Tag Archives: tv

The Rise and Fall of Crack Day

This past week I got to be the dumper instead of the dumpee.  No, I wasn’t lucky enough to dump an actual guy. I dumped Starbucks, and left it crying on the curb like a little baby.

You see, I haven’t always been a coffee advocate.  After hearing about the Pumpkin Spice Latte for literally the past decade, I decided to give it a try this year.  And then I became obsessed, and then it was all I talked about, and then I got my mom, my aunt, and my 9 year old sister obsessed too and we would have PSL parties on the weekend mornings and run around for the next 6 hours like crackheads in a crackhouse. And then when we came down from our high we would tell each other that we looked like crackwhores. Because we did. Sunken, tired eyes, aimlessly wandering around trying to remember what we needed to do before we drank the PSL. Yes I know, I am a horrible horrible person, I got a 9 year old addicted to espresso. But what the fuck ever, Italians let their kids drink espresso and they turn out all right.


jersey shore

Right?

Then I found this food challenge I wanted to try. It’s 30 days long and while you can have 1 cup of black coffee a day, we all know that the PSL is no where close to being black coffee. So I had to quit. Lucky suggested that I just straight up eat espresso beans like a fiend, but I think for the sake of everyone else I’ll just stop with the coffee all together. 

So that brings us to the breakup. You see, Fridays were my crack day. I would wake up with a shit eating grin on my face every Friday, first and foremost because it was Friday, but also because I got the crack on Fridays. My PSL and my cinnamon roll.

cinnamon heaven

(I’m convinced that in Heaven people swim in PSL and have cinnamon roll pillows.)

Each Friday I would get to work throw my shit down and skip off to Starbucks without a care in the world. After a few weeks my co-workers started to notice that after returning from my coffee run, I would ping from the walls for the next 4-6 hours and get absolutely no office related work done. I became a different person, I was a sociable spaz and told people (everyone, separately) in the office my opinions on things like cloth diapers and flavored beer. No one cared, but they loved it. After about a month of said behavior, when I would come to work on Fridays some would chant, “Crack day! Crack day! Crack day!” The pressure became too much, so when I decided to do the 30 day challenge I had to break it to everyone that the coming Friday would be my final crack day.  They cried, but they’ll get over it. Eventually.

When I went to Starbucks for my Final Crack Day, I broke the news to Jake the Barista (Baristo? What the hell do you call boy Baristas?) that he would not see me for at least the next month, possibly forever if I could withstand it, and that I really appreciated him always warming my cinnamon roll to the perfect temperature, hot enough to melt the frosting but not so hot that it burnt my mouth.  Jake was sad to see me go, he even drew little sad faces on my cup. But at last, we parted ways.

And that is how I dumped the PSL and cinnamon roll. The best relationship I’ve ever had.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Meet my new kitty!!

943720_10151398530986434_1159808051_nI got a new cat!

If you’re a longtime reader, you know that last summer, I suffered a major loss when my beloved orange cat of 10 years suddenly passed away due to cancer.

I never thought I would get another cat, or any pet for that matter.

I donated all of my previous cat’s items (except for sentimental stuff) to a local shelter a little more than a month ago, and started looking at the cats they had posted pictures of on their Facebook page.

I saw several cats that were cute, but my mom told me to be on the lookout for The One. She said I would know.

She was right.

One Sunday I was looking at an album of new kitty pictures, when I saw a litter they named the Golden Girls litter. Each kitten was named after a character from The Golden Girls (there’s even Stanley).

Have I mentioned that I watch the Golden Girls everyday?

944729_10102300771402695_415425103_nBlanche is my favorite character, so I checked out the cat they named Blanche…and she looked like the cat I had when I was 2—a tortoise shell calico. So. Freaking. Cute.

I immediately jumped on what I needed to do to adopt her. I visited the shelter. I met up with her foster mom. I waited. And waited. Filled out papers. Did the interview. Completed the home visit. Paid the money. And finally, finally, she arrived at my apartment last night.

