Tag Archives: snoop-linus

DOUBLE DOUCHE DAY!!!!!!

Since I sucked at life the past few weeks and haven’t posted any of douchearoo’s douchey emails to his douchey friends, I’ve got a double trouble douche day for you my little nuggets.  First a story about the sneaky douche, snoop-linus.

After the most embarrassing night of my life Friday, I wake up Sunday morning with a text from snoop-linus and one from my friend Dina.  Mind you, we haven’t spoken in over a month and he still calls and texts every single day of my wretched life.  The content of his text isn’t important, but what Dina’s text said most certainly is, “I don’t know if you care but I don’t know what to do with this.  I just saw snoop-linus all over some old mom and then he got in a car with her.” I have his facebook, email, and cell phone account passwords from when we were together.  I had to have them to keep track of his cheating ass.  I get on facebook and see he has a new “older” friend, bingo, spank you Dina.  From scouring around her profile I can tell she is about 35, married, with three children.  I’m thinking to myself, how the fuck does he know this old gunner? I go into his sent box and see this little gem from snoop-linus to old gunner:

Heyyy, just wanted to say thanks again for the ride home.  Had to hit you up on fb since you wouldn’t give me your digits haha.  You’re an awesome person.  Here’s my number ***-***-**** text me tomorrow when you wake up in the a.m.  I have to work until about 9 but after that we should go to the fairgrounds and watch the fireworks.

-Snoop-Linus

P.s. I don’t care what level you’re on, I like the person that you are.

I was immediately infuriated, because I was jealous? HELL-TO-THE-FUCKING-NO, I was disgusted.  The lady has a family for christ’s sake.  So what do I do about it?  I break a month long silence to tell snoop-linus that he is a disgusting piece of shit and he has got to be bat shit crazy if he thinks some old gunner is going to risk losing her family for some 23 year old druggie, who hasn’t graduated college, and works at the chicken palace.  He took this as an opening to try and win me back which later turned into him attacking the person I am, calling me no fun and a sour puss to which I reply, “Really? Because your friend seemed to think I was fun Friday night.”  I’m sure it’s driving him crazy trying to figure out which of his friends I was talking about.  Score -> Gizzy: 1 – Snoop-Linus: 0

On to the douche that douche day was created on behalf of, Douchearoo.  The counter fellatio email: The day: Sunday January 13, 2008.  The time: 6:38 p.m.

A little background for E.  As you may or may not know I have been banging the neighbor Chi O chica.  The details are fairly unimportant but it is pertinent to for you to know that, up to this point in the story, we had fornicated more than once.

Saturday night.  Beer pong at Horse’s new place.  Chi O comes over with a friend.  Jew Fro and I handily beat them five times.

Chi O and I are on the third floor of the bar talking about nothing in particular. Finally we have perhaps the greatest conversation I have ever been a part of.

Chi: I can tell you have been checking out other girls all night.

Douchearoo: Not anymore than usual.

Chi: Look, I’m not stupid I know you are probably doing stuff with other girls and I hope you know you are not the only guy I have been with.

Douchearoo: Ok.

Chi: I have just never met anyone capable of having a strictly sexual relationship.  Just keep calling me when you are out drinking with the guys and when I feel like having sex I will answer.

Douchearoo: No arguments here.

Chi: I’m pretty sure you will be cool about this.  I’m also pretty sure I want to have sex with you tonight.

Douchearoo: Lets go.

Back at my apartment we jump into bed and I fingerblast away for about 15 minutes.  Finally she rolls off and says “I can’t do this.”  I start to think that she has come to her senses and wants a relationship which she would have been vehemently denied.  She says and I quote, “This is too much foreplay, just (curse word) me and I’ll go home.”

You don’t need to tell me twice.  After coitus, I go wash the slimy condom feeling off my (curse word.) She pulls me back into the room and says she wants to do it again.  Good for her but I don’t.  It is 3 a.m. and I inform her that if she makes me wear a condom again I will have sex until 7 a.m.

Now here is the funny part.  She says I don’t have to wear a condom.  I ask her if she is just drunk or stupid because I know she is not on birth control.  She retorts, “What is the worst that could happen?”  She is stupid.  I know she is not even on birth control.  After our five minute round table about the ‘worst that could happen’ she tells me that even if she were with child she would never keep it, not make me pay for half of the procedure, and would not even tell me if she were pregnant.  Yes, all those responses were direct results of my questions.

