Tag Archives: snoop-linus

How did I get so lucky?

As I’m sure you all can recall, I’ve had a tough time getting Snoop-Linus to leave me alone.  We’ve been broken up for over 2 years now, and I haven’t spoken to him in over 9 months.  He’s had like 3 or 4 different phone numbers in that time and always makes it a point to let me know his new number.  I haven’t saved the last few in my phone but I still always knew it was him calling/texting because of the area code. 

After some serious debating with Lucky, we decided that I should save the number as the girl I walked in on him cheating on me with (as a reminder and so it also doesn’t look like I have my ex callng me all the damn time) and put the ringer and text notifications as silent.  Done and done.

The last I heard/knew he was actively dating this girl and he had also told people that he dumped me to be with her.  Harrrrr OK!  The last time I checked I dumped his ass because he cheated on me a babillion times.  But whatevs, as long as I’m not with him I don’t give a flying fuck why people think we broke up.  Anyway… apparently this girl is a runner and every few months she gets bored with Snoop-Linus so she stops talking to him and dates someone else.  HAHA.  I cannot express in words how awesome this is.  But this also explains why he intermittently calls and texts me and acts like we are BFF when really I just wish he would die.

ALSO, my friend that told me that he is dating this whore bag also told me that a few months back she ran into this other girl that Snoop-Linus knew in college at a club and she revealed some pretty disgusting stuff about when he used to cheat on me with her.  The cheating count is up to 4 different girls now.  So this new found whore bag said that she used to come over during the day when I was at class or work and her and SL would hook up, she would and I quote, “Give him really good head and he would smack her ass and they had nice sex.” At this point I’m 200% over Snoop-Linus, so hearing this stuff doesn’t upset me in the slightest, it just disgusts me and makes me thank my lucky stars that I didn’t get STDs from him.  Honestly he just deserves to die and rot in hell, that’s the only way to simply put it.

So anyway, last week my aunt and cousins came up to the big city for a visit.  We went out to dinner and did some sightseeing and when I looked at my phone a few hours later I had a text and a missed call from Snoop-Linus.  Since the last time I posted about how he was annoying me I’ve gotten a few texts but no phone calls…

March 26th

Happy belated birthday!!!! Sorry lost another phone again in Miami this time lol. Hope all is well

April 8th

Happy Easter to you and your family!

April 29th

Heyy! How’s everything been going?! Been thinking about you a lot

And then the most recent, after the phone call last Tuesday June 14th

What up stranger?! Was calling to see how life is going.  Give me a call back.  Would love to catch up with ya! Hope all is well!

So he didn’t leave a voicemail with his call and sent that text instead.  I know the last time I posted about him I went off about why he has to act like we are BFFs.   He’s having a conversation with himself here because I haven’t replied to a text from him since October.  OCTOBER! And he still has the audacity to demand that I call him back.  Whatever douchebag, go die.

I got over being pissed about that and Wednesday night I went to a baseball game with Anth and his GF.  I came back all drunkity drunk and got into bed.  Then I heard my phone start ringing. It was midnight, so I thought that was pretty strange.  I pick it up and it’s Douchearoo.  Wow.  Seriously, what did I do to deserve a double whammy within a week?

I didn’t pick up his call, but I was actually kind of tempted.  It’s been YEARS since Douceharoo called me, I get texts from him every 6 months or so but a call has been unheard of.  I didn’t consider answering it because I so badly wanted to talk to him, I just honestly wondered what he could possibly have to say at midnight on a Wednesday.  Then I realized that I didn’t even need to hear whatever he had to say, because him calling me at midnight on a Wednesday said it all, that he is still the exact same person he was when I dated him.  Going out and getting shitfaced and then drunk dialing everything with a vagina in his phone.  Yep, yeppers.

I was halfway expecting to get a text from him the next day apologizing for the call but I never got anything.  At some point in the midst of all of this while I was at work one day Snoop-Linus threw up a picture on facebook of him looking like an idiot at some rave.  He tagged one of our mutual friends in it so even though we aren’t friends it came up on my mini-feed. I’ve had just about all the Snoop-Linus I can handle, so I blocked him. 

And apparently, even though he can see nothing but my profile picture – he still checks that on the reg. Last night around 10:30 I look over at my phone and see I have a missed call and voicemail.  Then I see it was him.  Gr-eat.

The voicemail…

“Hey it’s me.  Call me back.  Stop being weak and stop like blocking me on facebook girl.”

You all know me well enough to know my reaction to this.  What. The. Fuck.  This is the first time, in a long time, I’ve considered sending him a text saying that if he doesn’t leave me alone I’m going to get a restraining order.  It’s taking everything I have to not snap off and send him a big long message about how big of a schizophrenic psycho he is.  But I’m not doing it.  Deep breaths… deep breaths… and weekend.

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I didn’t order any crazy this weekend

While we’re on the subject of ex-boyfriends and how much they are life-ruiners, I too had a blast from the past this weekend.  Unfortunately, mine wasn’t in a nightmare… it was in real life.

Friday night after work I went out for dinner and drinks with the ole crew.  JM and his girlfriend were in town and made me feel obligated to hang out with them at least once since I wouldn’t be participating in the St. Patty’s day festivities.  So I did, we got a little sauced and came home at 10:30 and I went to bed.

At 1:30 I was woken up by a call from a number not programed in my phone.  Since I was half drunk and still asleep it took me a good 10 minutes of staring at the number to figure out who it was.  Snoop-Linus.

