Tag Archives: self reflection

The Welcome Back Party

Herrooo old friends!!! I’m going to be totally honest and tell you that I have no good excuse for going AWOL for a hot minute. Lucky and I have been talking for a few months about resurrecting the blog because we’re both kind of in the same place in our lives and we’ve got some things planned in the next few months that will probably be semi-entertaining to read about, so we thought better now than never! I just know I really haven’t been up to much the last couple of years and my life would have been SO boring to read about, unless you’d love to read about me trotting around the country drinking with my friends or recaps of Teen Mom and The Bachelor, in which case – I’m your girl!

After the whole Nutter Butter breakup and my failed attempt at dating a super-hot guy fresh out of college 2 years ago, I decided that I was tired of guys treating me like I was disposable and dating needed to be my last priority, so I stopped dating. It wasn’t long before it became really apparent to me that when you’re in your late 20s and you stop dating, that also means you stop having sex (side note: that doesn’t mean I didn’t TRY to have sex. I did try, with a really hot guy in the Navy that I met while I was out celebrating my 29th birthday. It is surprisingly hard to get a guy to just hook up with you and promise to never call you again.) When I came up with this plan I was about to turn 28 and hadn’t been without a guy since I was 14. I was serial dating all the wrong guys, knowing they were the wrong guys, but continuing to date them because I didn’t know how to be alone. And, what girl in her 20s doesn’t think she can rid a guy of all his bad habits? The stuff that I let those douchers get away with doing to me is so shameful, and I finally realized that if I didn’t take the time I needed to figure out who I was without a boyfriend, I would continue to date these awful guys and would probably end up married to and then divorced from one of them. If this is the part where you expect me to tell you that I finally met Prince Charming (See: Neal Bledsoe), then look away now, because that didn’t happen. I’m still single, but more stable and [I would hope] able to make better decisions. And when I say “better decisions,” I mean in the long run, I’m totally not opposed to bad decisions that are short term/one night stands with hot guys because… 2 years.

Also, this isn’t a post about self-discovery. I mean, come on, look who you’re talking to here: I’m still totally inappropriate and get way too drunk with my friends, albeit a lot less frequently now that we’re maturing. I’m still not really sure what I want to do with my life, but I finally realized that I’m not going to figure it out by dating assholes that cheat on me and have the audacity to manipulate me into thinking I deserved it. LOLZ – the fact that those things ever happened is so stupid, but it makes me pretty happy to know it’s all documented on this blog.

The whole “I’m not dating at all” concept is perplexing to basically everyone I tell. All my friends and family have tried to set me up so many times, like SO many times, these last 2 years and would then get super offended when I turned down the offer because they don’t understand why I would choose to be alone while I’m in my prime baby making years. Uh, maybe because guys are man whores and I don’t feel like being emotionally drained and worrying about STDs all the time? I don’t know! I’ve ruined a few friendships with guy friends who thought this stint of singledom would be the best time to finally ask me out. I know telling someone not to take it personal is almost always bullshit, and it is still total bullshit in my case because of course if the perfect guy came along (See: Neal Bledsoe above) I wouldn’t have turned him down, but I wasn’t about to waste my time or theirs when I already knew I wouldn’t be that into it. I’m pretty sure my family thinks I’m a lesbian (as long as Neal is still out there that’ll never happen) since I’m not married and don’t have a bunch of babies, because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re from a small town. My Grandma sat me down for a serious conversation a few months ago about getting artificially inseminated so I could have a family, there’s a cute guy at her church she thinks would do it – and by do it she meant jizz in a cup, not actually fuck me. My guy friends that are married have been pushing me to stay single for as long as possible and live the good life, because once you get married it’s a long road of misery, or at least that’s what they tell me. I overheard my Stepdad telling some other family members that it (my love life) will all be okay because I’ll be able to start catching guys on the next round. What’s the next round? Oh it’s just all the guys that got married and popped out a bunch of babies when they were 22 who are now 30 and getting divorced. Exactly what I want, a divorcee with a bunch of babies. Real talk, it’s kind of fun watching everyone squirm because they can’t figure me out. But, I’m almost ready to start dating again, like seeing one more Nicholas Sparks movie alone and then I’ll date anyone with a pulse almost ready.

P.s. As of today, Neal Bledsoe still has not approved my facebook friend request, but I’m okay with it. A few months ago, after 4 ½ years of persistence, he finally acknowledged my existence on twitter. Small victories.

P.p.s. We just got Instagram: Instagram.com/cocktailsattiffanys

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Life Decisions

Wednesday night Lucky and I had a VERY long talk (4 hours to be exact, on the phone) about how far we’ve come with not only ourselves, but our outlook on dating and our lives.  We rehashed our good times from high school, like driving by our crush’s houses on a Friday night listening to Justin Timberlake’s Cry Me a River. We even tossed around the idea of attending our 10 year high school reunion coming up in a few years (pending if we feel good about where we’re at and if we can get a solid guest list beforehand).  

