Tag Archives: single

The Welcome Back Party

Herrooo old friends!!! I’m going to be totally honest and tell you that I have no good excuse for going AWOL for a hot minute. Lucky and I have been talking for a few months about resurrecting the blog because we’re both kind of in the same place in our lives and we’ve got some things planned in the next few months that will probably be semi-entertaining to read about, so we thought better now than never! I just know I really haven’t been up to much the last couple of years and my life would have been SO boring to read about, unless you’d love to read about me trotting around the country drinking with my friends or recaps of Teen Mom and The Bachelor, in which case – I’m your girl!

After the whole Nutter Butter breakup and my failed attempt at dating a super-hot guy fresh out of college 2 years ago, I decided that I was tired of guys treating me like I was disposable and dating needed to be my last priority, so I stopped dating. It wasn’t long before it became really apparent to me that when you’re in your late 20s and you stop dating, that also means you stop having sex (side note: that doesn’t mean I didn’t TRY to have sex. I did try, with a really hot guy in the Navy that I met while I was out celebrating my 29th birthday. It is surprisingly hard to get a guy to just hook up with you and promise to never call you again.) When I came up with this plan I was about to turn 28 and hadn’t been without a guy since I was 14. I was serial dating all the wrong guys, knowing they were the wrong guys, but continuing to date them because I didn’t know how to be alone. And, what girl in her 20s doesn’t think she can rid a guy of all his bad habits? The stuff that I let those douchers get away with doing to me is so shameful, and I finally realized that if I didn’t take the time I needed to figure out who I was without a boyfriend, I would continue to date these awful guys and would probably end up married to and then divorced from one of them. If this is the part where you expect me to tell you that I finally met Prince Charming (See: Neal Bledsoe), then look away now, because that didn’t happen. I’m still single, but more stable and [I would hope] able to make better decisions. And when I say “better decisions,” I mean in the long run, I’m totally not opposed to bad decisions that are short term/one night stands with hot guys because… 2 years.

Also, this isn’t a post about self-discovery. I mean, come on, look who you’re talking to here: I’m still totally inappropriate and get way too drunk with my friends, albeit a lot less frequently now that we’re maturing. I’m still not really sure what I want to do with my life, but I finally realized that I’m not going to figure it out by dating assholes that cheat on me and have the audacity to manipulate me into thinking I deserved it. LOLZ – the fact that those things ever happened is so stupid, but it makes me pretty happy to know it’s all documented on this blog.

The whole “I’m not dating at all” concept is perplexing to basically everyone I tell. All my friends and family have tried to set me up so many times, like SO many times, these last 2 years and would then get super offended when I turned down the offer because they don’t understand why I would choose to be alone while I’m in my prime baby making years. Uh, maybe because guys are man whores and I don’t feel like being emotionally drained and worrying about STDs all the time? I don’t know! I’ve ruined a few friendships with guy friends who thought this stint of singledom would be the best time to finally ask me out. I know telling someone not to take it personal is almost always bullshit, and it is still total bullshit in my case because of course if the perfect guy came along (See: Neal Bledsoe above) I wouldn’t have turned him down, but I wasn’t about to waste my time or theirs when I already knew I wouldn’t be that into it. I’m pretty sure my family thinks I’m a lesbian (as long as Neal is still out there that’ll never happen) since I’m not married and don’t have a bunch of babies, because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re from a small town. My Grandma sat me down for a serious conversation a few months ago about getting artificially inseminated so I could have a family, there’s a cute guy at her church she thinks would do it – and by do it she meant jizz in a cup, not actually fuck me. My guy friends that are married have been pushing me to stay single for as long as possible and live the good life, because once you get married it’s a long road of misery, or at least that’s what they tell me. I overheard my Stepdad telling some other family members that it (my love life) will all be okay because I’ll be able to start catching guys on the next round. What’s the next round? Oh it’s just all the guys that got married and popped out a bunch of babies when they were 22 who are now 30 and getting divorced. Exactly what I want, a divorcee with a bunch of babies. Real talk, it’s kind of fun watching everyone squirm because they can’t figure me out. But, I’m almost ready to start dating again, like seeing one more Nicholas Sparks movie alone and then I’ll date anyone with a pulse almost ready.

