Tag Archives: shit u

You can take that fine and shove it up your…

Hallelujah it’s Friday!!!  I could not be happier.  When I was in college not studying my life away, partying on Monday’s and Wednesday’s and whenever I felt like it, laying out by the pool on a Tuesday, and watching Full House reruns every day I always thought I would be happier when I got a full time job and I was bringing in the bucks.  But I’m not.  People are right, the real world sucks.  Work sucks.  And my life is slipping through my fingers, the weeks all blend together and the weekend is all I live for.  So everyone, how about some anti-depressants?

And on that note, I am returning to Shit U this weekend to find me a hot young hunk to make out with.  I say this every time I go and it never happens, so I’m not going to jinx it and get all analytical and scheme up a way to make out with a 21 year old.  This is the first weekend back for the students, so I think that’s all I need to say.  I won’t be the only one looking to make some bad decisions.

I’m really going back because Gigi, Chuck, Acts Gay but Says He’s Straight Friend Adam, Bri, Gigi’s boyfriend, Gigi and Chuck’s old roommate Netti and I have decided that every year we will have a reunion the first weekend of school, because we need a valid reason for partying with college students.  It should be a good time; drama will definitely ensue between Gigi, Chuck, and Bri who aren’t all on the best of terms and I’ll get drunk and use Acts Gay but Says He’s Straight Friend Adam as my wingman. 

Annnd turning the page… who’s wondering about my coffee date?  No one?  Well it didn’t happen.  All thanks to my shit hole apartment.  I get up 30-40 minutes early so I could leave early to go meet Alex for coffee.  I left and tried to shut the garage door and it wouldn’t shut.  It would start to shut for like 2 seconds, and then it would bounce back up like something was in front of the sensor.  I cleared all the cob webs out of the way and it was still doing it.  Like would not go down for the life of me.  I thought I was going to have to call into work because I couldn’t very well leave out house wide open for hobos and criminals to invade.  I tried figuring out a way to unhook the sensor, almost electrocuted myself, and after 20 minutes of messing with it finally decided to call Anth because I was about to cry.  He says it’s the sun and it does it every morning if you leave at that time.  Are you freaking kidding me?  The sun is keeping our garage door from closing? I went inside and watched half an episode of The Wonder Years, emailed Alex to tell him I wasn’t going to be able to make it, and came back out and it worked.  But really, I never had weird things like this: my apartment catching on fire, rabid mice running around, and THE SUN KEEPING ME FROM GOING TO WORK – until I moved to this city.

So I finally get to work and I get this email from Anth that he got from our landlord:

The association is complaining about:

  1.  Cigarette Butts scattered around the property by guests
  2. The fire escape is for emergencies only not for entering and exiting units
  3. The associate requires the names and numbers of any tenants living in your property
  4. There have been numerous complaints from owners pertaining to noise coming from the unit, rooftop, and courtyard to the point that specific monetary fines were discussed at the last meeting.

This pissed me off.  Let’s start from the top…

  1. Cigarette Butts scattered around the property by guests.  – UMMM… none of us smoke, nor do any of our friends, how about instead of picking on the poor kids who aren’t invited to the association meetings they pick on the lady who runs her psychiatry business out of her home and whose patients hang out in the courtyard while they’re waiting on their appointment.

Young kids with good jobs = non-smokers

Psychos = smokers

Seems pretty simple.

 

  1. The fire escape is for emergencies only blah blah blah – this one is legit, because when JM lived with us he used the fire escape to get into our apartment almost daily.  But that has been 3 months ago so they’re too late on that one.  Oh, and Anth the time he snuck a shacking whore down it.

 

  1. The association requires the names and numbers of all tenants living in the property.  —So give it to them dumb shit.  You have them.  I hate people.  HATE! So stupid.

 

  1. There have been numerous complaints from owners pertaining to noise coming from the unit, rooftop, and courtyard… So I’d like to say we have been pretty calm with the exception of the weekend Lucky was in town/the bachelor party.  Other than that they’ve got nothing.  However, our neighbors do have rooftop parties every weekend and sometimes on Thursdays so maybe they should’ve spoken up and said they’re the noisy ones instead of the poor 20 something’s who weren’t there to defend themselves. 

 

So Anth kept saying he didn’t care and blah blah blah, but I have a feeling he’s going to care when we get a big fat fine the mail.  Which will be when I walk over to the president’s house (next door, also the douche who set the complex on fire) and tell him that if he wants to fine us for being loud I’m going to fine his baby for waking me up with it’s stupid baby noises every morning at 5am.  And I’m going to fine him for revving the engine to his porche every night when he gets home from cheating on his wife at midnight, and every morning when he leaves at 6am, and he can pay the fine for the grass mowers that are loud when they come at the butt crack of dawn to mow the grass on Saturday mornings.   And then I’m going to fine the neighbors on the other side of us for not turning their alarm clock off on a Saturday morning and it beeped for 4 hours straight beginning at 5:30am.  Ready. To. Rumble.

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Leave my booberry’s alone!!!!

