Tag Archives: money

This means war.

Halfway to the weekend.  Must keep going. 

I haven’t been very hush hush about the fact that I hate my job.  49% of why I hate it is because I have so much work and barely have enough time to blog, let alone eat lunch, or slack off.  The other 51% is because of my co-workers.  Specifically Ciggy Breath because he sucks at life and smells like old cigarettes and snot while he does it. 

Next week we have a new employee starting that will hold the same position as me, ciggy breath, k money foot dragger, the old asian man who wants to adopt me, and the young weird girl.  I am happy that we’re getting a new employee because inevitably she will be taking 20% of my workload.  Which will get me down to 144 things to do versus 180. 
But I have been hearing all this chatter about how the bosses are going through each of our accounts and pulling out any account with a problem to ensure they don’t give that one to the new girl.  A wiggy what?  No no no.  No one did this for me, when I took on this job I got accounts whether they were fucked up or not and they were my problem even though I didn’t contibute to any of the fucking up. 
Also, she gets a new computer.  Which REALLY pisses me off.  Before I came along, Corned Beef was sitting at my desk using my computer and when I was hired she moved to the non-window side of the office and they got her a brand spanking new computer with windows 7, a 15 inch monitor, a wireless mouse and keyboard, and working speakers even though she only works 2 days a week, and even though all of her files are on my computer and she’s constantly asking me to send her shit.  And now the new girl doesn’t have to sit next to ciggy breath, gets a nice new computer, AND gets all of the easy accounts?  All while I sit here with the oldest computer known to man, next to Ciggy Breath, with all of the fucked up accounts?  It hardly seems fair, and I want to know who a girl’s gotta bang in this company to catch a god damned break!
Anyway, what was I saying?  Oh yeah, so I still hate Ciggy Breath.  Not just because he smells bad and annoys the piss out of me, not because he sneezes and blesses himself when he sprays spit all over his computer monitor, not because he never washes his coffee cup, and not even because he licks his finger to pick the up crumbs off his desk to eat, I hate him more now than ever because he really is fucking trying to sabotage my job.
Our boss has told him numorous times to get it straightened up and to get himself organized but he never does and he never faces any reprocussions because of it.  Since he was in charge of my accounts before I came along he occassionally will find things that belong to my accounts (yes, still, even after I have been at this job for over 8 months).  And today my friends, was one of those days.  Today was also the day I blew my lid and not only cussed AT Ciggy Breath but cussed at him infront of our entire staff.   
So here I am minding my own business working like a dog and I see Ciggy Breath waving a check over my half wall.  I look over and say an annoyed, “WHAT!” He takes that as an invitation to come into my cube and tell me about how he’s over in his cube “cleaning” and found this check that belongs to one of my accounts, from last September.  I rip the check out of his hand as soon as I see that it’s for 13.6 million dollars.  Remember a few months ago when I was telling everyone about how little Mikey and myself were doing things for a top secret project aka the biggest account my company holds?  This 13.6 million dollar check is the payment for that top secret project that ciggy breath has had under his coffee cup for the past fucking year, this is just one of MANY million dollar payments. 
At this point everything pretty much went blank and I felt myself rising up out of my chair.  I slammed my fist down on my desk and screamed, “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! HOW COULD YOU BE SUCH AN UNORGANIZED PIECE OF SHIT TO DISREGARD A FUCKING 13 MILLION DOLLAR CHECK FOR A FUCKING YEAR!!!”  As most of you know, checks have expiration dates.  This project started September 1, 2010 and the check was dated August 31, 2010.  So I have today, today… to get ahold of everyone that needs to be gotten ahold of to make numerous people around this company drop what they are doing so that we can get this 13.6 fucking million dollar check cashed before it expires tomorrow. 
Of course the bosses heard all of the screaming and came running out.  I told them what happened and their only response was, “Do what you need to do to get it deposited today. Because it will be a sad day at the company if you have to go back and ask them to issue us another check.”  No reprocussions for Ciggy Breath, nothing, they basically acted like it was my fault that he’s had been wiping his mouth with a 13 million dollar check for the past year.  Basically this should have been taken care of and deposited before I was ever even hire.  When I get checks I get them out of the door THAT DAY because I don’t want to be the reason we lose a fuck ton of money. 
So anyway, I ran into little Mikey’s office with tears welling up in my eyes.  I told him what happened, and since he just got a promotion yesterday I knew he could do something about it.  He was especially infuriated because it’s his team that has to run around and drop everything to make sure the check gets cleared today. 
Bottle of wine or 3 after work? Don’t mind if I do!
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To Gizzy’s house: part II.

After we ripped the shots with the 20-somethings, we played a nice round of beer pong with them.  I don’t even remember who won, TMA.  Too much alcohol.

And we’d had enough, so we went back to the roof to continue our personal drinking antics.

