Tag Archives: Teen Mom

The Welcome Back Party

Herrooo old friends!!! I’m going to be totally honest and tell you that I have no good excuse for going AWOL for a hot minute. Lucky and I have been talking for a few months about resurrecting the blog because we’re both kind of in the same place in our lives and we’ve got some things planned in the next few months that will probably be semi-entertaining to read about, so we thought better now than never! I just know I really haven’t been up to much the last couple of years and my life would have been SO boring to read about, unless you’d love to read about me trotting around the country drinking with my friends or recaps of Teen Mom and The Bachelor, in which case – I’m your girl!

After the whole Nutter Butter breakup and my failed attempt at dating a super-hot guy fresh out of college 2 years ago, I decided that I was tired of guys treating me like I was disposable and dating needed to be my last priority, so I stopped dating. It wasn’t long before it became really apparent to me that when you’re in your late 20s and you stop dating, that also means you stop having sex (side note: that doesn’t mean I didn’t TRY to have sex. I did try, with a really hot guy in the Navy that I met while I was out celebrating my 29th birthday. It is surprisingly hard to get a guy to just hook up with you and promise to never call you again.) When I came up with this plan I was about to turn 28 and hadn’t been without a guy since I was 14. I was serial dating all the wrong guys, knowing they were the wrong guys, but continuing to date them because I didn’t know how to be alone. And, what girl in her 20s doesn’t think she can rid a guy of all his bad habits? The stuff that I let those douchers get away with doing to me is so shameful, and I finally realized that if I didn’t take the time I needed to figure out who I was without a boyfriend, I would continue to date these awful guys and would probably end up married to and then divorced from one of them. If this is the part where you expect me to tell you that I finally met Prince Charming (See: Neal Bledsoe), then look away now, because that didn’t happen. I’m still single, but more stable and [I would hope] able to make better decisions. And when I say “better decisions,” I mean in the long run, I’m totally not opposed to bad decisions that are short term/one night stands with hot guys because… 2 years.

Also, this isn’t a post about self-discovery. I mean, come on, look who you’re talking to here: I’m still totally inappropriate and get way too drunk with my friends, albeit a lot less frequently now that we’re maturing. I’m still not really sure what I want to do with my life, but I finally realized that I’m not going to figure it out by dating assholes that cheat on me and have the audacity to manipulate me into thinking I deserved it. LOLZ – the fact that those things ever happened is so stupid, but it makes me pretty happy to know it’s all documented on this blog.

The whole “I’m not dating at all” concept is perplexing to basically everyone I tell. All my friends and family have tried to set me up so many times, like SO many times, these last 2 years and would then get super offended when I turned down the offer because they don’t understand why I would choose to be alone while I’m in my prime baby making years. Uh, maybe because guys are man whores and I don’t feel like being emotionally drained and worrying about STDs all the time? I don’t know! I’ve ruined a few friendships with guy friends who thought this stint of singledom would be the best time to finally ask me out. I know telling someone not to take it personal is almost always bullshit, and it is still total bullshit in my case because of course if the perfect guy came along (See: Neal Bledsoe above) I wouldn’t have turned him down, but I wasn’t about to waste my time or theirs when I already knew I wouldn’t be that into it. I’m pretty sure my family thinks I’m a lesbian (as long as Neal is still out there that’ll never happen) since I’m not married and don’t have a bunch of babies, because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re from a small town. My Grandma sat me down for a serious conversation a few months ago about getting artificially inseminated so I could have a family, there’s a cute guy at her church she thinks would do it – and by do it she meant jizz in a cup, not actually fuck me. My guy friends that are married have been pushing me to stay single for as long as possible and live the good life, because once you get married it’s a long road of misery, or at least that’s what they tell me. I overheard my Stepdad telling some other family members that it (my love life) will all be okay because I’ll be able to start catching guys on the next round. What’s the next round? Oh it’s just all the guys that got married and popped out a bunch of babies when they were 22 who are now 30 and getting divorced. Exactly what I want, a divorcee with a bunch of babies. Real talk, it’s kind of fun watching everyone squirm because they can’t figure me out. But, I’m almost ready to start dating again, like seeing one more Nicholas Sparks movie alone and then I’ll date anyone with a pulse almost ready.

P.s. As of today, Neal Bledsoe still has not approved my facebook friend request, but I’m okay with it. A few months ago, after 4 ½ years of persistence, he finally acknowledged my existence on twitter. Small victories.

P.p.s. We just got Instagram: Instagram.com/cocktailsattiffanys

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And a sext message in a pear tree…

Does it make me a tool if I looooooveeee full coverage underwear? I’m not talking like full on grannies.  I’m talking about boy shorts that cover everything.  I just put on a fresh pair and my area is in France and everybody is in bed for the night.

Side note: Just got this text from The Captain, “On a scale of 1 to 10 how good is my body? Be honest.”  I bet you guys can’t waaaaiiiit to hear what happened.  Mwhahaaaaa.

Anyway, back to my underwear.  I had a hankering for some Mcdonald’s last night after I saw the episode of Sex and The City where Carrie throws le filet o fish and le big mac at Mr. Big, so I got up out of my bed and went and got me some.  When I returned home and was walking through my garage I stepped in something wet and slipped and nearly fell to my death when my ass smacked the ground in my full coverage underwear.  It took that for me to realize I had just gone to Mcdonald’s wearing no shoes, no bra, and no pants.   After I heard my ass hit the cement I decided it was time to start working out.  After I ate my Big Mac and fries. MONOPOLY!

