Tag Archives: single girl

A little bit of Texas in my….

It’s Ja Ja Ja JERSEDAY!!!!! This week a Priest tells Snooki to cover up her ta ta’s and I cannot wait!!

You’ll all be happy to hear that I made my first responsible adult romantic decision Tuesday night while I was out for drinks with Texas.  I saw a red flag and called him on it.

The evening kicked off about 9pm at a bar between our two places.  Anth dropped me off and on our way there we discussed what Texas and I were going to talk about since it was just going to be the two of us.  I knew there would be the typical what have you been up to for the past year convo but I really didn’t know where the conversation would lead.  I really wanted to find out for sure if he still had the girlfriend so that was at the top of the agenda.  

We got the typical work talk out of the way pretty quickly, I told him about my job and all of the old people I work with and he told me he’s been running a ski lodge in Colorado for the past year, and living at the lodge so that he could ski everyday.  That was a yellow flag.  My thoughts coming into this were wondering if he had become an “adult” since we graduated from college a year ago, and him telling me this little tid bit of info told me no he hadn’t grown up at all and was probably still a big partier.   He was quick to mention the “EX-girlfriend” so that I knew he was single and ready to mingle.  

The conversation turned to music and he asked me if I liked electronic music, I made a face and grunted “NO!” and he took it upon himself to try and change my mind.  Telling me I had to come to a concert with him and I had to do X so that I enjoyed it.  At first I laughed it off and just said, “Uh yeah that’ll happen.”  But he was persistent, telling me how it makes you feel and blah blah blah.  All stuff I had heard before when Snoop-Linus did that shit every weekend.  Then after he was done with his sales pitch he asked, “So do you want to do it?” I looked at him like he was an idiot and said “Um NO! I am 26 years old, peer pressuring me isn’t going to work.  I have no desire to do that stuff.  And aren’t you afraid it’s going to mess up your brain?”  He came back with some unconvincing spiel about how he only does it a few times a year when he goes to a concert or something so it’s not like he does it every weekend.  Eventually I asked if we could just change the subject.  He knows Snoop-Linus and already knows a lot of what I went through with that so at that point I was pretty much over the drug talk.  And at that point I held up my hand and said, “THIS! This is what we like to call a red flag.  Don’t try and date me or anything ok?  I’m not going to date another guy who does drugs, so just don’t even try it.”  

Anth and Lucky both got a good chuckle out of that.  I mean yeah it’s the first time we’ve talked in a year and I’m already turning him down before he even made a move.  I knew saying that wouldn’t turn him away though, but I just had to say it because really… I’m not going to date another guy who does that shit, not even casually.   

Lucky and I talked about this today, and discussed how 2 years ago I would’ve been swept off my feet after last night and ignored the major red flag.  Because everything else about this guy is spot on what I like.  He’s hot, he’s the type of guy who looks you in the eye when he talks to you, he’s a gentleman, easy to talk to, funny, smart… blah blah blah… but I’m not going to let all of the things I like about him override the major thing that I don’t like, that would inevitably cause a problem in any type of relationship we had even if it was casual.  So I put a stop to it before it even started.  Which probably won’t keep me from drunkenly making out with him, but at least I’ve already told myself I won’t emotionally invest myself in liking this guy.

So that’s that… I made the big adult decision to not waste my time on a guy that I would probably end it with in 6 months because it reminded me too much of my relationship with Snoop-Linus.  I’m still going to be his friend and hang out with him, but that’s it.   And I know he won’t stop trying to get it to be more, he’s already asked me to dinner (that I declined) and posted on my facebook wall that he had fun (putting it on blast for the world, MWHAHA).

I just don’t know how I attract these druggies.  Don’t get me wrong either, they aren’t like dirty scumlord meth heads.  They are clean cut, cute, frat guy types and I just don’t know what this world is coming to.   Like how hard could it be to meet a guy who is hot and doesn’t want to snort his paycheck up his nose in the city?

