In order from most recent to oldest, no other introduction necessary:
In order from most recent to oldest, no other introduction necessary:
As you may or may not recall, a few weeks ago I was getting the crowd amped up for me to make a move on High School Crush. I had it all planned out, I was going to text him to see what he was doing over the weekend and we were going to get some plans in action. Because I wear the pants!
When I saw his college had a basketball game on that night I knew how I could start up the conversation, but it would only work if they lost. And they did, it was a sign from God! My plan was to text him that Friday and give him a hard time about his team losing. It would be a PERFECT way to start up the conversation again since we hadn’t talked in a week.
That Friday morning I rolled into work a few minutes past 9, got myself set up for the morning and pulled out my phone to see that I had a text from HSC. I was pretty effing happy that I didn’t have to feel like a creep for texting him first. Maybe I was a little too excited, because I replied right back, within 15 minutes of his text. (Now Anth has told me that I made a mistake and should’ve waited at least 2 hours before I replied.) So I waited…
And I never got a reply back from him. My text wasn’t scandy in the least. But, I was cutting right to the chase by asking about his weekend work schedule. I didn’t know how long our texting convo would go on, so I couldn’t waste any time. Little did I know, I wouldn’t even get to ask what his plans were because he made it a sure fire point to cut that convo after the first effing text exchange.
After I didn’t get a reply all weekend I decided that after his team lost again over the weekend I would text him Monday evening and follow through with my original plan, to give him a hard time about his team. I need to point out that our college’s are big rivals and a few weeks prior he sent me the same type of message because my team didn’t even show up for the game. So we had pretty much the exact same conversation this time with opposite roles. I was on the phone with Lucky during the texting convo, when I got a brilliant idea to reply back to him saying, “Well you know, someone told me once that it’s hard to win on the road so blame that.” Which is what he had told me about my team when I told him not to rub it in that we suck. It was flirty, yet breezy, almost the perfect reply. Then Lucky says, “ADD A SMILEY WINK! That means you want to have sex.” And done.
That was nearly 2 weeks ago and I am happy to report we are still texting our little hearts out. We’re just going to ignore that whole post I wrote about being done and letting him initiate everything. As sad as it may be, it’s High School Crush, and as long as there is not a ring on his finger or mine, I’ll never be done.
Now that everyone is up to speed, I can say that we have tentative plans to hang out this coming Saturday. I’m not going to get my hopes up because there is a lot that could happen that could easily lead to us not hanging out. And that’s all I’m going to say because I am way scared of jinxing it.
To take the pressure off and to unjinx anything that will happen this week that will lead to Saturday not happening, I accepted an invitation to go on a date this Wednesday night with a guy I went to college with. It’s just dinner and drinks, but I have Lucky to thank for the pressure relief. She’s the one that encouraged me to go on the date to ease the tension with the HSC situation and I think it will do just that!
Did everyone have a fantabulous Turkey Day?! Mine was awesome! Mostly because I had 5 days off work, which by the way, all apologies for being a slackass on the blogging last week.
Anyway, on to the good stuff… does anyone remember my top 5 worst dates? Remember #1 aka the worst date I’ve ever been on? The one where Stepdad’s sister and her husband took it upon themselves to set me up with a guy from their church? Well, they’re at it again.
I hate going to Stepdad’s family events to begin with, it’s uncomfortable and I’m the only non-blood relative. Don’t get me wrong, they’re all extremely nice welcoming people, but they’re not the family I grew up with, so I don’t know if I’ll ever be 100% myself around them. But, I hate going to his family events even more because at every gathering his sister is sitting next to me trying to think of all of the eligible bachelors she knows that she could set me up with, insert alcohol and lots of it.
Normally, her efforts fizzle out because her husband finds something wrong with the guy and stops it before it can ever start. Usually, she’ll name someone off, look at her husband for approval, and he’ll go, “No no… he’s got AIDS.” “No, no… he has a kid.” “No, no… he does drugs (just my type)” etc, etc… and after they’ve successfully embarrassed me in front of the whole family (that isn’t mine) I never have to hear another word about it and I can stuff my face in peace.
