Tag Archives: millionaire matchmaker

Lettuce, tomato, sub the gf for mayo.

Every Sunday night I have a writer’s meeting—you might remember last weekend when I mentioned burger guy. He writes with me at the magazine and he also flips burgers. And he is kind of cute. But he flips burgers. And, it’s The year of the No.

Naturally, I wanted to stalk him on Facebook and get the scoop (er, the flip). And what I found was quite disturbing. Not only does he have a girlfriend, but he has an ugly girlfriend. Of course he does, right? And I also discovered that he recently turned 24…wamp, wamp, WAMP! Not only did he just turn 24 in September, but for his 24th birthday, he wore a sombrero. And hung out with his girlfriend.

I know what you’re saying—but Lucky, he hasn’t even shown interest, so why do you care? Because I have no life, that’s why. Well, and because, let’s face facts, this Year of the No thing is new. I’m used to going after what I want, persistence, people!

But at last Sunday’s meeting, my editor made a comment about his girlfriend, so he was forced to admit that “Yes, I do have a girlfriend,” right in front of me. So it’s all out in the open now, so he can keep his flirty eyes and funny jokes away from my lady parts.

In other news, remember Townie? Well, even Townie has a girlfriend. Which I naturally discovered through Facebook stalking. He was tagged in a photo that came up on my newsfeed, where there was a girl tagged. I clicked on the girl’s name and her profile picture was of her and Townie, side by side, tailgating. I then notice her and I have one friend in common, aside from Townie—a dyke from high school.

Now, Townie’s new girlfriend isn’t very attractive, but then again, Townie is a huge doucher. I’m not sad, I’m actually quite appalled that Townie found someone needy enough to hang out with him. I wonder if he picks fights with soldiers right when they get back from Iraq in front of his new gf???

Anyway, I’m in a different state of mind now and I need to be focusing on different men. Ones that fall into the categories one Ms. Patti Stanger has set out before me. One of Patti’s assignments, if you recall, was to think of 10 non-negotiable things I want in a man. I’m supposed to put them in priority, using 4 categories—spiritual, physical, emotional, and mental. Chemistry is the one “given.”

So here we go, kids.

Lucky’s Top Ten List for Mr. Right

1. Trustworthy

This is a huge thing for me, as I’m sure it is for most people. But I don’t think any relationship that I’ve had has been honest, so this would rank higher than #1 if that was even possible. I don’t want to have any question in my mind that the person I’m dating is doing what they say they’re doing. I don’t even want to think about the possibility of them cheating, or being untruthful. Now that I want to kill myself…

2. Intelligent

I debated between putting this as number 2 or 3, because they are both so important to me. However, you can’t be a dumbass and get along with me. Now, I’m no genius, and I’m aware of that fact. But I am well-educated, and I like to partake in great conversation. So I expect my boyfriend to be my match, or even, a little bit smarter than me—even if it’s in different areas than I know.

3. Humorous

If a guy doesn’t have a healthy sense of humor, we will never get along. I joke, I’m sarcastic, I say fuck when I meet a person{except important business associates or family}—if a guy can’t laugh at that, then there is no future with us. I love to laugh, I love making people laugh, and I want to be around someone who enjoys my sense of humor, but has one of their own.

4. Kind-hearted

Now, it may seem like I’m just a hard ass, but for those of you who witnessed my emotional downfall with The Has Been Matt McFaggot, you know I have a heart. I am someone who cares deeply for my friends and family. In dating, I want nothing more that to be a part of someone’s life and for them to be a part of mine.

5. Hard-working

Okay, this one is difficult. Of course, I appreciate and want to be around someone who is hard working. Although it seems like I sit around my office with my thumb up my ass all day, I do hustle—working several jobs at once. And that’s been my story for most of my working life. However, as Gizzy has pointed out to me, I tend to be attracted to men who like to work a little TOO much. I call this the daddy syndrome—my dad has always worked hard, but sometimes to the point where his family didn’t see him much because of it. Every guy I’ve seriously dated has put me on the back burner for work. No more!

