Tag Archives: taco bell

You are cordially invited to me and myself’s wedding, at taco bell.

What if I told you I might have a teeny tiny crush on the guy that works at the taco bell drive thru? I’m still trying to figure out if he is 18 (and because of this he is not on the 100 list.)  So if this is the last post you ever get from me you can count on it being because Chris Hansen came to my house and I got arrested for statutory rape or some shit.

So it’s not that the taco bell drive thru guy is so hot that I feel the need to go there every day and get grade e beef tacos, because honestly he’s kind of greasy, he is just really, really nice. I’m sure the feeling will pass but for the time being I have never met a guy so nice.  I pull up to the 2nd drive thru window and he’s all, “Hey I’m really sorry about your wait, how about some free cinnamon twists for your trouble?” I’m not going to pass up free cinnamon twists, you’ve gotta be crazy to do such a thing.  So I take the twists, then he offers me a free soda, ok I’ll take the soda.  I am eating taco bell after all, what’s the extra 400 calories and 55 grams of sugar going to do to me? Actually, it’ll probably give me diabetes, but oh well.

So while I’m sitting there waiting on my fiesta taco salad with no beans (remember kids, beans beans the magical fruit the more you eat the more you TOOOOOT, don’t want none that!) he asks if I’m cold because I had just gotten off work and was dressed like a hooker.  I tell him no I just got off work, like he is expected to know what I do for a semi-living.  Bless his little heart, he asks if I’m a nurse or something.  I tell him that I do liquor promotions and he’s all, ohh so you’re a saleswoman and I giggle and say “tehehe yaa,” THEN, he hands me my bag and says, “Here you go, you have a great night and please drive safely.”  Are those not the nicest things you’ve ever heard?! He was so genuine about it too!! Drive safely! I think most drive thru people would wish me to NOT drive safely after I give them the stink eye for not saying a damned word to me.  Except the guy who runs the McDonalds drive thru cash register, he always tells me to have a “McFabulous day”  I also think he’s gay.  But anyway, this guy was honest to god really sorry that I had to wait on those goons in the kitchen to make my food, even though it was literally like 3 minutes and I’ve waited longer for a glass of ice water before.

Clearly it’s very difficult to impress me, which is why I’m so confused on why more guys don’t give it a shot.  Really, I would be happy if a guy I was dating asked how my day was.  I honestly don’t think it’s ever happened.  Assholes.  ***I’m just going to interrupt myself right here and change the subject because I can already feel that this is starting to get a little too “poor single me.” And I really don’t think anyone wants to see that come out.

Instead I’ll tell everyone about how I took myself on a second date in my car last night.  Second dates are a little more comfortable where we let down our hair and show a couple of our true colors. We relax, you know eat somewhere that might make us look unattractive (see: Cheeburger Cheeburger, big IS better) and watch a movie we’ve already seen.  Last night I took myself to KFC, I splurged, and got the 2 piece chicken meal with 2 sides (mac n cheese and mashed potato, extra starch please!) a biscuit and a large pepsi because it was a second date celebration. I also finished watching When In Rome, and may have pretended Josh Duhamel was on the date with me instead of myself. Instead of sitting up straight in the front seat in that awkward first date fashion I laid down in the backseat, time to get a little more cozy and cuddle up, with myself. I think it’s getting serious, I really like spending time with myself.  We get along so well, there’s no fighting, no debate over what restaurant to go to, what movie to watch, who gets what side of the bed, and most important of all – I would NEVER cheat on myself.  I think I may finally be in the perfect relationship, we’re really happy.  So, hey everyone, save the date!

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Promo Girl/Lebron James Politics

So does Camille Grammer have anal leakage or what? Every time I type in my little log on and password and head to our dashboard I see this:

top searches

camille grammer anal leakage

I know it’s not uncommon for our blog to yield as a search result when people google disgusting things such as anal leakage, since I did use that as an example of something that someone might ask our advice on, but what I don’t get is who the eff out there wants to read about Camille Grammer’s anal leakage? I mean #1 how do you even get anal leakage and #2 Why do you want to read about it? Tell me this please.  You, the one googling anal leakage, you have some explaining to do, SHOW YOURSELF!

