Tag Archives: peta

I’ll kill it. I will.

I don’t know where to start.   There’s 4 things on today’s agenda:

1. I got in trouble at work

2. I got in a fight with Anth

3. I dumped HOTTIE and shoved a fork in his eye.

4. I live with a snake.

But not in that order.  Although that order would make more sense then the order in which it all actually went down.

It all started a few weeks ago before I got the plague and was deemed terminally ill.  I was going home for the weekend for some good old TLC when I decided to stop and have dinner with HOTTIE on my way through.  All was good in the hood until a text popped up on his iphone.  (Iphones.  Blast!) It read:

Text Message WHORE #2

I know that since you’re all up to speed on your outdated Cocktails At Tiffany’s characters you’re sitting there thinking, “Wait a tick, WHORE #2 is a whore of Snoop-Linus.” And with those thoughts you would be correct.  Which is why I was instantly infuriated.  Not only was HOTTIE FULLY aware of my man hating trust issues, he also knew every last detail of what went down with Snoop and all of the whores, #2 included.  So imagine my surprise when I see her name pop up on his phone.  No, I didn’t grab the phone and speed off to the bathroom to analyze every text and then smash it like I wanted to.  I simply said:

“What the fuck is this shit?” (Now mind you, I normally don’t cuss when I am fighting with someone face to face because I think it’s tacky/trashy and we know I’m all about the CLASS.  So I was pretty much as pissed as a Gizzy can get.)

To which he said, “Oh what, WHORE #2? She’s cool, she’s my friend.  She probably wants to party tonight or something.”

Which left me with one choice.  To stand up and stab him in the face with a fork.   Kidding kidding.  Even though I totes wanted to.  But I did make a scene by standing up and throwing my napkin on the table and screaming, “FUCK THIS AND FUCK YOU!” And then I stormed out of the restaurant and realized my car was parked like 2 miles away.  I walked, because I’ll be damned if I was going back in there to look weak and say, “Umm hey, can you take me to my car?” Which is what he totally expected because it took him 2 weeks to call me and apologize.  But he did call.  Sunday – just in time for Valentines Day.

The conversation went down pretty much how you would expect.  He apologized for being the biggest douche on the face of the Earth and I told him an apology didn’t mean jack shit 2 weeks later and he could go live it up on drug island with WHORE #2.  He claimed she’s just a friend, I claimed she’s just a whore. He asked to see me again, I asked where he got the ring so that I could kindly return it, and he hung up on me.  HE hung up on ME.  Yeah wtf, that’s some BULL-shit!

So here I am back to square 1.  Anth feeling ever so sorry for me because I picked another winner and had a crying fit Monday morning when I realized one of our roommates has a boa constrictor living in his room,  (Which I am totes NOT ok with.  Anth claims he told me, which he absolutely did not.  It’s cool though, if I ever see the thing I’m going to kill it, which is what I told him. Don’t go all PETA on me, because I don’t care.  If it ever gets out of it’s cage, it’s dead.  End of story, there is no purpose for a snake in the city and I’m not going to get choked out in the middle of the night and served for dinner because this guy needs to feel like a “man” and own a snake.  No!) offered to take me out for Valentines Day on Monday so I got all ready, I even curled my hair and put on perfume, and then he stood me up.  Some words were exchanged, I went out to dinner with an ex out of spite (like Anth cares), went to work yesterday with what might be the biggest hangover of my adult career and got in trouble.

Here’s the thing, when I was hired and numerous times after that, my boss explained that we have “flex time.”  So we are allowed to come in anywhere between 7:30 and 10 and have to stay 7.5 hours then we can go home.  Last time I checked 9:30 was within those hours but yesterday I got in trouble for being late.  My boss said, “Next time call and let me know.”  I said OK, but lady – after what time do you consider me late? Because I’m pretty sure I was on time.  IDK.  I can’t take these old people.  They’re all senile.

So in case you were wondering Anth came home from work tonight and we played Jeopardy like it ain’t no thang.  However, I did find a pair of my shoes in the oven – so I’m not really sure what happened on Valentines Day while I was gone.

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Murry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone!!!  Lucky and I wish you all the best on this joyous day!

 

I’m a tool.

I hope everyone gets what they want this year… I was all about putting the picture of me and Hanson in the snow from 8th grade on here for your viewing/laughing pleasure but I can’t find it, so you’ll just have to settle for my warm wishes and a cheap promise that I’ll try to find the picture by the end of the year to post.