You see, a few weeks ago I got a text from this same number: “Hey it’s Snoop-Linus, my phone got stolen and I wanted you to have my new #.  Hope all is well.  Would love to catch up sometime.”

Of course I didn’t reply, I didn’t save the number, and I didn’t feel anything.  It was more of an annoyance if anything.  Each time I hear from this kid it makes me more happy than the last that I’m not with him.  Seriously? You are 25 years old, how does your phone get stolen? I’ll tell you how, you’re high on drugs and wasted out of your mind at some stupid club and can’t keep track of your shit.  Not sad I wasn’t there. Get a life and stay out of mine.

So, when he called he didn’t leave a message.  But no one calls their ex-girlfriend that they haven’t spoken to in 6 months at 1:30 in the morning unless they are shitfaced.  Even though he didn’t leave some drunk tard voicemail this phone call really pissed me the fuck off.  Like hey dude, what’s it going to take for you to realize I want nothing to do with you? I’ve told you, multiple times.  I’ve also asked multiple times that you leave me alone, I hate you and fuck off. But mostly I was pissed because it woke me up out of a good drunken sleep.

So then comes Saturday night.  Typically when Snoop-Linus drunk dials me he’ll send a text in the morning apologizing and saying he hopes all is well yada yada yada [insert fake bullshit].  Which makes me hate him even more, how many apologetic texts does someone have to send before they say enough is enough, get embarrassed, and delete the number out of their phone? Christ!

Anyway, I didn’t get an apologetic text on Saturday.  Instead, Sunday morning I woke up to an obvious drunk text from him that was sent at 4am: “Really need someone to talk to if you’re up.” Tell me this.  Why would I be up at 4am you fucking douche? I don’t care if you need someone to talk to.  I don’t care if your dog is dying, I don’t care if you got into a car accident, I don’t care if you used your one phone call from jail Friday night to call me. I DON’T CARE.  You would think 6 months of not responding to phone calls and texts would reiterate the fact that I don’t care about him but it doesn’t and that’s why I’m frustrated.

I want him to leave me alone.  Him calling and texting is no sweat off my back because I’m not ever tempted to answer it or text back, but I just worry about my dating future.  I don’t want to be lying in bed with a boyfriend to be and still have my ex drunk dialing me because he’s an idiot, that’s certainly something that I could see becoming an issue in a future relationship if it continues.

So what are my possible solutions here? Lucky suggested changing my number which I have thought about several times in the past, but I’ve got about 10 job applications out there with my current number on them so I feel like that’s not really an option at the moment.

Anth suggested getting his number blocked, which would work if Snoop-Linus wasn’t such an idiot and didn’t lose his phone all the time and keep having to get new numbers.  With AT&T you have to pay $5 a month for each number you want to have blocked so I’m not really down with paying an extra $25 a month to get every number of his blocked.

So what else can I do? Suggestions?

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Well, well, well…look what the cat dragged in

Before Christmas, back when my texting relationship with High School Crush was in full force, I was getting ready for work one day and about 7:45 I heard my phone go off.  And I thought, wow HSC is at it early this morning, I like it!

Nope.  It was a text from Snoop-Linus.  I immediately texted Lucky being like OMG check it!:

“Hey.  Been trying to contact you because I’d like to see you before I move.  From the non response I’ve been receiving I figure you just don’t care to talk or see me.  Just wanted to let you know.  Hope all is well and you have a happy holidays! Miss ya Gizzy.”

Obvi I didn’t reply, because I do have some sense and respect for myself. But, just 1 day prior I was telling Lucky that he is the biggest fucking tool ever.  A while ago I deleted him from facebook and blocked him.  One day I unblocked him just because I like to live life on the edge.  Little did I know, facebook makes you leave the person unblocked for like 2 days. So within that time period he friend requested me, of course, and now even though I didn’t accept him I can still see his statuses.  

I present to you:  A Tool Box Full of Snoop Linus’ Thoughts On Job Interviews

Bay Area within reach.  Time to do work.  No second place.

Smashed round #1.  Ready to do work in round #2.  California dreaming…

10 mins.  Round #2.  No mistakes. (Gizzy note: Ummm… I’m sorry, this line is from a movie, right?)

Round #2 smashed.  Per usual.  Round #3 isn’t going to know what hit it.

Round #3 testing tomorrow.  This could be the best Christmas present ever.

It honestly took every bone in my body not to reply to him and tell him what a wad of crap I think he is.  Like how can this person take himself seriously when he talks like that?  I think back to dating him and it makes me dry heave.  What self respecting 25 year old still says “smashed” and “do work”?  Honestly.  AND if he does some how convince some idiot in California to hire him that I hope he has an awesome time getting AIDS from strippers and/or trannys that he meets whilst working at his second job selling drugs.  I WANTED to laugh in his face at how much he’s going to fail if his parents don’t help him financially.  And I can’t imagine they will, because weed is legal in California, and for their sake I hope they realize that’s the only reason he’s going.  Anywayzzz… not my problem.  Thank the lord Jesus for that!