This Thanksgiving started off seemingly normal. We all sit down to dinner and as I’m shoveling turkey into my mouth with no intention of ever looking up I hear her start in, “What about Jared for Gizzy?” I look up out of the corner of my eye through my turkey haze waiting for the disapproval from her husband when he said the words I never wanted to hear, “Yeah! Now there’s an idea!! That would be… yeah! Good thinking!!” FUCK.
So my #1 pet peeve is when everyone in a room is looking at me. I get all hot and start to blush and it’s just not good. Then it makes it even worse because someone always calls me out on blushing. In this case it was Stepdad going, “Oooo look at Gizzy, you’re embarrassing her!”
So Stepaunt is like telling me all about this guy, how he’s sooooo attractive, he’s 30 (run!), has a good job, he’s their nephew, lives in the south (mind you, I do not live in the south), he just bought a house, he likes to go fishing, he’s so nice that he flew his brother to the south just to go fishing with him, and when he came to visit them he folded up his blankets, and even made a bed he didn’t sleep in. Wait a tick, did I hear your nephew in there? I know it’s not incest, but I am only 26, should I be so desperate that I’ll start dating within the family? Now, I appreciate a guy with good manners, who is nice to others, and who has a job, but I just figure they don’t really know my taste in guys seeing as they’re 0 in 1 with the setups thus far. And he lives like 1000 miles away, and he’s your nephew, so like WTF.
Then, while we’re sitting there at the Thanksgiving dinner table she gets out her iphone and starts plugging away trying to find a picture of him. I thought I was in the clear and it was over with when she couldn’t figure out how to search for someone on facebook. Then, one of my bratass stepcousins had to go and show her how to find him. So they pull up a picture, the guy wasn’t unattractive; he just wasn’t the type I’m typically attracted to. In all honesty, Lucky might like him; his looks are a cross between bastard cheating ex and her ex that lives in Japan, a frat boy/outdoorsman if you will. Now me? I’m on the opposite end; I typically go for the little scrawny guys that you wonder if they might actually be gay. For some reason, I have it in my head that guys that look like that will be nice, they never are, and they’re usually the biggest assholes ever.
Anyway, what was I supposed to say? Sorry he’s not my type? Typically I go for a cross between douchebag and gay? I said, “Ohhh yeah he’s cute!” Then it was time to pass the phone around the table for everyone to see. Stepdad made a comment that he looked like one of my other cousins, which is disgusting. And my mom was all, “Ohhh yeah, he’s reaaaallly cute! Maybe he’ll fly you down to see him. And you can be like, let’s go see my aunt in Florida, but she can’t meet him before I do so I’d have to fly down and meet him too.” THANK GOD, someone chimed in and was like, “Now let’s not marry her off just yet.” But Stepuncle all night was saying he was going to make it happen, he was going to give this guy a call and tell him to send me a message on facebook.
AS SOON AS we got home my mom was like, “Well Stepuncle and Stepaunt’s nephew sounds really nice and like he has a good job, I hope he messages you!” This also seemed like the perfect time to shatter my mom’s dreams of me being a normal suburban girl with a husband, a family, a dog, and a minivan, “Yeah, so I think I’m going to move to Los Angeles.”
That was pretty much the end of that, I got to work Monday and had a facebook message from the guy, “Do you happen to know Stepuncle and Stepaunt? They said I should message you.”
Before I go into details on my raz-ma-taz weekend away, I need to tell you all a story of something that happened to me on Friday…
I was sitting in my cube at work minding my own business when the crazy old Asian man came up and striked up a conversation with me, he asked how I am and if I had a lot of work, which the answer is always yes. He said he does too but he wanted to socialize instead of work. Well, don’t we all.