At some point or other, we decided it was time to go inside and start getting ready for the night (birthday dinner at a sushi joint!) while watching a little Teen Mom, of course.

This is when we decided to put the wine glasses to the test (Gizzy got one for herself). And yes, we’ve got pics to prove it (coming soon, Thoughtsappear!). So we got all fresh and clean and into some slutastic dresses and headed out.  I mean, not to brag, but we looked good.

Once we were seated, Gizzy was completely disturbed and overtaken by a couple across the room. They were acting as though they were on a first date, but in fact, they were married.  They also looked Amish.  I may have also made the comment, “I didn’t know Amish people ate sushi.”  They were just about as awkward as you could imagine, no conversation, no footsie, not even any eye contact.  I wanted to order a round of shots for them laced with viagra.  At the end of the dinner they got up from the table and held hands as they walked away, really?! I’m sure they went home and got it on all over their beige furniture and against their white walls after like the best date EVER. Christ.

Anyway, we ordered a bottle of sake, some edamame, and several sushi rolls that were absolutely heaven. The waiter even brought us a delish dessert with a birthday candle in it! Happy Birfday Lucky!

We left, and hopped into a cab to get to this bar the guys swore was always a good time. Well…the atmosphere was pretty cool, but it was really cliquey, and we were looking for single, hot guys. so we ventured to the bathroom and as soon as we came out, this guy is all, “HEY HAVE YOU MET MY FRIEND?” So we go and chat it up with his friend, who insists we go get ourselves a drink and meet him later.  One of them wasn’t bad looking, but they also informed us they had been drinking all day, we took that as though they weren’t looking for some friendly conversation and peaced out.  I would’ve been really into it about 4 drinks later.

He doesn’t offer to buy us the drink. So we took a shot and left.

Our next stop was actually full of hotties, along with some lady who had her tits painted in red, white, and blue. So we had a drink there, I tried to dance with some sistas, but it didn’t work out. Upon our arrival, we got free passes to this supposed dance club upstairs, so we decided to check it out…only to see that it was basically loser central with a blowup doll on stage.  And a retard, I love me some retards, but not on the dance floor.  And especially not when a stripper pole is in the hizzy.


We went across the street and THAT’S where the party was. They had awesome music, the place was packed, and the DJ kept being like, “IT’S LUCKY’S BIIIIRTHDAY!” And she gave out free shots of something…it was good.

So G and I were talking, dancing, or something when this guy comes up to Gizzy all dressed in a white button down with a skinny black tie, and tells her he’s a billionare…He said his name was Danny, and he didn’t want to tell me his last name because I would only use him for his money (versus… his penis? IDK) and I simply said, “Unless it’s Bonaduce, I don’t care.”  Still, he was cute enough and I was drunk enough that I was contemplating throwing him a make out.

And, just when you think he’s sort of cocky, yet sort of cute, he completely falls over backward, pulling a bistro table down with him.

Seriously! Funniest part of the night!

I was certain he was going to get kicked out, but he popped right up like it never happened. And kept dancing. Regardless, Gizzy and I turned our backs to him. Just then, this smokin’ hot guy comes up to Gizzy, introduces himself and they are chatting it up while I’m probably stumbling around alone.

The hot guy leaves for a brief second, comes back, and is all, “Hey guys! Meet my friend Danny”—the billionaire. Hot guy was laughing, knowing full well this Danny guy was hammered and that we had just been talking to him and shunned him. Danny is all dancing like Lady Gags, doing some robot shit, and his friends are off in the distance laughing hysterically, while Danny sloshes drink all over my party dress.

All the while, I’m talking to hottie, who’s name is Mat (yes another one, but spelled different.) He had big muscles that Lucky kept feeling and was tall, and hot, and even asked for my number.  He has texted me quite a bit since that weekend, and I”ve been somewhat responsive.  I start out strong and then get too drunk and forget to write him back. Also take note that I don’t question why I’m single anymore.  I just know why now.

Around 1:30, we bolted. I had a good buzz and didn’t want to over do it and end up with my head in the toilet.

So we head back to the house, in an interesting cab, who told us everything we needed to know about driving one.  They have to lease the cabs for $300-450 A WEEK! I might now be interested in starting a cab business.

Once we get back to the house, half of the bachelor party is missing.  Gizzy surprises me with a huge German chocolate cake (my favorite) that’s basically in a safe. My new friends sang me happy birthday and we chow down.

Then, we venture back to Gizzy’s room for a game of Mouse Trap. At this point, we are sipping on the remaining wine in our glasses that have already collected dust—and no, we don’t seem to care.