Have a great day! And please email/comment to us with your craziest holiday stories from this year, it’ll make our Christmas bright!  Ok… enough time to bring in Christmas with this Christmas Monkey, who is obviously drunk.  Toot-a-loo!


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100th Post! 100 goodies!

The day has finally come everyone! (Sorry about the tags, I got carried away/wanted to get a bunch of hits.) Our 100th post has arrived!!!! HAPPY 100TH POST DAY TO US AND TO YOU!!! WOOHOOO!!!! (Picture me twirling my noise maker.) And for the 100th post Lucky and I have decided to revamp Cocktails at Tiffany’s so that we can not only tickle our 5 readers to death with all of these exciting changes but also so that we can grab the attention of some people with lots of money (Kelsey Grammer) who might be interested in sponsoring us to be us.  Here’s what you have to look forward to in the coming weeks/months:

Weekend posts, audio posts(mostly drunken), a new COCKTAILSATTIFFANYS.COM web address DOT COM!, a Dear L,G,&ShyGuy advice segment , posts about Lucky and Gizzy’s upcoming reunion and the shenanigans that will ensue *ahem* black wednesday, new years eve, and dressing up as fruit of the loom at 7 o’clock in the morning to drink and be merry at Gizzy’s alma mater’s rival football game, but mostly the moment you’ve all been waiting for, the announcement of what won the 100th post poll.  It was a 3 way tie between post our middle school pics, 100 Lucky and Gizzy fun facts, and meet 100 guys. It was a hard decision and the winner is…

Ready….

[Drumroll]

…..

..

.

Not Yet…

ALL 3! (I said WHOMP! DER it is! Everyboday! WHOMP! Der it is)So let’s jump right on in the 100th post pool like we waited 20 minutes after eating but we really only waited 2.