Speaking of anal leakage, has everyone seen that new facebook feature where you can ‘view a friendship’? I did this with several of my friends and was slightly disturbed by my own sense of humor when that video I posted last week of the fat guy licking his man boobs to “I kissed a girl” came up on 98% of my friendship pages.  Sigh. I think I might need a life coach.  The other 2% of my friends had a picture of a mexican fiesta pop up when I tried to plan a cruise to Cabo Wabo with my college friends and the only one who agreed to go was Anth.  Thumbs DOWN.

So, today’s post is about being a promo girl.  You think you have what it takes?

The first step is to select your category, are you:

1. Preppy/Think your shit don’t stank?

2. Hot, drunk, and stupid

3.  Ugly, old, and fat

4. a hodge podge of races with fluctuating weight

If you chose 1, congratulations you can be like me! You can work for Captain Morgan, Crown Royal, Jose Cuervo, Ursus, and many more!

If you chose 2, today is your first day of Jagarmeister rush! ON THE GROUND!

If you chose 3, you are an imported beer queen.  Heineken, dos equis? At your service gramps!

If you chose 4, I’m sorry.  You are a miller girl.

I probably fit better into category #2 because you know, drunk. But I take what I can get.

In all seriousness I have a question/favor to ask of you, our loyal readers.  Do you guys think I could charge a fee for people to hang out with me? Like as a service? I would name the company, “You’ve got a friend in Gizzy” like nerds who don’t have friends could call me up and pay me like $50 and I would let them get me drunk infront of their co-workers or something/I could wear something “showy” for added impressment (thanks for the idear, Anth.)

I ask because I am bombing interviews left and right and my life has actually come down to the point where I think my stepmom is getting me a job.  Which makes me sad.  Because I wanted to move far away and be all independent woman and come home for the 4th of July and be like, “Hey everyone meet my hot actor boyfriend, his name is Zac Efron.  Yeah the one from high school musical.  What about Vanessa? Oh he dumped her when he met me because god she is like sooooo 2009.”  But it doesn’t look like that’s going to happen anymore, because at one point it did.  When I was meeting celebrities left and right and they thought I was cool.  But now I’m like Matt McFaggot, a has been in the eyes of Hollywood.

It all started when Lebron James denied me a picture, he’s the one who made hanging out with Gizzy not be cool anymore.  Meatloaf, Lynard Skynard, Drew Carey, Shawn Marion, John Mellencamp, and Candace Cameron (yep, I’m name dropping all the celebrities I have met because I am depressed but this is making it worse because nobody really knows who any of these people are anymore) all thought it was cool to hang out with me.  But no here I am paroozing around one day chit chatting with Anderson Varejao having a grand old time when Lebron comes along.

When Lebron walks up.  Like any warm blooded American would do I pull down my shirt a little and bat my eyes at him, we shoot the shit because I’m so. cool. and then ask for a picture because obviously no one would ever believe I was hanging out with Lebron James and Anderson Varejao when I’m not even from Cleveland and Lebron says, “Naw girl, just for the kids.”

After that I pretty much made it my life mission to run into Lebron again when I am famous and deny him a photo.  Like be at some awards show (the oscars, with Zac) and see Lebron pull up behind me and linger around the red carpet for him to be like, “Gizenator my girl! Lets get a pic for the paps.” And I can be like, “Naw Lebron, just for celebrities.”

Really though, I know everyone wants to know how I was hanging out with Lebron and Anderson.  A friend of mine gave me post game passes for the Cavs when they were playing the team from the state I am from.  So, I got drunk at the game and was eyeing Anderson because he seemed nice.  When Lebron walks up, vagina blocks and shatters my ego for not being a kid for the rest of my life.

So there you have it.  It was my one chance to meet a nice, successful guy and Lebron James ruined it. And I am out for revenge.  Ok, mayybbeee his hair is a little crazy but I can deal with it, he was nice and brazilian. And I am pissed all over again.

