up at 5 am to pounding on my door. D was outside, drunk, with a styrofoam cup of Crown in his hand.

I am still so very heartbroken. As pathetic as it may sounds, I just want one of these relationships to work. I want to be loved.

I hope that D gets the professional help he needs before something else terrible happens. But I cannot rescue him, help him, or stand by and watch as things unfold anymore.

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A conversation with my boyfriend.

Below is a conversation I had with D last night, via text, because he is a big pussy and won’t talk to me on the phone. I was going to post this whole schpeal and everything leading up to the conversation, but honestly, it’s pretty self-explanatory. Enjoy.

8:13 D—How’d class go?

8:14 ME **calling D**

8:14 ME—You never answer!

9:26 D—I passed out.

9:51 D—Guess you did as well. Sorry

9:53 D— 😦

9:55 D—Goodnight

9:57 ME—Goodnight

10:01 D—You ok?

10:02 ME—No.

10:02 D— Talk to me tell me.

10:03 ME—I’ve been trying to call you, text you for 24 hours and I feel like you are pushing me away. I don’t know what I did but I can’t guess on how to solve the problem.

10:04 D—I’m sorry I’m not trying to

10:04 ME—I feel like you hate me.

10:04 D—I don’t hate you.

10:05 ME—Yes, it has been distant but its been a rough few weeks. I am someone who likes to work things out if they are worth a try. we’ve been in a great place before so I don’t feel like it’s a lost cause but ignoring me is not the answer. I just had a freaking meltdown.

10:07 D—I’m so sorry. So much has been going on with work and what not. I’m trying to deal with it.

10:07 ME—D, I understand that. But you have to tell me stuff, I cannot just guess. The person I love tells me he’s not happy in the relationship…that is the worst feeling. I can’t even get my boyfriend to talk to me.

10:10 D—it’s not you. I’m unhappy with my situation.

10:11 ME—Well, would you be happier without me around.

10:12 D—Noooooo I would never say that

10:12 ME—Well I have to ask because it feels that way

10:13 D—I’m so sorry

10:14 ME—I understand you’ve got stuff to deal with. But we are in a relationship. You can tell me stuff. I will always do what I can to help you, even if you need a night alone or whatever. we are both in this and we are supposed to be able to count on each other

10:15 D—I know

10:28 D—sleeping?

10:30 ME—No.

10:31 D—I can’t say sorry enough.

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Getting back to business.

The last time I met with Lopez, it was important to me that I talked to him about me.

Sure, technically everything we talk about is related to me, since he is my counselor. But really, I’m scared of losing myself in my relationship with D. It’s really important to me to remain true to my friends, my job, and mostly, my hobbies and things I like to do without D around.

A few weekends ago, I realized that I wasn’t making the most of my Saturdays and Sundays, which would send me to work Monday in a bad mood. I couldn’t pinpoint what the problem was until I really thought it through.

On Saturdays and Sundays, D works all day, so it’s the perfect opportunity for me to have “me” time or meet up with my girlfriends, hit the gym, or whatever I please. But for some reason, I hadn’t been acting on that and instead was just sitting around being a sloth and watching tv.

So these last few weekends, I’ve made a little to-do list for myself, even if it’s just “go to Sephora” or something fun and easy like that. When I actually do the things on my list, I feel productive and it feels like I made good use of my time.

Does it sound ridiculous? It’s a little weird to me that I have to make a list or whatever, but after talking to my counselor, I’m starting to see the reasons why.

For starters, most of my relationships have been abusive and particularly manipulative, so I have a habit of losing myself in relationships. When things ended with BEX, it was also the end of a bad string of guys, leaving me with no idea who I was, at all. If I felt sad about something, I would question that—should I feel sad?

Many hours of conversations have been spent with me asking Lopez, should I feel like this when this happens??? It’s been a tough ride.

Second of all, because my previous relationships have been so dysfunctional, I’ve never been in a relationship where things were just “okay” or just coasting or whatever. It’s always been some extreme high or an extreme low.

I cannot tell you the number of Saturdays I must have spent in bed crying, thinking BEX was mad at me, texting him apologizing for nothing, or seeing what he was doing and if we could meet up later.

Now, it’s not like that because there aren’t any questions. D is never mad at me, and he always comes over after his shift ends. So I’m left with hours to myself and not a clue with what to do! What do you all do on the weekends to unwind?

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Kickball can shove it.

