Tag Archives: reading

I solemnly swear to never walk alone again

Lately I’ve been trying to make an effort to make myself not be so miserable in the big city.  I’ve applied for several jobs and gotten no phone calls for interviews, so as much as I don’t want to admit it – I may be stuck here for a while.  I thought maybe I should try to embrace the city and figure out a way to make it work until someone decides to throw a new job at me.

It’s been unseasonably warm the past few weeks so yesterday I decided that after I got home from work I would walk to Target to get a few things I needed.  I could get some exercise while enjoying the nice weather and get my errands done, why not kill 2 birds with 1 stone? With that being said, yesterday will probably be the first and last time I walk anywhere that’s more than a block or two away.

The area that I live in isn’t the best, but it’s not bad by any means.  There are some sketchy blocks here and there where there is some low-income housing, but I didn’t think it would be a big deal.

On my way to Target it wasn’t so bad, it was still daylight and yes all the hood rats were outside on the sidewalks most of them didn’t bat an eye when I walked by.  After I passed one group and got a pretty good distance away, I heard one of the women yelling at me, “Hey pink! Hey pink come back here! Hey girl, hey why don’t you come back here?” I knew she was talking about me because the word PINK was plastered across my ass.  I didn’t turn around, I didn’t know what she wanted and I definitely didn’t want to find out.

I probably could have avoided that happening at all if I had thought it out a little more.  Note to self: Don’t wear name brand clothing or bring your faux Jimmy Choo along for the walk through the hood.

So I made it to Target, got everything I wanted and decided to walk to the bookstore to get a new Nicholas Sparks book (Lucky gave me The Lucky One to read and now I’m hooked). So after the book store I was headed home, it was dark out but you know the big city has lots of lights so I didn’t feel like I was going to get murdered in an alley or anything or that it was unsafe to walk by myself.

As I was walking by this abandoned building/parking lot I noticed man probably in his mid forties wandering around the parking lot aimlessly.  It was a little weird because he definitely didn’t seem like he was walking because he was going somewhere.  I got to a cross walk and stopped but I could see him stumbling toward me out of the corner of my eye.  I positioned myself so that if he came up to the corner I would be facing him and not have my back turned to him.  Better to be safe than sorry.  I was hoping the light would change and I could scurry across the street before the guy reached the corner, but of course that didn’t happen.

The man made it to the corner and I got a better look at him, he was heavy-set – probably like 250 pounds at least and wasn’t much taller than me, he couldn’t have been more than 5’8”.  But then, the guy kept walking and got super close to me, like right in my face.  Literally like 6 inches away and I could just smell his nasty breath.  He was missing most of his teeth and his eyes looked freaking cray cray.  [Insert Gizzy crapping her pants.]

The intersection we were at is pretty busy, so I’d like to hope that if I screamed or if the guy tried to attack me and people saw me struggling someone would get out of their car and help.  But who knows, it’s the big city and people are assholes.  What I was more afraid of was that the guy was just going to pull out a gun and shoot me in the stomach.  But instead, he was right in my face and said, “I know you.” After he talked I could tell he definitely wasn’t all there, he was either super wasted or semi-retarded, maybe both.  So I backed away, and said, “Um, NO.. you don’t.”  Then he got in my face again, “Yes. I do.” Then he just kept staring at me from inches away and every time I backed away he got right up in my face again.  Seriously, this was the longest damn stoplight of my life.

So then I had backed up as far as I could and I was up against the guard rail on the sidewalk and the guy said, “I’m just going across the street. Come with me.” I screamed, “NO!” and still had nowhere to go. Just in time this guy running stopped at the cross walk and came over and asked if he could walk me across the street.  I said “THANK GOD! YES!” Then the light changed and we started walking, the old fat man followed us but he was slow so I didn’t think he’d be able to catch up again unless I stopped.  The guy asked if I’d be ok to walk alone and I said yes that I didn’t live far and I was just going to run the rest of it with my shopping bags in tow to make sure I got far far away from that weirdo.

So I made it home, thankfully.  But I think from now on I’ll be driving wherever I need to go.

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Aunt Cray Cray and the language of love

Did all you baby momma’s have a good Mother’s Day? My mom did, we bought her a new digital camera and god damnit she better love it! She does.  

Anyway, I’m just going to jump right into this because I can’t contain the crazy in my head any longer.  We got together with the fam yesterday for Mother’s Day.  I know every family has that 1 crazy aunt or uncle that’s a little wacky, but my aunt takes the cake.  She’s been married and divorced twice and just broke up with her boyfriend of a year.  I can’t even tell you how we got on the topic of love and relationships but all fucking hell broke loose when we did.  

She talked about her failed marriages, her failed relationships, how she doesn’t know why men and women would ever be paired together because we’re so different.  Regardless of the fact that she’s about to turn 50, probably going through menopause, AND a mid-life crisis and the fact that she is single, she was dead serious about this shit. 