She immediately got right at home enjoying the new things I bought for her, leopard print food and water bowls, cat bed, and even took a polite piss in the hot green litter box.

Blanche Hollingsworth-Devereaux is quite a rowdy Southern Belle, but I am happy to have some company in the apartment again.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The Jersey Shore Replacement

I would imagine I’m probably one of the only (if not THE ONLY) of my friends that still watches MTV religiously.  It’s sad, but I love it.  Anyway, I have been really looking forward to the new show “Buckwild”, about a group of friends living on the countryside in West Viriginia.  The commercial that really sucked me in was one where a girl is shooting a potato gun and says, “This is how ya make ‘tater salad in West Virginia.” I think I laughed for 6 days, and said that same line to everyone I know for the next 2 weeks.
 
So last Thursday was the premiere and I couldn’t have been more excited.  I was supposed to go out with a friend that night, but thankfully it worked in my favor that she didn’t text me to go out until 10:15 and I was already snuggled up in bed laughing my ass off. 
 
In the first 2 episodes, “The Girls” get evicted from their house for being too loud, one of them punches a crazy neighbor in the face, that same girl bitches out one of the other girls AND one of the guys for banging in her bed, all the guys want to bang the pants off of “The new girl” – one of them succeeds, “The Girls” move into a new house where they have no neighbors, they all go ‘muddin’ whilst drinking warm beer – get stuck and while waiting for a tractor to come pull them out the girls mud wrestle, then they go swimming in the power plant water – which they deem safe because they’ve swam in it 50 times and only gotten sick twice, then they make a pool out of a dump truck where one girl offers to jump in topless if the guys will pay her $100 – she does it, and they don’t pay her, of course.
 
I was really sad when the Jersey Shore ended a few weeks ago. Why? I don’t know, I can agree that Jersey Shore was one of the stupidest shows ever, but I watched it every. single. week. And just when I thought I was going to have to go back to watching educational tv (LOL), MTV did not fail me, and put a replacement show right up to par in that 10 o’clock slot.  Touche MTV, touche.
 
P.s. I miss my broom closet.  I can’t remember if I told you all about how I got a promotion a few months back.  This promotion brought me out of my then office that was a made over broom closet.  It was small and there were 2 of us crammed in there, with tables as desks and no drawers to put our things in, but at least it was quiet.  Now, I’m in a glorified cube out in our main suite with the rest of my team.  To my right, I have the girl that has the cackle heinna laugh, and to my left is the lady with the foreign accent that talks in an unbearibly loud tone.  Sigh..
Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

Oh, goodmorning!

So I dropped the ball a lil bitty today by not being able to crank out a post.  You know what? It’s okay though, because what I’m about to show you will totally make up for it.  

A few Saturday’s ago about 3am I was sleeping when I heard a text come through on my phone.  I smiled in my sleep because I WANTED it to be a drunken text from high school crush telling me he loved me.  Instead it was a from a number I didn’t recognize, and the body of the text said this:

If anyone knows this girl, or knows anyone who knows this girl, please apologize for me.  Clearly, at 3am she sent this out to who she thought would’ve been a late night booty call.  Unfortunately for her, I’m the one who received it, passed it around to all of my friends, and am now sharing it with the world.

Good day.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Who’s The Boss?

BBM Conversation between Lucky and Gizzy on 12/20/2011 11:17 PM

Lucky: There’s a time for love and a time for livin so take a chance and face the wind
Gizzy: An open road and a roaaaaad that’s hidden
Lucky: there were times I lost a dream or two, found a trail, and at the end was you
Lucky: There’s a path you take and the path not taken…
Lucky: A brand new life around the bend
Gizzy: The choice is up to you my friiiiennnd!
Gizzy: We really just did that

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

The night I FINALLY hung out with HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH… Part 2!

So the night with High School Crush continues… Last time on “I can’t believe this is my effing life right now!”: High School Crush might like me, because he wants to hang some more.