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Missing Girl

It’s finally Friday and I personally could not be happier.  I’m heading home for the weekend to see an old friend and hang out with my wang out.  I’m so thankful to get away from the boys for the weekend, they’re driving me insane.  Anth mentioned “having to put up with my bitchiness lately” after I told him I wasn’t home and couldn’t preheat the oven for him, like really? Assholes.

Anyway, has anyone been following this missing student case at Indiana University? I’ve never found myself reading up on these missing persons cases but this one has particularly caught my attention.  I had a good friend from high school move to Indiana to work at IU after college, 2 summers ago Betty and I made the jaunt to visit her there and we went to this Kilroy’s Sports Bar that this girl was at the night she disappeared.  

First I’ll say I wasn’t impressed with it, it was definitely a sketchy bar in a super sketchy area and we met sketchy people while we were there.  My friend’s sister was visiting the same weekend and some how found these guys in from out of town.  They said they had a cabin in the woods and we should all come back with them.  Betty and I instantly said no but my friend and her sister wanted to smoke pot and these guys had it so of course they were all for it.  

Eventually we got my friend and her sister to agree it wasn’t a good idea and tell the guys we were just going home.  They insisted on giving us a ride to our car that was like a mile away maybe since it was raining out and all.  I of course noticed that the driver was pounding shots all night saying how wasted he was who then insisted he was fine.  We got in because we were stupid and thought what was the worst that could happen if they were just driving us down the street? 

Me, Betty, my friend, and her sister were all in the back row of the Tahoe and there were 5-6 guys in the front and middle rows.  The next thing I know they pass the car and head into the woods  East of the city “toward their cabin.”  I freaked out and started beating on the window with an umbrella that was in the back seat demanding they let us out.  They refused to stop so I started screaming that I was calling the police if they didn’t let us out.  Finally when I put the phone on speaker as I dialed 911 the guy pulled over and Betty, my friend and I all jumped out while her sister sat in the car and insisted on going to this cabin.  Really?!! Dumbass.  So we coaxed her out of the car and suddenly the guys wanted to be nice guys and were all, “We’re not leaving you in the middle of the woods.” And I’m all, “Well we’re not getting back in your damn car you creeps.” So they drove off and left us. 

We walked a while to we made it to some Boy Scout post and I 411ed us a cab – that never came.  After a while I called another one and finally at 5am one of them actually came.  Scariest night of my life, hands down; I can only imagine what that poor girl has gone through.  That night showed me how easy it would be to get abducted by someone and not even realize it until it was too late I was relatively sober and still felt helpless, I couldn’t even begin to imagine being as inebriated as the news articles are saying she was and have someone abduct you or have a friend harm you.  Just wow. None the less, this girl has been on my mind a lot the past few weeks and I hope they find her soon safe and sound.

In other news…like Lucky mentioned yesterday, we did our single girl date night alone Wednesday night.  My night started out a little rough but ended up an overall success I’d say.  My whole plan was to go to this bar where I thought the wallstreet type hung out after work.  I wandered around the building and only found a public transit station.  Blah! (Which I drove by again today and there is definitely a bar there! I just don’t know how to get to it.  Blast!)

Anyway, after 30 minutes of searching for a parking spot and another 30 wandering the downtown streets I finally came across a little pub attached to a non-franchise high class hotel.  From the outside looking in all I saw were men in suits. Ba-ba-BINGO! 

I walked in, told the hostess I’d sit at the bar, and made my way down the right side of the bar looking for a seat (the place was packed!) A (hot) guy jumped up and told me I could have his seat because he had been sitting all day, the seat was directly behind a giant pole, but who was I to complain?  I thanked him, sat down, and ordered a glass of Merlot.  

Then, the guy leans in over my shoulder and says, “I know I gave you my seat, but you have to promise not to have too great of a conversation with that pole.”  I giggled and messed with my hair.  I’m not good at flirting anymore, like what should I have said? Do you want to go next door and get a room? IDK! Then he asked if I was meeting anyone there.  I told him no, that I was just stopping in for a drink after work to avoid the bad traffic.  He told me I was a smart girl and then just lingered around for the next 10-15 minutes until he disappeared forever.  During his lingering time the guy next to me offered to scoot down so the guy could sit next to me and he declined.  Sad 😦 I feel like I should’ve made an attempt to keep the convo going, but I was so nervous!

