Tag Archives: war

High School Crush

Gee whiz, sorry errybody, I have been slacking on my posting because my job takes up all my time and when I get home I pretty much face plant into my bed.  It’s a rough life.  Anyway…

The time has come to reveal the story of the high school crush.  Twas the summer before my freshman year in high school when I first locked eyes on HSC, we were taking summer gym and health together learning about periods, squats, and all that jazz. While we never actually talked that summer I was still pretty much head over heels in love with him and it only grew when we got to high school and had the same history class.  That’s right, a full year of high school crush every frickin’ day.  My attendance was perfect that year, not only was high school crush in my class but our last names are by each other in the alphabet and we had assigned seats next to each other.   So we got to know each other more and more and had that innocent 14 year old flirtation thing happening along with note passing and doodling on each others notes.  How presh!

Then he got a girlfriend and crushed my dreams, so I dated his best friend.  Revenge sucka! Years passed and it was our senior year, you all already heard the story of how we made out and I puked on him, that whole thing passed and we returned to school.  The secret was out that we liked each other, but there was also that other pesky girl that puked on him that liked him too.  One day after school my friend Mo sat me down and told me that he liked both of us and he didn’t know what to do.  I didn’t pursue it after that because I wasn’t going to be in a line up of girls for him to choose from, because goddamnit any guy who is going to be with me shouldn’t even have to think about it!! So he dated the other girl, they fell in love and dated through a few years of college and the only time we ever spoke to each other was in passing at parties, where I mostly gave him the stink eye for not chasing after me, and also dumped a bag of chips on his head when he passed out at a party once.  But shhh… nobody knows that.  I have a picture too.  I’ll share it later when he loves me and we can all have a good laugh about it.

The last time I saw him was about a month after my 21st birthday (over 4 years ago), when I was home for Easter and went to a bar with a few friends.  I saw HSC, his parents, and his bff sitting in  a booth.  3 vodka cranberry’s later I went over and sat in the booth with them.  Apparently I interrupted a very deep conversation because as soon as I sat down HSC’s mom points to me and says, “Is this the prostitute you were talking about?” Like christ lady, I know I was wearing wedge heels that strapped half way up my leg but that was in style back then, I mean it was 2006! And I had on a full coverage t-shirt.  Give me a break.

So 4 years passed and when Snoop-Linus and I hit the rocks I made the executive decision to send HSC a facebook message, because he looks good, I look good and I thought we should try and look good together. But instead I asked where the good areas to live in his city were because I was considering moving there after school.  Which was not true at all, just a conversation starter.  Also something we will laugh about at our wedding, you guys can tell the story in your toast if you want.  It’s cool with me.  We exchanged a few messages and the conversation trailed off into the land of lost conversations.  5 months later I got a facebook message from him asking if I ever moved there.  We messaged back and forth, exchanged numbers and decided we would meet to catch up.  Which here 3 months later still hasn’t happened.  With a push from Lucky I decided to text him last night, and this convo between Lucky and myself happened:

G: Annnnnnd sent…..Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

L: Wwahhhhhhh

G: OMG I hope he doesn’t reply, what will I say back?

L: You will say, “I’m a gay wad!”

G: Yeah he’s probably thinking I’m a gay wad for starting a text “hey hey”

L: You said that?

G: I mean I said more but yeah I started it with hey hey.  I panicked.  He’s not responding, is he?

L: Bwhahahahahaha he will respond.

G: I do it all for the blog.  I just cried after I sent that.  This is like a life long dream come true.

L: HAHA!! I think I want him to respond just as much as you.

G: OMG HE RESPONDED!!! I can’t look.

L: OMG OMG OMFG!!!!!!

G: What do I say?!!!!!!! OMG I won’t be in town!!! I have to work that night!! Fuck ballsack!! My life is over!!!!!

L: Lol omg I’m loving it.  Say you’ll be in town for Thanksgiving and in the city Friday if he wants to grab a drink?

G: Yeah that’s good

L: Just feel him out and see if he’s booked

G: Annnnnnd sent! Ahhhhh!

L: Don’t have a heart attack

G: I’m going to write my 16 year old self a letter tonight and tell her, “Don’t worry, you WILL talk to HSC when you are 25.”

L: You totally said you’d be in town Wednesday. (I was forwarding Lucky the convos as they were happening for evaluation.)

G: Ohhhh shit! I panicked again!

L: The ex was texting me wanting to know what I was doing and I was like uhhhh freaking out because Gizzy is texting HSC!!!!

L: I’ve been watching QVC for 3 days.  It makes me so happy, no drama, all happy, everything is so pretty.

L:  Did he respond yet?