But, I would also like to say how much the text pissed me off.  Mostly because it was him and not HSC.  But second, the part where he’s all, “From the non response I’ve been getting I figure you don’t want to talk or see me”  UM NO FUCKING SHIT! First, yes that’s generally what the silent treatment means, but if that didn’t give it away, me telling you a few months ago, “Hey I’d like to never talk to you again.  Go fuck some poison sumac.” Should’ve set off a red flag, but no, he still thinks he can be like.  Heyoo I’m moving.  And I’ll be like OMG WHAT WHERE? And then he’ll feel like he’s validated his stupid life and proven that he can do something, but he can’t, because he can’t not cheat on a girlfriend, and he can’t not lie.  Because that text was a lie in itself.  UM, sorry, no where in your line of douchebag facebook statuses did I see where you actually got the job, so you’re not moving yet, asshole.

THEN, it’s not “Hope you have A happy holidays” it would be “hope you have happy holidays” if you’d like to include A, you need to keep the holidays singular, as in HOLIDAY.  UGH!!! IDIOT!!

And LASTLY, don’t say my name, douche.  I hate your fucking guts.

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Thank the lord jesus it’s Friday.

Because, it’s official.  I need bi-focals. I hope you all join me in celebrating my 56th birthday this coming March.  I have been in the full time work force all of a week and it’s already taking a toll on me.  I have to squint to read little print, my back aches, and I started saying “hollered” as in “Yeah he was hollering about that in the design lab.”  It’s because I work with people who are all nearly twice my age. But it’s ok, I just envision that it’s making me wiser by just being in their presence while subsequently making me a better chess player as well.  I can’t believe I just said that.  Shame.

All riff raff aside, it’s time Lucky and I introduce you to a little thing we like to call “parallelity” it’s the word parallel and identity all rolled into one.  Get it? No? It’s ok, I just made it up.

Anywho, this word perfectly describes Lucky and I because we have parallel lives, which is probably why we are bff’s.  But, our friendship started out over our phone numbers being 1 number away from each other.  People would call her house for me, and people would call my house for her, we both loved Hanson and the rest is history.  Our dads got remarried to women who were exactly alike and got divorced at the same time, meeting new boyfriends and having breakups have always occurred within a week of each other, and most recently the day after Lucky had her bastard cheating ex drama I had a little drama with Snoop-Linus as well.  I know it’s weird right, if I wasn’t a walking zombie I would be able to think of more examples.

As I have recently failed to inform everyone Snoop-Linus has been texting/calling me.  Unlike Lucky I never really made the vow to not talk to him ever again, mainly because I’m weak but also because after all of the things he’s done to me and the fact that we live 3 hours away from each other I know I would never be tempted to get back together with him and would never run into him and strike up a casual conversation, which unfortunately for Lucky is a problem she could face any day.  AHH! Bastard lying cheating ex’s in the same city! BLAST!

He had been asking to take me to dinner to talk about everything that had happened in our relationship.  I had kind of agreed and he wanted it to be this weekend.  Of course I’m still a loser and look at all of the people he friends on facebook, I noticed this new girl we’ll call her Baby the other night.  Now, I still have his email password so I got into his email to see if he requested her or what the deal was, and he did, and they had also been sending messages to each other. AND she is in high school, like 15.  Remember when he tried to get with mom pants? I mean the kid has no limits.

And I have no filter.  Of course I called him out on it and he claimed that one of his friends was talking to her.  I supported my argument with the evidence that his friend wasn’t facebook friends with her and if a 15 year old HIGH SCHOOLER is talking to a guy by god she is going to make sure she is facebook friends with him.  Give me a break.  He argued with me and I basically told him to forget he knows me and to never try and contact me again.  He texted me the next day apologizing, saying that when we talked he was drunk and half asleep.  Still not buying it.  So that is that, men are scum.

Not all men though.  I mentioned before that I had been talking to my high school crush (yeah, the one I puked on) and we were planning on hanging out.  We still haven’t hung out, but the holidays are coming so we will be in the same city, so it’s about to happen.  I’m making the move this weekend.  I’m going to text him. WAHHH!!! I wished him a happy birthday the other day so I’m inching my way in.  I also hope he doesn’t read this, because god would that suck.  He’s really my only hope for any kind of male contact in the upcoming 8-10 months.   So wish me luck, eck!!

I also want to apologize for being the suckiest blogger alive this week.  I’ve been down on my commenting/had a lack luster post the other day that I didn’t finish (woops!) because I’m so tired I don’t even know my name let alone have enough energy to try and be funny.  I promise I’ll be better next week and hopefully with some interesting dramas that happened over the weekend.  Anyone with tips on how to balance work, a blog, and no social life and still have energy to wipe your butt send them my way!

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BUH-BYE Captain!

Guys I think I’m depressed.  I know I’m in a rut, but I think it’s getting worse.  Here’s how my day goes, I wake up around 10 (noon) and realize that I have a few hours before my roommates (mom & sister) get home.  So it’s like panic sets in and I think what do I need/want to do before they get home in 2 hours? Usually it’s laying in my bed doing nothing which is what I do all night too, but its like from the second I wake up the countdown starts of when they’ll be home.  I know this is all because I want to move out RULL bad so that I can come home from work and lounge around and do whatever the eff I want like I did in college.  And I don’t feel comfortable doing that at home, I feel like they’re all looking at me like GAWD look at that lazy sloth, has she even left the house in the past week? The answer is no, I have not.  Actually yes I did, to get taco bell and then it was BACK TO BED! Everybody is like oh you need to be productive BLAH BLAH BLAH.  Productive doing what? I don’t have errands to run.  Looking for jobs? I do that all goddamned day from my bed throne.  I can’t go interview until the people call me, and while they’re not calling me I’m sitting here eating laffy taffys and watching Kardashian and Jersey Shore repeats until I can recite every ooh and ahh in every episode.  Why don’t I get a gym membership and shut my lazy sloth mouth? Because gym memberships cost money and I don’t like to spend money.  Why don’t I get a part time job? I have one, it’s called slanging Captain Morgan!!  But Gizzy, that’s not a real part time job.  YES IT IS! I make $200 a week slanging Captain, which is more then I would make working at some joe schmo retail store.  Then I need to shut up and enjoy my last days of doing nothing before I get a real job and want to kill myself? Oook, I’ll try.