We made our way through the crowd to bar #2 – you know I had to do the classic grab on to his arm dealio to make sure we didn’t get separated.  At one point I thought we might hold hands, but then I realized we aren’t 14 anymore and I shouldn’t let teenage Gizzy’s dreams get the best of me.  Because goddamnit, that little brat got all the action!  I could only imagine the kind of scrutiny I’d get from all my friends (especially Lucky) if I reported back that I made my move and we just sat around and held hands all night.  Because that’s what I did with my boyfriend in middle school.  We didn’t talk, we just held hands and it was like OMG – did you see us holding hands for like 5 hours? Our hand sweat totally made sweat babies up in there.

Anywayzzzz…we got to bar #2 and HSC bought us all drinks and we basically started sharing our life stories.  Honestly I can’t even remember what all we talked about, I just know neither of us would shut up.  Alcohol is the best invention EVER.  At one point I was telling him about how I’m over the big city and I need to find a place that doesn’t have a babillion people runnin’ round.  And he was all oh where are you going to look – so I named off a few cities, including the one he lives in.  He freaked out being all omg yes you have to move to my city, that’s the only option, don’t even waste your time with the other places.  I do like the city that he lives in, but really him and my high school ex boyfriend are the only people I know that live there, so that would be weird.  And I’m only gonna move there if we can get married or if Lucky moves with me.  It’s kind of a crap shoot on if anything would even happen if we lived in the same city, unless we started dating and did the long distance thing for a while.  I wouldn’t even feel totally comfortable moving there right now and relying on him to just be a friend to hang out with.  Who knows what he’s got going on in that zip code.

Finally his friend got a word in and made us all start reminiscing about high school.  Which made me really nervous.  Like I thought I might vom, in my head I just kept thinking, Please do not mention the time I threw up on you, please do not mention the time I threw up on you. And he didn’t.  Instead they questioned me about Lucky hooking up with one of their friends in high school.  HAHA.  It’s honestly mine and Lucky’s favorite story because it was the closet freak and we’re like yeah he’s all talk and Lucky was all, “Shit man, I’m gonna do it.  Take me over there.”  So I did, and they hooked up on the side of his house, while I circled the block, and it is by far the funniest thing that ever happened.

About this time Betty asks HSC where he’s staying, he said he didn’t know yet but probably with his friend or closet freak.  Then she leans forward over me and whispers into his ear, “We’re going to be leaving within the hour, if you want to come back with her that’s fine, it’s your decision.”  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?! I acted like I didn’t hear what she said because I didn’t want any part in it.  I’m sorry, but we are 26 years old – I don’t need you to invite guys home for me.  And secondly, if we wanted to hook up we sure as hell wouldn’t be going back to do it in your daughter’s midget bunk bed. 

So I looked at his friend and then his friend says to me, “So Betty said you wanted to come here because your ex was here?” I thought I was going to kill her.  I played it off an was like, “Whaaaat? Who?” and he was like, “Oh maybe not.” But I do recall when Betty said she wanted to go to bar #2 I said to her, “You know who we’ll probably see there? Douchearoo, that’s like his spot.” And she was all for it because she thought he would buy us drinks, and I’m like no I don’t even want to talk to him.  Seriously, Betty can never be around a guy I like ever again.  Next year I’ll go to the party alone if I have to.

Anyway, HSC and I chatted for a few more then Betty said they were going to get the car.  They’d circle around and if I wanted to come back with them I should come out when they pulled up.  There was really no question – I told her I was coming back with them and not to leave me. She said if I didn’t come out she was assuming that HSC and I were going somewhere.  So the fact that she would just leave me there is really reassuring, what a great friend.  Again, we are not in college, we are not 19, and at this point if something happens between high school crush and I it’s probably going to be the start of a legitimate relationship, I don’t think either of us are really looking for a hump and dump.  So step off!