Last night my roommate (mom) made an interesting observation and it got my wheels turning, which doesn’t happen very often.  She walked in my room to ask about my latest bout with the police and some speeding tickets I had acquired and failed to mention, but mid conversation she interrupted herself asking very loudly, “ARE YOU EATING BOOBERRY’S AND WATCHING AMERICA’S FUNNIEST HOME VIDEOS?!!!! NO WONDER YOU DON’T HAVE A JOB!” I said, “Mom’s I’m right here you don’t have to yell.”  She went on about how when she was 25 she had a 2 year old baby, a mortgage, TWO car payments, and a husband to look after.  I simply explained that it was her choice and that I’m sure had she explored her options grandma would have let her live at home into her late 20’s and fed her whatever cereal she fancied.  Then she asked if I would be sitting at my dining room table in the mornings eating booberry’s with my kids and watching cartoons.  I told her that I imagined I would.  I mean I’m sorry, no offense to you people that eat your wheaties and your raisin bran, but what the fuck.  When I eat those cereals I may as well be licking cardboard and if I am going to splurge with the cals on something in my day by god it is going to be booberry’s to start my day out right.  As I’m finishing up the last few bites of booberry’s and sipping my milk my roommate gets annoyed and grabs my bowl o booberrys out of my hands and takes it to the kitchen. So there I was left with booberry milk drizzle down my chin to tide me over until morning. Now, on to America’s funniest home videos.  It’s my favorite show, Lucky hates it, but I think whoever thought of it was genius and it is basically my life goal to be the person in charge of what goes on the show.  Imagine this, I’m at my high school reunion sitting at the V.I.P. table eating my booberry’s when my high school crush walks up and asks if he can have some booberry’s I say, “I guess” and snap my fingers at my personal assistant to get him a bowl of booberry’s and he asks what I do and I tell him, “I get paid to watch home videos.”  Imagine the things I would see, forget the news.  AFV is where you learn things.

This all made me think about how much I have really grown up.  Which is not much.  I still love spaghettios, lunchables, and fruit snacks.  But now I think asparagus tastes alright but I will never think sausage is cool.  It looks like a dehydrated turd.  Think about that the next time you order a meatlovers pizza, dehydrated turds baked right in! And they’re chewy. How can you sausage lovers live with yourselves?

As you can tell I am searching for everything and anything to blog about because my life is spiraling down the toilet.  So, I have decided to share my life goals, which is mostly a list of occupations I would like to have, in no particular order:

1. Host The Price Is Right, Let’s Make A Deal, AND The Family Fued (MULTI-TASKER)

2. Be in charge of picking out background music for Gossip Girl

3. Be Donald Trump

4. Win Miss America

I actually enrolled myself in my alma mater’s Miss America foundation pageant, the winner got to go to the state pageant and the winner of that went on to Miss America.  I show up to the call out and the first thing they do is say, “At SHIT U this is not a beauty pageant, we judge solely on your interview and speech.”  Take note, if it was a beauty pageant I would have won.  Not because I’m so jaw dropping beautiful or anything but my school was 70% male and 30% female and 20% of the females were from foreign countries where they don’t believe in bathing or into agriculture so they all smelled and had personal hygiene problems, we’re talking about cow dung under the nails hygiene problems.  IF it was a beauty contest I would’ve been a shoe in but IF it was a beauty contest my competition would have been different.  Apparently the other hygienic girls of SHIT U had already gotten this memo so I got up and walked out.  I mean seriously they were going to judge me based on what kind of speech I could put together about cow’s with colon cancer rather than how good my boobs look in a bikini, which is what they would be judged on in the next round? NEXT.  I should’ve transfered schools right then and there because now I am too old and I feel like I really missed my calling.  A girl that had quarter of an inch long hair, black nail polish, and was wearing the earrings that stretch the holes in your ears out is the one who won.  I made all my friends go with me to the pageant for my 21st birthday and I sat in the back row and sobbed because not only did she take MY crown that  I would have paraded around campus in so gloriously she didn’t even show up to the state pageant and forfeit any chance at Miss America.  I also went out to the bars for the first time the night of the pageant wearing a tiara my friends had bought me for my birthday signing autographs and telling people I won Miss SHIT U earlier that day.  Yep.

5.  Win an Olympic medal for gymnastics (Also now too old and rickety for this)

6. Be a homemaker

7. Be a world renowned surgeon and marry a hot doctor (EXACTLY like on Grey’s Anatomy)

8.  Find someone to marry who looks exactly like Josh Duhamel 😦

9. Marry a celebrity

10. Teach every cheating lying asshole in the world A LESSON.  mwhahaa

11. Be president.

12. Stop eating old candy out of my purse.

As you can see, I am in serious need of a life coach to pull me out of my childhood la la land (because my goals haven’t changed much since I was 10) and send me back to reality.  I honest to god think I am accomplish these goals what with having no background in any of them.  I can do it!

Well, tonight I will be traveling back to SHIT U to get my drinky on.  Drama to look forward to: The Captain, The Captain’s Crystal, HOTTIE MCHOTTERSON & CO, Merdie, and possibly douchearoo will all be in attendance.  Something eventful to spice up my life and yours will surely be happening in t-minus 9 hours. Tick tock!

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