I finally told the Captain to fuck off and die.  Not really, but it’s coming! Yeah ok he was a hot piece of ass but he is an asshole and I’m about 90% sure he’s gay.  Two days ago he was telling me how awesome he thinks I am and how he wants to “get to know me” and not just have sex with me right? And I didn’t buy it and I also didn’t believe that him and Captain’s Crystal had really broken up.  Yesterday morning after Captain’s Crystal’s night o birthday fun I look at her facebook page and see this status:

Had a FANTASTIC BIRTHDAY!! The Captain sure knows how to spoil me! 🙂 Hot Tubs, Massages, Diamonds … what is this world coming to?!?! HAHA – off for Birthday Sushi with Dad! ♥♥

I knew that this was probably the case.  But I think I’m more surprised at the “Hot Tubs, Massages, and DIAMONDS” part, those are not signs of someone who is or has dumped their girlfriend.  AND WTF, DIAMONDS!? No man has ever gotten me diamonds, other than my father, or jewelry for that matter.  I must be horrible in bed.  Tell me, HOW DO I GET DIAMONDS!?!! So in honor of Lucky and single girls everywhere, I’m going to fuck with him 1 last time this weekend when we work together to really reel him in and show that douche WHAT THE FUCK IS UP then, I’m giving him THE FADE! BOOYAH BITCHES!

I really don’t think this jerk-off knows who he is messing with.  I single handedly turned all of Snoop-Linus’ friends against him and recruited them for Team Gizzy when he took Whore #3 on a date.  I have the power of persuasion.

So, I could tell Captain’s Crystal what he’s been up to, but I’m thinking why end the show early? You don’t go to an all you can eat buffet so you can have a salad and leave. If she’s stupid enough to have no clue what her boyfriend is up to when she’s not around he’ll strike again and the next girl probably won’t be as smart as me and get out while the gettin’ is good before it gets too messy, and I can sit back and laugh because I was the one who got away MWHAAHA.  Such a deviant awesomely awesome plan I have here. But what about girl code and she needs to know what he is doing behind her back!!? FUCK girl code, I say.  She wouldn’t leave him anyway.  What I’m thinking about is playing it cool and acting normal until the next time he invites me to do something then I’m going to storm in like a horny beast, rip his clothes off, tie him to the bed, blind fold him, take a picture for the blog and peace the fuck out and leave him there for Captain’s Crystal to find.  Naked and vulnerable.  BAHAH.  For real, I’m sick of guys thinking they can get away with this shit.  So my new official job/title shall be Miss Gisabelle P.I. saving the world one cheating asshole at a time.  Sounds pretty official.

And for old times sake since this will be my 2nd to last post about the Captain (the last one being how I reeled him in, it’s going to be so juicy I can’t wait) I have listed more contributing factors to why he is secretly gay:

-Left me a voicemail saying he was going tanning

-Gets really into cooking, got this text from him after I told him I needed some dinner: it’s all about creation and loving to do it, knowing a lot of tastes. You have to try a lot of nasty stuff in order to make something really good. Kind of like dating.

-He also likes to use analogies.

-He refers to himself as being a mix between new and old fashioned (on getting to know me before he sticks his wien in me)

-He doesn’t take advantage of drunk girls (Why the eff not?)

-He hangs out a little too often alone with his gay best friend and his gay best friend’s boyfriend.  I mean I love me some gays too, but that’s weird right?

So I went from 2 guys, back to no guys this week.  Meeting 100 guys for the 100th post is starting to look better and better.  I hope someone is coming up with a diet and work out plan for us after the 100th post because we are going to have to drink, A LOT, to pull that one off.  We’re also going to need that if we have to eat 100 chocolates.  I did the math to Lucky the other day (I don’t think she was as impressed with my skills as I was) and if we have to eat 100 godiva chocolates we’ll gain about 8 pounds each.  I’d kind of like to try it just so I can see how many chocolates it takes for my body to be on a chocolate overdose before it starts rejecting the chocolates to the point where it literally won’t let me swallow another chocolate.   Maybe we should’ve had an all of the above option on the poll? That would’ve been my vote. I think I’ll do them all anyway, what else do I have to do? It’s just subbing chocolates in for the laffy taffy.  Another day another dollar, no sweat off my back.

I’m also not opposed to giving out The Captain’s phone number for those of you who are into some late night sexting in order to sway your vote toward the option I want for the 100th post.  I mean for realzzzzz, let me know! Maybe you’ll get some pictures like….

So here we say our final goodbyes to the Captain, sianara asshole and a big SU-FI to you!

