Tag Archives: thanksgiving

Extra Extra Read All About It: Single loser is FINE with being single, the world is ending.

Did everyone have a fantabulous Turkey Day?!  Mine was awesome! Mostly because I had 5 days off work, which by the way, all apologies for being a slackass on the blogging last week.

Anyway, on to the good stuff… does anyone remember my top 5 worst dates?  Remember #1 aka the worst date I’ve ever been on? The one where Stepdad’s sister and her husband took it upon themselves to set me up with a guy from their church?  Well, they’re at it again.

I hate going to Stepdad’s family events to begin with, it’s uncomfortable and I’m the only non-blood relative.  Don’t get me wrong, they’re all extremely nice welcoming people, but they’re not the family I grew up with, so I don’t know if I’ll ever be 100% myself around them.  But, I hate going to his family events even more because at every gathering his sister is sitting next to me trying to think of all of the eligible bachelors she knows that she could set me up with, insert alcohol and lots of it.

Normally, her efforts fizzle out because her husband finds something wrong with the guy and stops it before it can ever start.  Usually, she’ll name someone off, look at her husband for approval, and he’ll go, “No no… he’s got AIDS.”  “No, no… he has a kid.”  “No, no… he does drugs (just my type)” etc, etc… and after they’ve successfully embarrassed me in front of the whole family (that isn’t mine) I never have to hear another word about it and I can stuff my face in peace.

This Thanksgiving started off seemingly normal.  We all sit down to dinner and as I’m shoveling turkey into my mouth with no intention of ever looking up I hear her start in, “What about Jared for Gizzy?” I look up out of the corner of my eye through my turkey haze waiting for the disapproval from her husband when he said the words I never wanted to hear, “Yeah! Now there’s an idea!! That would be… yeah! Good thinking!!”  FUCK. 

So my #1 pet peeve is when everyone in a room is looking at me.  I get all hot and start to blush and it’s just not good.  Then it makes it even worse because someone always calls me out on blushing.  In this case it was Stepdad going, “Oooo look at Gizzy, you’re embarrassing her!”

So Stepaunt is like telling me all about this guy, how he’s sooooo attractive, he’s 30 (run!), has a good job, he’s their nephew, lives in the south (mind you, I do not live in the south), he just bought a house, he likes to go fishing, he’s so nice that he flew his brother to the south just to go fishing with him, and when he came to visit them he folded up his blankets, and even made a bed he didn’t sleep in.  Wait a tick, did I hear your nephew in there?  I know it’s not incest, but I am only 26, should I be so desperate that I’ll start dating within the family? Now, I appreciate a guy with good manners, who is nice to others, and who has a job, but I just figure they don’t really know my taste in guys seeing as they’re 0 in 1 with the setups thus far.  And he lives like 1000 miles away, and he’s your nephew, so like WTF.

Then, while we’re sitting there at the Thanksgiving dinner table she gets out her iphone and starts plugging away trying to find a picture of him.  I thought I was in the clear and it was over with when she couldn’t figure out how to search for someone on facebook.  Then, one of my bratass stepcousins had to go and show her how to find him.  So they pull up a picture, the guy wasn’t unattractive; he just wasn’t the type I’m typically attracted to.  In all honesty, Lucky might like him; his looks are a cross between bastard cheating ex and her ex that lives in Japan, a frat boy/outdoorsman if you will.  Now me?  I’m on the opposite end; I typically go for the little scrawny guys that you wonder if they might actually be gay.  For some reason, I have it in my head that guys that look like that will be nice, they never are, and they’re usually the biggest assholes ever.

Anyway, what was I supposed to say?  Sorry he’s not my type?  Typically I go for a cross between douchebag and gay?  I said, “Ohhh yeah he’s cute!” Then it was time to pass the phone around the table for everyone to see.  Stepdad made a comment that he looked like one of my other cousins, which is disgusting.  And my mom was all, “Ohhh yeah, he’s reaaaallly cute! Maybe he’ll fly you down to see him.  And you can be like, let’s go see my aunt in Florida, but she can’t meet him before I do so I’d have to fly down and meet him too.”  THANK GOD, someone chimed in and was like, “Now let’s not marry her off just yet.”  But Stepuncle all night was saying he was going to make it happen, he was going to give this guy a call and tell him to send me a message on facebook. 

AS SOON AS we got home my mom was like, “Well Stepuncle and Stepaunt’s nephew sounds really nice and like he has a good job, I hope he messages you!”  This also seemed like the perfect time to shatter my mom’s dreams of me being a normal suburban girl with a husband, a family, a dog, and a minivan, “Yeah, so I think I’m going to move to Los Angeles.”

That was pretty much the end of that, I got to work Monday and had a facebook message from the guy, “Do you happen to know Stepuncle and Stepaunt? They said I should message you.” 