I’m fairly certain I shared with you guys last season the joy (read: nervousness and stress) I felt when I joined the local kickball league.

I joined for 2 reasons: 1. Two of my friends started the team and they needed as many people, especially girls, to join. And 2. I thought it would be something fun and social that I could do during the week.

Last season, I had a pretty good time, but I noticed that many of the other teams in the league were really serious—as in, they recruit really good players and get really fucking pissed when someone gets an out.

Our team wasn’t like that. In fact, we were the laughing stock of the league because we brought a huge stereo (we call it The KaBoomBox) and coolers of beer to every game, and played drunk as shit.

Somehow, our debauchery paid off and we were winning games left and right. We even got an out when someone from our dugout belched so loud, it caught the other team off guard. It was a great time, and we went pretty far into the playoffs.

But this season has been way different.

The league has really cracked down on drinking. Some of the teams still do it, but you have to be really secretive about it, and it’s getting to be a hassle. A few games ago, we were in the dugout waiting for an ump so our game could start. One of the players from the other team, we’ll call her Brit, came over and started yelling at us saying we couldn’t have beers, even if they were in cups.

She walked away and I was all, “What the fuck was that about?”

Apparently she is a “commissioner,” basically a glorified tattle tale. I’ve seen this girl around many-a-time because she plays on three different teams, wears a bandana, gloves, and shin guards, and she pitches overhand.

Yeah, um, it’s KICKBALL.

The following game, I decided to screw it, I wasn’t going to drink. I’m trying to watch my figure and since it’s such as hassle anyway, I was just going to bring a Powerade and forget it. Well low and behold, here comes Brit, still pissy about the beer and The KaBoomBox being too loud.

That night, we were up against a pretty serious team who kept shit-talking all night. We lost, and my team was really upset. I didn’t care. I was in this to have fun. So what, we lost.

Well my teammates started talking about a strategy for next game, we should put THIS person here and THIS person there… then they started talking about hosting a practice and a pickup game with other teams.

Excuse me?

I don’t want to practice. I don’t want to play a pickup game. I payed $45 to play on this team, I really just want to go on the field, kick the ball as hard as I can and try to make it on base, okay?

The next day, one of the guys on our team posted a diagram on our Facebook group.

kball

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You’ll notice “Lucky” isn’t on the diagram. Because apparently, my team doesn’t need me.

And yeah, I’m not an awesome player, but this isn’t a professional league. Sorry I’m not a fucking all star.

So I’d had enough. I was going to stand my team up Tuesday night and join D for dinner and a movie. I felt rebellious. I will show them, I thought.

And then? The game was cancelled due to rain.

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BEX got married.

I waited a few days to share this news with you all; only telling my very close friends and family, because I have been dealing with a mix of emotions surrounding BEX’s wedding, which happened on Saturday.

I found out about the wedding last Wednesday. For some reason, I wandered over to BEX’s Facebook page, and saw a post on his page about “7 more days ’till the wedding!”

Huh?

Considering I had just seen him a month prior and he mentioned nothing about a bride-to-be, and considering about 14 months ago he was asking me to sleep with him, I thought no way he was about to get married.

So I Googled his name along with “wedding,” and sure enough, up came a few wedding registries and a site on The Knot, complete with a picture of him and his fiancee. The site was created on March 5, 2012, less than 2 months after I told BEX to get out of my life.

My heart thumped and I swear my jaw traveled through two floors to hit the ground beneath me with a THUD.

It’s not the first time I’ve found out my ex was getting married. In fact, all of my exes are married. To say the least, it’s never fun news to get. However, in this case, it was a little different.

For starters, it was pretty obvious to me that he was cheating on me with this girl and vis versa. I’m not a genius, but I think it’s safe to say that after we had a conversation on January 9, 2012, he didn’t meet someone the next day and propose before March 5.

The real sting for me was recalling numerous conversations we’d had about getting married—he insisted that getting married was never a plan of his, and this always bothered me because I did (and do) want to be married. Now, obviously, that was just one of his many lies to me, because he did want to get married. And now he actually is married.

And yes, I know. He’s an ass, he’s the worst, he’s a douche, I deserve better. But I’m not sure, even as an award-winning editor, that any words I write can describe what it feels like to know that a person who betrayed you, did so to such a degree that there was a ring in his pocket the last time you slept together. It is sickening.

