Tag Archives: texas

A little bit of Texas in my….

It’s Ja Ja Ja JERSEDAY!!!!! This week a Priest tells Snooki to cover up her ta ta’s and I cannot wait!!

You’ll all be happy to hear that I made my first responsible adult romantic decision Tuesday night while I was out for drinks with Texas.  I saw a red flag and called him on it.

The evening kicked off about 9pm at a bar between our two places.  Anth dropped me off and on our way there we discussed what Texas and I were going to talk about since it was just going to be the two of us.  I knew there would be the typical what have you been up to for the past year convo but I really didn’t know where the conversation would lead.  I really wanted to find out for sure if he still had the girlfriend so that was at the top of the agenda.  

We got the typical work talk out of the way pretty quickly, I told him about my job and all of the old people I work with and he told me he’s been running a ski lodge in Colorado for the past year, and living at the lodge so that he could ski everyday.  That was a yellow flag.  My thoughts coming into this were wondering if he had become an “adult” since we graduated from college a year ago, and him telling me this little tid bit of info told me no he hadn’t grown up at all and was probably still a big partier.   He was quick to mention the “EX-girlfriend” so that I knew he was single and ready to mingle.  

The conversation turned to music and he asked me if I liked electronic music, I made a face and grunted “NO!” and he took it upon himself to try and change my mind.  Telling me I had to come to a concert with him and I had to do X so that I enjoyed it.  At first I laughed it off and just said, “Uh yeah that’ll happen.”  But he was persistent, telling me how it makes you feel and blah blah blah.  All stuff I had heard before when Snoop-Linus did that shit every weekend.  Then after he was done with his sales pitch he asked, “So do you want to do it?” I looked at him like he was an idiot and said “Um NO! I am 26 years old, peer pressuring me isn’t going to work.  I have no desire to do that stuff.  And aren’t you afraid it’s going to mess up your brain?”  He came back with some unconvincing spiel about how he only does it a few times a year when he goes to a concert or something so it’s not like he does it every weekend.  Eventually I asked if we could just change the subject.  He knows Snoop-Linus and already knows a lot of what I went through with that so at that point I was pretty much over the drug talk.  And at that point I held up my hand and said, “THIS! This is what we like to call a red flag.  Don’t try and date me or anything ok?  I’m not going to date another guy who does drugs, so just don’t even try it.”  

Anth and Lucky both got a good chuckle out of that.  I mean yeah it’s the first time we’ve talked in a year and I’m already turning him down before he even made a move.  I knew saying that wouldn’t turn him away though, but I just had to say it because really… I’m not going to date another guy who does that shit, not even casually.   

Lucky and I talked about this today, and discussed how 2 years ago I would’ve been swept off my feet after last night and ignored the major red flag.  Because everything else about this guy is spot on what I like.  He’s hot, he’s the type of guy who looks you in the eye when he talks to you, he’s a gentleman, easy to talk to, funny, smart… blah blah blah… but I’m not going to let all of the things I like about him override the major thing that I don’t like, that would inevitably cause a problem in any type of relationship we had even if it was casual.  So I put a stop to it before it even started.  Which probably won’t keep me from drunkenly making out with him, but at least I’ve already told myself I won’t emotionally invest myself in liking this guy.

So that’s that… I made the big adult decision to not waste my time on a guy that I would probably end it with in 6 months because it reminded me too much of my relationship with Snoop-Linus.  I’m still going to be his friend and hang out with him, but that’s it.   And I know he won’t stop trying to get it to be more, he’s already asked me to dinner (that I declined) and posted on my facebook wall that he had fun (putting it on blast for the world, MWHAHA).

I just don’t know how I attract these druggies.  Don’t get me wrong either, they aren’t like dirty scumlord meth heads.  They are clean cut, cute, frat guy types and I just don’t know what this world is coming to.   Like how hard could it be to meet a guy who is hot and doesn’t want to snort his paycheck up his nose in the city?

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This moment will be gone.

Perhaps you’re all wondering how my weekend in Houston went with my airport love, Matt?

Well, I made it there late Friday night—of course, it wouldn’t be right if I didn’t get stuck with a few travel delays, right? But Matt happily greeted me at his apartment with a “YOU’RE BACK!!” And promptly fixed me a Grey Goose and soda, with a fresh squeeze of lime.

I was nervous, but more so, very hungry.

He wasn’t sure what good place would be serving food at 10 p.m., but we hopped in his Jeep and headed to look. We stopped at the first place we saw—a trendy sushi spot. He knew I love sushi from the stories I told him about my trip to Gizzy’s house.

He, however, had never tried sushi, but said he was ready and willing. So, we went in, got a table and drinks (we drink the same thing…sigh).