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Things I’m Thankful for on Our 2nd to Last Thanksgiving

With Thanksgiving just a week away most people are planning what dishes they are going to prepare for dinner next Thursday, planning where they’ll be spending this joyous holiday, who they’ll be spending it with, and maybe even what they’ll wear that will allow for an extra spoonful of stuffing, or 6.  

In years past, the week before Thanksgiving Lucky and I would’ve been on the phone together into the wee hours of the night complaining about how much it’s going to suck to be single for yet another coupley holiday.  This year is different though.  For once, we’re both content with being single and could care less if we were in a relationship or had a significant other to be thankful for.  Honestly, I’m thankful for myself.  That’s right, I’m thankful that I have the motivation to drag my pathetic single self (not my words, but the words of those around me who assume I am a cutter because I’m single) out of bed every morning to go to work.  

Which brings me to the next thing I’m thankful for:  Myself again.  I’m thankful that I have the willpower not to bitch slap my boss across the face every time she tells me to do something I’ve already done, so that I can keep my job and continue to bring home my poverty level salary.  I’m also thankful that my office decided to close at noon the day before Thanksgiving, also known as the first day I have taken off in a year.  Oh, I’m getting my half day back, I’m get.ting. it!

I’m thankful that someone important at work vetoed the idea of making a Thanksgiving tree that we cut out outlines of our hands and write 5 things we are thankful for on the fingers.  No I am not joking.  And no I do not work with children.

I’m thankful that I have the decency not to murder (whoopsie, forgot this is a family holiday) tie Anth to his bed in his sleep for not understanding that I bring home a poverty level salary and can’t afford things like maids, food, or underwear.  I’m thankful that after having the decency not to murder tie Anth to his bed in his sleep because he assumes I make more money than I actually do, I also have the common sense not to murder  tie him to his bed in his sleep for leaving crumbs on the kitchen counter and a sink full of dishes right before he leaves for a week and  a half.  

I’m thankful that there are enough crazies out there that think the world is actually going to end next December that I can be sarcastic with what I’m thankful for this year and save the real stuff for next year right before we’re all blown to smithereens.  I’m also thankful that those crazies inspired the movie 2012 because it’s really good, and I like it a lot.

I’m thankful that Zac Hanson kind of still has long hair 

And he still looks really good, and he’s wholesome.  Which means that at 12 years old I had better taste in men then I do now.

I’m thankful that I used protection the last time I had sex because having to feed a 10 month old baby before I could feed myself next week would really put a damper on my holiday spirit.

I’m thankful that solo cups aren’t see thru so that I can still get sloshed at Thanksgiving and no one will know since Grandma forbids drinking alcohol.

I’m thankful that there was an episode of Jeopardy last week that had a lot of fashion questions and now my roommates and their friends think that I’m really smart because I got them all right.

I’m thankful for my whirlpool bathtub, even though it takes 45 minutes to fill up and by the time it does I’m kind of over it, but those 2 minutes I actually sit in it are heaven.

I’m thankful for my vision so that I can look at hot guys like Alexander Skarsgard. I’m also thankful for Stelan Skarsgard for creating Alexander Skarsgard.

I’m thankful for these thingys that keep me from putting holes in my walls

I’m also thankful that they’re kind of fun to play with

I’m thankful for Forever 21 for having reasonably priced clothing, although their return policy blows donkey.  On the flip-side, I am not thankful for Bally’s Total Fitness/Bally’s Sports clubs for having 2 separate types of gyms and for not telling members that if you join total fitness you can’t go to the sports clubs locations even though you only want to use the treadmill and the location of the sports club is more convenient for you.

I’m thankful for my future puppy, Marshmallow Fluffy Butt, for being so cute

And um, I’m thankful for my family when they aren’t razzing me about not being married, my friends when they aren’t razzing me about not being married, our readers (always), and, uh, my health.  Lets eat bitchesssss.

 

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Happy Holidays, you’re divorced!

Please tell me I’m not the only one devastated over Eve Longoria and Tony Parker getting a divorce?! What the hell? In fact, I’m so upset over it, I stayed home from work today. Just kidding, believe it or not, my boss gave me a comp-day because of all my hard work lately.

HA!

Anyway, back to Longoria and Parker. I mean, she is like the hottest old lady ever. So if she doesn’t stand a chance, who does?! According to my MTV News alert, it all started with some rumors that Parker was cheating (argh! bastard!), so Longoria filed for divorce. THEN, Parker gave her a little shocker (not the good kind) by also filing. I don’t understand how this works, but whatever.

Apparently it has something to do with their prenup, but if Parker cheated, then I’m certain he violated the prenup (where is Gizzy, the lawyer here).

In other news, I’m traveling to meet up with Buttons and Gizzy this Turkey Day, a usual tradition. Most people are shocked to find I don’t spend this beloved holiday with my family, and am with my friends instead. Not to get all emo on you, but in the last few years, I’ve learned my friends really are my family, and my family pretty much sucks.

