Tag Archives: sexting

To Gizzy’s house: part IV.

Ah, when we awoke the next morning it was the glorious 4th of July. AMERICA! ‘MERICA! As we proudly proclaimed all day long.

But my mood quickly changed from happy and celebratory to confused, and, well…more confused.

After we passed out the night before, Clay had sent me a text around 3 am wanting to know what I was doing. Since I was sleeping, I didn’t respond. Then at 9 am, he sent me a good morning text.

While I was reading the “good morning” text and sifting through some others, he sent me ANOTHER text saying this:

“U don’t have to ignore me you know. Asshole. Thats hypocritical of me sorry I was a dick but ur gender has yet to prove other than a vagina ur existence is not necessary. OK that was mean I’m sorry u r extremely attractive and I really have not stopped thinking about u can we try this again”

If you’re wondering, yes, that was all crammed into one text message and yet another example of Clay having a legit conversation by himself. Nothing like calling me an asshole and a member of a worthless gender and then wanting to meet up.  Picture me, cackling through this all. 

I replied back with a solid “well, good morning.” We had a weird conversation about how I wasn’t ignoring him per se I was just wary of getting involved with him because he had a girlfriend. To which he said…

UMM YOU NEED TO CHECK MY FACEBOOK.

Okay, douche, I don’t check Facebook every fucking day to see if you and your woman are together or not. Frankly, I don’t give a flying fuck.

Anyway, the dude was drunk, so Gizzy and I check Facebook to see what exactly happened. And this is the slew of Facebook statuses we see:

Ok I refuse to be with a whore, I am single, so ladies lets have fun.  I have only 3 weeks left lets do the damn thing and stop thinking about tomorrow.

I hate my life, and the stupid bitch that told me I was everything to her, that’s bullshit, where is she tonight? Not with me.  I hope your aborted children provide you with a supportive landing in hell.

Happy 4th LOL

Clay is going to establish alcoholism today being as my first beer was pounded at 8:39 you’re welcome now who will join me in celebrating our country’s birthday?

If whites only come out at night why do I drink during the day?

If whores only come out at night why do I drink during the day?

  • Comment: Jackie – are you drunk?
  • Comment: Clay – if you’re wondering if I’m drinking, yes, and if I’m drunk, yes, but if you say it like that it sounds uneducated.  All I’m doing is flushing my kidneys and destroying my liver if I could put this shit in an IV I would, because it would save me the time of putting my beer to my mouth and allow me to come up with awesome status updates even faster.
  • Comment: Jackie – I would’ve asked how you’ve been but it’s pretty clear.
  • Comment: Clay – it’s clear that your gender has castrated me for the last time, and I am no longer obligated to believe you thundercunts are nice people.  So why would I? Assholes finish first right? Fuck the world, I’m about to kick it down the escalator.

Whores are like fireworks, you only shoot them at night and yet at first they look innocent but after a few shots they explode on you causing pain if not careful.

  • Comment: Clay – happy 4th retards
  • Comment: friend – you’re on a roll today
  • Comment: Clay – give me some butter
  • Comment: Barb – clay be good
  • Comment: Clay- if by good you mean break the female gender down by targeting her weakest attribute and convincing her to sleep with me because she is emotionally unstable then yes I will be good and good at it.  Sorry miss lady you are excluded from this list because you have always been awesome to me and to everyone else love you so much.

 I was once told to be good or good at it.  Happy 4th retards.

When I asked Clay what happened with his ex to make him so upset he said, “She’s a cock juggling thundercunt.” Another AWESOME line that worked itself into our vocabulary the rest of the day.

Fair enough.

To celebrate such a glorious holiday, Gizzy and I put on our swimsuits and headed out looking for beer and anything festive. ‘MERICA! Well, we didn’t find anything festive, but we got the beer and some ice and packed them both into what Gizzy thought was a cooler, when it was really a large thermal container made for a damn crock pot.  Don’t knock it till you try it, that shit worked!

Whatever. We head to the beach and get in line for some junk food. After we scarf that down, we find a nice spot in the sand near plenty of hotties playing beach volleyball.  Hotties/douchers that I already knew from college.

We had already packed some vodka, so Gizzy got us some mixers and we had our way with them. And this is when I start trying to figure out just how many different places I can piss in public (twice in the water, once in the sand, and a few times in actual public view). “Public view” means hanging her ass off a dock to pee, and hanging it off of some steps/seats.  Someone had to know what was going on since I was doubled over laughing and every time she got up there were wet spots that magically appeared on the cement.  I’m not innocent though, the day of the block party we traveled through a maze so that I could take a pee in a parking garage, where our car was not parked.

