Tag Archives: shopping

Murry Christmas!

Merry Christmas everyone!!!  Lucky and I wish you all the best on this joyous day!

 

I’m a tool.

I hope everyone gets what they want this year… I was all about putting the picture of me and Hanson in the snow from 8th grade on here for your viewing/laughing pleasure but I can’t find it, so you’ll just have to settle for my warm wishes and a cheap promise that I’ll try to find the picture by the end of the year to post.

Have a great day! And please email/comment to us with your craziest holiday stories from this year, it’ll make our Christmas bright!  Ok… enough time to bring in Christmas with this Christmas Monkey, who is obviously drunk.  Toot-a-loo!


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Predicament. And then some.

I had a (2, actually) completely different post planned out and written for today, but then something happened and my creepy gene kicked in.  I hope everyone read our guest posts yesterday on SimplySolo and JustMarriedGirl’s blogs.  If you didn’t, at least click here and go read the guest post on SimplySolo’s blog for now because it is pertinent to what I am about to say.

I’ll wait.

Ok, so the dark haired guy from the Tiffany’s commercial that Lucky and I are drooling over practically the entire post, he’s hot right?

I couldn’t just leave it at that.  Why? Because I’m not normal and I have to continually beat a dead horse.  Which has nothing to do with this hot guy.  But anyway, not only did I watch the video about 50,000 times over the past 3 days and wish I was the girl he was proposing to, I had to go all Detective Gizzy on the situation and find out who he is. And I did.

First, I thought I ruined it for myself because I found a blog where a girl had posted his name (& the names of all the other actor and the 2 female models like she’s somebody and knows people) so I googled him and found out that he’s an actor (Duh!) but not only is he an actor he recently guest starred on an episode of Gossip Girl. While Gossip Girl is one of my favorite shows, I sadly missed the episode he was on.  And when I say sadly, I mean angrily, because I totally remember what I was doing that week to make me miss it (job interview) and it was totally not worth it.  I also just got so worked up about that whole situation that I accidently rented Going The Distance for $4.99 on DirecTV and I don’t even want to watch it, but now I have to because I’m paying 5 bucks for it, christ.   Anyway, in the episode he kisses Chuck Bass.  Chuck Bass is my favorite character/Gossip Girl crush (yep, I LOVE the assholes.  This we know.) So this whole thing is pretty much a sign to me.  I mean, big woop all of the good actors have to make out with guys to be accepted by the academy.  He’s just doing his career the justice it deserves.  Hellooooo Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger!! They both were nominated for academy awards for Brokeback Mountain. (Can you tell I’m sucking up in case he reads this?)(I am.)(Hi, Neal =))

Ok, settle down everyone.  We’re too late.  He already has a fan page.   On his fan page I learned that our birthdays are 1 day apart.  Plus 4 years.  That he is co-starring in a new CW drama (I guess that means I better get him while the gettin’ is good, before everyone else does.) And  that he’s Canadian.  I went to Canada once for  Hanson concert.  I liked it! Their Burger King chicken tenders tasted a little funny, but all around it was a good country, and if I went for Hanson then by God I would go for Neal.

But then! His facebook profile came up.   Now, here’s what I’m contemplating: #1 should I add him? #2 Should I add him to my personal facebook page or the Cocktails at Tiffany’s facebook page? #3 Should I message/poke/relationship request him?

I’m not sure how to go about hitting on a semi-celebrity.  I would imagine he gets a lot of chicks and I would be just another nameless ho in the crowd.  So maybe I should dress up all amish and take a new profile pic so that when I add him it’s all BAM!!! Reverse psychology in his face! And he’ll be like, WHOA! Who is this crazy amish chick adding me? Oh.. ok, I guess she is kind of hot in her mennonite garb.  Ok, I’ll ask her out and then buy her some Tiffany’s and carry trees down the street for her. NBD.

What do you guys think? It’s legit, right?

I would imagine at this point nobody cares what my plan of attack is and you’re all just sitting there in your non-amish-wear like, “JUST POST HIS GODDAMN NAME SO I CAN SEND HIM A MESSAGE!”

Sigh.

Neal Bledsoe.

At least give me 1 day as a head start.

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Sisterly Love

Well here it is, Saturday evening, just 2 hours after Ella and I ventured out for our annual day of Christmas shopping when we buy presents for our mom and stepdad.  As Ella has gotten older the Christmas shopping for others has become a wee bit more difficult.