The guy who was sitting next to me later apologized for offering the hot guy his seat.  He claimed he thought we were together and that he thought the guy wanted to sit next to me. No, no, I’m not that cool. YET! Sighhhh…. It was a good first attempt at the Patti Stanger project, I guess.

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Paging Dr. Love, not Gene Simmons

As you all know my love life has been pretty meh the past few months.  I got my hopes up with Little Married Mikey and since then there have really been no prospects on the forefront of dating.  You might recall that last week when I had my lunch with Corned Beef I mentioned that she took me to the young hot doctor hot spot.  I didn’t elaborate on this at the time because it took me a few days to figure out what I was going to do with this new wonderful insight.  Well this weekend I saw the light.

I have this brilliant new plan to marry a doctor, and I’m dragging Lucky along with me.  We all know that Lucky is unsure what her situation with her job will be in the coming months so I have practically given her the rights to my first born if she will move to my city so we can frolick arm and arm in the city streets together.

 While I was eating with Corned Beef I noticed several doctors under the age of 30 and I would be lying if I said a few of them didn’t notice me as well.  After all, my place of work isn’t necessarily known for employing attractive people as much as it is smart people, so it is rare to see someone who is even semi-attractive let alone physically fit, not that I am either of these but you know when there’s not much to choose from the ugly duckling starts to look a lot less ugly.  So I decided that I’m going to make the most of this hot doctor lunch spot and find me a doctor husband.  That’s right.  And I’m going to find Lucky one while I’m at it.  

Throughout the next few weeks I plan to go to the lunch spot at various times throughout the day to determine when the pickins are best.  Once I determine that time I will make that my new lunch hour.  I’ll sit at the same table at the same time every day.  Hopefully I will see the same hot doctors and hopefully they will see me too.  It’s inevitable that one day one of us will strike up a conversation and we’ll fall in love over a chicken salad sandwich and iced tea.  And the rest will be history, I can hear the wedding march already.  Lucky told me that Patti Stangler encourages this type of behavior so it must work.  

Lucky will get drug into this brilliant plan when Doctor Love and I get to know each other a little better and I feel comfortable enough to host a find-Lucky-a-hot doctor-too-party with 25 of Doctor Love’s most eligible bachelor doctor friends for her to choose from.  See: This is NOT a set up as much as it is like the bachelor.  There will be half hearts for Lucky to give out at the end of the dinner and if they get a half heart they get a 1 on 1 date and so on, then Lucky will find the hot doctor whose half heart matches her half heart and they will fall in love.  Then we can both marry hot doctors and be housewives and go shopping downtown all day and hire nanny’s to watch the brats.  We’ll walk down the street petting our furs while smoking out of quellazaires and litter just because we can.  And it will be awesome. 

I even ran this whole plan past my mom this past weekend.  Like, “Who’s ready to be the doctors mother in law!!?? YOU ARE!!!” Before I could even finish my new daily lunch schedule she blurted out, “You HAVE to go at the same time everyday!!! This will work!!!” As every father dreams of their son being a scientist, astronaut, or doctor; every mother dreams of her daughter marrying a scientist, astronaut, or doctor.  Why mother, it would be my pleasure to make your dreams come true.  I feel this is an opportunity to really make my family proud.  And by god, you just watch, I’m gonna do it!!!  And so is Lucky!!!!

Day 1 begins Monday.  I will report my findings WITH photo back up.  And thanks to the book Lucky sent me last week (that was also on her Chic Lit list) Straight Up And Dirty, I now know that I need to date at least 3 doctors at once so that I know if I really do like any of them and I’m not just settling for what is there.  

I think my 3 new doctor boyfriends are going to be quite impressed when they hear about my upcoming 17K bike ride.  It’s hard to hold down a job, be a gold digger, and ride a bike all at the same time. I’m exhausted already.  I’ve also started looking up soul food recipes.  Just a few – 1 for some good salisbury steak with taters, a few pies… JUST enough to make them think I am good wife material then once the ring is on my finger it’s back to tv dinners and chinese take out.