P.s. As of today, Neal Bledsoe still has not approved my facebook friend request, but I’m okay with it. A few months ago, after 4 ½ years of persistence, he finally acknowledged my existence on twitter. Small victories.

P.p.s. We just got Instagram: Instagram.com/cocktailsattiffanys

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I HAD A DATE!

Yes, you read that correctly! I went on a date—a BLIND date—Friday.

Since dating D, I’ve only been on one date…and it wasn’t so great (not horrible, but we didn’t go on a second date).

While I’m not in a mind-space of thinking that I necessarily need a boyfriend, I am starting to get bored with myself. Like GOD, can I just leave the apartment once in awhile? Or go and get dressed up for drinks, or something?

So, I jumped at the chance when one of my girlfriends from college sent me a text saying she had a friend she thought I’d be compatible with. I trust her, and she’s got great taste…besides, I had nothing to lose, so I told her, yes I was down for it.

I didn’t really think it was going to happen—not saying she’s a flake by any means, I just didn’t know how serious she, or this guy, was. But about a week later, he sent me his name and asked me out for dinner and drinks via text.

It took everything I had not to Google him; I wanted to go in totally blind. However, I gave Gizzy his name and had HER Google him and just tell me if she saw any red flags right off the bat. She didn’t, so I was glad.

So, Friday, he offered to pick me up and take us downtown to a nice wine bar. When I saw him, in the street, I was pleasantly surprised. He was fit, clean cut, dressed in a button-down shirt, with a small tattoo near his wrist.

We walked a ways and started talking, as we headed toward his car. He opened my car door.

At the wine bar, we both got wine flights, tasted each other’s wine picks, ate some food, and talked. A lot. And I shit you not, he told me I was gorgeous, and that he was surprised our mutual friend didn’t mention how “lovely” I was.

I was nearly blushing—no one has ever said those things to me.

Around midnight, we went for a walk downtown, and found a small, quiet bar to keep talking and get a few more beers. Turns out, we have quite a bit of things in common.

When the bar closed, he took me home, walked me to my door, and gave me a kiss. It was very sweet.

When I got into bed, he’d sent me a text: “Thank you so much for the company tonight. You were more incredible than I imagined. Goodnight and sweet dreams!”

He called me last night, and asked me for a second date this Friday—we are going to a rooftop sushi place. I’m pretty excited, and of course, I’ll keep you posted!

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7. Describe your perfect man/woman.

These are all so HARD.

Ever since all of the stuff with D, I feel really defeated in love.

I used to have this list of all these things I wanted in a man. And sometimes, I’ve gotten some of the things on that long list. But no matter who or what, that guy turns out to be an asshole. And now I’m in this place where I associate all of those good qualities I once wanted, with the bad ones that I got.

Like, yeah he looked great in a baseball hat…but he was controlling.

Hrmph.

So…my dream guy…looks like Zac Efron…smells like Abercrombie (or anything mountain-lodgey)…is sweet to me… thinks I’m awesome… tells me I’m beautiful… is funny… smart… honest… doesn’t lie to me or cheat on me… actually he pretty much is Zac Efron’s character in the Lucky One, okay, I said it.

The older I get and the more single I become the more convoluted my fantasy man becomes. Right now I’d like it to be a mix between Zac Efron, Bruno Mars, Ryan Gosling, and Harry Styles. A little piece of each of them.

I’d like everything about Zac Efron, his face, his abs, his penis (assuming it’s big, but not too big, the perfect peen). Bruno Mars’ personality, sense of humor, and voice. Bruno’s sense of humor is kind of he doesn’t take life too seriously and can make fun of himself, and I really love it and that’s what makes him so attractive to me. Any trait the guy could get from Ryan Gosling would be fine, because the man is perfect. Harry Styles’ humbleness and it would be ok if the guy looked like him a little too. 