G: No 😦 This kind of feels high school again, like how I added him to msn messenger and never talked to him, I’ve had his number for 3 months and never used it.

L: Christ.

G: OMG he’s not writing back! Why did I have to say something about drinking? He’s probably like goddddd she’s such a drunk.

L: Gizzy remember what you tell me, not to freak out when they don’t respond right away.  He could be having dinner.

G: Yeah with a girl, FUCK! He’s dating someone omg.

L: No he’s single.

G: Oh he texted back

L: HAHAHAHA

This went on for upwards of 15 texts until Lucky and I decided it was time for me to be cool and quit freaking out because I was freaking her out.  We texted for a solid 5 hours until almost midnight and officially have plans to meet up on Wednesday.  I don’t think there are words to express what’s going through my head.  I probably would’ve literally peed myself had this happened in high school, we’re talking an 11 year crush and something is finally happening.  All that waiting finally paid off.  I’m the winner!!!! The last girl standing! BOOYAHHH!!!! If this doesn’t work out I really might die.


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#8

#8

Description: 6’0″ medium build, dark hair, green eyes, olive skin, HOT!

Occupation: Inactive National Guard, Elementary School Art Teacher

Fun Fact: He does such dumb things that he makes fun of himself for. (I think he’s my soul mate.)

Did I give him my number?: Not yet, but it’s in the works, I tried to play it cool and not come off like a desperate baboon.

Full story to come later this week, because this guy, is actually a good one 🙂 WAHOOO!!! I hope everyone else is jumping for joy and doing their happy dance.  Because I am, really.  Like a tool.

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CAT vs DDM the unhappy ending

Yesterday Lucky and I got into a heated battle with one of our readers via facebook.  Really, it made quite the entertaining day for the two of us but this guy, who we will call DDM, got his panties all in a bunch over it.  I would just like to add a side note for you readers out there who we love, which is every single one of you except DDM, yes, even you Dennis, we would never do this to any of you; mainly because you aren’t douchebags and you have a sense of humor, and that is why we love you.  HUGS!

Side note* All words that I (Gizzy) write will be in blue, Lucky will be in gray, and DDM will be in brown, the color of shit.

Backstory, who is DDM?:  DDM is a single, 40 something, latin, atheist, customer service rep for DOITT (dept of information technology and communications), wannabe tattoo artist, from Queens. {Sexy}

He has been a pain in our ass since the day he requested us on facebook.  Without further ado, I present to you: CAT vs DDM.

Lets start from the very beginning when I first became agitated with DDM, twas the evening of October 29th when I saw that we had a new facebook message that needed a response:

DDM: is there an actual blog or is it just facebook notes? No link on your fb page. (Yes there is, he’s just lazy.  And stupid.)

Cocktails At Tiffany’s: Yes, there is an actual blog we just have it set up to automatically put up facebook notes. The web address is https://cocktailsattiffanys.wordpress.com/ Thanks for adding us 🙂

DDM: oh yeah, i re-found it and remembered why I forgot it- those balloons? the whole text on the left set up? is that a political statement? I’ll take the notes, lol.

Yeah, you take the notes douchebag.  This pissed me off because, #1 the balloons were there to celebrate our 100th post, faggot, everybody knows that.  #2 the left alignment is called a layout.  Political statement? Even if we were trying to make a political statement what in the fuckity fuck does that have to do with balloons and left alignment? I mean this guy is just an idiot.  But whatever, I let it go and didn’t reply.

The next incident occurred when he commented on Lucky’s pringle post on facebook a few days later:

DDM: 1. I’m starving too- did a cleanse and on the first day of fasting, I can rip a nun’s head off with a well placed tongue lashing right now… 2. No guys, no sex? Well it may help if you posted your picture somewhere guys could see it you might get some interested options.3. Do you hate on preggers because they’re bringing more followers into the world and because having a kid is the ultimate form of vanity like I do?

DDM: you should friend Melissa King for more content, lol

{Who in the fucking fuck is Melissa King? We aren’t friends}

Cocktails At Tiffany’s: Well we would post our pictures DDM but we’re not real into finding dates on the internet, yet! We’re still trying to do it the old fashioned way and get to know someone in person/have the sparks and all that jazz. 
And we mostly hate on preggers/married people because we aren’t and we’re jealous. Kind of.
Thanks for the comment!! – Gizzy (Ed. note: See how fucking nice I was? When I could have easily said hey fuck off you fucking creeper why do you care what we look like? I mean clearly he was trying to date us, clearly. Thanks, but no thanks.)