One of the guys from the party joins us, and begins to tell us rousing information that he’s learned as a med student. During this conversation we learned a lot about how we can contract STD’s and not even see the symptoms basically until we die. Med student then discussed giving us each a pap-smear in my bathroom to check for unsuspected STDS we may have contracted in our days sleeping with dirty gentlemen suitor whores and we all got up from our chairs…


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Being single is saving me that $bling$bling$ in FURs

Saturday night was a typical Saturday “Date Night” evening for me.  I cuddled up on my parent’s couch with a good flick (Gnomeo and Juliet) and some brewskis and tucked myself in bed by midnight with my first non-alcoholic beverage of the day.

Just before I went to bed I hopped on the comp to see if “Find Lauren Day” was a success (it was not, 😦 sad), and when my comcast browser opened there was a story that caught my eye under the “Finance” category, the title? “Attention Singles: The True Price of Love” The subtitle? “7 SHOCKING Expenses of Romance.”  So I read, and I will paraphrase for the sake of space and voice my opinions of how much bullshit this article is the whole way through it.  If anyone doesn’t like my paraphrasing or comments and wants to read the article for them-Stupid-self, there you go.  But honestly, my version is way better.

1. Dinner Out On the Town  – Dinner at Delmonicos New York’s first fine dining restaurant.  Starters, you: $10 market salad – date: $26 shelfish chateau Main Course: you: some chicken dish for $28 date: $90 double porterhouse add in wine, desert, and all that other shit and you’ll be racking up a bill of at least $300.

Ummmm… I’m sorry, but who the fuck are these people dating that they have dinner dates on the reg costing $300? I know top medical professionals who would not drop $300 on a dinner date.  #2 Assuming this article is aimed toward men, because AHA! Why would a woman ever give 2 shits about how much a relationship is, we don’t have to pay for anything.  But, what woman is going to order a $90 double porterhouse after you just ordered a measly $28 piece of chicken?  A BITCH! That’s who, that’s when you excuse yourself and get the fuck out of there and leave her with the bill.  Bitch. 

2. Special Occasion Cards – Valentines Day, Birthday Cards, Cards to Say “I’m Sorry”, cards for your significant other’s family members on their birthday’s and anniversaries.  Estimated cost: $20 – $35 per year.

If the guy I’m dating can’t shell out 25 bucks a year to buy me a damn card on my birthday we’ve got bigger problems than birthday cards.

3. Gifts Just Because – Basically they tell a story about how people buy each other gifts for no reason and say liberated women don’t believe in Valentine’s Day.  

Every girl believes in Valentine’s Day if they have someone.  Give me a fucking break.  That’s like saying women hate diamonds and flowers.  And again, I go back to my who the fuck are these people dating where they get gifts for no reason? Clearly Lucky and I aren’t picking the winners.  No really, we already knew this, but are there really guys out there that will buy you lavish presents for no reason? Not like Donald Trump, normal guys that we actually have a chance with.  Think a Banker’s salary here.  It’s doubtful.

4. Wrapping Her In Furs  – $200+ but they like the $10,000+ coats from FurOutlets.com

Ummmm… does anyone outside of 1920 know anyone who wears a Fur coat for real? I actually do, but we won’t go there.  Ok we will, it’s Snoop-Linus’ mom.  And also Lucky and Buttons, but their Furs are fake and hilarious.  I thought everyone had kind of decided Fur coats were on the outs? I’m going to take a leap of faith and say when I get to the end of this article I’m going to see that it was written by a man because he clearly doesn’t know SHIT.  A fur coat would go nice with my quellazaire though. 

5. Flowers Say it for You – They say to avoid spending too much buy flowers for “no reason” during non-holiday times.

No comment here.  Cheapskate.

6. Pricing In The Hardware – $220 gets you 1/6 of a carat diamond ring.  3 figure minimum to make the right impression.

Now we’re talking.  Hey everyone, come check out my sixth of a carat!!  Any guy reading this should take this as a piece of advice: Skip the $300 Delmonico dinners, birthday cards, and Fur coats and splurge for the $200 engagement ring.  3 figures, really? I would like to assume anyone who can afford to spend $300 on dinner should be able to afford to spend more than a dinner would cost on jewelry.

7. What Happens Once You Commit – $1500 extra a year in high income marriage penalties.

Don’t worry, he saved that money when he bought the $220 1/6th of a carat engagement ring.

Annnnd drumroll please…. written by a woman.  I’m wrong, BUT she’s probably never been on a date or had a boyfriend.  Clearly.  I mean I am fully aware that being single is way cheaper than being in a relationship, but being in a relationship is not as expensive as this slorebag makes it out to be.  I guess I need to cut her a break, there isn’t much going on in finance right now with interest rates sitting pretty at 0%.

But, if these are the things women are demanding out of relationships these days I need to up my anti and put a fox fur coat with matching fox on my wish list.  Then again, I don’t plan on being that girl standing on the corner wearing my fur coat and cracker jack box ring, so maybe I’m good.  Yeah, I’m good.