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The fall of Snoop-Linus

I’m so proud of myself for getting these posts a rollin.  It’s 12:53 and I am even more proud of the fact that I am awake.  Yesterday I had a whole blog written out of what went down between Snoop-Linus and myself because I have been missing him and thought some reminders of the monumental douche that he is would make them go away.  It didn’t, and the story was long and depressing so I’ll give you the short version in 3rd person list form because it’s fun:

-Gizzy eyes Snoop-Linus in class and raves about how hot he is

-Gizzy approaches Snoop-Linus at bar, they talk, they flirt, they hold hands, they exchange numbers, they make out, they go home together (no sexy time, I’m classy)

-They fall in love

-3 months down the road while Gizzy is sick Snoop-Linus takes another girl(who is a beast/whore #1) to a movie, stays at her house, and makes out with her.  Gizzy is on it and drives by the girls house and sees his car at 4am.

-Gizzy confronts Snoop-Linus he has no way out and ignores her for 2 days.

-Gizzy and Snoop-Linus finally talk, Snoop still has no way out and says he wants a break.  Gizzy says a break up will be fine and Snoop sucks her back in.

-All is fine in the world for the next seven months

-Gizzy and Snoop get in a fight, they make up, Gizzy goes to visit a friend, Snoop is acting weird.  Gizzy wakes up in the morning and drives back to school to try and catch him because she has a feeling something went down.

-Gizzy walks in Snoop’s door, sees a pair of heels outside of his room, walks in the room, and sees him in bed with another girl(whore #2.)  Game over.

-Gizzy is stupid and takes him back after he begs and pleads for 2 weeks to never talk to whores again.

-A month later Gizzy finds a facebook conversation between Snoop and whore #1 saying he doesn’t regret that night, when whore #1 asked if Gizzy knew about that night Snoop lies and says no.  Gizzy goes bazerk. Instead of talking/fighting about the situation Snoop breaks up with Gizzy. Again.

-Gizzy, being a fool takes him back but doesn’t tell anyone.

-A month later Gizzy goes to training for work for 3 hours and comes home to find Snoop-Linus not at home and ignoring her calls and texts.

-After some detective work Gizzy finds that Snoop has taken a new whore (whore #3) on a date to their favorite restaurant.

-When Snoop answers his phone the next day, instead of being sly Gizzy screams, “Did you cheat on me again you piece of shit!!?” Snoop lies and says no, tells Gizzy he’ll call her later and hangs up.

-Gizzy gets this text: I need to be by myself for a while and be single and figure my own shit out just want to be alone, havent had time to just think about me as selfish as it sounds.

(This text is bullshit because I am that one that kept his shit together, without me he would have been dead in a gutter on a drug overdose, and probably would be now if he hadn’t moved back in with his parents. That’s what you get for being a nice girl who doesn’t do drugs, you get dumped.  Ugh.  Fuck off.  Anger is BACK!)

-Gizzy finds out that Snoop-Linus slept with whore #3  the day after whore #3 slept with the quarterback of the football team.  Who Snoop-Linus and Gizzy both know has herpes.  And Gizzy out for good.

So that’s the low down.  I think I just miss him because I’m sitting at home on my ass with no job and no boy and he finally quit trying to get me back a few weeks ago and he has been friending a lot of girls on facebook.  Petty I know, but it bugs me.

On a brighter note, I am going up to school tomorrow to see Bri and acts gay but says he’s straight friend Adam.  Bri says she talked to HOTTIE and he wants to see me again, so apparently it’s in the works.  We’ll see.  I know I sound desperate, and I am.  Anyone want to hire me now?!

Our top search results today so far have been “piss her pants” and “sex tips for a bent penis” I don’t know about Lucky but I am proud to have created a blog that yields search results like that.

And last but not least, last night I was helping my sister brush her hair after her bath, I sprayed some detangler on her hair when she tells me, “That spray smells like weenies.”

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The drama of all dramaz! A second chance with HOTTIE.

Well Christ on a cracker, this weekend was fucking nuts.  I’ll just dive right in with no introduction because it was that crazy.  Friday night was a typs night, went out with my usual crew nothing out of the ordinary happened, I came sulking home alone and had to position my pillow to spoon me so it felt like I had a man in bed with me.  But Saturday night, is a different story.    It was my last night ever at school so I knew something tragic was going to happen.

I went over to Bri’s suspecting it would be a typical Saturday where we all got slob knob drunk and I would wait the whole night in anticipation to see if HOTTIE was going to make an appearance and then go home a disappointed Debbie.

After 2 hours of catch phrase and a bottle of vanilla admiral nelson’s rum later Bri says to me, “HOTTIE was supposed to come over here tonight.” I’m immediately ready to take her by the neck and run her into the wall and scream, “Great! What did you do you little cunty? Tell him I was going to be here then he backed out?” “His friend used to date my old roommate and didn’t want to come to this house.” Ok shew.  “But he’ll be out!” YAYYY!! My 2nd chance! Bend.  And SNAP!

Fast forward, 2:20 a.m. arrives and we are walking into our last bar and my last opportunity to see HOTTIE since he was no where to be found at the first bar, most likely lurking around dark corners to avoid me.  We were all pretty sloshed stumbling up to the doors when the gates of heaven opened up and those precious golden rays of sunshine shone down upon him.  Can’t you just hear the music? Ooooooouuuuuuuuuuuu (you know that heavenly cherub music.) HOTTIE was standing in line in front of me.  And it’s game time!

I tried to act cool like I didn’t see him as he went to one bouncer and I went to the other.  I pulled my notorious rummage through my purse until he sees you and you can act surprised move and like always it worked.  I felt him grab me and pull me over to the side where we engaged in an amorous hug for 2 minutes too long and he grabbed my face and said “I’m really sorry for not calling you, someone told me you and snoop-linus were back together but I saw him the other day and found out it wasn’t true.” Welp, that answers my first series of questions. Mmmmm he hot.