Then he asked if I had any big plans for the weekend, I didn’t want to go into detail about my trip and carry the convo on even longer, so I just said no that I’d probably just be hanging out at home. Then he asked what I did the night before and makes the assumption that I had a pajama party with my roommates (I have yet to tell him that I live with 2 frat guys) I laughed and said no I just watched tv like I do every night. He said, “Ohh every night? Until your boyfriend calls up and says lets go do something, right?” I replied, “No no, that doesn’t happen, I don’t have a boyfriend.” He gasped, “YOU DON’T HAVE A BOYFRIEND?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I rolled my eyes, “Nope.” And he said, “No boyfriend, well what are you doing with your life?”
Like, really? Just because I am still single my whole life is a waste? I wasn’t aware that a single girl in her twenties was such a disgrace to mankind.
THEN he said, “Is it because of your religion or something?” Like yes, a suburban white girl from America is a part of a religion that doesn’t allow her to date until her parents will her away to a spouse of their choosing. Come. On.
After he offended me and basically told me to go kill myself because I have no reason for being in existence unless I’m in a relationship, he spilled coffee all over my papers. Just seriously, get the fuck out of my cube. Christ.
Anyway, the weekend away for the football game was a freaking BLAST. I really needed it, and although I was hesitant to go I’m so happy that I did. I haven’t laughed that hard in YEARS. My stomach muscles are sore just from laughing. Anyway, here’s what went down…
We had all planned to meet at Anth’s office in the suburbs around 5:45-6 o’clock to head out. I work the furthest away from Anth’s office and needed to leave by 4 to get there by 6. Well, because of a meeting I took with a hot doctor (a story for another day) I didn’t get to leave work until 4:45… awesome. My plan was to drop my car off at my apartment and take the subway to his office – by the time I got home it was already 5:45, then I spent another half hour looking for a cab to take my to the subway. No dice.
At 6:15 I texted Anth to just leave without me because I didn’t want to make everyone wait. He was all, we’re not leaving without you, just get here. So at 7:15 I pull up, we got some dinner and off we went for a 2 hour drive.
We got to our hotel about 10:15. And let me tell you, this place was a GEM. One of the girls found blood on her sheets and the beds were all like mini-sized. Which I wasn’t expecting. Typically all hotel beds look pretty much the same no matter what hotel you’re staying at. But these beds were clearly made for midgets and they got a deal on them. The crappy hotel definitely added to the experience though since we were all drunk and afraid to go to sleep.
We ended up going out to an “undergrad bar” and found no attractive people (that means no 21 year old college boys for me to make out with). Although, Anth did get his butt grabbed twice by passer bys.
We all got the perfect amount of drunk and closed down the bar. As I’ve mentioned before, I live in one of the larger US cities where it’s not necessary to call for a cab. You just wave your hand and 50 of them appear (except on Friday night). None of us really took that into account so we were waiting for a good 45 minutes after the bars closed for a cab to come get us.
While we’re waiting we see a rickshaw pass by with a couple in it. You don’t see a lot of those in the big city (they should probably have them though) and we were all pointing and giggling like, OMG lets find a rickshaw to take back to our hotel.
Apparently the angry black girl riding on the rickshaw thought we were making fun of her for riding in it and started yelling and hanging out of it being all, “BITCH! It’s cheap. This is what you gotta do in this economy.” And we were just like whatevs and carried on with our conversation.
The next thing I know the rickshaw driver pulled over and they sat there for a minute. Then the angry girl got out and walked over and got up in our faces.
I’m still not entriely sure what she was saying, I just know spit was flying and fingers were being pointed and she kept calling the guys bitches and then she told us all that we were the 1%. Which pissed us all off. That whole we are the 99% occupy wallstreet thing irritates the piss out of me to begin with because it’s another thing that people are wasting their time on that nothing will ever come from. Anyway, we all just told her to get back on rickshaw and leave us alone and that she was cray cray…
THEN, the coppers showed up… *boop*boop* they jumped out of the car and said, “We’re going to need you all to come with us…”
…To be continued…
Monday night Lucky and I were BBMing whilst watching Most Eligible Dallas, a guilty pleasure for us both. We were freaking out over Courtney and Matt’s so hot hot tub kiss and moments later getting pissed at Courtney ruining it by opening up her big ugly mouth. Which got us on the topic of hot kisses and hot guys which ultimately lead to us talking about my one true love, Neal Bledsoe, and how my facebook friend request is still pending nearly 1 year (10 months, to the day) later.