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Ladies in Lit.

According to my new favorite blog, Chick Lit is Not Dead, May is Chick Lit Month.

Umm…can I get a holla?

It was about my junior year in college when I entered the English/creative writing program at my school. It was something I held off doing, not because I didn’t like writing, just because I thought English majors were pretentious assholes who thought they were beatniks, wore berets, black turtlenecks (think Doug’s sister Judith), and snapped their fingers instead of clapping or laughing.

When I showed up for my first advanced-level English course, literary critique, my nightmares came true. Our professor, who obsessed over Lindt chocolates, asked us to go around the room and say our favorite book.

Students were rattling off the works of Aristotle and Nietzsche. I, on the other hand, was the sex-columnist for the school paper, so I often read columns and books by other sex writers. At the time, my favorite book was Chloe Does Yale by Natalie Krinsky (Yale’s first sex columnist).

I immediately felt like an outcast, but I didn’t let that stop me from loving chick lit. Now, I read all the time. I love memoirs, some fiction, true crime, biographies, and of course, romance.

So, in honor of Chick Lit Month, I thought I would share with you some of my favorite titles (in no particular order):

LIPSTICK JUNGLE BY CANDACE BUSHNELL—I’m sure this is no shocker after you all witnessed me swooning over season one on DVD…

AT FIRST SIGHT BY NICHOLAS SPARKS—Ah, I’ve read four novels by Sparks, and they are definitely a guilty pleasure. This one has a shocking ending!

MURDER AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS BY JOAN RIVERS—did you know comic Joan Rivers wrote? I found this book in a gift shop on a cruise with Buttons. It’s a murder mystery laced with celebrities and high fashion.

THE LAST SINGLE WOMAN IN AMERICA BY CINDY GUIDRY—this is the book that made me want to write a memoir. It’s absolutely hilarious.

WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES BY SHERRY ARGOV—if you’re that “nice girl” and always get screwed in dating, you must read this book! I am still learning lessons from it.

LA CANDY & SWEET LITTLE LIES BY LAUREN CONRAD—these are the first two books of a three-book series by ms. Conrad, and they are just that: candy. I just gobble them up!

THE LAST SONG BY NICHOLAS SPARKS—I saw this movie, then read the book and it was the first Sparks’ book I read. Seriously, it was so good. Emotional, but good.

ONE FIFTH AVENUE BY CANDACE BUSHNELL—last summer, I was on a mission to read all of Bushnell’s novels. This is my favorite one!

HOLLYWOOD WIVES: THE NEW GENERATION BY JACKIE COLLINS—ah, Collins, the original Chick Lit author. This was my first Collins’ novel and I loved it. Super sexy.

JULIE & JULIA BY JULIE POWELL—I saw this movie first, loved it, then read the book. They are both very different, but both good.

STRAIGHT UP & DIRTY BY STEPHANIE KLEIN—I read this book not too long ago and was literally laughing my ass off.

NIGHTS IN RODANTHE BY NICHOLAS SPARKS—I remember coming home from work one evening, cracking open this book, and drinking an entire bottle of wine. I finished the book that night, and had a nice lil buzz.

THE TIME TRAVELER’S WIFE BY AUDREY NIFFENEGGER—My mom loaned my this book, she kept saying she loved it, but it was sooooo graphic. It isn’t. It’s a wonderful read.

SEX & THE CITY BY CANDACE BUSHNELL—People often forget the fabulous television series is based on a book. And it is very, very different from the show.

CHASING HARRY WINSTON BY LAUREN WEISBURGER—from the author of The Devil Wears Prada, comes another book about fabulous, powerful women!

A WOMAN TRAPPED IN A WOMAN’S BODY BY LAUREN WEEDMAN—Gizzy loaned me this book, and it was hilarious!

LOVERS & PLAYERS BY JACKIE COLLINS—my second Collins’ book and it was just as sexy as the first.

MY HORIZONTAL LIFE BY CHELSEA HANDLER—this was Handler’s first book, released before she was popular. Each chapter is a different one night stand.

Now that you’ve seen the Chick Lit books I’ve read and loved enough to recommend, here are some that are on my current wish list…

CLEAVING: A STORY OF MARRIAGE, MEAT, AND OBSESSION BY JULIE POWELL—all I know is there’s an affair and food involved…



YOU’LL NEVER BLUE BALL IN THIS TOWN AGAIN: ONE WOMAN’S PAINFULLY FUNNY QUEST TO GIVE IT UP BY HEATHER MCDONALD—she is one of the comics on Chelsea Lately and I’m curious if she can write…


AUDITION: A MEMOIR BY BARBARA WALTERS—my grandmother loved Barbara Walters, so I’m interested to learn more about her.









Well now that you know all my Chick Lit obsessions‚ I’ve got to know about yours! Let’s hear it…

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