As if the rambling wasn’t enough, she got out her purse and started showing us religious relationship books that men at church had given her.  She went on about how it was so inappropriate that they gave her these books because she thinks they were hitting on her, but she read the books anyway and they had some solid advice, in her opinion. Book #1:

The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts

She explained that the 5 love languages is finding out what 5 things your partner needs to fill up their “love tank” and how to make each other feel loved.  Because friends, if you’re love tank is full, you are a happy camper.  She went on to tell us in order the 5 things she needs to fill up her love tank: 

#1 Touch (which she described as “making love” and “foreplay” and “lying around naked and feeling each other” ok Aunt Cray Cray, you liked to get boned… we get it.)

#2 Quality time (I would say this goes along with the boning, no humping and dumping allowed)

#3 Service (also boning related?)

#4 Gifts

#5 Affirmations

Then she proceeded to tell us about how she had analyzed her failed relationships and what she thought their 5 love languages were and how she wasn’t fulfilling them, but she’s going to overflow her new boyfriend’s love tank with what he needs.  Mind you, this was all over a Mother’s Day brunch and none of the rest of us could get a word in edge wise, I just continued to eat to subside how uncomfortable I felt.

She had a short question and answer period at the end of reading us this book and since I’m the only fucking single one other than Aunt Cray Cray the spotlight was on me. She asked if I was to the point in my life where I’m beginning to analyze my failed relationships.  “Um yeah Aunt Cray Cray, I’ve been doing that since I was 18” now why is it that you think you do that? “Um because I’m awesome.” nom nom nom nom.  She went on to say that she’s going to get me a copy of the book because I need to find out what will fill up my love tank before I can ever be in another relationship again or I’m going to be a miserable unhappy cat lady for the rest of my life.  Aunt Cray Cray, I’ll tell you what will fill up my love tank: Finding a nice guy who won’t cheat on me.  Boom! Love tank full.

She didn’t go in as deep with the other 2 books that she pulled out and honestly I can’t even remember the names of them because I was too busy picking my confidence out of the dumpster to pay attention to her rants any longer, but they were equally ridiculous.  

I’m pretty much used to getting the short end of the stick when it comes to my family, I’m the most successful so I get the most shit.  I’ve pretty much boiled it down to everyone needs to make me feel like shit about being single because that’s all they can make me feel bad about in order to make themselves feel better, and I’m fine with it because I know I’ve got my education even if I am single the rest of my god forsaken life.  AND YOU CAN’T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME, SO HAH!

When I first started college my 90 year old great grandmother asked if I was done being Lucifer’s whore.  I didn’t have any idea what she was talking about so I was all, “Granny, what in the eff are you talking about you crazy old bat?” Then she attempted to “shake the devil out of me” because I “was for sure going to hell for going to college away from my family, the lord, and what I knew.” Alright, whatevs, pass the peas.  So as you can see, being an unhappy old hag is nothing compared to being a whore to the devil himself.

It’s no surprise to any of you that Lucky and I are depressed that we are practically the only single women left in our circles of friends.  Having my family call me out on being single with really no shot at ever finding love because I don’t know what I want didn’t so much upset me as it made me want to take action.  So when my non-crazy aunt started talking about how they are going to do this 17 mile bike ride through the city streets 2 states away on memorial day weekend I jumped the gun and said, “I WANT TO GO!”  Do I know how to ride a bike? Yes. Do I own a bike? No.  Do I have any business riding 17 miles on a bike in 2 weeks when I get winded walking up a flight of stairs? Fuck no.  

So now I’m stuck with this dilemma.  I wrote her a check to sign me up for the bike marathon, if that’s what you want to call it, because my short idiotic thoughts were that I need to get some hobbies and do things away from the bottle in order to meet the kind of guys I consider husband worthy.  Which isn’t a bad thought, but I don’t think going into cardiac arrest and being unconscious in the middle of the street 2 states away is really going to find me that dream man I’m looking for either.  

Really my only option is to buy one of these bike buggys and beg someone to pull me along so I can get my $35 worth and my free t-shirt.


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Ladies in Lit.

According to my new favorite blog, Chick Lit is Not Dead, May is Chick Lit Month.

Umm…can I get a holla?

It was about my junior year in college when I entered the English/creative writing program at my school. It was something I held off doing, not because I didn’t like writing, just because I thought English majors were pretentious assholes who thought they were beatniks, wore berets, black turtlenecks (think Doug’s sister Judith), and snapped their fingers instead of clapping or laughing.

When I showed up for my first advanced-level English course, literary critique, my nightmares came true. Our professor, who obsessed over Lindt chocolates, asked us to go around the room and say our favorite book.

Students were rattling off the works of Aristotle and Nietzsche. I, on the other hand, was the sex-columnist for the school paper, so I often read columns and books by other sex writers. At the time, my favorite book was Chloe Does Yale by Natalie Krinsky (Yale’s first sex columnist).

I immediately felt like an outcast, but I didn’t let that stop me from loving chick lit. Now, I read all the time. I love memoirs, some fiction, true crime, biographies, and of course, romance.