For example, when she was 3 I took her to one of those pottery painting places, she swirled her hands around in some paint, slapped them on a mug, and FIN!  Last year was when we started having some troubles.  We went into hallmark and they have these live frogs shoved in little tupperware containers with some rocks, a piece of celery and all that shit.  So Ella sees these frogs and decides she has to have one.  Me being a spokesperson for tough love, I had to tell her no.  Because what was I going to do? Buy these two frogs that were going to die in a day and be left with a $25 piece of tupperware? I don’t think so.  Plus you have to buy all the food and the stand for the tupperware and all this add on shit.  It’s just ridiculous.  So we had a go around with that, I got her out of the store and we went along our merry little way.

In the last year Ella has become WAY  more demanding.  She’s a bossy little brat these days.  Remember that song, I’m Bossy by Kelis? Oh you forgot about it? Allow me to refresh your memory, along with a SIMS music video:

Anyway, that song is totally Ella’s song.   I realize kids will be kids, but I am also fully aware that my mother is trying to correct all of the mistakes she made on me with Ella.  IE: overwhelming her with toys and affection and being very hands on.  I was pretty much raised by the tv because my mom was a single mother working two jobs to support us.  I know, such a sob story right?

So this year, I take Ella out for our annual shopping extravaganza, I made the mistake of going into hallmark and going through the whole frog ordeal again.  But then we went to Barnes and Noble, I thought I was in the clear with this store.  Nope.  They have all the Bubby books you could ever dream of right when  you walk in.  I’m seriously going to start writing letters to these stores, like can you please put the fucking kids shit in the corner? I don’t have time to deal with tantrums and I can’t afford to spend $800 on all the Justin Bieber meaningless shit you carry.  Gizzy- 0 Barnes and Noble/Ella-1.  No, I didn’t get the Justin Beiber book.  But they will have my business later this Christmas season.

Here I am in the cooking section looking for a good, “How to Brew Beer for Dummies,” book for my dad when Ella picks up this blasted cat book.  Cats.  Fucking cats, I swear to god.   So she’s flipping through the cat book showing me the pictures, cats sitting on a laptop, cats peaking out of boxes, cats stuck in the toilet, cats, cats, and more cats.  You know what, I’m allergic to cats.  So chomp on them apples.  That’s not right?  Suck on them cherry’s? I don’t know, you get the gist though, IRONY.

B&N was a no show on the beer brewing book so I was all lets go Ella, on to the next one, when she fills me in on the little secret that she wants me to buy her the cat book.  Of course she does.  A kid who has everything, needs a cat book to add to her collection.  I thought about it since earlier I had told her if she kept her trap shut I would get her the Justin Bieber silly band book for $4.99 but this fucking cat book was $12.  UH, NO! Not when I just spend $190 on American Girl shit for her Christmas present the other day.  Try again.  So I’m all, “No the cat book is $12, it doesn’t even have words, you’ll look at it one time and toss it to the side like yesterdays news.” Then here come the water works, “But Sissy I want it.” I told her I would get her the JB book but that wasn’t good enough.  So she got nothing.  I walked out of the store waving for her to follow and she walked out of the store with the book.  Now we’ve got a criminal on our hands.  I shoved her back in the store and had to explain stealing to a crying 6 year old.

Then, I had to rip the fucking cat book from her cold little hands and place it on the shelf and be like, “LETS GO!!!!!! WE’RE GOING HOME!!!!!!” Like all of those mean mommy’s you see in the department stores with unruly snot nosed children.  Since we had been at the mall all of 30 minutes and had 0 presents I decided that since Ella has an attention span slightly longer than a goldfish she would probably forget about it by the time we got to the next store and that maybe the day wasn’t a lost cause just yet.  Wrong.  We went through 3 more stores and I was still listening to, “But Sissy *sniff*sniff* I want it reaaaalllllyyy baaaaad.” I had to stand my ground and keep saying no because if there’s one thing that I hate more than a cheater it’s a bratty kid who is ungrateful for all of the meaningless shit they have at home.  Honestly, if she were my kid I would’ve gone home and thrown all of her toys in trash bags and told her I was taking them to the orphans.  Obviously, I wouldn’t but I would let her think I did for a week or two and I bet she wouldn’t act up again.

But she’s not my kid so I just brought her home and explained on the car ride that we weren’t shopping for her today and she needed to learn how to be selfless and buy nice things for other people and not think about what she wants.  She didn’t get it, then she decided that OK she would take the Justin Bieber book.  Uhhh, no.  Then I got the explanation that right now would’ve been a really good time for me to buy her that book because Christmas is coming and she’ll get all kinds of new toys but right now she doesn’t have anything new to play with.  Come on.  I mean she’s a good little manipulator, but I know those tricks.