On a non-celebrity level I really just want someone who is honest. In all of my relationships that has been the one thing that has always been missing.  Guys are either not honest about where they’ve been/who they’ve been talking to or aren’t honest about their feelings and what they want, and right now that’s at the top of my list. Right below that is someone who is fun/funny and not a serious Debbie Downer.  It’s pretty rare for me to be in a bad mood or to be super serious about anything at all. I laugh at everything, so I really want someone who just has fun all of the time in any situation.  Someone who can take a joke and can dish them right back out would fit right in with me.  I’d also like to find a guy who is secure and confident with who he is.  The more I date the more I realize guys are way more insecure than girls, and it’s a huge buzzkill. Any guys that want to date me I really just need 3 things – be hot as fuck, funny, and honest. If I can find a guy like that I’m confident we will have a lifetime of happiness and really attractive children.

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I carbed out… sowwwy!

If anyone was keeping track you might have guessed that my 30 day paleo challenge is over and I have been busy stuffing my face with all the carbs in sight, so I haven’t had time to blog plus my hands were dirty with donut jelly. Ain’t nobody got time to be havin’ sticky keys cause they dint wash they hands. Ya feels me!? 

So I was looking through some photos on my phone so that I could post pictures of my favorite paleo recipes, when I found this:

photo

That my friends is a selfie of me smelling flowers at a bar on a Saturday night. Flowers that weren’t even mine, mind you. Remember how pissed I was that Gigi got what I thought should have been my flowers? This is them, and now I understand why he gave them to her instead of me. This is the kind of thing you can look forward to now that I’m back on the booze train.

Anyway, here is one of my favorite recipes that I tried during the challenge.  This one I found on paleoplan.com

Garlic chicken, red pepper, and mushroom sauce on a bed of asparagus 

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Ingredients:

  • 1 lb boneless, skinless chicken breasts, diced
  • 2 Tbs olive oil, divided
  • 1/2 tsp sea salt (optional)
  • 1/4 tsp freshly ground black pepper
  • 1/2 tsp chili powder
  • 1 clove garlic, minced
  • 1 medium yellow onion, diced
  • 8-10 white button or cremini mushrooms, sliced
  • 2 red bell peppers, sliced
  • 1/3 cup coconut milk

Instructions:

  1. Marinate chicken in 1 Tbs olive oil, sea salt (optional), black pepper, chili powder and garlic. Refrigerate for 1 hour.
  2. Shortly before meal time, heat 2 medium skillets over medium-high heat.
  3. In one, saute marinated chicken until browned and almost fully cooked.
  4. Heat 1 Tbs olive (or coconut) oil in the other skillet. Add onion and saute for about 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add mushrooms and continue to cook until tender.
  5. Add red pepper, coconut milk and browned chicken and stir. Cook for an additional 5-10 minutes, or until the chicken is completely done.

I made mine into a smaller portion and loaded it on top of some boiled asparagus annnnd it was delicious! Now, please excuse me while I help myself to a package of E.L. Fudge cookies. NOM!

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Mercedes the Mega-bitch

Do ya’ll remember that mega-bitch ex-friend of mine named MERCEDES? Yes, everyone take a moment to shudder in your chair.

Occasionally that stupid bitch rears her ugly head into my life and when that happens I get the fun reminder that there are still some things out there that do piss me the fuck off. And she is one of them.

Almost every time I hang out with Gigi or Chuck they talk about the last time they talked to her and how she says she misses me and would like us to be friends again, but not before I apologize. Which is never going to fucking happen, for the following reasons:

1. She’s a mega-bitch.
2. I did nothing wrong, she was the one who stabbed me in the back.
3. She’s a drama filled mega-bitch.

Every now and then someone (Anth or the likings there of) will tell me they ran into her and she asked how I was doing, where I’ve been, and what I’ve been doing. Which sends me instantly into a stink-eyed frenzy of questioning my friendship with said person for speaking my name to that mega-bitch.