Anywho, I think I am getting set up with someone tomorrow.  My friend Betty said she has “someone she wants me to meet.”  I don’t know how I feel about this because the last time she tried to set me up with someone it was an epic fail and made me realize that she clearly has no idea what I look for in guys.  I haven’t asked any questions about this guy because honestly I don’t want to know, if I know before hand that I’m not going to like him I’ll probably try and find a way to cancel which will piss her off so best to be surprised right? RIGHT! But this last guy was baaaad, she met him at a club, he was nerdy, weird, and basically the complete opposite of everything I look for.  At one point I actually pulled her aside where she said, “He’s nice right? Why aren’t you saying a word to him?” and I had to be like, “Honestly? Do you hate me? Why would you do this?” At which point I decided to make myself seem unattractive to him so he wouldn’t ask for my number or anything.  We were at Betty’s having some drinks on her deck with her husband at the time, and our couple friends Chad and Rachel.  Chad said he wanted to go to the gas station to buy some cigarettes so I handed him my credit card and asked him to stop and get me Mcdonalds AND taco bell.  I think it worked.

It just makes me nervous, because when Betty is picking out guys for her friends they are really guys for her.  I liked her husband, he was really nice, not so much what I long for physically but you know it’s whatevs.  I guess I could hope she shows up with Kelsey Grammer, even though he’s a little old for me.  I could be Hollywood for a while.  Her current boyfriend is an archaeologist professor and talks with big words.  The 3 of us went canoeing and I remember him saying some big word and I asked what it meant and he said “water” like why wouldn’t you just say water? You’re not hanging out with jeopardy winners or anything.

Well, since Lucky’s dad is in town you guys are stuck with me all weekend.  Tonight I’m working with the Captain and The Captain’s Crystal sooo…. giddy up!

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I’ll have a VENTi!

I need to bitch about something that has really been chapping my ass for the past 6 months.  I just saw a facebook post on one of my friend’s walls and to keep the molting hot hell lava from spewing out my eyes and mouth I had to come here to do my venting (VENTi.. get it? Starbucks. :))

So here’s the story: my ex-ex-boyfriend not snoop-linus but the one before him, douchearoo (there is no better word in the world to describe him) and I broke up about 3 years ago – yes 3 YEARS! He broke up with me mainly because I’m your standard untrusting crazy girlfriend.  So we broke up summer of 2007 and were off and on for the next year until I started dating this guy who was bi-polar and then snoop-linus.

Well douchearoo did everything douchey you could possibly imagine, after we broke up he would follow me home from the bars to make sure I wasn’t shacking with anyone else and sent me texts with facts about things he knew I loved like taco bell and punky brewster (he turned the crazy on!) But while we were dating he would do douchey things like save texts that his drunk engaged ex-girlfriend would send him saying, “You are wonderful,” and him and his friends would go play cards with her and her friends every Thursday and I was never allowed to come.  He got us kicked out of a wedding reception, I was in the wedding as a brides maid.  He was arrogant and just all around an ugly dick.  I thank my lucky stars that I’m not with him anymore, I’ve noticed in his pictures that his hairline is starting to recede and his double-chin is bordering triple.  Plus he has been out of school for 2 years and I still don’t think he has a steady job.  Oh and the best thing when we were on and off and he was hooking up with other girls he would mass email his friends with stories about his escapades, a tucker max wanna-bee if you will.  Don’t worry I have them all printed out and any time I write about douchearoo I will post the next story… here’s #1, enjoy:

Friday November 9, 2007 3:19 a.m.

To whom it may concern, yes I am drunk off my ass,

You both have heard from me within the last few hours but I wanted to send this before I forgot the funny details about when I let my brain make decisions instead of my cock.

Typical bar night. (side note: jew fro compared (Jessica?) to a Jill 2.0, Yes fatty’s Jill) It must have been sorority happy hour night at the bar.  Blondes everywhere.  We both strike out.  By the time I left the bar jew fro and I were both hammered. Jew fro even OFFERED to take my cup home.  Yeah.