We got home and Ella threw her coat on the ground, ripped off her boots, and bolted up the stairs.  Stepdad asked what was wrong with her and I said oh we had to come home early because she threw a tantrum over a cat book.  Later I heard him come up and talk to her asking if the cat book was really worth ruining her day out shopping with me after I had put a little make up on her, curled her hair, picked her out a nice tu-tu emo outfit, AND took her to McDonalds for lunch?  I’m pretty sure she said yes the cat book was worth it.  But she still came and apologized after he talked to her and gave me a hug.  I had to laugh about it because how full house/90’s sitcom was that sisterly fight? All ending with a hug and apology.

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Happy Holidays, you’re divorced!

Please tell me I’m not the only one devastated over Eve Longoria and Tony Parker getting a divorce?! What the hell? In fact, I’m so upset over it, I stayed home from work today. Just kidding, believe it or not, my boss gave me a comp-day because of all my hard work lately.

HA!

Anyway, back to Longoria and Parker. I mean, she is like the hottest old lady ever. So if she doesn’t stand a chance, who does?! According to my MTV News alert, it all started with some rumors that Parker was cheating (argh! bastard!), so Longoria filed for divorce. THEN, Parker gave her a little shocker (not the good kind) by also filing. I don’t understand how this works, but whatever.

Apparently it has something to do with their prenup, but if Parker cheated, then I’m certain he violated the prenup (where is Gizzy, the lawyer here).

In other news, I’m traveling to meet up with Buttons and Gizzy this Turkey Day, a usual tradition. Most people are shocked to find I don’t spend this beloved holiday with my family, and am with my friends instead. Not to get all emo on you, but in the last few years, I’ve learned my friends really are my family, and my family pretty much sucks.

So Thursday morning, I’ll be flying out, on my way across the country at 6 am. This is my preferred Turkey Day flight time, because I want to get there in time to eat as much as I can. Of course.

But this year, I’m fretting a little bit over all this drama the TSA has caused. Now, I’m all about airport and airplane safety. Like most people, I’m not ready for my life to end and I’ll be damned if it ends because of some pysho with a lighter wearing bomb-panties.

I am always cooperative, I try to hurry and put my things in the bins and remove my shoes and coat, etc. But I hate it when the TSA presents me with these fucktard rules. Ahem, the liquids rule. I understand someone blew up a plane this way or something. But limiting my liquids to a ziplock bag doesn’t prevent shit. Unless of course, there is some kind of technology that seals the ziplock once the wheels pick up and then releases the seal once we are back on the ground.

Which is not the case. Therefore, I could still stuff enough damage into my ziplock to take care of things. And NO I’m not a terrorist. I’m simply saying that some of these rules don’t make sense. Just say no liquids.

I am usually accused of having a fake laptop. Even though it goes through the scanner, they always ask me if it’s fake.

WELL OFFICER, LETS TURN IT ON AND FIND OUT, SHALL WE?

Like yes, I shaped a giant brick of coke to look like an Apple laptop (complete with logo). Christ.

I understand we have to go through these measures, but while you’re accusing me of having a fake computer, someone is shipping printer explosives. Priorities, people!

So now, there’s all this hooplah over the scanning machines and pat-downs. Really? I don’t give a shit. You want to see me naked? I’ll get on the plane wearing nothing, I really don’t care. You want to feel me up with the front of your hand, go for it, because I haven’t gotten ass in six weeks, feel free to pinch a nip while you’re at it.

Just as during sex, as long as you don’t shove anything up my ass, I’ll be fine.

This morning, I haeard TSA was banning underwire bras, which sent me into a frenzy. What other kind of bras are there? My boobs are huge, there is no way I can go without an underwire and I refuse to! So, I looked up the prohibited items on the TSA website, just to be sure.

Here are some of the prohibited items:

Box cutters, ice picks, knives, meat cleavers, swords, baseball bats, hockey sticks, bows and arrows, cattle prods, throwing stars, fireworks, tear gas, and snow globes (among many others).

I mean really. The scary thing is, you know they created these lists because some jacktard showed up on a plane with a cattle prod, on his way to Texas. Geez.

Anyway, I’m not going to refuse the body scan, and I pray to the glitter Mary that I won’t have to be pulled aside for a pat down, simply because of the horror stories I’ve heard (see: prosthetic breast, colostomy bag).

I’m thinking of just showing up naked, thoughts?

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