Really though… SWF seeks MD.

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Who wants a divorce!

Anotha day, anotha dolla.  Here we are, smack dab in the middle of engagement season, then in the spring comes wedding season.  The real question is, when is divorce season?

Tuesday night I got a delightful little facebook chat from one of my old college flames.  I say delightful because he totally screwed me over but college wouldn’t have been the same without him.   We’ll call him Snatch.

I met Snatch at the beginning of my sophomore year, we had math class together and I thought he was H-O-T hot!  Facebook had been around for 2 days, it was back when there was a section to list your classes and you could click on the class and see who was in it.  So awesome (you hear that Mark Zuckerberg?!) Naturally, I facebook crept until I found out who math class guy was, discovered he was in a fraternity, and blabbed about this guy until my roommate finally found a connection for us to get into one of the frat’s parties that coming weekend.  As soon as we got to the fraternity we told our insider what was up, he took me directly to where Snatch was working, he was on sober patrol working the door.  Snatch recognized me from math class and asked for my number so he could call me when he got off, and he did.  The rest is pretty much history, we dated off and on for the next 4 years, until I went on a spring break cruise to the Bahamas and randomly met Snatch’s girlfriend who went to a different school.  It was one of those, “You go to SHIT U? My boyfriend goes to SHIT U and is a Booger Chi!” “OHHH MINE TOO!” “What’s your boyfriend’s name?” “Snatch Ass.” “Hmm…Mine too.”  I didn’t hate Snatch for long though, we ended up becoming really good friends after I realized being a two timer was the least of his problems and I was better off without him, until he started dating his now fiance, who we also went to college with.  She knows mine and Snatch’s history and has basically forbid him to speak to me.  She nearly had a conniption last year when Snoop-Linus and I stayed at Snatch’s apartment, I mean did she really think we were going to just have a big Gizzy gang bang?

Anyway, Snatch facebook chatted me to see what was up.  One thing led to another and we started reminiscing about the good ol’ college days, then Snatch starts talking about my boobs and how excited he is for me to move to the city, totes inappropriate.

Is it just me or are guys these days proposing just for funsies? Clearly he doesn’t love his fiance that much or else he wouldn’t be reminiscing about an old college flame’s boobs? When I stayed at his apartment with Snoop-Linus they were only dating, but he told me he would probably end up proposing because he was too chicken shit to break up with her because on St. Patty’s day she through a half gallon of vodka at him.   I’d dump her for being a wasteful little cunty.  Hrmph.. all that un-drank vodka, ruined on the floor.

The next day, my mom’s best friend gave me the name and number of her “so cute stepson” who lives in the city that I need to “hook up with so he can show me around,” before I could even act on this, the guy had already added me to facebook.  What do I see when I look at his page? Married. W.T.F!!!!!

Is it just me or is it against some vows to be adding hot girls (clearly, that’s me, baha) to facebook so you can hang out later? My mom’s friend made it seem like he was single, which he clearly is not, and gets you a strike in my book.

What’s a single girl to do!? I need you guys to help snap me out of this funk.

I went to my friend’s tonight to see her new house and her baby before I move to the city.  I could hear myself droning on about how everyone is engaged, married, or in a relationship and since I am single I can’t hang out with anyone who is married or in a relationship because I am the 3rd wheel, and that makes me more miserable then washing out PIMP’s.  She just nodded, and told me she was pregnant and getting a mini-van.

I just don’t know what to do.  I love married people as much as the next guy, but I am surrounded by them.  And no offense to all you marrieds, but how is watching everyone else be married and spitting out kids every 2 seconds supposed to help me meet a guy?

For a while I thought this particular friend didn’t want to be friends anymore because I am single.  She’s all settled down with her hubs, baby, and dogs, in her white picket fence house and only hangs out with other marrieds who have kids and all that biz can’t be tainted when the single wench comes to visit in her hooker boots and v-neck sweater dress, it’ll get the neighbors talking. I won’t lie, I’m nervous to move to the big city but I will be thankful to be around my own kind, the singles.