I said my goodbyes to the friend and told HSC I had to go, and he honest to god had a really disappointing look on his face.  I mean, we still had 30 minutes before the bar closed so I was upset about it too, but what can ya do?  Then, we hugged and had one of those moments where you’re like, do we kiss? Is this weird? We just stood there at looked each other, it felt like it was about 6 hours even though it was probably only like 5 seconds. 

Just as I was about to walk away HSC grabbed my arm and was like, “Hey what are you doing tomorrow? Do you wanna get some food and watch the games?” Uhhh yeah I do! So I said yes and left.

Not 5 minutes after I left he was already texting me about how he was excited to hang out the next day. 

….To be continued! Part 3 coming Tuesday! – I’m so lame.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Wack-a-doodle-doo

Chello kids.  In case anyone was wondering, Anth and the girl that stood him up rescheduled their date for Friday – so no funny stories to report on that mess, BLAST!

 

Today I need to discuss a serious issue.  Whore houses.  I’m pretty sure my neighbor is running one, and the right and left sides of my brain are having an all out civil war trying to figure out what to do about it. 

 

When I moved in with the boys last February they sent out an email to all of their friends inviting them to our super bowl party, and when they described how to get to our townhome in all seriousness they said:  “1234 Main Street Unit 5, 2 doors down from the whore house.”  I guess people were supposed to be like, “Hrmm… Main street… hmm… where is that?  OH the whore house, ok got it.”  At the time, I had only been living there for 2 weeks so I didn’t know what whore house they were referring to or if they were secretly talking about me in code with 35 of their closes friends while I was CC’d on the email, so I just left it alone.

 

Let me first say, our neighborhood has been described as “Posh” by the British man Betty forced me to bring home.  Our house is not posh, but the neighborhood is.  And for those of you that don’t speak British, that means nice.  So to me, it was rather unlikely that there would be an actual whore house on our block so all talk of the whore house the first 5 months I lived there got filed away in my brain.

 

When summer rolled around I started to notice random whorish looking girls hanging around outside of the condo 2 doors down looking like they had nowhere to be but on their backs. I took that and the comments with a grain of salt since I had never seen the person that lived in the apartment.  One night, I’m getting myself all tucked into bed around midnight when I heard someone right outside my door saying, “Marcy…Marcy…Marcyyyyyyyyyyyyy I need youuuu!!”  This was when I lived in the dungeon so I wasn’t about to flip on the light and find some cray cray staring in the window at me.  In the morning JM had told me he heard it too and was looking out his window and eventually saw the person go in the Whore House.   That was enough justification for me to believe it was actually a whore house.

 

Later that day I googled, “1234 Main Street Whore House” and found, “Marcy, PhD, Sex Addiction Psychiatrist -1234 Main Street Unit 3” AND “Barry’s Salon and Massage Parlor –  A Happy Ending Massage 1235 Main Street”  So I don’t know, this is either really smart or really mean on Marcy PhD’s part, but it explained a lot.

 

Apparently at the following home owners association meeting someone filed a complaint that Marcy PhD’s coo-coo birds were littering in the courtyard and you know having a business out of her home was illegal in the association, but they’d look past it as long as the crazies kept their condoms and their cigs off of the lawn.  Fair enough, right?

 

Everything was all good in the hood until last night when I heard that familiar song, “Marccccyy…. Marcyyy… I need you!!”  Now that I don’t live in the dungeon I had no problem flipping on my light and sticking my head out the window to see what all the commotion was about.  And when I did, I saw a full grown man, I kid you not, dressed in women’s lingerie.  I get that I live in a big city and I do live near the neighborhood that houses all of the gay bars and some of those gay bars have drag shows so I shouldn’t really be surprised to see a man walking around in lingerie.  Except that it was snowing, and it was 4am and we are a good mile from said bars, and he was barefoot, but you know I probably still shouldn’t be surprised because I’ve seen weirder things in my life.   It was a hard argument for me to not call the cops at 4am on this wackadoo, but I thought… you know Marcy PhD is doing a good thing, she’s trying to help these crazies out and if this guy goes to jail it’s not going to help his disease to get gang banged in the butt all night.  Plus, I don’t want Marcy PhD to get kicked out of the association; I need her to stay there in case I ever get addicted to sex.  Right? It’s a reasonable worry for someone who is 18 months celibate.   