100 Fun Facts on Lucky & Gizzy:

1. Gizzy will not eat boneless wings from Buffalo Wild Wings unless they are accompanied by Bud Light Lime and buffalo chips and cheese with 2 cups of ranch.  Some call this OCD.
2. Lucky has a massive fear of soggy bread, which she thinks derived from watching people throw bread at ducks in a pond at a young age. As a result, she doesn’t eat stuffing, dumplings, bread bowls, or double-decker sandwiches. (G Note: HAHA Should’ve thrown them some QUACKERS! God, I am funny.)
3. Gizzy puts on 3 coats of burts bees chapstick every night before bed. More OCD.
4. Lucky’s favorite movie has, and always will be, Home Alone.
5. Gizzy habitually eats old candy out of the bottom of her purse in front of people and thinks it’s ok.
6. Lucky’s lucky numbers are 3, 7, and 35.
7. Gizzy’s first job was at Osh Kosh B’Gosh where she remained for 6 years, well into college.
8. Lucky hates Dan Brown. And wishes him a painful death.
9. Gizzy sleeps with a giant stuffed pink flamingo.
10. Lucky is currently on the hunt for a faux fur vest. Eat that, PETA.
11. Gizzy suffers from insomnia which is really hurting her chances at ever getting a real job but enables her to think with new inventors via late night infomercials.
12. Lucky knows how to play one song on the guitar: The Nicest Thing by Kate Nash.
13. Gizzy and Lucky have recently discovered if they attend their 1o year high school reunion it will be exactly like Romy and Michelle’s High School Reunion.  Instead of inventing the post it, they have decided to purchase cubic zirconia rings and say their fiances are in London making deals.
14. Lucky wishes MTV would’ve had a second season of “Rich Girls,” starring Ali Hilfiger.
15. Gizzy’s mother agreed to let her name her little sister (Ella) because there is a good chance she will never get to name a child of her own.
16. Lucky knows everyone hates Dane Cook, but she still thinks he is hot and really funny.
17. Gizzy lost her virginity drunk, high, in a frat shower and under blue christmas lights to her ex-boyfriend, and moments later found out he had a new girlfriend. She is scarred for life.
18. Gizzy & Lucky were mildly obsessed with Justin Timberlake’s debut solo album, Justified.
19. Gizzy can text at the rate of 150 wpm.
20. Lucky is convinced that John Mayer is indeed the love of her life. No seriously, she isn’t just saying that. She truly believes that is why love hasn’t worked with anyone else.
21. Gizzy doesn’t care, she will watch Full House reruns and laugh at them like they are new until the day she dies.
22. Lucky auditioned for Playboy when she was in college. No, she didn’t make it. Only because she didn’t eff the photographer.
23. Gizzy strives to be fashionable but fails and fails again.
24. Lucky & Gizzy met over an out-of-control love for Hanson. That, and their phone numbers were one-digit different from each other’s.
25. Gizzy got dumped in high school by a guy with 2 letters for a name who she didn’t know was her boyfriend until he stated, “I just don’t like calling you my girlfriend.”
26. Lucky lives on the second floor of an apartment complex because she thinks she has less of a chance of getting robbed.
27. On senior spring break in high school Gizzy finally drunkenly made out with her high school crush in a bed in her and Lucky’s hotel room, then threw up on him.  A girl who would later become his girlfriend did the exact same thing the following night.
28. Lucky saves all of her ticket stubs.
29. Once Gizzy got hired as the assistant manager of the snack shop at a golf course and got fired after a month for being too awesome.
30. Lucky has never smoked weed. Ever. And she never will.
31. Gizzy firmly believes her life should play out like a romantic comedy.
32. Lucky’s favorite cereal is Lucky Charms. She eats the bread/cereal first, then the marshmallows.
33. Gizzy went to college for pre-med, then discovered frat parties.
34. Lucky & Gizzy purposely bought each other silver flasks for Christmas one year.
35. The only condiment Gizzy will eat is ketchup, and lots of it.
36. Lucky was a bartender in college…and afterward. She got fired for “not being slutty enough.”
37. Gizzy could eat nacho cheese doritos until the cows come home.  Even after stepdad told her he found rat poop in a bag of them once.
38. Lucky has fond memories of riding her tricycle indoors as a child.
39. Gizzy had diarrhea in her pants on the first day of 8th grade during a convocation in the school gym and stayed until the end.
40. Lucky is a Mac. (G too! And damn proud of it!)
41. Once Gizzy flashed an ex-boyfriend in the Red Lobster.
42. One of Lucky’s favorite books is Truman Capote’s, In Cold Blood.
43. Lucky and Gizzy were ecstatic when Kelsey Grammer followed them on twitter.  He is their new favorite celeb.
44. Lucky was the captain of her high school dance team.
45. Her freshman year of high school Gizzy tried to convince a guy to let her practice making out with him for her senior boyfriend. He said no.
46. Lucky & Gizzy played a game of speed on Lucky’s 19th birthday. Instead of beer, they drank screwdrivers. They believe they both barfed glitter, and Lucky was convinced she was going to die at 19.
47. Gizzy refuses to wear the color brown.
48. Lucky hasn’t been able to take a shot of Rumplemintz since she got sick from it. Jager, however, is a different story.