I’m pretty sure all my taken friends feel sorry for me, I got 3 different invites to be a “tag along” on New Years Eve.  “Come to dinner with us!” “Come over and drink boxed wine!” “Come to this party! There will be cute guys!” Thanks, but no thanks, I’m not a 3rd wheel charity case and I’d rather gorge on chocolate and cry into my pillow, mmkay?

*Side note – A commercial just came on that DISH is getting rid of E! on January first.  What the fuck!!?? My life is over.  I don’t get bravo, I don’t get E!, seriously what the fuck?*

Anyway, my life sucks.  What’s new?

After I gave myself the perfect manicure on NYE I decided to drive to the big city the next day to look at some apartments/attend another big city butts game with Anth Saturday night.

Don’t worry! It was just him and I, no fancy faux fur phonies to impress this time.  #1 Anth wasn’t impressed that I brought the foam fingers along for the fun time and gave him a lecture about how he didn’t use his last time but that foam finger was willing to give him a 2nd chance because there’s nothing like cozying up by a warm fire with the one you love on a cold winter night.   Then I got a return lecture about how I will be single for a long long time if I continue to act like inanimate objects have feelings and personalities.   I mean, they do.  So I don’t know what his problem is.

We got all geared up to head out in the -20 weather for the game and made a pit-stop at a gas station.   I complained the entire 5 minute ride to the gas station about how I was so hungry I could feel my stomach eating itself.  For reals, it was starting to cave in, I saw it happen.  I just couldn’t wait for the delicious hot dogs and beer at the game, so I got some chili cheese fritos and peanut butter m&m’s to tide myself over.  Anth’s pumping gas while I’m mowing down on the fritos (this is so detailed so that you can paint the perfect picture of what is about to happen in your head) Anth gets in the car and is taking a drink from his gatorade when I decided I had to have the m&m’s right that second!! NOM NOM NOM.  I don’t hold anything back, I ripped into the bag of m&m’s and they went flying all over the car. It was literally raining peanut butter m&m’s.  Like really, not 1 m&m was left in the bag.  Anth just sat there in complete disarray of what had just happened and watched half of the bag of m&m’s fall in his air vent while I sat there wide eyed with my empty m&m bag.  Honestly, I was more upset that there were about 30 less m&m’s for me to eat.  Yeah, I picked every last one of them up and ate them.  Call me gross, I don’t care.  But those m&m’s were $3 and tough times call for tough measures.  Anth got pissed and started spouting off about how he thinks I might actually be retarded because how could I do such a thing!? Of course when summer comes he’s going to get a nice chocolate drizzle on his penny loafers but I’ll be long gone when that happens.

The game was good, the big city butts got over 100 points again, so I was happy that I got a free big mac to go with my post game bottle of wine.  All is right with the world, except that I’m still homeless and I start my new job in the big city in 16 days.  Eff.

But hey, Happy 2011 errybody!

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(Platonic) Date Night

As of 11:24 pm on December 20th Neal Bledsoe has not accepted my facebook friend request.

SEE! Awaiting friend confirmation. I’m kind of getting pissed off.  But anyway…

A texting conversation between Lucky and I yesterday afternoon that sums this post up in a nutshell:

Lucky: How the eff did you get fecal matter in your eye?

Me: God, I hope that saying isn’t true.  But I have no idea.  I did some sketchy things this weekend so I guess that’s what I get.

So, the million dollar question is how did I get pink eye? Thanks to Knocked Up we all know that you get pink eye from someone farting on your pillow.  Which absolutely could have happened this weekend.  Here’s the part in the movie when the camera zooms in on my glazed puffy eye and rewinds through the entire weekend and starts to play when I am getting out of my car at Anthony’s apartment in the big city Thursday night.

(Side Note: How I Met Your Mother is my new favorite show, LOVE IT! It’s on right now.  I am happy.)