 

And then he reached around into his little knapsack on his back and I thought, “Oh good, he’s going to put some clothes on.  I did the right thing not calling the cops.” And he pulled out a big giant black dildo.  Christ.  There are children in this neighborhood! The children man!!  Honestly, this was so cray cray I could’ve been dreaming, I’m still having a hard time believing I actually saw this happen.  I just couldn’t watch anymore, I turned on my fan to drown out whatever noises he would surely be making and went to bed.  This morning I saw trace amounts of red lace strewn about the lawn, I never heard the cops show up so I really don’t care to know what else happened outside my window last night. 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I told ya, baby… I’m a rockstar

Well, the big photo shoot was on Saturday.  It actually went really well for the most part.  I did all my prep before hand – tan, teeth whitening, mani/pedi, facemask… you get it.  Which was probably too much prep because it didn’t seem like any of the other girls did things like that, but it’s whatever.  I think it was good regardless for me to put some time and money into myself, because it made me feel better.

So I show up at the studio and as I’m walking around to the front of the building I see a photographer in the ally taking pictures of a girl sitting on a dumpster.  Oh, so that’s how this is going to be? I walked up and met the casting agent who cast me for the gig and about that time another girl walked up so we went in to get our hair/makeup done and met the rest of the girls.

Let me elaborate on who I was working with here… There was the heavy set improv actress/comedian, the quiet shy stood in the corner and didn’t say 5 words asian girl, the bubbly fun ditzy blonde, the older wise mom type who only spoke when she had something deep and heartfelt to say, the crazy haired urban token wild black girl, the sweet as pie blonde, the gorgeous REAL actress who is on tv, and me, whatever I am, “the new comer”.  

I walked in with an attitude of, “Okay, I can do this.  I’m stepping out of my comfort zone.  I don’t know ANYONE and instead of being recluse and shy I’m going to break out and make some new friends.”

So as soon as I walked in the door I told everyone how me and “sweet as pie blonde” accidently went into the wrong door and nearly got attacked by a giant vicious dog.  Everyone looked at me, didn’t say a word, and then went back to what they were doing.  Oooook, then.

As more people showed up the mood lightened, but sweet as pie and I clung to each other for the first half hour sharing our stories of how we came across the agency and what we wanted to gain from it.  She had been married for 8 years, was in her early 30’s and needed a hobby to get away from her husband and 3 kids every now and then.  The other thing I learned was that I was the only person in the group who is single.  As per usual.

Eventually, I got my hair done and it looked AWESOME.  It was like wavy/curly and beautiful. The make up? Not so much.  I didn’t have a chance to look at it before I had to go get my first round of pictures so I honestly had no idea how it looked, I just knew that the makeup artist layer caked it on.  The thing is, I’ve had my makeup professionally done a good amount of times and not once has anyone been able to do it where I thought it looked good, so I don’t know why I expected this time to be different.  I don’t know if it’s because I typically don’t wear much makeup or what, but because of my dark hair and eyes everyone takes it upon themselves to put the darkest colors ever on my face and those colors just flat out don’t look good on me.

So I went down to the ally to get my first round of photos taken.  When I went to change into the second outfit and looked in the mirror I nearly pooped myself.  The make up was AWFUL.  I was expecting the dark smokey eyes, which don’t look that good on me to begin with, but I knew she was going to do it.  She also put brown lipstick on me.  I just don’t know what would possess someone to do that?  Brown lipstick doesn’t look good on anyone.

Lucky said it best, “They put brown lipstick in samples because no one buys that shit” EXACTLY!