At the next bar I sat at the bar with Ogre and Horse until (Jessica?) came up behind us.  At this point I am so focused on another girl that I barely notice her.  Fast forward.  Everyone is gone and I am headed home with Ogre giving him my taco bell order. I call another girl in a desperate attempt to get laid.  No dice.  Ogre meets me at home and I get this text verbatim from (Jessica?), “Do you want to do it or what?” I go into Jew fro’s bedroom and he tells me to go for it.  What a great friend.  Why not right, I am drunk as Bdub when he pees the bed.  (Jessica?) convinces me to meet her at Ashley’s.  I stop at the Ashley’s door to hear this little gem.

Jessica – Where is he.  He must be retarded.  Am I going to have sex or not? Jenny – It’s not worth your time. (Author’s note: HAHAHA.  I am ashamed)

I listen for 20 minutes about nothing important until I finally walk in.  (Jessica?) immediately grabs her jacket and follows me toward the door.  On the way out Ashley gives me a facial expression that can only sarcastically mean “fuck you” and head out.  Mind you, I have been sobering up for a solid hour and she looks just as bad as ever.  We get back to my place and I grab a P-funk and dart out the door to smoke.  Naturally, she follows me outside and says I am an asshole but continues to lean on me.  An agonizing 5 minutes later, after I throw my cig on the sidewalk, she says “So what now?”

“Now I go to bed and you go back to Ashley’s”

I tell her “because I don’t fuck anyone that calls me an asshole.” – I win.

I had to walk her back where she slammed the door in my face.

Lesson I learned: Girls and their attractiveness are completely relative.  If this would have been in any other town I would have fucked her.  For instance, if a girl of her attractiveness level wants to fuck me tomorrow, I will slam into her hard.  Thanks for listening, I appreciate feedback.

Love you both,

Douchearoo

Yep, that’s the guy I got to call my boyfriend for 7 whole months and there are plenty more emails where that came from.  I realized the other day when I was looking through my old planner that I had made plans to have lunch with douchearoo the day after I met snoop-linus, which thankfully I cancelled.  When I met snoop-linus I cut off all contact with douchearoo because I was in love with snoop-linus before I ever even met him and when things got hot and heavy there was no way I was letting douchearoo get his douchey little hands in the mix and fuck it up for me.

He would still send me all his garbage texts when he would see me out with snoop-linus and de-friended me on facebook because it crushed his stone-cold heart to see snoop linus and I so happy together.  A few days after his birthday I sent him a text saying happy belated and he replied with a shit-ton of texts about how good we were together and all of this riff-raff I wrote back that he was high because we weren’t good together and went on some trip about how he wanted to be friends again.  The next day he re-requested me as a friend so as I was laughing at the desperate jackass I accepted, he still texted and I didn’t reply.

2 months later he said something sexual about me to snoop-linus in a bar when I wasn’t there.  Apparently it was a good show, snoop-linus was blacked out and doesn’t remember it but douchearoo’s friends told me snoop had him cornered and was threatening to pummel his chins in if he ever mentioned my name again.   Of course douchearoo had to get the last word in and texted me the next day about how I should tell my boyfriend to “chill the fuck out” and to stop threatening to beat people up and topped it all off by de-friending me on facebook for a 2nd time.  I didn’t reply and haven’t gotten a text from douchearoo since then.  I’ve seen him out once since then and I went carrie on his ass because his friend approached me and hugged me so he walks up asking what the fuck is she doing here and I replied with some drunken crazy mumbo jumbo about how he needs to get the fuck over it because he has 35 chins and I still look good but that I never did anything wrong, he was the douchebag but somehow he hates me? and then I flipped him the bird and said peace out motha fucka!

So, that brings us to today.  One of his best friend’s birthdays was a few months ago and to my knowledge all of his friends still love me.  They all still talk to me all the time and the friend who was having the birthday asked me to be his date to a wedding a few weeks before, so I wrote on the friends wall happy birthday and to call me.  Douchearoo had already wished the friend a happy birthday a few posts below mine and then today I saw he commented right after mine saying this, “I like how you say you hate certain people but they still blow up your wall” and then he clicked that he liked his own post.  See? Douche-a-roo!  Obviously that was aimed toward me or he would’ve put it in his original birthday post.  3 years people, 3 years we have been broken up he lives an hour away and he is still trying to nickel and dime some kind of reaction out of me.  Well, here’s to you douchearoo…. eff off!

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