Lucky tried making me feel better by insisting he was in a part of the world where he didn’t have internet access or that he’s been busy working. But we all know that’ s a lie, his profile picture is different.
Part of my New Year’s resolution is going to be to let the past be the past and not hold grudges, to some extent, Douchearoo and Snoop-Linus? Grudge. The girl in my sorority who told on me for having hot Australians back to the sorority house one night, which ultimately got me “sober ride” duty for 3 weekends? Forgiven.
So I figured why not try this new and improved Gizzy out with Neal? It can only help. So, Neal Bledsoe… I know you google yourself and you will read this, this is Gizzy speaking, I forgive you for not accepting my friend request, even though it’s probably the biggest mistake you’ve ever made… cauuuse I think you’d like my goods. Just saying. Your loss, you’ll regret this, but I forgive you.
Don’t worry though, I’m not going to cancel my friend request just in case one day he decides to accept me, and propose to me, and have some sex with me, or eat some chicken, whatever, I’ll be there.
Wow, I sound like a stalker.
Wouldn’t it be funny if I actually did meet Neal Bledsoe one day and we like, fell in love and I was like omg guess what I used to hate on you so bad on my blog and always talked about how you were such a jerk for not accepting my facebook friend request yet so so hot at the same time? And he’d be like, YES Gizzy… that is soooo funny, aren’t you glad you were wrong and I’m like the nicest guy ever? And I’d be like yeah and then we’d make out.
So if you ever come here and one day Cocktails At Tiffany’s is just gone out of thin air, it’s because I met Neal Bledsoe and he CAN NEVER KNOW ABOUT THIS. And you and I, we can’t be blog friends anymore.
So my boss is on vacation for the next week and I am soOoOoOoOoO excited! I was telling Lucky that I feel like a teenager whose parents finally decided it was ok to leave me at home alone for the weekend. Like I was acting like a child. I ate so much candy that I gave myself a stomach ache, talked to my friends all day, and googled things I shouldn’t have been while at work, I even left early yesterday and gave the office a big su-fi as I walked on the elevator. I mean my boss like NEVER takes vacation and it’s the most annoying thing ever. Like I always feel like when she is there I have to be working hard in case she walks around the corner, I don’t want her seeing me on facebook, playing games, or looking up flights to go visit Lucky. Not only is she giving herself a vacation for the next week, she’s giving me a vacation too! WAHOO!!!!
Back track! I just spent more time then I care to admit googling Neal Bledsoe to find out if he is single and if I should seriously be on the prowl, and he’s not. He has a girlfriend… for like years. And she’s like 9 feet tall, blonde, and gorgeous. CHRIST! Just when you think things are starting to turn around. I’m done. I’m just done. I’m going to stop wasting my time on all these hot men and just start reading the encyclopedia. Reading the encyclopedia = FAIL.
Happy Jerseday Everyone!! Let’s start off this fist pumping with a DOUCHE DAY story!
A few weeks ago my friend Dina came up to visit, I haven’t seen her in a year so a reunion was so very necessary. She came to my apartment one night; we started off with cocktails at my apartment and stories of how we hate men. We ended the night at an afterhour’s club with my old sorority friend Vickie and that’s all I remember.
I woke up the next morning to Anth pounding on my bedroom door saying Dina was texting him because she needed to get her stuff. It was literally one of those out of body experiences where I was like, “Really? What happened last night? Am I alive right now?” I was still in my clothes from the night before, my tv was blaring, the lights were all on, there were ralphing remnants crusted to my face, oh and I was still super wasted.
Dina showed up an hour later, not pissed off that I had obviously left her at the club to fend for her own. Apparently we were with a guy she had been dating so she stayed at his house. Shew! And I was dancing with his ugly sidekick. Yuck. We tried to recrap the rest of the night but failed and failed again.