Upon receiving the news, I turned to the two women in my life who have supported me throughout my entire relationship and breakup with BEX: Gizzy and my mom. I was, and am, thankful for them lifting me out of the doldrums.

That day, on Gchat, BEX came online and I decided to send him a message asking him about the wedding.

ME: Getting married Saturday?

BEX: I am.

ME: I am shocked.

BEX: I guess I am too… but I’m excited.

ME: The shocking part is the math. It doesn’t add up. You slept with her and I at the same time?

BEX: No. It was a very quick process. We hadn’t been together in over 3 years.

And that was the end of that conversation. Sure, part of me wanted to tell him all of the times I knew there was overlap in the relationship he was having with her and the one he was having with me. But the majority of me knew that at this point, nothing I could say would make him understand, and really, I’m at a good place in my life.

What BEX didn’t realize is that a picture of him and his bride, proves him completely wrong. In July 2011, I flew across the country to see Gizzy for my birthday. Ironically, BEX flew there too. He told me he was going with his sister and her husband. But there is a picture on Facebook of him and his then girlfriend at the famous baseball stadium in that city. Behind them, is the date on the jumbo screen: July 2, 2011.

On that same date, BEX called me and sang me Happy Birthday and tried to meet up with me several times in the city. Little did I know that his girlfriend was sitting right beside him the entire time. We slept together the following week.

In a way, finding this out answers alot of my questions. It explains why BEX was never around, why he treated me like shit, and why he hid me from his friends and family. But it doesn’t do much for my trust issues.

I knew BEX was fooling around on me. But I didn’t know he was living a completely double life without my knowledge.

Saturday, I spent the day drinking, and for the first time, I cried about BEX’s wedding. I never wanted to waste more time on him, but I know I am still dealing with the hurt he left for me.

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The diagnosis.

To be honest with you all, part of me thought that jumping into this fun and very sweet relationship would fix a lot of my problems—make me feel better about myself. I wondered if I would even have stuff to talk to Lopez about.

Well, as you can probably imagine, it didn’t fix me, and I still have plenty to talk to Lopez about.

Our appointment last week (which went over 12 minutes) proved that. I told him that despite things going well with D, whenever we part ways, I find I feel this heaviness on my back. Like I cannot hold my head up.

It’s not like we fight and I get upset or that I’m scared he’ll cheat, it’s just a heavy feeling for reasons I can’t quite pinpoint yet.

I shared with Lopez a piece of my past that I hadn’t yet: 2 boyfriends I had years ago “dumped” me by simply not talking to me.

The first was a boy named Adam. He was my best friend, and we fell in love one summer during college. We decided to stay together when school started, despite living states away. In October, I flew to visit him for a few days. We had a great time, but when he took me to the airport, we were both really sad.

When I landed back at school, he was weird on the phone. Eventually, he stopped answering my calls, texts, emails… and I never saw him again. I knew it was over when he started posting pictures of him with a girl (his now-wife) on Halloween, just weeks after I saw him.

That was about 8 years ago. I dated someone two years later, who drove me back home so he could meet my parents. We had a great time and laughed all the way back to our city. But when I dropped him off at his house, I felt the weight.

In the days following, he didn’t answer my calls or texts. I knew it was over. I cried during my walks to class.

When I told Lopez this, he paused, and told me this.

“You’re reacting to something that was very traumatic,” he said. “It’s like you have PTSD.”

While I’d heard of PTSD and knew a little about it, I did some Googling. Here’s what I found:

Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a severe anxiety disorder that can develop after exposure to any event that results in psychological trauma. This event may involve the threat of death to oneself or to someone else, or to one’s own or someone else’s physical, sexual, or psychological integrity, overwhelming the individual’s ability to cope. As an effect of psychological trauma, PTSD is less frequent and more enduring than the more commonly seen post traumatic stress (also known as acute stress response). Diagnostic symptoms for PTSD include re-experiencing the original trauma(s) through flashbacks or nightmares, avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma, and increased arousal—such as difficulty falling or staying asleep, anger, and hypervigilance. Formal diagnostic criteria require that the symptoms last more than one month and cause significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

Hmm yeah, I fit like all of that.

It’s like, the logical side of me knows that when me and D part ways, like when I leave for work in the mornings, and everything is fine, that everything will continue to be fine until it’s not fine anymore. But my heart, my heart knows that things have been fine before and then they weren’t for no logical reason, and at this point, I am invested and that scares the shit out of me.

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