Honestly it looked like I had been down in the alley munching on a big turd.  Really.  So I wiped it off for the second round of pictures and put my pink lipgloss on, which looked better but brown lipstick is hard to get off, so I had turd colored residue on my lips for the rest of the shoot.  I am just still appalled at the lip color choice.  Ick!

Lucky suggested that maybe she was trying to make me look older, which is a good guess because I was the youngest one there, but I just don’t know.  Gross.

Anyway, once I felt like I looked like a human we went on to the beach to do the group shots.  It was pretty chilly and windy, but I think the beach pics will be good regardless.  They did have us rolling around in the sand, and I’m pretty sure there was a funeral going on about 50 feet away, but whatta ya do?

All in all it was a really good experience and I’m glad I did it.  The girl who does the casting was full of good info.  She’s one of those people that speaks what’s on her mind and 99% of the time it’s something hilarious.  She’s worked a lot in Hollywood and has been in a lot of movies and was telling us that she can walk into a room and tell everyone who they’d play in a movie.  I was the love interest/girl next door/secret geeky star wars fan , the wise mom was the smart always wins lawyer, the impromptu actress was the witty barista, the quiet asian was the secret serial killer, sweet as pie was the over emotional too involved mother… and she gave us all a part to play in our shoot too and even offered to let us use her name in the biz, because “she knows everyone”.

What really got me going was while we had a little bit of down time the actual tv actress was yammering on about all of the gossip with the other actors and actresses on the show that she’s on, which I thought was HIGH-larious.  If it were me, I probably wouldn’t have been saying that stuff in a room full of strangers, but being on the receiving end it was pretty exciting.  That is until she whipped around and asked me, “So what do you do? Are you an actress?” To which I had to hide my face and shame at all the other people who actually are actresses and make a living doing it and say, “No, I’m an accountant…”

All in all, it was a good time, I met some nice people, and got my foot in the door doing something that’s 1 million times better than sitting behind a desk with a calculator all day.  SUCCESS!

 

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

When animals in your home attack…drown them in the toilet.

Hello dear readers.  Let me set the mood for this next story… it is approximately 3:45 AM on Friday morning August 12th, my heart is racing and I will not be going back to sleep, ever.  I was just ripped from my sleep by the most unsettling noise I will ever hear, so I have nothing left to do but blog.

Here I am, sleeping my little heart away and it’s 3.5 hours before I have to be up for work when I hear it.  Plastic bags rustling.  It instantly woke me.  I laid here in my bed for a few moments as I listened for it again, and it happened.  I shot up and flipped on my lamp – looked at the plastic bags…nothing.  Then out of the corner of my eye I saw movement in the corner.   And there it went across my floor:

A white mouse.   This isn’t your ordinary mouse.  This is a pet store mouse.  Yep…like one for the snake.  This means 1 of 2 things:

#1.  Doogie left the lid off his snake cage and any moment I am going to see the snake catapult from under my bed to capture his dinner.

#2.  This fucking piece of shit got loose as Doogie was feeding it to the snake and he didn’t tell us.

These weren’t the first thoughts that raced through my head… the first were, what do I do and how do I capture it – preceded by a set of blood curdling screams (to which no one answered).  The following is the only indication that I can semi-handle a situation when under pressure.

I grabbed one of the plastic bags, wrapped it up tight and marched up to Doogie’s room ready to turn the heat on.

That’s right.  The heat is ON mother fucker.  When Doogie wasn’t in his room I didn’t know what to do, should I throw it in the snakes cage, should I take it outside and let it go? Neither of these scenarios seemed like a good idea to my brain that was momentarily made of mush.

This is your brian when you get woken up at 3:30 in the morning by a mouse:

So what do I do?  The next best thing, wake up Anth.  He’ll know what to do.  So I walk down the hall to Anth’s room with the plastic bag extended as far away from my body as possible, knock on his door and say… “Anthony, I need you to help me.”  He replied with an annoyed,  “Ughh…wha-uuuut?!” and I could hear him in there mulling around (probably looking for boxers) for what seemed like 2 minutes, glad we weren’t getting robbed and I didn’t have a gun to my head.

