I was paroozing around facebook last night minding my own business when my aunt facebook chats me and says, “Wanna know a secret?” Um DUH! She makes me swear up and down to all things holy that I won’t tell anyone because cats not outta the bag yet. By this point my mind was really running wild, she lives in Orlando so at first I thought she was going to tell me she was coming for a surprise visit and needed me to pick her up at the airport. But then she drops The Bomb. W, my second cousin, is pregnant.
I’m sure most of you are thinking, BFD who gives a rats ass about their second cousins? This guy! My family is way too close and yes I am even close with my second cousins. Let me do a breakdown of my family tree for you using letters, symbols, and deaf kids:
G&G (Grandma and Grandpa) had 4 kids – Aunt V, Aunt P, My mom, and Uncle L
Aunt V married Uncle T and had 3 kids – Cousin M, Cousin S, and Cousin D
Cousin M had 4 kids by 3 different dads and is pregnant with her fifth child by, you guessed it, a different dad. For those of you who aren’t mathematicians when she pops this one out that will be 5 kids with 4 baby daddy. The kids are- 2nd Cousin W, 2nd Cousin K, 2nd Cousin B, 2nd Cousin M, and now 2nd Cousin Fetus
Is this getting white trash enough for everyone? Because it gets worse. But this is as far as we need to go because it’s this leg of the family that is completely effed up (as far as babies and baby daddy’s go, we’ll get into debt, drugs, and jail time with the rest of the family some other time.) Really I am like the prized possession of the family, in case anyone was wondering, a college graduate, no ex-husbands, no substance abuse problems, no jail time, manageable college debt, and most importantly no babies and no baby daddy’s, I’m like the golden fucking egg. With a halo.
Back to the story, so my aunt tells me that 2nd Cousin W is preggers right? Yes Cousin M’s child, who is 17, and who has been with her boyfriend for 2 months, who has buck teeth and a shag hair cut. I know this is confusing so let me put it as simply as possible, My cousin’s kids, are having kids. That’s 2 extra generations my cousin made before I made 1. I mean yes, she is like 9 years older than me, and I was like 8 when 2nd cousin W was born but still. Let me break it down again from a different point of view, my mother is going to be a Great Great Aunt before she is a grandmother. So not only is 2nd Cousin W pregnant but her mother Cousin M is also pregnant and their due dates are two weeks apart.
Most people would be like OMG THIS IS SO WHITE TRASH I LOVE IT! BUT, it gets worse. Because not only will these fetus’ be aunt/uncle and niece/nephew to one another and only be a few weeks apart (sooooo Father Of The Bride II isn’t it? No? Right! Because there were only 2 baby daddy’s involved in that sitch) but this is 2nd generation. THAT’S RIGHT. It’s happened before. Remember Cousin D, Cousin M’s little sister? Well when Aunt V was pregnant with Cousin D, Cousin M was pregnant with 2nd Cousin W, they’re a few months apart, but still the exact. same. situation. This here is, yet again, what I like to call… full circle. That’s full fucking circle.
I’m also not a big fan of Cousin M because she is a bitch. So I have been laughing an evil laugh all night long, and then I went out and bought a pregnancy test and took it because, karma and toilet seat.
When Snoop-Linus and I broke up and it said, “Gizzy in no longer listed as ‘in a relationship'” on facebook, instead of reacting how normal people react and saying, “Ohhh I’m so sorry, you’ll be ok.” She says AND I FUCKING QUOTE, “Smile. Because I’m getting married again!!!” Bitch.
She does most of her bullying via facebook, my next status:
“Gizzy is setting up an excel spreadsheet for her bills. Nerd alert.”
Cousin M: Glad to know those 10 years of college has taught u somethin!!!
You know what i have to say to that, HARDY FUCKING HAR with some big buck teeth college taught me simple grammar and how to spell YOU, goddamnit.
It was after this that I asked my mom to put me in anger management because I didn’t want to punch her in the face at the next family get together and upset grandma. My mom told me not to worry, that Cousin M was simply jealous of my baggage free educated self and that The Sisters would take care of it. Godddd do I love my mom’s sisters.
Sure enough Easter rolls around and here comes Cousin M with her new husband introducing everyone by simply saying “Hubby T this is Cousin Z, Cousin B, Cousin H, ohh and here’s Gizzy, the one who has been in college for like a decade.” I lunged forward at her with Ella’s snake cage that was loaded with a gardener snake screaming, “LISTEN HERE YOU CUN…” when Uncle L pulls me back and says, “Let them take care of it.” It’s at that time when I see The Sisters (my aunts) circling around Cousin M saying things like, “Why ya always picking on Gizzy? She’s doing something with herself other than popping out kids and marrying whatever comes along. At least she went to college, unlike you.” ZING! Score one for Gizzy. That’s exactly what I was going to say except that I was going to make my grandfather roll over in his grave and call her a CUNT in front of the whole family and my grandmother with her virgin ears. Glad I didn’t have to. That’s what’s up.
But, my family is like a small community. We love to hate each other and we’re all so close we know errybody’s business and all gossip about each other, in a loving way. And that’s exactly why I don’t tell anyone in my family jack shit. In my grandmother’s eyes I am the holy grail of grandchildren, I’m up there with my grandfather and Jesus on her list of favorite people and I intend to stay there. When I get to heaven me, Jesus, and my grandpa can form a club and call it Dotty’s Top 3, we might sing too, I don’t know though, don’t push it guys. But it does feel good to be an elite member of heaven’s society.