Tag Archives: morganettes

Promo Girl/Lebron James Politics

So does Camille Grammer have anal leakage or what? Every time I type in my little log on and password and head to our dashboard I see this:

top searches

camille grammer anal leakage

I know it’s not uncommon for our blog to yield as a search result when people google disgusting things such as anal leakage, since I did use that as an example of something that someone might ask our advice on, but what I don’t get is who the eff out there wants to read about Camille Grammer’s anal leakage? I mean #1 how do you even get anal leakage and #2 Why do you want to read about it? Tell me this please.  You, the one googling anal leakage, you have some explaining to do, SHOW YOURSELF!

Speaking of anal leakage, has everyone seen that new facebook feature where you can ‘view a friendship’? I did this with several of my friends and was slightly disturbed by my own sense of humor when that video I posted last week of the fat guy licking his man boobs to “I kissed a girl” came up on 98% of my friendship pages.  Sigh. I think I might need a life coach.  The other 2% of my friends had a picture of a mexican fiesta pop up when I tried to plan a cruise to Cabo Wabo with my college friends and the only one who agreed to go was Anth.  Thumbs DOWN.

So, today’s post is about being a promo girl.  You think you have what it takes?

The first step is to select your category, are you:

1. Preppy/Think your shit don’t stank?

2. Hot, drunk, and stupid

3.  Ugly, old, and fat

4. a hodge podge of races with fluctuating weight

If you chose 1, congratulations you can be like me! You can work for Captain Morgan, Crown Royal, Jose Cuervo, Ursus, and many more!

If you chose 2, today is your first day of Jagarmeister rush! ON THE GROUND!

If you chose 3, you are an imported beer queen.  Heineken, dos equis? At your service gramps!

If you chose 4, I’m sorry.  You are a miller girl.

I probably fit better into category #2 because you know, drunk. But I take what I can get.

In all seriousness I have a question/favor to ask of you, our loyal readers.  Do you guys think I could charge a fee for people to hang out with me? Like as a service? I would name the company, “You’ve got a friend in Gizzy” like nerds who don’t have friends could call me up and pay me like $50 and I would let them get me drunk infront of their co-workers or something/I could wear something “showy” for added impressment (thanks for the idear, Anth.)

I ask because I am bombing interviews left and right and my life has actually come down to the point where I think my stepmom is getting me a job.  Which makes me sad.  Because I wanted to move far away and be all independent woman and come home for the 4th of July and be like, “Hey everyone meet my hot actor boyfriend, his name is Zac Efron.  Yeah the one from high school musical.  What about Vanessa? Oh he dumped her when he met me because god she is like sooooo 2009.”  But it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen anymore, because at one point it did.  When I was meeting celebrities left and right and they thought I was cool.  But now I’m like Matt McFaggot, a has been in the eyes of Hollywood.

It all started when Lebron James denied me a picture, he’s the one who made hanging out with Gizzy not be cool anymore.  Meatloaf, Lynard Skynard, Drew Carey, Shawn Marion, John Mellencamp, and Candace Cameron (yep, I’m name dropping all the celebrities I have met because I am depressed but this is making it worse because nobody really knows who any of these people are anymore) all thought it was cool to hang out with me.  But no here I am paroozing around one day chit chatting with Anderson Varejao having a grand old time when Lebron comes along.

When Lebron walks up.  Like any warm blooded American would do I pull down my shirt a little and bat my eyes at him, we shoot the shit because I’m so. cool. and then ask for a picture because obviously no one would ever believe I was hanging out with Lebron James and Anderson Varejao when I’m not even from Cleveland and Lebron says, “Naw girl, just for the kids.”

After that I pretty much made it my life mission to run into Lebron again when I am famous and deny him a photo.  Like be at some awards show (the oscars, with Zac) and see Lebron pull up behind me and linger around the red carpet for him to be like, “Gizenator my girl! Lets get a pic for the paps.” And I can be like, “Naw Lebron, just for celebrities.”

Really though, I know everyone wants to know how I was hanging out with Lebron and Anderson.  A friend of mine gave me post game passes for the Cavs when they were playing the team from the state I am from.  So, I got drunk at the game and was eyeing Anderson because he seemed nice.  When Lebron walks up, vagina blocks and shatters my ego for not being a kid for the rest of my life.

So there you have it.  It was my one chance to meet a nice, successful guy and Lebron James ruined it. And I am out for revenge.  Ok, mayybbeee his hair is a little crazy but I can deal with it, he was nice and brazilian. And I am pissed all over again.

Anywho, I think I am getting set up with someone tomorrow.  My friend Betty said she has “someone she wants me to meet.”  I don’t know how I feel about this because the last time she tried to set me up with someone it was an epic fail and made me realize that she clearly has no idea what I look for in guys.  I haven’t asked any questions about this guy because honestly I don’t want to know, if I know before hand that I’m not going to like him I’ll probably try and find a way to cancel which will piss her off so best to be surprised right? RIGHT! But this last guy was baaaad, she met him at a club, he was nerdy, weird, and basically the complete opposite of everything I look for.  At one point I actually pulled her aside where she said, “He’s nice right? Why aren’t you saying a word to him?” and I had to be like, “Honestly? Do you hate me? Why would you do this?” At which point I decided to make myself seem unattractive to him so he wouldn’t ask for my number or anything.  We were at Betty’s having some drinks on her deck with her husband at the time, and our couple friends Chad and Rachel.  Chad said he wanted to go to the gas station to buy some cigarettes so I handed him my credit card and asked him to stop and get me Mcdonalds AND taco bell.  I think it worked.