He finally opens the door and I cry, “I don’t know what to do.  There’s a mouse in this bag. It was in my room. Take it.  Get it away from me. Take it away.  Kill it.  I don’t care.  I’m gonna throw up. I’m dying.”

Anth takes the bag and the next thing I see is the mouse climbing out of the top of the bag.  I start with the blood curdling screams again… “WHA WHA WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?? AHHHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHH STOP IT!!! GET IT!!! GET IT!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I’m having a heart attack.  Really, this is what death feels like.”

Anth stood there giggling at me as he threw the bag and the mouse into his and Doogie’s bathroom and started questioning me.  

“Did you find this on your pillow?” He asked.

“This is not a time for jokes, Anth.  I really think I might be hyperventilating.”  I said.  You see, before I moved in this happened once before.  Doogie went to feed his pointless and meaningless snake some mice for dinner and one got loose.  Instead of telling everyone, Doogie didn’t say anything and Anth went to go to bed and found a little friend crawling across his pillow.  I don’t know if Anth went off on Doogie like I am going to, but I’m going to make him wish he was dead.

Anth went into the bathroom to capture the beast and this was when I started feeling my face for new wrinkles that had formed that very second and I realized that I had put a face mask on before I went to bed.  Not your normal all over face mask, this was a spot treatment.  No wonder Anth found the situation so comical.  Here I was a face masked freak, wearing no bra, freaking out over a mouse.

Anth’s in the bathroom talking to himself, thinking he lost the fucker when he found it behind the toilet.  This is when the light bulb in my head went off.  “YES!!! PUT IT IN THE TOILET!!! IT WILL DROWN!!!!”   I had already told Anth I didn’t want him feeding it to the snake because I didn’t trust him to put the lid to the cage on properly and the next thing you know the snake would be in my room choking me out for killing its dinner.  

I’m standing in the hallway taking my pulse as Anth makes sure the mouse doesn’t get out of the toilet and he feels bad for it.  “Aw, poor little guy is hanging on for dear life.”  He says.  “ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? FLUSH IT!!!!” I replied.  So he does, then he starts in with these crazy accusations that he hopes the snake isn’t loose too.  So he goes up, I hear him messing with the snake cage as I stood on the stairs…. “Is it in there? Is everything ok? I can’t look at it.  I’m going to throw up, this is crazy, I’m going to die, I’m going to get eaten by tiny mice and snakes.  I might faint.”  Anth wasn’t replying which worried me.  He finally came down and assured me that the snake was in the cage and everything was intact.  

Anth said he was going to sleep and I walked to my room and began plotting the demise of Doogie.  

Now here it is almost 5am and Anth just left for boot camp.  He’s annoyed with me asking questions about the scene he found in Doogie’s room since I’m trying to be a detective and figure out if Doogie knew the mouse was loose.  Either way, he needs to get that shit in check.  I sent him the following email since he cowered away to his girlfriends for the night:

To: Doogie, Anth

From: Gizzy

Subject: WTF

Doogie.  What the fuck.  Guess what woke me up at 3:30 this morning?  A fucking mouse.  That’s right, I am not happy.  You owe us SO big!! Me for getting woken up by it and capturing it (I may never sleep again) and Anth because I had to wake him up to dispose of it.  Shit listed, Doogie.  Shit listed.

Anth thinks we should tell him he can’t have his girlfriend over for 3 weeks in order to make it up to us.  I’m thinking something more along the lines of he needs to get rid of the snake since he obviously can’t keep it’s live food under control and his roommates are the ones that have to suffer when the fuckers get loose.  Seems fair right?  It’s happened before, it will surely happen again.  When there is a problem find a solution.  Problem:  How to not have your roommates get woken up by mice running around  Solution: Get rid of the thing that eats the mice so you don’t have to buy them.  DING DING DING!! I’m pissed.  I fucking hate men.  The only reason to have a snake is to make up for a small penis to make yourself feel more adequate.  End of story.  