After a while of diligently searching I found my phone and started to look through the texts and calls to see if I could figure out what had happened. That’s when I saw it. A text from: DOUCHEAROO.
The Time: 3:49AM
The Message From DOUCHEAROO: Was I ever mean to you when we dated? As in really mean like made you feel awful about yourself?
The Time: 4:02AM
My Reply: REALLY?!!
—14 hours lapsed time of me coming out of my drunken stupor, being hungover, and wanting to die—
9:59 PM – DOUCHEAROO: Yes, really.
Me: You told me I was crazy, a bitch, and dumb while you saved messages from your ex telling you that “you’re wonderful” and you acted like I was disposable, so yeah I’d say I felt prettttty bad about myself when I dated you.
DOUCHEAROO: I’m sorry about that.
Me: Uh, thanks.
DOUCHEAROO: I guess I have been through some shit lately. So I just wanted to know. Made me appreciate your level of sanity.
Me: Oh yeah, dealing with some crazy?
DOUCHEAROO: You have no idea. (Editor’s note: HAHA, he deserves it. Dick.)
Me: Good luck with that.
DOUCHEAROO: Noted. Can I tell you one thing?
DOUCHEAROO: I’m sorry I took you for granted. I was stupid and didn’t care. Just know that any guy is lucky to have you. Anyone who disagrees is a moron.
Me: Um, thanks?
DOUCHEAROO: Welcome, we did have some good times I thought.
DOUCHEAROO: I guess my point is that I’m sorry when I hurt you. You deserved better.
Me: Yep, 4 years too late with that apology.
DOUCHEAROO: Just wanted you to know. Your name is still Gizzysaurus in my phone by the way.
DOUCHEAROO: I miss you. That’s all I will say.
Annnnnd that’s where I quit replying. Like you have got to be freaking kidding me!!
TO: Snoop Linus
I HAAAAAATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU.
Right, a little immature and unnecessary but I don’t regret it and I was out of my element so whatever.
Reply from Snoop-Linus 5 days later: I fucked everything up, all of it. I just need you back in my life, the past year hasn’t been the same without you. I love you Gizzy.
Really? I say I hate you after not speaking to the kid for months I send I hate you and get an I love you I need you back in my life?
So the lessoned to be learned here is that even at 26 years old I still cannot be trusted with my own cell phone while intoxicated.
I think getting that “I hate you” out of my system will end the whole Snoop-Linus debacle and I don’t think DOUCHEAROO will be texting me for sometime after getting shot down…. Again. DENIED!
Well, we are officially back in action. WordPress shut us down for a hot minute saying we violated their terms of service. Which was a big lie. I emailed them and they said it was a mistake. You’re damn right it was a mistake! They must have been trying to put us on freshly pressed and deactivated us instead. That’s gotta be it. Anyway…
Lately I’ve been in a slump, I don’t feel like going out or doing anything fun, and I really just want to be left the hell alone. By everyone other than my family and Lucky. I’d like to go entire days without making fake conversation with people at work about the weather and how slow the copy machine is. I don’t want to hang out with my roommates. I want to come home, eat my dinner, and relax in my room alone while drinking a glass of wine or 5.
It seems like if I am short with people at work I’m constantly getting the, “What’s wrong, is everything ok?” Look/questioning from everyone. Yes! Everything is fucking fine, I just want to come in here, do my job, and leave. I don’t care about your grandkids, or what you had for dinner, or what your plans are this weekend. If there were people my age I’d probably feel different, especially if there were hot guys or halfway decent girls I could possibly be friends with. But I’m tired, and I have a lot of work, and hearing about peoples lives gives me less energy to do work and stay up past 8:30. But last Friday I had to hear a 20 minute long explanation of what Ciggy Breath was doing for his wife’s birthday month. That I never asked about. And I just had to leave, that was it – I was cashed after hearing that.
So to add to hating everyone last week I woke up with a 6AM text from Anth saying, “Did you stand there while they fucked with my sunglasses? And, where did you go?”