When I was finished with my vodka, I started drinking the beer like it was my job. Didn’t want to have any leftovers! When the beer was gone, we made the weird decision to walk to where the fireworks were…which was a bit of a hike. I would venture to say at least 1.5-2 miles.  It took us a good hour and a half to get there, longer than it normally would have because we had to simultaneously stop to pee/take shots.  We completely got ready in a public bathroom and then start ripping shots straight from a bottle of vodka.  In public.  Infront of cops, and children.

We see the fireworks and keep walking to try and snag some dinner. However, there was a fuckload of people. Like literally people were shoving us trying to not let us in because they were all coming out. And then we ran into a saucy hostess who told us the restaurant closed at 10 pm and I accused her of calling us retards.  My absolute favorite convo of the weekend:

Us: Table for 2

Hostess:  Um we’re pretty full, we’re not seating anyone but you can stand here and wait, I’m not sure if we’re letting people in, we might stay open later.

Lucky: So ARE you staying open later?

Hostess: We’re not seating anyone right now

Lucky: Yeah, I heard you, we’re not retards

Hostess: I didn’t say you were

Lucky: Uh! Yeah, ya did!

Bitch.  So we head to a nice little italian place, and order our food and some vino.

Once we do sit down, we have some depressing conversation about missing people, (and I loudly shit talked the aliens next to us for staring at our drunk asses)  and we manage to catch a cab ride back home. However, the cab ride was nice and bumpy, and me being quite wasted, I knew I needed to barf. But it wasn’t anything emergency-related…I figured I had plenty of time. However, when I hand the cabbie my credit card, he says he has to turn the car off completely and restart everything.  Honest to god, it took half an hour.

I told him I needed to step outside and puke. And I did. On a tree. While people and dogs watched me.

But I felt worlds better.

Then Gizzy and I ran inside and busted into Anth’s room, only to find him sexting while in his bed. Typical.  Lucky asks if he’s naked and runs over and rips off the blankets.  I immediately scream, “DID YOU SEE HIS WEINER!?” she says no and we run squeeling out of his room.  He sent me a text the following morning thanking us for the wake up call and thanking himself that he wasn’t actually naked under his covers.  I told him that leaving the door unlocked is like inviting us into his room so idk what he expected.

The next morning was my last in town, and given all the airport drama the first go ’round, I wasn’t looking forward to heading back. However, Gizzy and I hit a few hot spots I had been wanting to see, we had a few beers and more junk food and we were on our way. We even ate lunch at our favorite place—Taco Bell. Holla!

Overall, an AWESOME visit!

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And a sext message in a pear tree…

Does it make me a tool if I looooooveeee full coverage underwear? I’m not talking like full on grannies.  I’m talking about boy shorts that cover everything.  I just put on a fresh pair and my area is in France and everybody is in bed for the night.

Side note: Just got this text from The Captain, “On a scale of 1 to 10 how good is my body? Be honest.”  I bet you guys can’t waaaaiiiit to hear what happened.  Mwhahaaaaa.

Anyway, back to my underwear.  I had a hankering for some Mcdonald’s last night after I saw the episode of Sex and The City where Carrie throws le filet o fish and le big mac at Mr. Big, so I got up out of my bed and went and got me some.  When I returned home and was walking through my garage I stepped in something wet and slipped and nearly fell to my death when my ass smacked the ground in my full coverage underwear.  It took that for me to realize I had just gone to Mcdonald’s wearing no shoes, no bra, and no pants.   After I heard my ass hit the cement I decided it was time to start working out.  After I ate my Big Mac and fries. MONOPOLY!

I rolled out of bed in the morning and power walked a 5k.  I was pretty proud of myself but I seriously think I was 10 steps away from  a heart attack.  I only weigh 115 pounds but it’s about 110 pounds of flub.  My heart was the little engine that could and it held out but I don’t know what I’m going to do about this.  All I can picture is my little heart in my chest with his fists up trying to punch the Hamburgler in the face to fight off the fat and grease but his reach is too short and the Hamburgler wins. And the Hamburgler WINS!  If I die of a heart attack I want you to make sure my headstone says EXACTLY this, “To the victor go the spoils, the Hamburgler wins again!”