He told me he would eat whatever rolls I picked out, so I picked several different ones and that was that. I showed him how to hold the chopsticks and we were ready to roll (hehe).

When the rolls came, we attacked, and I was so impressed with how he ate (and enjoyed) the raw stuff with the sticks, like a champ. From there, we went to a little mexican bar, but it was hosting a private party, so we were onto the next.

We each had a beer, but he wanted to go somewhere where there were more people. So we went to old faithful—the bar we went to last time. There, we had plenty of drinks and talked until the bar kicked us out. We talked about work some, talked about our families, and talked about how we met, once again.

We headed back to his apartment, where we made more drinks and sat on his couch watching the latest on Casey Anthony (Case Anth, as Matt likes to call her). And then, he turned my head and we kissed.

Ok, and then we made out.

I’m not sure how long we were there, but eventually he asked me if I was ready to go to bed. Since it was 3 am, I’d been up since 6:30, and had gone to bed the night before at 3:30 (had to see the midnight premiere of Harry Potter!), yes, I was ready to go to bed. But, of course I didn’t know if he meant “go to bed” as in, have sex.

Either way, we went to the bed, and continued making out. Naturally, clothes came off, and I was mentally prepped to just go for it…until…(as Trey says on Sex and the City) the sails died.

Umm…it was awkward. I rolled over and was ready to pass out, but Matt refused.

“No, no…this is not happening,” he said, getting up and putting his clothes back on. “Let’s go have another drink.”

I didn’t know what was going on, but I followed him back into the living room as he made another cocktail. I grabbed a beer and we sat on the couch. At his request, we played a game of 20 questions.

The questions were random, about jobs, family, first sexual encounter, dream city to live in, favorite foods, favorite brands, opinions on marriage…etc. We shared some pretty intimate things—I told him I was insecure about my family and I was scared I would never get married or have children. He told me he had just gone through a breakup “literally” just before he met me.

Red flag. And I was even more nervous.

But at 6:30 am, we decided to give up and actually go to sleep. In the morning, er, afternoon, we headed out to a pretty cool bar for brunch and bloody marys. He said he had a pretty bad headache, but I was feeling pretty good.

Although, since we had talked so much the night before, I wondered if we would have much to talk about that day, or for the rest of the weekend. After our delish meal, we headed back to his apartment, with plans to hang out at the pool.

However, once we got there his headache was still bothering him. He said he just wanted to lay down for a bit, so I kicked my shoes off and joined him in bed for a little nap. And another failed attempt at sex, of course. He blamed it on nerves, and I was nervous too, but I didn’t know if that was it or not.

So we went to sleep for a few hours—much needed nap. Luckily, when we woke up, the sun was still up and we went down to the pool with a cooler full of brewskies. There, we had a good time rehashing the evening, and people-watching…and talking about reality TV. All while slamming some beer. It was a good time.

We were trying to figure out what to do that night, as it was nearly 8 pm already. He was hungry, but didn’t want to drive since we’d already drank so much. I told him I would be happy with pizza or anything easy.

So we went inside and he said he was going to jump in the shower. I was digging through my purse when I heard him turn the water on, then he opened the door and asked me if I wanted to join him.

Sure! So I did—and it was a pretty hot shower (figuratively and literally) but, um, still no sex. Yeah, I was feeling pretty unattractive at this point.

After the shower, he asked if I was cool with a frozen pizza. Absolutely! So he made the pizza while I got myself looking halfway decent. The pizza was ready, and we found a movie on TV to rent, so he asked if I was cool with just hanging out.

“Oh yeah,” I said.

“You sure?” he said. “I hate that I don’t have more cool things planned for us.”

“No, seriously, I’m perfectly happy on the couch.” And I meant that. I’m not someone who has to go out every night to have fun. Besides, I was there to visit him.

Naturally, we both dozed off on the couch, but I eventually woke up and asked him if he was ready for bed. He said yes and we got into bed. But, as I dozed off, he got up. I heard him go into the bathroom and then into the living room and turn the TV back on.

I was a little worried, so I got up to see what was going on. When I opened the bedroom door, he was on the couch, wearing his glasses (looking sexy) and typing on his laptop.

“Whatcha doing?” I asked.

“Working…I couldn’t sleep,” he said. “What are you doing?”

“Seeing why you left me alone…”


I turned and went back to bed, leaving the door open. I laid there, wondering if he really couldn’t sleep or if he was upset with me, or if he was not having a good time, or if he was frustrated at the failed sex…

He eventually came to bed, but didn’t touch me. In the morning, he moved closer, but it just didn’t feel the same.

When we got up, he offered to make me breakfast and I happily accepted—two fried eggs and raisin toast! So yummy, and sweet.

Before long, I packed up my things and left. I didn’t want to overstay my welcome. And I didn’t even know if I was welcome anymore. Our goodbye was as casual as our hello—a hug and a simple kiss on the cheek.