But the most recent happenings are just… I can’t.

A little more than a month ago I got a random friend request from Snatch’s best friend from High School, Krusty Krabs.  I knew the guy in college. In fact, him and Snatch were roommates when he and I dated so we remained friends throughout college. 

After facebook stalking one afternoon I had come to the conclusion that the guy, Krusty Krabs, was no longer married (or maybe never got married, he was engaged at one point, but whatevs minor details) and that he was lookin’ mighty fine.  I explained to Lucky that very day that I was going to do some research and find out about whole ex-wife/fiance situation and see why they broke up/got a divorce, if it wasn’t too horrible of a reason (cause I’m not dealing with anymore lying cheating bastard asses), I was going to make my approach and start liking all of his stuff on facebook, because I’m 13, and then eventually he’d either talk to me or block me.  About 5 minutes later Snatch texted me about some random picture I had made a comment on.  Which was weird, he’s basically forbidden to talk to me unless his wife is present, but I didn’t think much of it.

I couldn’t find any solid evidence on the breakup/divorce so a few weeks ago I was prepared to start my liking approach, but he beat me to it and had already started liking all my stuff  so I started liking his back (side note: I am aware of how juvenile this all sounds, but do you want blog posts or no? Hokay then, lets continue.) Then a few nights ago I was texting with Betty and she’s all, “Oh by the way, how weird is it that Krusty Krabs and Mercedes are dating?”

Hold the mother fucking bus.  WHAT?! What. The. Fuck. We have totally been cyber flirting via facebook liking and this is not okay.

She said Mercedes had been posting a gaggle of pictures of the two of them, but since I have her blocked, I couldn’t see any of them. Betty thought I should intercept because Mercedes will muff it up anyway, but no. He’s ruined now. 

Betty gave me her login information so I could check out all the pictures for myself, and sure enough around the time he added me on facebook was when their whole shebang started. This got me thinking, Mercedes probably asked him to add me so she could stalk my shit. And then probably got a giant kick out of liking everything and then me reciprocating and liking back. 

Then, feeling like the whole world was conspiring against me, I wondered if Snatch was in on it too and texted me that one day to see if I would say anything about the two of them.

Mercedes and I haven’t spoken in nearly 3 years and this bitch will not get out of my life. The end.
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Happy Halloween, You Blockheads!

In the spirit of Halloween (my favorite Holiday after the 4th of July) I’m going to keep this post light, because no one wants to read about how I’m pissed off at the World on such a joyful day.  So with that said, I’m just going to share a picture of my Halloween costume.

Pig Pen

And the rest of my department at work.

Peanuts Gang

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Gizzy’s Diary – Entry 1

Dear Diary,

This week has been mediocre, as is my life.  I accepted the role of ‘guinea pig’ for my team’s Halloween costume at work.  Meaning, I got to bring all the supplies home, make the costume, and then had to instruct everyone at work on how to make it.  They called me Miss Gizzy, and it felt good.  However, applying 2 layers of paper mache to a beach ball did not feel good.   In fact, it made me feel really fucking gross because the “paste” is made out of flour and water and when I went outside to walk the dog, my neighbor asked if I was aware that I had biscuit in my hair. I wanted to ask if he was aware that he should shut the fuck up, but be proud, Diary, I did not.

Last weekend I went to visit Gigi.  We threw ourselves a “I’m not getting married” Bachelorette party, which was fun because we got free drinks and negative attention, but ended in Gigi getting flowers from a guy that hit on me. I won’t even elaborate because I’m still pissed at that flower stealing whore face.

Earlier this week I threw 2 tantrums in public. Both over spaghetti squash, or rather the lack there of. I mean, I don’t live on fucking Antarctica. Can I not expect my local grocer to carry a common food item such as that? According to Walmart Manager Billy, I cannot.

Thanks for listening, Diary.

Love,

Your BFF, Gizzy<3

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