I finally convince her that she is stupid and I am not going skins in.  Then at 3:08 a.m. exactly she is handing out fellatio to me on our kitchen counter.

Douchearoo:  You know my roommates are going to walk in the door here any second.

She looks at me with a full mouthed blank expression.

Douchearoo:  I can handle an audience if you can.

Of course she stopped before anyone walked in (I kept trying to push her head down and she didn’t like it; prude.) She walks out and tells me that was fun and “you know where I live.”

The point here is that this could be a semester long of pure fun.  How exciting.

What. A. Douche.  Speaking of douchearoo, I went out to dinner with my friend and old roommate Mercedes last week who douchearoo hates.  She is recently single so she is on the prowl for men as well.  I drove to her hometown about an hour south of where I go to school, which is also conveniently where douchearoo now lives and works.  It’s a big city, so the chances of ever seeing him are slim to none.  We decided to go to a prominent bar area about 7pm that night so that we can sit outside and gawk at the hot guys passing by.  We decide on a bar and as we’re walking up, Mercedes notices 3 guys sitting at a table outside and says to me, “Hey, there’s a table of 3 guys!! We can sit by them and talk to them, it’s perfect!”  As we approach the patio area we notice that the 3 guys are douchearoo, his douchey farmer friend, and his douchey midget roommate.  We immediately turn around and go back from the way we came.  Douchearoo definitely saw us, he turned bright red and put his face in his hands.  Don’t worry douchearoo, I don’t want to talk to your douchey ass either.  Faggot.

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I’ll have a VENTi!

I need to bitch about something that has really been chapping my ass for the past 6 months.  I just saw a facebook post on one of my friend’s walls and to keep the molting hot hell lava from spewing out my eyes and mouth I had to come here to do my venting (VENTi.. get it? Starbucks. :))

So here’s the story: my ex-ex-boyfriend not snoop-linus but the one before him, douchearoo (there is no better word in the world to describe him) and I broke up about 3 years ago – yes 3 YEARS! He broke up with me mainly because I’m your standard untrusting crazy girlfriend.  So we broke up summer of 2007 and were off and on for the next year until I started dating this guy who was bi-polar and then snoop-linus.

Well douchearoo did everything douchey you could possibly imagine, after we broke up he would follow me home from the bars to make sure I wasn’t shacking with anyone else and sent me texts with facts about things he knew I loved like taco bell and punky brewster (he turned the crazy on!) But while we were dating he would do douchey things like save texts that his drunk engaged ex-girlfriend would send him saying, “You are wonderful,” and him and his friends would go play cards with her and her friends every Thursday and I was never allowed to come.  He got us kicked out of a wedding reception, I was in the wedding as a brides maid.  He was arrogant and just all around an ugly dick.  I thank my lucky stars that I’m not with him anymore, I’ve noticed in his pictures that his hairline is starting to recede and his double-chin is bordering triple.  Plus he has been out of school for 2 years and I still don’t think he has a steady job.  Oh and the best thing when we were on and off and he was hooking up with other girls he would mass email his friends with stories about his escapades, a tucker max wanna-bee if you will.  Don’t worry I have them all printed out and any time I write about douchearoo I will post the next story… here’s #1, enjoy:

Friday November 9, 2007 3:19 a.m.

To whom it may concern, yes I am drunk off my ass,

You both have heard from me within the last few hours but I wanted to send this before I forgot the funny details about when I let my brain make decisions instead of my cock.

Typical bar night. (side note: jew fro compared (Jessica?) to a Jill 2.0, Yes fatty’s Jill) It must have been sorority happy hour night at the bar.  Blondes everywhere.  We both strike out.  By the time I left the bar jew fro and I were both hammered. Jew fro even OFFERED to take my cup home.  Yeah.