So, in honor of Chick Lit Month, I thought I would share with you some of my favorite titles (in no particular order):

LIPSTICK JUNGLE BY CANDACE BUSHNELL—I’m sure this is no shocker after you all witnessed me swooning over season one on DVD…

AT FIRST SIGHT BY NICHOLAS SPARKS—Ah, I’ve read four novels by Sparks, and they are definitely a guilty pleasure. This one has a shocking ending!

MURDER AT THE ACADEMY AWARDS BY JOAN RIVERS—did you know comic Joan Rivers wrote? I found this book in a gift shop on a cruise with Buttons. It’s a murder mystery laced with celebrities and high fashion.

THE LAST SINGLE WOMAN IN AMERICA BY CINDY GUIDRY—this is the book that made me want to write a memoir. It’s absolutely hilarious.

WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES BY SHERRY ARGOV—if you’re that “nice girl” and always get screwed in dating, you must read this book! I am still learning lessons from it.

LA CANDY & SWEET LITTLE LIES BY LAUREN CONRAD—these are the first two books of a three-book series by ms. Conrad, and they are just that: candy. I just gobble them up!

THE LAST SONG BY NICHOLAS SPARKS—I saw this movie, then read the book and it was the first Sparks’ book I read. Seriously, it was so good. Emotional, but good.

ONE FIFTH AVENUE BY CANDACE BUSHNELL—last summer, I was on a mission to read all of Bushnell’s novels. This is my favorite one!

HOLLYWOOD WIVES: THE NEW GENERATION BY JACKIE COLLINS—ah, Collins, the original Chick Lit author. This was my first Collins’ novel and I loved it. Super sexy.

JULIE & JULIA BY JULIE POWELL—I saw this movie first, loved it, then read the book. They are both very different, but both good.

STRAIGHT UP & DIRTY BY STEPHANIE KLEIN—I read this book not too long ago and was literally laughing my ass off.

NIGHTS IN RODANTHE BY NICHOLAS SPARKS—I remember coming home from work one evening, cracking open this book, and drinking an entire bottle of wine. I finished the book that night, and had a nice lil buzz.

THE TIME TRAVELER’S WIFE BY AUDREY NIFFENEGGER—My mom loaned my this book, she kept saying she loved it, but it was sooooo graphic. It isn’t. It’s a wonderful read.

SEX & THE CITY BY CANDACE BUSHNELL—People often forget the fabulous television series is based on a book. And it is very, very different from the show.

CHASING HARRY WINSTON BY LAUREN WEISBURGER—from the author of The Devil Wears Prada, comes another book about fabulous, powerful women!

A WOMAN TRAPPED IN A WOMAN’S BODY BY LAUREN WEEDMAN—Gizzy loaned me this book, and it was hilarious!

LOVERS & PLAYERS BY JACKIE COLLINS—my second Collins’ book and it was just as sexy as the first.

MY HORIZONTAL LIFE BY CHELSEA HANDLER—this was Handler’s first book, released before she was popular. Each chapter is a different one night stand.

Now that you’ve seen the Chick Lit books I’ve read and loved enough to recommend, here are some that are on my current wish list…

CLEAVING: A STORY OF MARRIAGE, MEAT, AND OBSESSION BY JULIE POWELL—all I know is there’s an affair and food involved…

EAT, PRAY, LOVE: ONE WOMAN’S SEARCH FOR EVERYTHING ACROSS ITALY, INDIA AND INDONESIABY ELIZABETH GILBERT

HOW TO BE A HEPBURN IN A HILTON WORLD: THE ART OF LIVING WITH STYLE, CLASS, AND GRACE BY JORDAN CHRISTY—self explanatory.

YOU’LL NEVER BLUE BALL IN THIS TOWN AGAIN: ONE WOMAN’S PAINFULLY FUNNY QUEST TO GIVE IT UP BY HEATHER MCDONALD—she is one of the comics on Chelsea Lately and I’m curious if she can write…

OFFICIAL BOOK CLUB SELECTION: A MEMOIR ACCORDING TO KATHY GRIFFIN BY KATHY GRIFFIN

AUDITION: A MEMOIR BY BARBARA WALTERS—my grandmother loved Barbara Walters, so I’m interested to learn more about her.

AFTER ALL BY MARY TYLER MOORE

LAUREN CONRAD STYLE BY LAUREN CONRAD—love her style!

SUGAR AND SPICE BY LAUREN CONRAD—book 3!

I DO, NOW WHAT?: SECRETS, STORIES, AND ADVICE FROM A MADLY-IN-LOVE COUPLE BY GIULIANA RANCIC

IF YOU HAVE TO CRY, GO OUTSIDE: AND OTHER THINGS YOUR MOTHER NEVER TOLD YOU BY KELLY CUTRONE—I love this woman!

NORMAL GETS YOU NOWHERE BY KELLY CUTRONE

SUMMER AND THE CITY BY CANDACE BUSHNELL

TRADING UP BY CANDACE BUSHNELL

Well now that you know all my Chick Lit obsessions‚ I’ve got to know about yours! Let’s hear it…

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