I had my 3rd and final interview at XX University Friday afternoon.  Fingers crossed everybody, I may have gotten a job on my own!  So I did all that crap and Anthony and I decided to have a platonic date night, cause we’re just bff’s ya’ll.  We went to a nice steak dinner, drank 6 bottles of wine, gave a homeless guy $50/Anth’s gym membership card after having an entire conversation with him making him swear that he would take the $50 to a strip club and make it rain, made questionably positioned snow angels on Anth’s rooftop deck, threw snowballs at people off the rooftop deck, threw beer bottles off the rooftop deck, had a weird dance party, and awkwardly passed out on the floor: me in the kitchen doorway and Anth under the coffee table.  That’s exactly how I remember Friday night, too.  For it was a celebracion for my maybe new job. :/

Around 8 am Saturday morning we woke up (because when you pass out like a drunken fool at 11pm it’s easy to wake up early), looked for some apartments online, and actually found one.  I called the guy up and we had a nice little chitty chat about his condo for rent.  The pictures were nice, like real nice, and the rent was cheap, like real cheap (not really, but about as cheap as you can get in the city without having bars on your windows and trannys in your hallway.) Because he only needs someone to sublease it for 8 months while he is in India on business.  HOKAY mon, I’m your girl! But, as always, there was a catch.  I had to interview with the association board and the association board is a bunch of old corporate lawyers and snobby housewives.  The owner liked my style and gave me a few hints, “Tell them you love to work and that you just got married, they love newlyweds.”  UHM.  Both untrue.  But lucky for me I had a hungover Anth in tow to be my faux hubby.

Like any other Gizzy-Anth outting we had to drink before we went to the interview that evening.  Like all day.  The plan was to go have a few bloody mary’s to get rid of our hangovers/get our levels right so we could chat it up about our new marriage and make it believable.  Which turned into a whole day of fun.  On our way to the interview we came up with the brilliant plan to really play the part and stopped for this little gem:

Apparently drunk+association board interview=engagement ring.  Ok, not really… it was $4.88 at Forever 21 but it tricked the board and my mom.  I thought we really impressed everyone when we entered the building with our arms linked singing, “Hi Ho Hi Ho off to work we go ba dum dum dum dum dum dum hi ho hi ho hi hoooooooo!!!!” And we even did a little musical stance at the end of the song like we were on Broadway, which was really me standing arms in the air with the gayest smile ever plastered on my face and Anth trying his damnedest to get traction on the marble floor, because alas we were doing all of this in the snow.  I am completely serious.  It’s a shame Anth and I are sexually repulsed by each other, we make a great team and would be pretty much the coolest couple ever, but the thought of having sex with him makes me want to strap down my boobs and sew up my vagina.

I was pretty shocked at the questions the association board asked, I guess when it comes to people’s lively hood nothing is off limits.  They asked us about children, pets, drug use, our careers, education, alcohol use, the stability of our relationship and the relationships with our family, hospital visits, and jail visits among other things.  We were drunk so of course we answered the questions like jack-tards and told them he likes to beat me but only when he’s high on crack, then I curtseyed when we left and literally dove into the  backseat of a cab and yelled, “Onward march!” Ok yeah, I’m a little embarrassed now.  But, they totally loved us.

Or at least I thought they loved us and knew we were joking until I got this Christmas treat in my inbox this afternoon:

Gizzy,

I received this from the association board this afternoon.  Sorry, good luck on the rest of your search.

Grant

———————-

Dear Mr. T,

We the board acknowledge your efforts to lease your apartment for the duration of your extended stay overseas.  However, we ask that you take careful consideration of the candidates you select to bring to the board as possible tenants, and how they will interact with the lifestyle and temperaments of the building’s current tenants.

Your most recent candidate selection of Mr. A and Ms. G has alerted our attention that you may not be taking the tenant selection process as seriously as once promised.

We uphold the highest standards of elegance and class here at A Lot of Nuns House and prefer to have tenants who can not only respect the association board and our policies, but also the other building tenants, their privacy, and right to a peaceful place to live.  Because of these reasons and after careful evaluation, the board has elected to deny tenancy to Mr. A and Ms. G, as we feel they would be better suited elsewhere.

We wish you the best of luck in your selection process and look forward to meeting with future tenant candidates that you wish to proceed with for further evaluation.

Regards,

A Lot of Nuns House Association Board

—————————–

Hrmmph…Sorry for partying.

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