We gabbed for a few then he wanted to go take shots so we did, and then he disappeared.  Wicky what now? Come on playa.  I wasn’t about to let him walk out on my last night, I didn’t care how desperate I looked so I texted him and he told me to come over.

On my way up his elevator (no pun intended) snoop-linus started to call.  This is weird, because I haven’t talked to snoop-linus since the mom pants incident.  So I’m thinking someone must’ve seen me sucking face with HOTTIE at the bar and told him.

So I’m standing in HOTTIE’s room, my phone is blowing up and I don’t want him to start asking questions so I keep ignoring it.  Our convo continues and we start to talk about the night of the elevator incident.  HOTTIE tells me he doesn’t remember anything from that night, thank the lord there is a jesus and my prayers have been answered, hallelujah!! Buuuut, like a nerd-tard I fill him in on every juicy detail of how I bolted out, laid down in the elevator, and the mystery poop I found strewn about my apartment the next day.   He says, “Did we do anything that night? You know like do it?” Um, no 5 year old.  We did not do it. ANNNND that answers my next series of questions of why he only replied with “It’s no problem” to my text about him not thinking I’m weird because I laid down in an elevator, it was because he doesn’t remember it.  Fucking AWESOME! And it’s even more awesome to know that if and when we do it he will have no problem not calling me and acting like a complete freak when I see him sober.

Anyway, by this point my phone had gone off another half dozen times and his had rang 4 times.  He finally looked at it and said, “Do you know why Snoop-Linus has called me 4 times in a row? Does he know you’re here or something?” Uhhhh, NO!  So I look at my phone and discover that I ACCIDENTLY PICKED UP ONE OF SNOOP-LINUS’ CALLS AND HE HAD BEEN LISTENING TO OUR ENTIRE CONVERSATION! So what does HOTTIE do to avoid causing additional problems? He calls him back.

What. An. IDIOT!

“Oh yeah Gizzy came by here, yeah yeah.  Blah blah blah. “ Then Snoop says something to HOTTIE to make him hang up on him, I don’t know what it was but HOTTIE looked at me with a blank expression and his face was as white as a ghost and says, “Gizzy, I’m going to ask you to leave before I make this next call.” Ummmmmmmmmm, ok? Really? So he gets up and shoves me out the door.  So here I am standing outside his apartment with my ear pressed to the door while I’m trying to pick my jaw up off the ground.  When I couldn’t hear through the door I decided it was time to break out the bazookas and call Snoop up myself and be like what the fuck man? And he was in tears about how I could be hanging out with one of his friends after I dated him for most of my post pubescent life, which later turned into him telling me that HOTTIE spilled the beans about everything that had happened between us, the dates, the hanging out, the planning our enginerd family together, so he threatened to ruin HOTTIE’s life if he talked to me again.  Soooo that explains being dumped/kicked out/the end of my 2nd and last chance at love/having an enginerd clan with HOTTIE MCHOTTERSON.

…..And I never heard from him again. So, laterz HOTTIE.

I would now like to introduce a segment that we will call, WHAT WOULD HOTTIE DO (wwhd) if you would like to pull a douchey move and throw someone under the bus or think you’re about to get a douchey move pulled on you write to us and I’ll tell you what HOTTIE would do in that situation so you know how to properly prepare.  Some example situations:

1 -You went on a few great dates and now the guy wont call?


HOTTIE would still not call, so what you should do as the girl is call him up and tell him he’s a flaming douchebag and you have better thing to do with your time then wait around for his lame-ass call.

2 -You’re the other girl and it’s making you nervous.


HOTTIE in girl form would call up the girlfriend and tell her all the juicy details about what had happened between her and the bf and then never talk to you again.

You know stuff like that.  The point is here people, don’t be a HOTTIE.  Have some pride and be a Gizzy.

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Since I sucked at life the past few weeks and haven’t posted any of douchearoo’s douchey emails to his douchey friends, I’ve got a double trouble douche day for you my little nuggets.  First a story about the sneaky douche, snoop-linus.

After the most embarrassing night of my life Friday, I wake up Sunday morning with a text from snoop-linus and one from my friend Dina.  Mind you, we haven’t spoken in over a month and he still calls and texts every single day of my wretched life.  The content of his text isn’t important, but what Dina’s text said most certainly is, “I don’t know if you care but I don’t know what to do with this.  I just saw snoop-linus all over some old mom and then he got in a car with her.” I have his facebook, email, and cell phone account passwords from when we were together.  I had to have them to keep track of his cheating ass.  I get on facebook and see he has a new “older” friend, bingo, spank you Dina.  From scouring around her profile I can tell she is about 35, married, with three children.  I’m thinking to myself, how the fuck does he know this old gunner? I go into his sent box and see this little gem from snoop-linus to old gunner:

Heyyy, just wanted to say thanks again for the ride home.  Had to hit you up on fb since you wouldn’t give me your digits haha.  You’re an awesome person.  Here’s my number ***-***-**** text me tomorrow when you wake up in the a.m.  I have to work until about 9 but after that we should go to the fairgrounds and watch the fireworks.


P.s. I don’t care what level you’re on, I like the person that you are.