6. Sexy

If a guy has made it this far down on the list, I would say he’s probably pretty damn sexy. Of course, I could sit here and say I want a guy with a certain hair, eyes, washboard abs, etc. But, that’s not really what I’m looking for. I’ve never even dated anyone that looked like that. For me, it truly is personality first.

Having said that, Fratty looks goooood. So it’s a good thing I’m keeping it light.

7. Family-oriented

This, like hard-working, is a difficult one for me. I want a guy to value family of course, but I also want him to want me to be around his family and be a part of it. I’ve been with guys who never want me to meet their parents {and no, I don’t cuss when I meet the parents} and I’ve been with guys who hang with their families so much they don’t want to hang out with me. I need a balance—someone who values family, wants me to meet their family fairly early in the relationship, but isn’t obsessed with it.

8. Thankful

This is the first time I’ve thought about having a man who is thankful. But in reality, I’m a great girlfriend. I cook, I clean, I look good, I’m smart, and I’m funny—I’m your next wet dream. I’m willing to do all of that with very little in return. But I do want a thank you. A meaningful thank you. If I don’t get that, I won’t do those things anymore. I also notice appreciation other places and for other people. I always say thank you to my waiter, bartender, coworkers, etc., and I notice that in others.

9. Selfless

Rarely do I date a guy who doesn’t think about himself, in more ways than one. Of course, I want a guy who has his own life, which is why I put this toward the bottom of the list. However, it would be nice to know that my guy is thinking about me, even if by just sending me a text message saying so.

10. Spiritual

Gizzy was shocked by this, because I’m not the most spiritual person in the world. But being spiritual is different than being religious. I am spiritual, I do believe in a higher being, but my beliefs aren’t sharpened just yet. But they may be one day, and I want someone who will support me in that. I do not want to date an Athiest.

Welp, there you have it kiddos! My list of needs and wants for Mr. Right. And it’s time we face the truth—John Mayer meets all of those needs and wants. So track him down, bag him up, and send him to my office straight away. Wow, Patti Stanger really DOES know her shit!

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You’re canned, Soup.

I would like to apologize for making you all listen to me whine about my shitastic life lately. But then again, this is pretty much why Gizzy & I created this blog. So there.

But today is a new day, and you know what? Something amazingly awesome happened to me yesterday. I was really missing my lappy. I mean, I pretty much live on that thing when I get home from work—I do freelance, write for the bloggy…I’m writing a damn book for cheese’s sake and what’s a writer without her trusty lappy?

Lazy. That’s what.

So I decided to call Dr. Apple, just to check on things. To my surprise, they said lappy had just finished recovery and was ready to be taken home. Woohoo! I was excited to have my computer back, but I was less than thrilled at the estimated price they’d given me—$500. Yeah, I should’ve invested in a new one, but I’ll be jobless in January (a perfect name for a Dear Abby letter) and could use the extra cash.

Anyway, I show up at Apple, give them my claim ticket and they bring me sweet lappy. The guy gives me a form to sign and date, and then says this:

“Well, alright. We are good…you don’t owe us anything.”

You. Don’t. Owe. Us. ANYTHING.

I tried not to look shocked, because I’m nearly certain this is a glitch on their part. I just said, okay thank you, and ran out of there like a fucking criminal. You should see this beautiful thing—they gave me a new screen, a new casing, and a new freaking touchpad and keyboard. For free.

And THAT’s why they call me Lucky.

To celebrate, I bought lappy a new sleeve—a nice, spongy Lacoste one, in navy blue. He really likes it. But he misses foam finger.

But enough about lappy! It’s time I tell you something I’ve been thinking about. Gizzy & I have taken a liking to many-a-blog in the WordPress world. But we particularly enjoy Simply Solo. I like to read her stuff and she gives good advice, not gonna lie. Now, if I’m not mistaken, Simply Solo, err Catherine, is partaking on a “Year of the Yes” journey. I don’t think it’s anything official, or anything, she just wants to try new things and if a guy asks her out, she’ll say yes. Which I think is cool.

Well I know my love life has been in the shitter and frankly, I just need to get over it. But, it’s time I get proactive on love’s ass! And with that, I bring you my very own experiment: The Year of the No.

