I am going to seriously attempt to write this blog as fast as humanly possible and still try to make it semi-funny, I need to pass out like whoa. I’m also having a serious debate with myself right now deciding if I should write the Captain story or if you guys would enjoy a timeline of what me and my Garmin do everyday. Maybe I’ll do both, I’m feeling kind of frisky, after all I did make out last night (Ooooh foreshadowing. You see what I did there?)
Well twas a weekend full of glorious Captain Morgan promotions and as always, when you got a little Captain in ya, drama follows because it’s someone else’s Captain, yada yada yada.
Friday night the Captain was all over me/semi awkward like, “Oh hi how are you Gizzy, long time no talk. What’s new? Well have a great night!” *Pat on the back* in front of his GF Captain’s Crystal as per usual which made me uncomfortable since our texts went from flirty to sexting last week and it’s like what do I say? Hey thanks for the pic of your bod last week? Sorry my camera doesn’t work and I couldn’t reciprocate but meet me in the bathroom later and I’ll show you my left boob? This is such a disaster.
Between events we were sitting at another girls house watching tv, The Captain left to go home and be attractive and the topic of The Captain and Captain’s Crystal getting married and having drunk pirate babies got brought up. Captain’s Crystal is all like, Ohhh I don’t want to jinx it but yeah we’re getting married, we’re sooooo in love. All while my phone is dinging like crazy with texts from, you guessed it, The Captain, asking me to come over and be attractive with him and hang when we are done with our promotions. I didn’t and we texted until 6am Saturday morning, mostly about cuddling and saying no you go to sleep first, no yooou go to sleep first, no you, no you, pretty standard operation and also pretty 14 year oldish.
Saturday rolls around and it’s me, The Captain, and the Captain’s Crystal working the first event, then just CC and I after that. The Captain sufficiently groped me in front of not only his girlfriend but also a handful of small children. Somehow we both thought it was acceptable because he was in a polar bear costume and no one could see his face. So, Polar Bear Costume + Copping a Feel In Front of Elders and Babies = OK! BY THE WAY, this whole thing is starting to make me feel pretty disgusting because when I was just typing that I was thinking of mascot porn and ewww.
Once The Captain went home Crystal and I sat down for a beer to shoot the shit at a bar where bands play until our next event started. Where she starts telling me how she just bought tickets from the bartender for a band that The Captain loves, (Techno. do dododo dodododoooo.) in order to “SURPRISE THE BF!” I started to feel bad about having sextual relations with The Captain. She is off doing sweet things for him (while yes the rest of the time she is screaming in his face but I am never The Other Woman so obvi I have a conscience but really it’s that I am scared of getting my face beat in by her cave man fist) and here he is texting me non-stop trying to turn the sexting into sexing, sans T. If he cooks my Mac-A-Weenie and cheese for me, I swear I’ll propose.
So Sunday morning miraculously arrives and I am on the phone with Lucky talking about what we think foam finger is up to (fabulous story coming later this week via Lucky) and I tell her that I think I am going to stop talking to The Captain because I am starting to feel bad about it. Not 4 hours later I am running around a dark storage warehouse playing hide and seek with him and making out on top of boxes. I’m a whore. But for reals, no more. I tasted the cake, I did not eat the cake nor do I think I can have the cake so this will be a win-lose-lose situation. I am obviously the winner, coming away with the gold medal in cake tasting. But yeah, the box make out sesh – pretty hot I won’t lie, I’m not sorry for it. Nope.
What I am sorry for is that I am so ungodly tired from taking my long division test at Gargles Swab this morning that I’m probably going to pass out in my lunch. I think Garmin is tired too, she started yammering on in French earlier today just out of the blue and I’m like oh god Garmin don’t die I hear your prayers and I promise we will go on vacay and then if I get this job then we’ll get you a boyfriend, TomTom and all will be right with the world. Christ almighty we’ve had a rough couple of days.
I’m not seriously about to continue on with stories about my Garmin (although I could, she does lead an exciting life) considering most of the people that read this blog are business professionals and not potheads who want to investigate deeper into the life of my walking talking GPS system. God, I am tired. Goodnight errybody!
PS Just received a text from the Captain reading: BOO!
Ohhh we’re getting married. Tehehhe