This may not be the case for everyone, but especially around the Holidays I find myself looking back at situations I’ve faced (especially those from high school when I had a clear head) where if I had made 1 different decision my life would be completely different.

For example:

My last high school boyfriend – we’ll call him Daniel.  Daniel was/is the type of guy that I would probably like to date now (minus the crazy).  But, when I was 17 and just starting to figure out who I was (still not totally there yet!) I didn’t want some hopeless romantic guy who was obsessed with me and treated me like a queen to hold me back from life experiences.  Looking back I don’t know if he was as obsessed with me as he was possessive, but I’ll roll with it.  

He was a year older and had 1 serious girlfriend all through high school,  and all the girls thought he was cute and so nice and blah blah blah. So, when him and the serious gf broke up I snatched him up, and 6 months later he left for college  and we stayed together while I was left to face my senior year with the temptation of a newly single High School Crush.

 Anyway, Daniel was a planner.  He had this big plan that he was going to go to this all boys college that was half an hour from SHIT U, and we could drive back and forth to see each other, and then my sophomore year of college/his junior year, we would get married.   Now the thought of this makes me want to vomit.  He actually set up appointments to go look at rings while we were still in high school.  I always found a reason to cancel (because I didn’t want the ring, because I was embarrassed, with good reason) and it makes me ill thinking that I was like pretty much engaged to this guy.

I was kind of all for it at first.  I watched a lot of Rom Com’s and wanted the happily ever after that he wanted to give me.  But then, I got in a bad car accident in the fall of my senior year and it made me sane again.  Thank god.  I may have totaled my first car in the accident, but I feel like that accident saved me from a miserable life with him.  After the accident I couldn’t stand to have the guy touch me.  I hated the sound of his voice and it made me feel physically ill to be around him.  We stayed together for about 2 months after that and then I pulled the classic, “We need a break.”  To which he pretty much went psycho, and threatened to kill himself.  

I remember him showing up at my house one night while I was getting into my car when no one was home, and he wouldn’t let me pull out of my driveway, so I drove through the grass called a guy friend on my cell phone to tell him what was going on and that I was coming over, and basically had crazy psycho Daniel following me the whole way there.  

He even followed Lucky and I to Florida on the infamous senior spring break trip.  We’re talking like an 18 hour drive, that he did alone, not on his spring break, and didn’t pack anything.  Creepy.

At some point after the breakup I finally hashed it out with Daniel over the phone while he was back at college and I was safe at home.  I don’t remember exactly what was said, but I just know it was really bad because TO THIS DAY his friends STILL apologize to me for what he said.  We’re talking 10 years later.

Anyway, the point to all of this is, about a month after Daniel followed me to Florida he started dating this girl, Emily, that we also went to high school with.  You know how everyone kind of has 2 best friends?  Like Lucky has me and Buttons, I have Lucky and now Betty I guess, there used to be another best friend of mine.  I still consider her one of my best friends but we hardly ever talk. She’s married and has 2 kids and pretty much thinks I’m a hot mess whore.  Anyway, her two best friends are me and Emily, and Emily and Daniel began dating right after we broke up.  And now they are married, with 2 kids.  

So after knowing all of that, imagine how much fun best friend #2’s wedding was that Emily and I were both Bridesmaids in?  And Best Friend #2’s kids birthday parties and pretty much any other important events that go down. It’s like 100% the elephant in the room.  The funny part is, Emily and I have no problem with each other, we’re friends and we get along.  But Daniel and I have not said a word to each other since the breakup 10 years ago.  

ANYWAY, my point is… if I had stuck it out and stayed with Daniel, I could be Emily.  I could be married, living in hometown, as a housewife, with 2 kids.  And the thought of that PAINS me.  I know having a husband is all Lucky and I talk about, but I think if I was married to him the one thing I would wish for was #1 to have my life back and #2 to be single on a deserted island.  This poor girl, if she ever leaves him she’s pretty much as good as dead.  Cray cray.  

The thought of all of this just scares me.  I realize that everything happens for a reason and I made the decision to break up with him because we weren’t meant to be with each other.  But I often think about other decisions I’ve made, like what college to go to, and what city to accept a job in, and other decisions that may have paved a path for me that is steering me away from the person I’m supposed to be with.   But in light of the fact that I am perfect and ALWAYS make the right decisions, we’ll say whoever this dream guy of mine is that I’m supposed to be with, is clearly the one making the wrong decisions that are leading him away from me.  I don’t need THAT weighing on me every time I’m deciding to go right or left.

 

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,