So Thursday morning, I’ll be flying out, on my way across the country at 6 am. This is my preferred Turkey Day flight time, because I want to get there in time to eat as much as I can. Of course.

But this year, I’m fretting a little bit over all this drama the TSA has caused. Now, I’m all about airport and airplane safety. Like most people, I’m not ready for my life to end and I’ll be damned if it ends because of some pysho with a lighter wearing bomb-panties.

I am always cooperative, I try to hurry and put my things in the bins and remove my shoes and coat, etc. But I hate it when the TSA presents me with these fucktard rules. Ahem, the liquids rule. I understand someone blew up a plane this way or something. But limiting my liquids to a ziplock bag doesn’t prevent shit. Unless of course, there is some kind of technology that seals the ziplock once the wheels pick up and then releases the seal once we are back on the ground.

Which is not the case. Therefore, I could still stuff enough damage into my ziplock to take care of things. And NO I’m not a terrorist. I’m simply saying that some of these rules don’t make sense. Just say no liquids.

I am usually accused of having a fake laptop. Even though it goes through the scanner, they always ask me if it’s fake.

WELL OFFICER, LETS TURN IT ON AND FIND OUT, SHALL WE?

Like yes, I shaped a giant brick of coke to look like an Apple laptop (complete with logo). Christ.

I understand we have to go through these measures, but while you’re accusing me of having a fake computer, someone is shipping printer explosives. Priorities, people!

So now, there’s all this hooplah over the scanning machines and pat-downs. Really? I don’t give a shit. You want to see me naked? I’ll get on the plane wearing nothing, I really don’t care. You want to feel me up with the front of your hand, go for it, because I haven’t gotten ass in six weeks, feel free to pinch a nip while you’re at it.

Just as during sex, as long as you don’t shove anything up my ass, I’ll be fine.

This morning, I haeard TSA was banning underwire bras, which sent me into a frenzy. What other kind of bras are there? My boobs are huge, there is no way I can go without an underwire and I refuse to! So, I looked up the prohibited items on the TSA website, just to be sure.

Here are some of the prohibited items:

Box cutters, ice picks, knives, meat cleavers, swords, baseball bats, hockey sticks, bows and arrows, cattle prods, throwing stars, fireworks, tear gas, and snow globes (among many others).

I mean really. The scary thing is, you know they created these lists because some jacktard showed up on a plane with a cattle prod, on his way to Texas. Geez.

Anyway, I’m not going to refuse the body scan, and I pray to the glitter Mary that I won’t have to be pulled aside for a pat down, simply because of the horror stories I’ve heard (see: prosthetic breast, colostomy bag).

I’m thinking of just showing up naked, thoughts?

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1 day until the devil’s season begins.

Autumn is here.  I can already feel myself slipping into depression – I didn’t get out of bed until 5pm today.   Which has been my plan for the last week and a half, today was a “personal” day where I did nothing but personal things all day long aka rolling around in my bed until the sheets are balled up and I can’t move to the point where it starts to piss me off.  But, autumn sucks.

Lucky enjoys this time of year because where we come from the air gets crisp, you can open the windows and smell the stench of dead leaves and sewage, and before they all fall to the ground they are kind of pretty.  BUT, when it turns to winter you will witness a 4 man circus out of the 2 of us.  So this is a warning post.  It might be different for Lucky this year since she is dating Matt but in years past come November 1st we both become slightly suicidal and look for tips on the best way to sharpen a razor blade.  So we need to be monitored closely.  It’s the holidays.

Especially New Years Eve.  I like to get so drunk that I forget who I’m with, what year it is, and how old I am (not to mention that I’m single) and in Lucky’s eye’s December 31st doesn’t even exist.

Typically after that we’re all good until February 1st and it’s the same thing with Valentines Day.  Drinking, crying on the phone to each other, bitching about all the romantic dates our taken friends are going on, and eating greasy food until the hamburgers slide off our faces.

Don’t get me wrong, Christmas and Thanksgiving are no peach pie either when we are giving “Thanks” to God for granting not one of our prayers and buying Christmas presents we would have asked significant others to buy us for ourselves. But, NYE and Satan’s Day are by far the worst. Lucky has even gone so far as to send me a “Happy Singles Day” card on said black holiday.   Also, I purchased a tiny happiness Buddha to send to Lucky last Valentines day and a card with a grandma laying on the beach on the cover that read, “Happy Alcoholiday,” (sorry Luck, you made up with lying cheating bastard ex so I didn’t send it.)

Anyway, you get my drift.  If anyone would like to become a designated caretaker for the next 6 months: cocktailsattiffanys@gmail.com

We pay in Chuck-E-Cheese tickets and hugs.

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