I was immediately infuriated, because I was jealous? HELL-TO-THE-FUCKING-NO, I was disgusted.  The lady has a family for christ’s sake.  So what do I do about it?  I break a month long silence to tell snoop-linus that he is a disgusting piece of shit and he has got to be bat shit crazy if he thinks some old gunner is going to risk losing her family for some 23 year old druggie, who hasn’t graduated college, and works at the chicken palace.  He took this as an opening to try and win me back which later turned into him attacking the person I am, calling me no fun and a sour puss to which I reply, “Really? Because your friend seemed to think I was fun Friday night.”  I’m sure it’s driving him crazy trying to figure out which of his friends I was talking about.  Score -> Gizzy: 1 – Snoop-Linus: 0

On to the douche that douche day was created on behalf of, Douchearoo.  The counter fellatio email: The day: Sunday January 13, 2008.  The time: 6:38 p.m.

A little background for E.  As you may or may not know I have been banging the neighbor Chi O chica.  The details are fairly unimportant but it is pertinent to for you to know that, up to this point in the story, we had fornicated more than once.

Saturday night.  Beer pong at Horse’s new place.  Chi O comes over with a friend.  Jew Fro and I handily beat them five times.

Chi O and I are on the third floor of the bar talking about nothing in particular. Finally we have perhaps the greatest conversation I have ever been a part of.

Chi: I can tell you have been checking out other girls all night.

Douchearoo: Not anymore than usual.

Chi: Look, I’m not stupid I know you are probably doing stuff with other girls and I hope you know you are not the only guy I have been with.

Douchearoo: Ok.

Chi: I have just never met anyone capable of having a strictly sexual relationship.  Just keep calling me when you are out drinking with the guys and when I feel like having sex I will answer.

Douchearoo: No arguments here.

Chi: I’m pretty sure you will be cool about this.  I’m also pretty sure I want to have sex with you tonight.

Douchearoo: Lets go.

Back at my apartment we jump into bed and I fingerblast away for about 15 minutes.  Finally she rolls off and says “I can’t do this.”  I start to think that she has come to her senses and wants a relationship which she would have been vehemently denied.  She says and I quote, “This is too much foreplay, just (curse word) me and I’ll go home.”

You don’t need to tell me twice.  After coitus, I go wash the slimy condom feeling off my (curse word.) She pulls me back into the room and says she wants to do it again.  Good for her but I don’t.  It is 3 a.m. and I inform her that if she makes me wear a condom again I will have sex until 7 a.m.

Now here is the funny part.  She says I don’t have to wear a condom.  I ask her if she is just drunk or stupid because I know she is not on birth control.  She retorts, “What is the worst that could happen?”  She is stupid.  I know she is not even on birth control.  After our five minute round table about the ‘worst that could happen’ she tells me that even if she were with child she would never keep it, not make me pay for half of the procedure, and would not even tell me if she were pregnant.  Yes, all those responses were direct results of my questions.

I finally convince her that she is stupid and I am not going skins in.  Then at 3:08 a.m. exactly she is handing out fellatio to me on our kitchen counter.

Douchearoo:  You know my roommates are going to walk in the door here any second.

She looks at me with a full mouthed blank expression.

Douchearoo:  I can handle an audience if you can.

Of course she stopped before anyone walked in (I kept trying to push her head down and she didn’t like it; prude.) She walks out and tells me that was fun and “you know where I live.”

The point here is that this could be a semester long of pure fun.  How exciting.

What. A. Douche.  Speaking of douchearoo, I went out to dinner with my friend and old roommate Mercedes last week who douchearoo hates.  She is recently single so she is on the prowl for men as well.  I drove to her hometown about an hour south of where I go to school, which is also conveniently where douchearoo now lives and works.  It’s a big city, so the chances of ever seeing him are slim to none.  We decided to go to a prominent bar area about 7pm that night so that we can sit outside and gawk at the hot guys passing by.  We decide on a bar and as we’re walking up, Mercedes notices 3 guys sitting at a table outside and says to me, “Hey, there’s a table of 3 guys!! We can sit by them and talk to them, it’s perfect!”  As we approach the patio area we notice that the 3 guys are douchearoo, his douchey farmer friend, and his douchey midget roommate.  We immediately turn around and go back from the way we came.  Douchearoo definitely saw us, he turned bright red and put his face in his hands.  Don’t worry douchearoo, I don’t want to talk to your douchey ass either.  Faggot.

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I’ll have a VENTi!

I need to bitch about something that has really been chapping my ass for the past 6 months.  I just saw a facebook post on one of my friend’s walls and to keep the molting hot hell lava from spewing out my eyes and mouth I had to come here to do my venting (VENTi.. get it? Starbucks. :))

So here’s the story: my ex-ex-boyfriend not snoop-linus but the one before him, douchearoo (there is no better word in the world to describe him) and I broke up about 3 years ago – yes 3 YEARS! He broke up with me mainly because I’m your standard untrusting crazy girlfriend.  So we broke up summer of 2007 and were off and on for the next year until I started dating this guy who was bi-polar and then snoop-linus.