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

FOX stole my life

Did everyone just luuuurrrrveee the JERSEY SHORE last night? I did, I know it wasn’t very eventful but it was a good teaser.  My new goal in life is to get PaulyD to retweet my tweet or write me back.  It’s going to happen.  And when it does it’s going to be… AWESOME!

While watching the Jersey Shore last night I saw a preview for a new show on fox… “The New Girl”  It’s about a girl starting over and moving in with 3 guys.  Sound familiar? Yeah, that’s because it’s MY LIFE!! WTF FOX!!!

Yes Fox, you’re welcome for your new smash hit.  Do blog entries count as a poor mans copyright?  Think I could get them to hire me on as a writer?  Like hey guys, been there done ALL OF THIS! You know what though, I bet they don’t make her live in the basement for 6 months to earn her keep before giving her 4 walls and a door.  I’ll be curious to see how the story pans out, I would put money on 2 seasons from now she’s dating one of the roommates.  We shall see.

What do we think about people in the office who make their email signature look like an actual signature.  For example:

Dear Gizzy:

If you are ever in need of my services please do not hesitate to contact me.  Thank you.

Sincerely,

Pooper Scooper

Executive Director of Scooping Poopies

Personally, I’m not a big fan of it.  I think it’s unprofessional and makes you look like you have a lot of time on your hands.  But I’ve been noticing like EVERYONE that I email with at work does it.  Am I retarded and missed the memo that creating a fake e-signature is in? Like if you’re going to go to this much trouble why not type out the whole GD email in word, print it out, sign it, and then PDF or fax it to me? I just do not understand the purpose of using a different font for their name.  Baffling.  Granted they’re all old and amazed at all the cool things computers can do.  Just know that I had to look up how to do HTML coding in order to make this point and get that handwriting font to show up, so appreciate!  There’s more where that came from, friends.  

The best part of this is that I wrote all of the above about people being big gay wads with their cursive email signatures last night (Thursday) and a few minutes ago (on Friday) we received this email from CFO:

All,

Staff should use an e-mail signature on e-mail correspondence.  We have chosen the standard e-mail signature format below and include instructions to create a signature.  Please create or update your existing e-mail signature to reflect the e-mail standard example below using Calibri font, size 10, black, with no background, color or graphics.  At your department manager’s discretion, you may be asked to include department specific information.

Standard e-mail example

Jane Doe

Department Administrator

Company XYZ

Department ABC

123 Main Street- Suite (your suite number)

Partyville, USA 12345

T (555) 123-0000

janedoe@company.com

Looks like I wasn’t the only one that noticed all the tool bags making us look unprofessional.  Touche my good man CFO.  Touche.

Speaking of work, it’s been far too long since anything embarrassing happened to me while on the job.  Until today.  I’m walking to the copy machine with a pile of $1,000,000 checks to copy and my heel gets stuck in the cuff of my oh so stylish pants, the express flare leg dress pant.  I go to take a step and I felt it happening and said… “OH NO!!!” as I went down using the file cabinent to brace my fall.  It held me up so I didn’t completely faceplant.  But while I’m using all my strength and will to hold myself up using the file cabinent and while simultaneously trying to get my heel unstuck from the cuff of my pant leg a group of businessmen walk by to go to the conference room for a meeting (Little Mikey included) and the old asian man is standing there watching my struggles and asking if I’m ok.  It’s really a wonder that I’m still here and not off in a corner somewhere ugly girl crying.  So this has taught me a lesson, I’m officially too old and too clumsy to try and look stylish and cute while at work.  If I had on my high waters this wouldn’t have happened, or if I had been wearing flats this wouldn’t have happened.  It’s what I get.

Happy Friday everyone!  Thank god.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,