At the next bar I sat at the bar with Ogre and Horse until (Jessica?) came up behind us.  At this point I am so focused on another girl that I barely notice her.  Fast forward.  Everyone is gone and I am headed home with Ogre giving him my taco bell order. I call another girl in a desperate attempt to get laid.  No dice.  Ogre meets me at home and I get this text verbatim from (Jessica?), “Do you want to do it or what?” I go into Jew fro’s bedroom and he tells me to go for it.  What a great friend.  Why not right, I am drunk as Bdub when he pees the bed.  (Jessica?) convinces me to meet her at Ashley’s.  I stop at the Ashley’s door to hear this little gem.

Jessica – Where is he.  He must be retarded.  Am I going to have sex or not? Jenny – It’s not worth your time. (Author’s note: HAHAHA.  I am ashamed)

I listen for 20 minutes about nothing important until I finally walk in.  (Jessica?) immediately grabs her jacket and follows me toward the door.  On the way out Ashley gives me a facial expression that can only sarcastically mean “fuck you” and head out.  Mind you, I have been sobering up for a solid hour and she looks just as bad as ever.  We get back to my place and I grab a P-funk and dart out the door to smoke.  Naturally, she follows me outside and says I am an asshole but continues to lean on me.  An agonizing 5 minutes later, after I throw my cig on the sidewalk, she says “So what now?”

“Now I go to bed and you go back to Ashley’s”

I tell her “because I don’t fuck anyone that calls me an asshole.” – I win.

I had to walk her back where she slammed the door in my face.

Lesson I learned: Girls and their attractiveness are completely relative.  If this would have been in any other town I would have fucked her.  For instance, if a girl of her attractiveness level wants to fuck me tomorrow, I will slam into her hard.  Thanks for listening, I appreciate feedback.

Love you both,

Douchearoo

Yep, that’s the guy I got to call my boyfriend for 7 whole months and there are plenty more emails where that came from.  I realized the other day when I was looking through my old planner that I had made plans to have lunch with douchearoo the day after I met snoop-linus, which thankfully I cancelled.  When I met snoop-linus I cut off all contact with douchearoo because I was in love with snoop-linus before I ever even met him and when things got hot and heavy there was no way I was letting douchearoo get his douchey little hands in the mix and fuck it up for me.

He would still send me all his garbage texts when he would see me out with snoop-linus and de-friended me on facebook because it crushed his stone-cold heart to see snoop linus and I so happy together.  A few days after his birthday I sent him a text saying happy belated and he replied with a shit-ton of texts about how good we were together and all of this riff-raff I wrote back that he was high because we weren’t good together and went on some trip about how he wanted to be friends again.  The next day he re-requested me as a friend so as I was laughing at the desperate jackass I accepted, he still texted and I didn’t reply.

2 months later he said something sexual about me to snoop-linus in a bar when I wasn’t there.  Apparently it was a good show, snoop-linus was blacked out and doesn’t remember it but douchearoo’s friends told me snoop had him cornered and was threatening to pummel his chins in if he ever mentioned my name again.   Of course douchearoo had to get the last word in and texted me the next day about how I should tell my boyfriend to “chill the fuck out” and to stop threatening to beat people up and topped it all off by de-friending me on facebook for a 2nd time.  I didn’t reply and haven’t gotten a text from douchearoo since then.  I’ve seen him out once since then and I went carrie on his ass because his friend approached me and hugged me so he walks up asking what the fuck is she doing here and I replied with some drunken crazy mumbo jumbo about how he needs to get the fuck over it because he has 35 chins and I still look good but that I never did anything wrong, he was the douchebag but somehow he hates me? and then I flipped him the bird and said peace out motha fucka!

So, that brings us to today.  One of his best friend’s birthdays was a few months ago and to my knowledge all of his friends still love me.  They all still talk to me all the time and the friend who was having the birthday asked me to be his date to a wedding a few weeks before, so I wrote on the friends wall happy birthday and to call me.  Douchearoo had already wished the friend a happy birthday a few posts below mine and then today I saw he commented right after mine saying this, “I like how you say you hate certain people but they still blow up your wall” and then he clicked that he liked his own post.  See? Douche-a-roo!  Obviously that was aimed toward me or he would’ve put it in his original birthday post.  3 years people, 3 years we have been broken up he lives an hour away and he is still trying to nickel and dime some kind of reaction out of me.  Well, here’s to you douchearoo…. eff off!

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