Well douchearoo did everything douchey you could possibly imagine, after we broke up he would follow me home from the bars to make sure I wasn’t shacking with anyone else and sent me texts with facts about things he knew I loved like taco bell and punky brewster (he turned the crazy on!) But while we were dating he would do douchey things like save texts that his drunk engaged ex-girlfriend would send him saying, “You are wonderful,” and him and his friends would go play cards with her and her friends every Thursday and I was never allowed to come.  He got us kicked out of a wedding reception, I was in the wedding as a brides maid.  He was arrogant and just all around an ugly dick.  I thank my lucky stars that I’m not with him anymore, I’ve noticed in his pictures that his hairline is starting to recede and his double-chin is bordering triple.  Plus he has been out of school for 2 years and I still don’t think he has a steady job.  Oh and the best thing when we were on and off and he was hooking up with other girls he would mass email his friends with stories about his escapades, a tucker max wanna-bee if you will.  Don’t worry I have them all printed out and any time I write about douchearoo I will post the next story… here’s #1, enjoy:

Friday November 9, 2007 3:19 a.m.

To whom it may concern, yes I am drunk off my ass,

You both have heard from me within the last few hours but I wanted to send this before I forgot the funny details about when I let my brain make decisions instead of my cock.

Typical bar night. (side note: jew fro compared (Jessica?) to a Jill 2.0, Yes fatty’s Jill) It must have been sorority happy hour night at the bar.  Blondes everywhere.  We both strike out.  By the time I left the bar jew fro and I were both hammered. Jew fro even OFFERED to take my cup home.  Yeah.

At the next bar I sat at the bar with Ogre and Horse until (Jessica?) came up behind us.  At this point I am so focused on another girl that I barely notice her.  Fast forward.  Everyone is gone and I am headed home with Ogre giving him my taco bell order. I call another girl in a desperate attempt to get laid.  No dice.  Ogre meets me at home and I get this text verbatim from (Jessica?), “Do you want to do it or what?” I go into Jew fro’s bedroom and he tells me to go for it.  What a great friend.  Why not right, I am drunk as Bdub when he pees the bed.  (Jessica?) convinces me to meet her at Ashley’s.  I stop at the Ashley’s door to hear this little gem.

Jessica – Where is he.  He must be retarded.  Am I going to have sex or not? Jenny – It’s not worth your time. (Author’s note: HAHAHA.  I am ashamed)

I listen for 20 minutes about nothing important until I finally walk in.  (Jessica?) immediately grabs her jacket and follows me toward the door.  On the way out Ashley gives me a facial expression that can only sarcastically mean “fuck you” and head out.  Mind you, I have been sobering up for a solid hour and she looks just as bad as ever.  We get back to my place and I grab a P-funk and dart out the door to smoke.  Naturally, she follows me outside and says I am an asshole but continues to lean on me.  An agonizing 5 minutes later, after I throw my cig on the sidewalk, she says “So what now?”

“Now I go to bed and you go back to Ashley’s”

I tell her “because I don’t fuck anyone that calls me an asshole.” – I win.

I had to walk her back where she slammed the door in my face.

Lesson I learned: Girls and their attractiveness are completely relative.  If this would have been in any other town I would have fucked her.  For instance, if a girl of her attractiveness level wants to fuck me tomorrow, I will slam into her hard.  Thanks for listening, I appreciate feedback.

Love you both,


Yep, that’s the guy I got to call my boyfriend for 7 whole months and there are plenty more emails where that came from.  I realized the other day when I was looking through my old planner that I had made plans to have lunch with douchearoo the day after I met snoop-linus, which thankfully I cancelled.  When I met snoop-linus I cut off all contact with douchearoo because I was in love with snoop-linus before I ever even met him and when things got hot and heavy there was no way I was letting douchearoo get his douchey little hands in the mix and fuck it up for me.

He would still send me all his garbage texts when he would see me out with snoop-linus and de-friended me on facebook because it crushed his stone-cold heart to see snoop linus and I so happy together.  A few days after his birthday I sent him a text saying happy belated and he replied with a shit-ton of texts about how good we were together and all of this riff-raff I wrote back that he was high because we weren’t good together and went on some trip about how he wanted to be friends again.  The next day he re-requested me as a friend so as I was laughing at the desperate jackass I accepted, he still texted and I didn’t reply.

2 months later he said something sexual about me to snoop-linus in a bar when I wasn’t there.  Apparently it was a good show, snoop-linus was blacked out and doesn’t remember it but douchearoo’s friends told me snoop had him cornered and was threatening to pummel his chins in if he ever mentioned my name again.   Of course douchearoo had to get the last word in and texted me the next day about how I should tell my boyfriend to “chill the fuck out” and to stop threatening to beat people up and topped it all off by de-friending me on facebook for a 2nd time.  I didn’t reply and haven’t gotten a text from douchearoo since then.  I’ve seen him out once since then and I went carrie on his ass because his friend approached me and hugged me so he walks up asking what the fuck is she doing here and I replied with some drunken crazy mumbo jumbo about how he needs to get the fuck over it because he has 35 chins and I still look good but that I never did anything wrong, he was the douchebag but somehow he hates me? and then I flipped him the bird and said peace out motha fucka!

So, that brings us to today.  One of his best friend’s birthdays was a few months ago and to my knowledge all of his friends still love me.  They all still talk to me all the time and the friend who was having the birthday asked me to be his date to a wedding a few weeks before, so I wrote on the friends wall happy birthday and to call me.  Douchearoo had already wished the friend a happy birthday a few posts below mine and then today I saw he commented right after mine saying this, “I like how you say you hate certain people but they still blow up your wall” and then he clicked that he liked his own post.  See? Douche-a-roo!  Obviously that was aimed toward me or he would’ve put it in his original birthday post.  3 years people, 3 years we have been broken up he lives an hour away and he is still trying to nickel and dime some kind of reaction out of me.  Well, here’s to you douchearoo…. eff off!

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