49. Gizzy will go out as a braless hippie as often as possible.
50. Lucky secretly wants to be like Carrie Underwood and marry a professional hockey player (you know, if John Mayer doesn’t come to his senses).
51. This is totally disgusting, but sometimes Gizzy thinks that after a big ol’ poop she’ll have no problem giving birth to a baby.
52. Lucky enjoys every movie featuring Vince Vaughn.
53. Gizzy likes to drink Goldschlager just because the little gold pieces cut your throat and she thinks it makes her more badass.
54. It isn’t a rare thing for Lucky to turn on Bonnie Raitt’s greatest hits and sing a full-fledged concert to no one, using a broom for a microphone.
55. Gizzy has an odd obsession with monkeys.
56. Lucky hasn’t watched an episode of The Office since they ripped the wedding dance from YouTube.
57. If the guys from The Buried Life came to Gizzy’s town and asked what she wanted to do before she died she would say, “Be inducted into the Cyrus family.”
58. If she wasn’t a writer, Lucky would want to be a chef. Maybe one day, she’ll be both.
59. Gizzy’s middle name is Rae.  Gizzy Rae Cyrus, at your service.
60. Lucky is an only child.
61. Gizzy aspires to one day be a good enough bowler that someone will ask her to join a league.
62. In high school, Lucky saw a psychic who told her that her parents would get divorced. And they did.
63. Gizzy likes to play The Sims (nerd alert) and recently forced her male rockstar sim to father 24 children, for funsies.
64. Lucky drinks dark beer, and as far as wine, she loves Merlot and Malbec. Mixed drink? Stoli and soda with one lime.
65. At age 7 Gizzy broke her arm and was stung by a pack of jellyfish.  On the same day.  Which happened to be Easter.
66. Lucky & Gizzy wore acrylic nails their senior year of high school. And it still didn’t help them get guys.
67. Gizzy was kicked out of a bar in college for her friend Dave’s 21st birthday for throwing a glass of water at the bartender because he cut her off.
68. If Lucky could eat one food for the rest of her life, it would be french fries. Or anything with peanut butter.
69. Gizzy tried to 69 once and failed. (Lucky says, for rizzle? How do you fail at that?)(Gizzy says, gravity and weak arms.)
70. Lucky once had a job as a carhop, slinging fried tenderloins and ice cream.
71. Gizzy eats her hamburgers plain with nothing on them.
72. Lucky is certain that Tu-Pac is alive, but not Biggie. She also thinks Aliyah was reincarnated to become Ashanti.
73. Gizzy’s drink choices are as follows: Captain Morgan, Red Wine, and Bud Light Lime.
74. She goes to the movies by herself more than she does with friends.
75. As a child Gizzy idolized Baywatch.
76. Lucky does not have an iPhone. She rocks a red Blackberry curve.
77. Gizzy was kicked out of another bar in college for falling asleep in a booth.
78. Gizzy & Lucky both have horrible eyesight, resulting in contacts and coke bottle glasses.
79. Gizzy was kicked out of a 3rd and final bar in college for standing on a table after the San Diego Chargers beat the Chicago Bears and screaming, “VICTORY BITCHES!” Gizzy does not like football and does not recall this, but heard it happened.
80. Lucky is a jealous person. She is envious of the rich and famous, anyone who is engaged or married, and anyone who drives a nicer car than her.
81. For Halloween in 8th grade Lucky threw a “Dress As Your Favorite Musician” party.  Gizzy dressed as Zac Hanson and Lucky as Alanis Morisette.
82. Lucky has naturally blond hair, but has dyed it dark brown for the last six years.
83. Gizzy will lie about her college gpa to anyone who will listen.
84. Lucky has only been out of the country once, on a cruise to Cozumel. She came close when she visited the Virgin Islands, but it doesn’t count.
85. On her 21st birthday, Gizzy took 26 shots and did not throw up, on her roommates 21st birthday Gizzy took 26 shots and threw up a whole cheesestick.
86. Lucky wants to start reading Lauren Conrad’s book series, and the Style book.
87. Gizzy worked at Victoria’s Secret for 1 month last Christmas in order to get a free bra for going through training.
88. Lucky agrees with ex-countess Luann, that “Money can’t buy you class,” but she still wants a lot of it.
89. Gizzy dry heaves when she sees snakes.
90. Lucky isn’t a movie buff. And she is especially bad at remembering names of actors/actresses.
91. Gizzy and Lucky once made out with the same guy in the same night.  His name was Karl.  They both slept on couches in his frat house living room in sleeping bags.
92. Lucky donates money to the local food bank each Thanksgiving.
93. Gizzy donates her time to the local American Legion Post in order to drink free beer.
94. Lucky doesn’t like Tyra or Oprah, and it’s because they’re annoying, not because they’re black.
95. Gizzy painted her bedroom red in high school and her parents still cringe at the sight of it.
96. Gizzy & Lucky both have huge racks (or, booberries).
97. Gizzy is a certified hypochondriac.
98. Lucky wears a pair of pink argyle slippers around her apartment (or white sweater boots, or leopard slippers).
99. Gizzy and Lucky almost got arrested once for underage drinking while home for the summer from college at a friend’s lakehouse.  The only words exchanged during the encounter: Gizzy to Lucky -> “We’re going to jail.”
100. Lucky has painted all of the paintings in her apartment (total: 8).