It just makes me nervous, because when Betty is picking out guys for her friends they are really guys for her.  I liked her husband, he was really nice, not so much what I long for physically but you know it’s whatevs.  I guess I could hope she shows up with Kelsey Grammer, even though he’s a little old for me.  I could be Hollywood for a while.  Her current boyfriend is an archaeologist professor and talks with big words.  The 3 of us went canoeing and I remember him saying some big word and I asked what it meant and he said “water” like why wouldn’t you just say water? You’re not hanging out with jeopardy winners or anything.

Well, since Lucky’s dad is in town you guys are stuck with me all weekend.  Tonight I’m working with the Captain and The Captain’s Crystal sooo…. giddy up!

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Captain’s Quarrel

I had this awesome dream last night about me and Channing Tatum.  We were both soldiers leaving for Iraq.  We had both been eyeing each other before we boarded the plane, but this plane was like a super plane and we had bedrooms and 1 roommate.  Alas, Channing Tatum was my roommate.  But what! What is this? Our room only had ONE BED, and it was a full bed so we had to share. At first we did the appropriate respectful thing and slept head to combat boot.  But then I felt bad because every time we hit turbulence he would hit his head on the metal footboard so I told him if he wanted he could turn around and lay the same way as me.  So he did, and we made out, and then he started being cute and telling me about all my mannerisms that he had noticed since we boarded the plane like when Tad Hamilton recited all of Rosalee’s different laugh’s to her in Win a Date With Tad Hamilton but really they were the laughs that Pete had noticed. And I was like OMG Iraq is the best! And then I woke up and I was super pissed because obviously there was about to be a killer sex scene but you know, you can’t get any in real life so you sure as hell aren’t going to get any from Channing Tatum in your dream.  I kept replaying what I could remember  from the dream while I tried to fall back asleep in my head hoping that we could pick up where we left off but it never happened.  Sigh.

I believe I may have unknowingly gotten myself into a love triangle this past weekend and now I am scared of getting caught and I haven’t even really done anything wrong, yet. So I’ve been working Captain Morgan gig’s like none other.  I get paid $25 an hour so why not dress like a hooker 2 nights out of the week right?  I’ve been working in a nearby college town with a crew that I have met but never really worked with.  Typically when we’re working a Captain event it’s 1 captain, 2 Morganette’s, and a manager.  Well before I came along this girl, we’ll call her Crystal because it’s a trashy name, had always been the manager but now I was signing up for the manager and she was having to dress like a hooker.  However, Crystal dates the Captain for like 3 years.  They are 22 so it’s not like the forces of spiced rum and a horny pirate brought them together.

So last week Crystal is texting me getting all shitty because Captain is worried about the events that I am managing going well because they think I am inexperienced and don’t know what I am doing.  I hate to break it to them, but I have managed more events and been with the company longer which is why I AM THE MANAGER, so they should step off and learn a thing or 2.  I told her not to worry about it and just to show up dressed in her wench’s uniform 15 minutes before they were set to go on.  I had to go to Captain’s apartment and pick up some things for the event because he refused to mail them to me so we spent some time shooting the shit before we left for the event.  Friday night goes magnificently.

Saturday night it’s, me the Captain, and another girl Smashley working.  Smashley calls in and when I tell the Captain it’s just me and him he gets a little too excited and asks me to come over and drive us both to the event.  So I do and the event is a bust, there’s 5 people in the bar so we do our spiel then we sit down to have a drink since we have to stay there for an hour and he’s all over me.  We go back to his place I change, he tells me if I want to stay and go out tonight I can stay at his place.  I say maybe next time because I have no clothes.  I leave.

I’m about halfway home when he starts texting me asking if we can hang out next weekend because he likes me yada yada yada and we text all night Saturday night, all day/night Sunday, and already today.  Normally I would never come between a couple but I have heard that he is afraid to dump Crystal because he is afraid she will beat him.  Crystal is not nice and also a raging bitch.  She’s about the same size as Captain (and he’s not small) BUT she is gorgeous.  I have also heard that Captain has cheated on Crystal before and she caught him, and told all of the girls we work with that he was “actin’ up”  this scares me because I never heard how she caught him.  She might go through his phone, in which case I am a dead girl walking.  I haven’t done anything wrong, yet.  He is the one that has been making the inappropriate comments and asking to hang out.  AND if I do decide to hang out with him I will ask him what is going on between the two of them.  But, I kind of don’t feel bad because she is such a bitch and treats him horribly.  I’m not looking to date him because he’s kind of a dumb dumb but he is hot so I would throw him a few make out sesh’s.  We have gotten to know each other a little bit and have a few similar interests and I am starting to think he might be bi-sexual or maybe just a huge metro or maybe he is just sensitive I have no idea, but…

These are the things I know about Captain:

-He is creepily into chick flicks.  Especially those with Isla Fisher.

-He has a hobby of fidgeting with car stereos (and has graciously offered to fix mine.)

-He loves Halo.

-He’s into vampire movies, that he watches with a minimum of 1 light on.

-He calls himself a nerd.

-He doesn’t drink unless he is going out with a crew of at least 4 people.

-He has a weird asian roommate named Raymundo.

-He sends out texts that he thinks are deep.  Ex: “If you never stand for anything your going to be sitting your whole life.”  – “Your” dumb dumb.

-His mother taught him to never go through a woman’s purse, yet he went through mine anyway (with permission.)

-He thinks men with Australian accents are sexy.

-He whole heartedly believes that oreo’s will make anything better.

-He hates people (maybe we are soulmates.)

-He own’s a white faux fur winter hat.

-He thinks that “liar” is spelled “lier.”

-“House” is his favorite t.v. show.

-He can grow a beard in 3.5 days.

Now, take these Captain fun facts as you will.  I’m not sure what to do with them yet, but I will take diligent notes from here on out of any encounters I have with Captain and Captain’s Crystal.


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