A little backstory, a few weeks ago my old college pal Gigi came for a visit and we went to a concert on the beach. After the concert we were walking to catch a cab, something happened and I smacked Anth’s chest. His sunglasses were on the inside of his shirt and when I smacked his chest one of the lenses popped out of his shades. I offered to take them to get them fixed and that was the end of it.
So, when the whole fire thing happened I sat down to take a looksie at his sunglasses. The lenses are held in with fishing wire so I figured I could put it back in myself. I did and then I cleaned them and all was good. A week and a half later I got that text from Anth.
Now, I don’t condone lying to anyone, but in a case like this if I would have told Anth that I fixed his sunglasses he would’ve gone off on me and accused me of messing them up somehow. So when I told him I would get them fixed he said I could go to any optometry place and it would be fine. I told him I took him to sunglass hut because they’re probably all high and wouldn’t recall if I came in there like an optometry place would. So then he goes off on a tangent about how there’s a chip missing from the bottom of the lens, you can barely notice it, and how I should’ve gone to an optometry place because they have better tools for that stuff. Well you know what dbag? I fixed it and I didn’t use any tools, and I sure as hell didn’t chip the god damn lens using my fingers to put it back in.
I don’t know if it’s because I’m extra irritable or what the deal is, but I just did not want to deal with this. I immediately texted Lucky and told her the sitch, she said it was stupid and I agreed. Once all was said and done I just ignored him, if he wants me to take them to get the lens fixed (which I’m not entirely sure happened because of something I did) I will get them fixed. But, he’s going to have to grow some damn balls and ask me to do it. Because it’s time to be a man and stop confronting people through emails and text messages. Yes, I confronted them about my cheese through an email, but I would’ve said it to their faces had they been at the apartment when I noticed it was all gone, I just wanted my cheese replaced before the next morning damnit.
The day before that or after, I can’t even remember now they all run together, he was texting me complaining about me turning the air conditioning up 1 degree in the morning when I left. God forbit it is 1 degree warmer in the apartment when NO ONE is there all day long so that we save some money/help Earth. So I asked what his problem with it was, he said that he gets hot when he sleeps. Ok, so turn it down when you sleep or if you get hot, who cares. No that wasn’t good enough, he had to complain about how sometimes he forgets to turn it down and then he wakes up sweating. But of course he’s too lazy to get out of bed and turn it down or not use a fucking down comforter in the middle of summer. But I digress. See what I’m dealing with here?
It gets slightly worse, after fending off my nagging non-husband all week, the weekend had finally arrived. I was planning on eating buffalo wild wings and drinking my bud light limes and laying in bed all weekend and talking to NO ONE. I am all independant woman the past year or so, don’t need a man, yada yada… I’m sure there are songs about it. But, when Lucky called me last weekend to tell me about the latest with her cray cray dad I ventured out of my room and went to the roof so that I could have good cell service. As I do, I hadn’t been up there for more than 2 seconds and here comes Anth. So I go down to the kitchem, 2 seconds later here comes Anth. Why? I don’t know, I guess he needed attention or something. Because he wasn’t following me around because he had a purpose for being in either of those rooms, he was just lingering.
So I go into my room and lay halfway in my room and halfway out my sliding doors so my phone would still get service (HATE AT&T btw) and not 15 minutes later JM busts in my bedroom door because he’s visiting and thought I was gone, so he was going to sleep in my bed.
Then every time I come downstairs I get shit about how I don’t hang out with them and how I’m boring and will die a lonely old cat lady because I never come out of my room. And that is exactly why I don’t come out of my room, so I don’t have to hear shit like that.
I like my roommates, and I like to party with them occassionally. But I don’t want to hang out with them from the time I wake up in the morning until I go to bed. #1 they watch bad tv (sports – not the good ones either, they watch boring stuff, like wrestling, tennis, and golf) #2 I don’t want to hear about how I’m so lame #3 I don’t want to hear about your girlfriend/girl you’ve been banging because I don’t care.
So men, I get it. I get what you’re going through having a nagging wife and no sex. I get it.