When I got home Sunday night, he sent me a text to make sure I made it.

And I haven’t heard from him since.

(“To Gizzy’s house” will continue tomorrow…)

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Bi-polar ex

I went out to get pants shitting drunk. Again.  And all hell broke loose.  Again. My phone has never blown up so much in my life.  People don’t call me to wish me a happy birthday, but if they get word that I’m getting drunk it’s, OH the entertainment has arrived.

Monday night I get a text from Merdie telling me to come over and drink tequila with him and his roomies, I say that I can tomorrow night, so it’s a plan we’re blacking out on Tuesday.

Tuesday comes and I get a text from Texas asking if I want to go out. Well of course, come one come all.  If I’m gonna pimp myself out I better do it right.  Then, my friend Chuck (who is a girl) tells me she is coming up and acts gay but says he’s straight friend Adam and her other friend Barbie are going to join in on the festivities.  ALRIGHT! Now we have a fucking party.

So Chuck, Barbie, Adam and I are at my place taking shooters like it’s our job, waiting for Merdie to get off work and give us the green light to come over, which never happened (bast!),  when Texas texts me and says to come over and take shots with them.  So we do.  It’s all kind of a blur but since my mouth tasted like someone pooped in it this morning, I can imagine we were combining all sorts of alcoholic treats.

About 11:15 we all stumble out of Texas’ place and into our favorite drinking establishment, Snakes, when Chuck pulls me into a booth and says “GIZ!!! LOOK WHO IT IS!!”

I look up and see none other than bi-polar ex.  Oh this night just got interesting.  Some background info on bi-polar ex:

He has the name, bi-polar ex, because he is for reals bi-polar.  At least that’s what the word on the street is.  He never told me anything about it, but I have heard from more than one source if he doesn’t take his meds it is bad news bears and things will get broken. Icaramba.

Chuck and Gigi had a 4 bedroom apartment a few years ago with only the two of them living in it.  They put an ad on Craigs list looking for 2 female roomies, so Mercedes and I moved in, and when we moved in bi-polar ex was subleasing Chuck’s room for the summer. So there, that’s the story of how I met Chuck, Gigi, and bi-polar ex and a slew of other characters who I’m sure will come out of the woodwork in due time.  If I had known the injuries, broken hearts, and shattered dreams that would occur because I lived in that apartment, I still would’ve fucking done it.  Best year of my life.

I have no bad blood with bi-polar ex, he’s actually one of the more decent guys that I dated.  We were never officially together so when I got word of him making out with some fat troll at a party there wasn’t much I could say; other than to say nothing at all, and quit talking to him, which is exactly what I did. And for the past year and a half he has badgered every single one of my friends, probing them for info on what’s up with me, all while he has had a serious girlfriend, Katie.

So here we are shooting the shit with bi-polar ex and his bff, texas and his bff, and my gay but says he’s straight friend, waiting to meet up with snoops friends, if HOTTIE would have walked in the door I think I may have had a heart attack.  There was way too much sexual tension in the room for one girl to handle.

So Texas tells me he’s too fucked up and has to go home, thank the jesus lord because bi-polar ex is getting drunker by the minute and is starting to drop bombs like, “I really fucked up with you,” and “You’re the only girl that’s ever given me a thrill.” To which I respond, “I don’t think your girlfriend would like you saying those things.”  Then he reveals that things aren’t going so hot with his girlfriend and he doesn’t think it’ll last much longer.  Ya ya ya…. that’s what the guy ALWAYS tells the stripper he’s about to fuck at his bachelor party.  Come on.

Fast forward to the end of the night, I look around and no one is left from our group except yours truly and bi-polar ex.  I’m close to blackout status once again because he keeps buying us mind erasers, and I know it’s only going to worse from here on out. And it does.

“You know, I  knew you were the girl I was supposed to marry the first time I hung out with you.”

Actually I do know you feel that way because you told all my friends and they told me, mind you the first time we hung out was nearly 2 years ago when I was 23 and a raging drunk (not much has changed), and I was throwing a broken tv off of my balcony, just to hear it shatter. But I remind him of the awful things I used to do to him when he would fall asleep, I’m worse than a frat brother, not to mention at one point in the evening I walked out of the bathroom and my dress was totally tucked into the back of my underwear.  No one told me, I figured it out when I started wondering why I could feel the leather from the stool on my bare ass when I knew my dress nearly drug the ground.