Now that I am simultaneously writing this blog and sexting with The Captain I’ll just go ahead and spill the I’m Sorry I Suck beans.  The Plan was supposed to go into action Sunday afternoon.  I was all set up with rope (duct tape) and a blindfold (t-shirt) to teach The Captain a lesson.  We walked in his apartment after work and find Raymundo, The Captain’s asian french speaking roommate, sitting on a bean bag looking like he had no intentions of going anywhere for a while. While The Captain went and changed out of his polar bear costume:

I had a little chitty chat with Raymundo where he told me his plans for the day were to sit infront of the tv and start watching Dexter from season 1.  He had rented all 5.  Hooray! So I pushed the plan back and told The Captain I had to skeedattle.  I didn’t want to do it with Raymundo there because what’s the fun in that if he gets untied 5 minutes after I leave? I probably should’ve just manned up and done it because it’s all only getting more intense, he’s starting to call regularly and want to see me regularly and I am beginning to run out of excuses and he’s not bad at sexting either, anybody wanna see a little word porn? OK! Here’s what he sent me tonight, keep in mind my responses were nothing like his and topped out at an OMG, OH WOW, or yeah that sounds good.

Captain: Do you like soft kisses up your body then my hand grabbing your hair and just… you know.

Captain: What about a massage then soft kisses on your neck and down your back

Captain: Well do you like feathers? Me not touching you blowing feathers up and down your chest then stomach then massage you wherever you want (the feather thing is totes from 40 days and 40 nights, ah Josh Hartnett)

*OK, So right here is where I felt I needed to contribute to the conversation so I said what about whipped cream? Continue…*

Captain: Whipped cream is too sticky, I’ll just lick you.  I love to lick even though someone doesn’t like it but I’m good at it just a side note

Sccccreeeeeeeeettttttccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

That’s the sexting bus wheels coming to a fucking stop.  You love to lick even though SOMEONE doesn’t like it.  He’s going to have to pay another $19.95 if he wants this session to continue.  I don’t think so.  I replied saying goodnight.  Hopefully he gets that next time why not just invite Captain’s Crystal into the conversation so she can add her 2 cents in as well.  Christ.

He also sent me a good morning text today and a little treat for you all:

Basically the EXACT same picture as last time only closer, but totally completely different.  I mean gosh.  But this one is different and borders on pornographic so kids, hide your eyes! BLINDFOLDS!

So I apologize that this was not my last post about The Captain, but it’s coming, hopefully before anything else too crazy happens, Captain’s Crystal just posted on my facebook wall asking me to go out with then tonight.   THIS IS JUST MADNESS!! Just hang on to your little pirate hats and we’ll be on our way…

In other boy news I got a friend request on facebook the other day from none other than, are you ready for it ready for it, drumroll please……….

DOUCHEAROO!!!!

I pondered accepting for a while, because I can still creep on his ugly ass because his profile is open however mine is closed.  Did I really want him looking at my pictures? I look good, so why the hell not.  I accepted.  For the blog. I give the new friend status a week to marinate before I get a text saying, “Hey facebook friend,” mark my words.  1 week.  If I have nothing to blog about that day, maybe I’ll respond to stir the drama pot a little.  1 week.

And I got another rejection letter from a company, I’m starting to get really upset:

Dear Gisabelle,

Thank you for your continued interest in BP and the position of Fart Knocker. We regret to inform you that BP
has decided not to progress with the selection of any candidates for this particular position.

We would like to invite you to apply for other positions that are closely aligned with your qualifications and interests as they arise. To access these opportunities through BP™s website go to
http://www.bp.com/careers. We encourage you to register for job alerts by
creating a Search Agent that will notify you about future opportunities that may be of interest.

Again, thank you for considering BP as a potential employer. We wish you every success with your career.

Sincerely,

BP Global Recruitment

So don’t hate me because I applied to BP.  I NEED A JOB! I figured that no one else is going to apply there because people want to blow them up so why wouldn’t they hire me? Instead they decide to hire NO ONE.  Like, fucking come on!? Give a girl a break.  If anyone out there reading this feels sorry enough for me to give me a job in finance email me cocktailsattiffanys@gmail.com I promise I’m not as big of a sloth as I seem.  I’ll relocate!

And that’s where I hit rock bottom.  Begging readers for a job.

Well it’s almost time for the Teen Mom repeat, I’ve had 5!!!!! redbulls and I am ready for this hour and a half finale.  I cannot wait.  So glad I made it out of my teenage years without getting preggers.  God bless abstinence and crooked teeth. Amen.

P.S. Welcome back Lappy!

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