Next up on THE FUN FABULOUS 100TH POST DAY… is our pictures.  Aweeee, with captions, how exciting!

That’s me in 6th grade, with my parents. Before they got divorced. And no, I’m not from Miami—although my mom could’ve fooled you with her ring watch and fanny pack and everything.

Hey loser, Lucky! Yep, that’s me in 8th grade, wearing my uniform for the school dance team, the faggots.

That’s Gizzy, on the last day of 8th grade. Don’t worry Giz, Nike Air was cool then. THIS, WAS A ROUGH TIME! Also that is stepdad’s shirt, so embarrassing.

That’s me in high school, probably freshman or sophomore year. And I thought I was Hillary Duff. And I’m carry an Espirit purse. Christ.

Gizzy and I at our friends’ high school graduation party. Yeah, we look so cool in our Hollister gear. Since we are surfers and all.

Gizzy and me on winter break our freshman year of college. Which is why I look disgusting. I mean seriously, the freshman 15 didn’t miss a pound. Gawd.

Gizzy and me about to go to a Hanson concert. We were shitty drunk, I was in my cigarette phase. And still pretty huge. This is the summer before sophomore year in college.

Starting off pictures de Gizzy, we have me here dressed to the nines, clearly, with a fake dog trying to look innocent and sexy.  Moving on…

This is me dressed as Zac Hanson before Lucky’s “Dress As Your Favorite Musician” party in 8th grade.  Obviously, still going through that rough time.  Oh, what’s that framed photo on the wall you ask? Why here, it’s me and my mom’s glamour shots:

Also embarrassing.  But funny story, after we got these done a girl in my class at school stole the proofs and never gave them back.  Obviously she was jealous of my beauty.  I can see why.

Moving on to later in the 8th grade year we have my slumber party.  In the first photo you see we are playing light as a feather stiff as a board with Lucky’s body, obviously it’s working. The second picture is me with my Hanson cake.  That is all.

Here we find Lucky and myself on our last day of school sophomore year in high school.  I like this picture because of Lucky’s luscious half golden locks and my 1 strap tank top.  Christ.

Here we find Lucky getting ready before our senior winter formal posing with her self portrait back there on the wall (she says it’s not a self portrait because it has red hair but I think that’s up for interpretation.)

Here we are all ready to go to the formal.  As each other’s dates, but not before we take each other out to dinner first. And there I am with that awesome 1 strap again. 2003 fashion is so fetch.

Here is me, our friend E, and Lucky on twins day before our senior spring break.  We’re such a good time in our white tee’s and saucy jean skirts and pig tails. I love how I am like, the conservative one here in my long skirt and elbow tee. Fuck my ass.

Here Lucky and I are sitting outside of Hooters on our Senior spring break to Ft. Myers Beach, Florida, this was mere hours before I puked on my crush.  See the smile?

Here we are, the freaks waaaayyy in the back wearing Mardi Gras masks on Bourbon Street in NOLA (Pre-Katrina) where Lucky and I flew in, met up, and joined forces for our fall breaks freshman year of college.  Some may call this foreshadowing, but you can expect us to post a new picture of us on Bourbon Street on New Years *HINT*HINT* OK cats out of the bag.  Lucky and I are joining forces again and flying into New Orleans to party hardy for New Years Eve.  WAHOO!! You know we’ll get some good bloggin’ out of dat!

Here you’ll find me in the front, Lucky in the black, and Jossie peeing… after the bars one night I’m assuming? But who knows. Yes, I used to make it my goal to piss in public after the bars. No really.


Candice Cameron aka DJ TANNER wanted to stop in and say she approves this message.  (Soooo politico, Cameron.)

And the third, and final, part of this blog (the longest one in the world, sorry, WAKEUP) is LUCKY & GIZZY do 100 men. Ok, so maybe not “do” but meet. We’re going to split the job 50-50.

There are no rules to this game, we don’t have to give 100 guys our phone numbers or go on 100 dates.  We simply must meet 100 men and acquire the following information before January 1, 2011:

1. Name We really don’t need to waste our time with names, we’re assigning them each a number between 1 and 100.  How’s that for a study? Take that, bastards!

2. Relationship Status [criss, cross, applesauce that they’re all single!]

3. Age

4. Occupation (ugh)

5. Fun fact

We’ll give a description of what they look like too and if the cards are right we will get a picture of/with them, if it turns into more and we give them our number/get theirs, well that will be better for you because we’ll probably get a good lil bloggy out of it.  But we have got a lot of work to do.  We’re shooting for a 10% phone number range, as in we each expect to be talking to at least 5 guys by the end of this little game.  We won’t be telling the guys what we’re doing, although when they see us diligently typing notes into our blackberry’s they might figure it out, we’ll never tell.  So strap down your seatbelts and strap on your condoms, (strap on your dildos?)the rest of this year is about to be a wild ride…Day 1 starts now!

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