Yes, those are temporary tattoos.  I am too fucking lazy to cut them apart.  A funny story about these temporary tattoos.   You can see there are google eyes in there.  Well, Mercedes was dating this scrubby guy at the same time who would always ask her to have sex doggy style.  Which she is strictly a starfish kind of girl, so I talked her into letting me put google eyed temporary tattoos on her ass so when he pressured her to do it doggy style she could say OK then just before he stuck it in he would see some creepy eyeballs looking back at him.  It was a smash hit, for us anyway.  The scrub hated it but I laughed my ass off when I heard him scream “WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT!?” and bolted out of our apartment.

Not only would I, his psuedo girlfriend, do things like this to him every single time he passed out on me.  I would also let my friends partake and spread the wealth.

After the marriage line and reminding him how many times he threatened to pee all over my apartment after the pranks I pulled on him, I look over and he is down on the ground on one knee saying he’s serious and asking if I will marry him. I can’t make this shit up people, my jaw dropped and I said, “Fuck!!! Get off the fucking floor you fool, you’re gonna get gangrene on your knee!” He gets up and tells me he is dead serious and if I would even CONSIDER giving him a second chance he would dump Katie and never speak her name again; and if I don’t then I’ll always be the girl that got away.

He rambled on for a good hour about how sorry he is for making out with the fat troll at that party, how he was so immature and partied too much back then and didn’t realize what he had until it was gone.  He took the time to list everything he loves about me, bashed on himself and snoop-linus for fucking up the best thing that ever happened to them.  But, that’s what they all say, right? Katie is kind of trollish herself, but from reading what she posts on his wall she seems like she has a mediocre personality. My guess is that it’s not going well because he cheated on her, he wouldn’t give me any deets, but I know these assholes like the back of my hand. OR maybe it’s not going well because every time he sees one of his ex’s he pulls this shit, I mean he was hugging me and kissing my forehead the entire night.  I told him it was inappropriate and he’d be in deep doo-doo if any of his gf’s friends saw, but he didn’t care.  He even tried to hold my hand.  How romantic.  Gag.

Chuck started texting me saying she was done shoveling pizza into her face and she would ride this bike she found with 2 flat tires around my parking lot while she waited on me to get home.  My friends are the most special people.  She wrecked it of course, so I had to book it home to doctor up, Chuck “Bloody Knees” Smith.

Bi-polar ex offered to walk me home, so off we went.  We got about halfway back to my apartment when he stops me in the middle of the street and says he can’t go any further because he’ll want to come in.  I mean, last I heard don’t I have to invite him in? That never happened, so I don’t know why he was getting so debbie fucking downer about it because I wasn’t about to let anything happen, but I just rolled with it and said ok.  Then came the water works.  I don’t know if he was actually that upset that he lost me or if he is just that desperate to get laid, but I mean I’m 25.  I’ve seen it all.

I couldn’t even get in the door before he was calling asking to come over, I told him no and that he should see where things go with his girlfriend, if it didn’t work out then he could call me but I didn’t want to be a factor in them breaking up.  I’m not a home wrecker.  Plus his parents are polish and his mom scares the bejeezies out of me.  If she likes this girl and he dumps her for me I will be scared she’ll pound me with her iron fist or try to scratch me up with her mustache.  He went around and around for another 20 minutes feeding me the same bullshit he had been all night and sending me texts that say, “I miss you.”

The liquor was starting to set in on me, I don’t remember replying but it was in my sent box so I guess I said, “I’m not saying I don’t miss you or that I do, but boundaries.” This text makes sense, kind of.  When I dated bi-polar ex I notoriously would send him super weird creepy texts when I was blacked out, so I guess he is probably used to it, but the kid brings out a different side of me.  The best one ever being, “You’re missing out on an upstairs romp session where they paint their necks with the bowl-skier.” Whatever in the hell that means.  If I have a moment where I start thinking I am too cool for school or any of these faggots I read that text message to bring myself back to reality.

He replied about how even before all of this he knew I was the girl with a hook and that the selfishness in him wants to be with me.  I think I should seriously consider touring the United States talking to high school girls about lines that guys will try to pull to get you to sleep with them, AND if they’re desperate enough they’ll poke holes in the condoms so they can get you forever.

I woke up this morning to find that I had posted this on his facebook wall:

Apparently, to me, an overweight monkey wearing a jean jacket is just HIL-ARIOUS at 4 o’clock in the morning.  I’m really working on the monkey issue but unfortunately there isn’t psychotherapy offered yet for a monkey addiction.  And if I drink? Well, you see what I do.

All in all, the stuff was really nice and made me feel good. And if I hadn’t been shit on by every single guy I’ve ever dated I probably would’ve bought it and woken up with him in my bed.  What’s really good to know is that even when I am bordering a blackout I still have my wits and can smell bullshit from a mile away.  He has been texting me all day trying to take me on a date, to get margaritas and tacos.  The kid knows me too well to know that I will never turn down an alcoholic beverage, especially if it is paired with a tiny corn envelope!

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