I know, I know what you’re saying—Lucky, how can you be proactive if you’re saying no all the time? Let me explain. First of all, Catherine, I love you (and no, you don’t have to say it back), but I say yes too much. It’s time I put my foot down. I’m not saying no to dates, but I think once I go on a date I need to say no more.

For example, Gizzy & I have both always answered to boyfriends, or even guys we are just dating. If we couldn’t hang out with them, we’d tell them why, and then feel guilty about it.

Just say no!

Or initiating a phone or text conversation. Just say no!

See how that works? I know you all think I’m crazy. So I wanted to use some tips from one Ms. Patti Stanger—you know, The Millionaire Matchmaker (new season starts soon)? Here is what she says:

****TIME OUT: Literally, after I typed that line up there, the effing power went out in my office building. That was around 8:15. No one, absolutely no one in the office even acknowledged that the power was out, they just left us sitting there with no lights, no computer.

Let me make something clear. I work on a website all day. So you tell me how the fuck I am supposed to get a damn thing done. And by that, I clearly mean this blog entry. So I sat at my desk and read a book for an hour, then I left to go home. I’ve been at home for an hour and they just sent out an e-mail saying the power was back on. Guess who isn’t going back in? THIS girl. Faggots. TIME IN****

1. Make a top 10 non-negotiable list of the things you want in your man.

Patti says to put them in priority, using 4 categories: spiritual, physical, emotional, and mental. Chemistry is the one given. This is something I’ve never done and will probably serve as an entirely new blog entry. I know you can’t wait.

2. Make a plan of action. What are you doing every week to meet your mate?

She says I should go to one event, party or place where eligible men are. Wow, I’m way too lazy for this kind of action.

3. Always date a pair and a spare. You must always date 3 men at a time.

The first man is the front-runner, the second you aren’t sure about, and the third will most likely become a friend. Patti says this will fill up my time to keep my mind off the one I really want {this is where the Year of the No comes into play}. I’ve never dated 3 men at once, so this might take some serious getting used to.

4. Marketing 101…package yourself in a sexy way.

This is easy, right?

5. Smile the 5 second flirt.

When I see a man I like, I’m supposed to smile for 5 seconds, hold the gaze, then look away. If he walks over to me, he’s into it. If not, then he isn’t. Ok, simple simple.

6. Go out alone. Those who travel in packs do not attract.

Patti suggests to go to a male-friendly bar/restaurant, just before 5pm on a weekday, order and drink and an appetizer, a book, and guys will approach me. I have no problem going out to dinner, movies, shopping, etc, alone. But a bar? Damn Patti, you’re really making this tough!

7. Let the man lead and all will be revealed.

This is REALLY what I’m talking about with the Year of the No. I often approach guys at bars, initiate most conversations, etc. It works in the beginning, but not in the long run.

8. Do not sleep with a man unless you are in an exclusive relationship where he has discussed exclusivity/monogamy with you in the sober light of day.

Not to sound like a giant slutbag, but I’ve only done this once in my life. And it still didn’t work out, so I’m going to have to put my va-jay-jay on lock down for awhile {Fratty is excluded because I’m not trying to date him}. Bummer.

9. Be reliable…do not flake. Following through is the key to success.

By this, Patti says to return a man’s call within 48 hours. I return the call in 10 minutes, because that’s how desperate I am. I’m telling you, the Year of the no.

10. Qualify the buyer.

For every 4 questions a man asks me, I’m to ask one. INTERESTING.

11. Do not date a man for more than a year.

Patti says if the marriage talk hasn’t happened by the 9-month mark, let him know calmly about the time table. Don’t bring it up again. On the one-year anniversary, tell him you don’t see eye-to-eye on the future, wish him well and leave. I surely hope this doesn’t happen to me, but damn I like this advice.

12. Do not live with a man prior to marriage.


So, there you have it. Of course, Patti Stanger recently got dumped by her fiance, so I’ll take her advice with a grain of salt. I will keep my eyes open for more advice from other professionals. In the meantime, I need to get working on my top ten list!

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