All this talk of blind dates really got my wheels a turnin’. I was mentally trying to go through all the dates I have been on and realized that I have actually been on 3 blind dates and all 3 of them fall into the worst date ever category and then there was a few pity dates I went on that sucked ass too. So let’s just jump right to it shall we?
#5 The Quadruple Date
This date is exactly how it’s sounds. Twas my fifth year of college and my old roommate Jan told me she had a guy who “was like obsessed” with me and she wanted to know if I would be interested on going on a group date, I said hey why the hell not. When it came to be go time Jan and her fiance came to pick me up (sans date) and told me we were going to the Red Lobster, because I would always make Jan go eat there with me and she told this guy that I absolutely loooveee Red Lobby. Ok, yes I love me some Red Lobby but that’s not really where I wanted guys to think my dream date would take place. Anyway, Jan tells me Brad (the date) is meeting us there for some reason or another and we walk in and get to the table and it’s like a frickin surprise party for Gizzy, not only is Brad sitting there but there’s 4 other people at the table who I do not know. Some of Jan, Jan’s Fiance, and Brad’s friends. So as you can imagine it was literally the most awkward meal of my life having 6 people sitting there making no conversation amongst themselves and just watching Brad and myself to see if sparks were flying, which they were not.
#4 The Ruby Boobie Guy
One summer I worked at Ruby Tuesday, I’ll pause here for you to quiet your laughter. And there wasn’t much going on with me romantically because I worked all the time and knew I was only home for the summer so I wasn’t looking to hook up with any townies from home. But there was this one guy, Brett, that worked with me who was tall and kind of pot heady looking but he was funny and at work I would flirt with him. The whole Ruby boobie crew were all friends with each other, most of them were 21 and I wasn’t so they would go out to the bars together blah blah blah. So one day Brett asks me on a date, I think he’s joking and laugh in his face and walk away. Then the bartender comes up and tells me that Brett was serious and has a whole date planned out to take me on. So then I felt bad so I told him I would go. Well it gets to be the day before the date and one of my Ruby boobie co-workers pulls me aside and informs me that Brett is going to take me to a nice dinner and to this place called the canal where you can pay and take a romantic ride in a gondolier. Well then I freaked out, “EWW I don’t want my first gondolier ride to be with HIM!” So naturally I made up some lie about how I couldn’t go and he insisted that we go on a date the following day. So I had to agree but thankfully I was able to convince him I only have enough time to see a movie, so that’s what we did and we met there because I was not looking forward to it. He tried to hold my hand and I told him no that I was a germaphobe and touching people’s hands would send me into an anxiety attack. The poor guy, I think in the end he maybe got a half ass hug, if that.
#3 Senior Prom Date
I was and still am friends with the guy who took me to prom my senior year, and we had an ok time, I’m lying, it sucked. But not because he was such a sucky date but because I wanted to go with someone else, my high school crush. Ahhh, the guy I liked for four long years (and still do, I guess) that nothing ever happened with. Well, once we made out, I think. On senior spring break, he was daring this girl who he dated for a short stint that she should chug this half pint of jack daniels, she wasn’t dumb enough to do it, but I was. So sure enough, I chugged the whole thing (like a trooper!) and he was so impressed that we went to my hotel room and hopped into my twin bed, where he told me he would sleep with me for the night. I’m guessing we made out, but the next thing I know I’m leaning over the side of the bed puking and he has gone to get Lucky to tell her he thinks I’m sick. Then, our 2 big guy friends are throwing me in the shower to sober me up. Awful. But anyway, I had already been asked to prom by my date and apparently in my drunken stupor I told my crush that I didn’t want to go with my date (they were best friends) and that I wanted to go with him and how miserable I was going to be and blah blah blah just basically everything embarrassing you’d never want to tell the guy you like. So prom rolls around and a big group of us go to this girl’s house and have dinner and take pictures and all that. Not only is my crush there with his ugly date, and I’m there with his best friend who at this point everyone knew I didn’t really want to go with, my crush made fun of me the whole night because I was the only one in the group with one of those giant puffy marshmallow dresses and I couldn’t fit through any of the doors.
#2 ‘Bama Boy
This one can be blamed on good ole Lucky. Bahaha. She was dating this guy Tank when I came to visit her one summer for her birthday, Tank had a friend Bill flying in from Alabama that weekend, so we obviously all thought it would be a great idea to go on a double date and all hang out. I was down because after Lucky and I both facebook creeped on Bill we came to the conclusion that he wasn’t that unfortunate looking and I should give it a shot. So we go to dinner at P.F. Changs (Lucky’s fave!) and from what I remember (Lucky may be able to fill in a little more because I blocked most of the date out) Tank was acting like a huge doucher (I’ll allow Lucky to fill you in on the Tank story if she pleases, I’ll just say I hope he dies a horrible death) and I don’t think Bill was acting much better, I’m pretty sure he was calling Lucky and I lame and all sorts of cool stuff like that. But then we went to the bar where Lucky was working and Bill and I took a seat at the bar where Tank ran off to hang with some flusey’s. So I order a vodka tonic and Bill orders a redbull. Lucky and I both immediately start badgering him on why he isn’t drinking, he feeds us some story about how he’s an alcoholic or can’t handle booze with his temper or some shit but informs us that he’s still going to be effed up because he’s drinking this red bull and just took a handful of xanex. A few more minutes passed, Bill creepily asked me to fly to Nashville to go to a Coldplay concert with him 6 months later to which I replied, “Yeah maybe, we’ll have to see when it gets closer,” Lucky overheard and drove me back to her apt, and when she got off work I’m pretty sure I remember her telling me that Tank told her I suck or something of that sort. And then Bill would creepily text me for like the next year about the sunshine. Really, it’s not Lucky’s fault, I was totes kidding about blaming her she had no idea he was a nut job and thank the lord jesus she’s not with Tank anymore.
#1 Church Boy
My stepdad’s sister decided it would be a FAB-U-LOUS idea to set me up with a guy from her church. Probably to make me pure again or something. I don’t know. All I know is that the whole family would always hoot and holler over how cute this guy was and how I should really let her give him my phone number, so I finally agreed. He called me up and after doing my standard canceling on him a few times because I really didn’t want to go I finally agreed to meet him on a Sunday afternoon after church at Applebees for lunch. It was my senior year in high school and I was kind of talking to this guy named Ryan, but we weren’t official so I was down for the date. So anyway, we go and sit down and start talking, the guy’s name was Pete. Pete asks what I like to do on the weekends, to which I replied oh I usually go to parties with my friends and things like that. He asked if I drank, and I wasn’t going to lie to a God’s man, so I said yeah sometimes. I noticed him fiddling under the table but I just wrote it off as nervousness. Once our food arrived I started nibbling on my fries and it looked like Pete had fallen asleep. “What in the heck are you doing?” I asked him. “Praying! Don’t use that language!!” He said as he crossed himself and started tonguing his rosary at the table. I mean don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind people who want to pray before they eat, I get it, you’ve gotta bless your food, but at least give me a warning or do the short version of the prayer, he sat there with his eyes shut for like 3 minutes. Anyway, the date ended, lord knows nothing happened physically, I think we shook hands or did a high five or something. I figured that was it because I was too much of a “bad girl” for him but he called and called some more wanting to hang out until he finally got the hint I wasn’t into it.
There you have it, my worst dates and most embarrassing memories. Doesn’t it feel good to be in the know?