I rolled out of bed in the morning and power walked a 5k.  I was pretty proud of myself but I seriously think I was 10 steps away from  a heart attack.  I only weigh 115 pounds but it’s about 110 pounds of flub.  My heart was the little engine that could and it held out but I don’t know what I’m going to do about this.  All I can picture is my little heart in my chest with his fists up trying to punch the Hamburgler in the face to fight off the fat and grease but his reach is too short and the Hamburgler wins. And the Hamburgler WINS!  If I die of a heart attack I want you to make sure my headstone says EXACTLY this, “To the victor go the spoils, the Hamburgler wins again!”

Now that I am simultaneously writing this blog and sexting with The Captain I’ll just go ahead and spill the I’m Sorry I Suck beans.  The Plan was supposed to go into action Sunday afternoon.  I was all set up with rope (duct tape) and a blindfold (t-shirt) to teach The Captain a lesson.  We walked in his apartment after work and find Raymundo, The Captain’s asian french speaking roommate, sitting on a bean bag looking like he had no intentions of going anywhere for a while. While The Captain went and changed out of his polar bear costume:

I had a little chitty chat with Raymundo where he told me his plans for the day were to sit infront of the tv and start watching Dexter from season 1.  He had rented all 5.  Hooray! So I pushed the plan back and told The Captain I had to skeedattle.  I didn’t want to do it with Raymundo there because what’s the fun in that if he gets untied 5 minutes after I leave? I probably should’ve just manned up and done it because it’s all only getting more intense, he’s starting to call regularly and want to see me regularly and I am beginning to run out of excuses and he’s not bad at sexting either, anybody wanna see a little word porn? OK! Here’s what he sent me tonight, keep in mind my responses were nothing like his and topped out at an OMG, OH WOW, or yeah that sounds good.

Captain: Do you like soft kisses up your body then my hand grabbing your hair and just… you know.

Captain: What about a massage then soft kisses on your neck and down your back

Captain: Well do you like feathers? Me not touching you blowing feathers up and down your chest then stomach then massage you wherever you want (the feather thing is totes from 40 days and 40 nights, ah Josh Hartnett)

*OK, So right here is where I felt I needed to contribute to the conversation so I said what about whipped cream? Continue…*

Captain: Whipped cream is too sticky, I’ll just lick you.  I love to lick even though someone doesn’t like it but I’m good at it just a side note

Sccccreeeeeeeeettttttccchhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

That’s the sexting bus wheels coming to a fucking stop.  You love to lick even though SOMEONE doesn’t like it.  He’s going to have to pay another $19.95 if he wants this session to continue.  I don’t think so.  I replied saying goodnight.  Hopefully he gets that next time why not just invite Captain’s Crystal into the conversation so she can add her 2 cents in as well.  Christ.

He also sent me a good morning text today and a little treat for you all:

Basically the EXACT same picture as last time only closer, but totally completely different.  I mean gosh.  But this one is different and borders on pornographic so kids, hide your eyes! BLINDFOLDS!

So I apologize that this was not my last post about The Captain, but it’s coming, hopefully before anything else too crazy happens, Captain’s Crystal just posted on my facebook wall asking me to go out with then tonight.   THIS IS JUST MADNESS!! Just hang on to your little pirate hats and we’ll be on our way…

In other boy news I got a friend request on facebook the other day from none other than, are you ready for it ready for it, drumroll please……….

DOUCHEAROO!!!!

I pondered accepting for a while, because I can still creep on his ugly ass because his profile is open however mine is closed.  Did I really want him looking at my pictures? I look good, so why the hell not.  I accepted.  For the blog. I give the new friend status a week to marinate before I get a text saying, “Hey facebook friend,” mark my words.  1 week.  If I have nothing to blog about that day, maybe I’ll respond to stir the drama pot a little.  1 week.

And I got another rejection letter from a company, I’m starting to get really upset:

Dear Gisabelle,

Thank you for your continued interest in BP and the position of Fart Knocker. We regret to inform you that BP
has decided not to progress with the selection of any candidates for this particular position.

We would like to invite you to apply for other positions that are closely aligned with your qualifications and interests as they arise. To access these opportunities through BP™s website go to
http://www.bp.com/careers. We encourage you to register for job alerts by
creating a Search Agent that will notify you about future opportunities that may be of interest.

Again, thank you for considering BP as a potential employer. We wish you every success with your career.

Sincerely,

BP Global Recruitment

So don’t hate me because I applied to BP.  I NEED A JOB! I figured that no one else is going to apply there because people want to blow them up so why wouldn’t they hire me? Instead they decide to hire NO ONE.  Like, fucking come on!? Give a girl a break.  If anyone out there reading this feels sorry enough for me to give me a job in finance email me cocktailsattiffanys@gmail.com I promise I’m not as big of a sloth as I seem.  I’ll relocate!

And that’s where I hit rock bottom.  Begging readers for a job.

Well it’s almost time for the Teen Mom repeat, I’ve had 5!!!!! redbulls and I am ready for this hour and a half finale.  I cannot wait.  So glad I made it out of my teenage years without getting preggers.  God bless abstinence and crooked teeth. Amen.

P.S. Welcome back Lappy!

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