DDM: my opinion (and historically supported) is in-person meeting and “courting” as it maybe, “getting to know” people for the purpose of dating- is an out of date practice, pun intended? Hormones, intentions, desires, carnal and otherwise impede honest research and retard development of anything destined for success. Usually this is something that can only be confirmed the morning after, if not after a few months, where as the “truth onion” as I like to call it, has a few of it’s layers removed under the guise of “it’s ok not to have to keep up the I’m perfect pretense”. As we know though, for some people, there is no time to drop that pretense, especially if the practice is to lie from the very beginning about who you are.

What? Anyone with access to some sort of decoding device, get to it, and let me know what the fuck this guy is rambling about.  We were talking about online dating and pregnant people right? Then he comes out with this “truth onion” and being true to yourself and talking about retards. This “truth onion” shit will never cease to kill me with laughter. I mean this guy is on crack, he needs to step away from the sharpies.  I just left it alone after that, because honestly where do you even start to address a comment like that other than telling the guy exactly what you think, that maybe he should start shopping for a looney bin.

The last and final incident began yesterday when DDM commented on Lucky’s  post about online dating where she asked at the end for you guys (our loving readers minus one DDM) to write in your questions for the L&G&Shy Guy advice column to which DDM comments via facebook.

DDM

with such lack of real insight, I vote no confidence on asking any life questions, sorry.

I deleted it.  Because, really douchebag? It was at this point when it came to me that this guy has no idea what our blog is about and doesn’t realize that it is a humor blog and that obviously the advice would be funny and that no one should be like, “Well my blogger friend told me to jump off the empire state building because he wants to put it in my butt, so I did.”  And here is where I give kudos to all of you for being intelligent people with excellent reading comprehension.  Kudos guys! DOUBLE HUGS!!! So yesterday, I’m ichatting with Lucky and telling her about the comment and that the next one he leaves (because we all know, there will be a next one) I am going to go off on him and spit some Gizzy fire.  Lucky knows that my “going off” will probably be way too nice so she decided to start a war that we will now and forever refer to as: CAT vs. DDM – The Exile.

I will say, I had absolutely no idea this shit was going on. Had I known sooner, this fucktard would’ve been knocked off a week ago. When Gizzy told me what was up, I just went off. Such is the luxury of hiding behind a fake name, location, and occupation.

First, she swamps his facebook page:

Cocktails At Tiffany’s: Hey asshole! Why did you insist on friending us if all you want to do is insult our writing?

Cocktails At Tiffany’s: FAGGOT

Cocktails At Tiffany’s: too scared to show everyone what a fucking asshole you are?

Cocktails At Tiffany’s: no wonder you are single

Cocktails At Tiffany’s: thinks DDM is a complete dickhole and a beaner!

Of course I’m sitting at home reading these giggling like a little school girl because I never would’ve had the balls to do this but I am oh so glad Lucky does.  Shit really hit the fan when DDM got on facebook and like an idiot started to fight back (prepare yourselves for a novel):

Cocktails At Tiffanys: Hey asshole! Why did you insist on friending us if all you want to do is insult our writing?

DDM: wow the immaturity is insane with you isnt it? You put out the writing- take the critique- holy crap, unfriend me if you cant take it. I may giver you my opinion, but I dont go to your personal page and insut you- so who is coming off like an asshole self professed drunk bitch?!?!

Cocktails At Tiffany’s: I don’t give a shit what you think about our writing, that isn’t my point. My point is why you would waste your time reading our shit if all you want to do is hate on it. I don’t care if you think I’m an immature self-possessed drunk bitch. You’re a fucking dick.

DDM: contrary to popular belief- FB and WP are not simply for kissing each other’s asses. If you consider youself a writer- take the heat. i dont delete or lash back at anyone like you did just now. I respond and counter point- this what you are doing is completely immature and you discredit yourself

Cocktails At Tiffany’s: I’m not kissing your ass, I’m telling you to go fuck yourself.

DDM: God youre stupid or drunk? I’m referring to what you seem to expect of posting your writing- you WILL get criticism and comments that ARE NOT praise

Cocktails At Tiffany’s: Yeah I’m drunk and stupid.

Cocktails At Tiffany’s: Do you realize that there are two of us? And one of us actually is a professional writer? And that the blog is a humor blog? Or are you just too busy trying to come up with snarky comments that you completely missed the meaning of any of the content?

DDM: do you realize that if that is the case, how you reacted stupidly and attacked me on a personal level- when if you FEEL personally criticized, its because you wrote abt personal stuff- YOU put it out there- PEOPLE READ IT, oh my goodness what came back wasnt all praise and smoke up your ass, well thats life, boo hoo I am sorry. YOur pro writer friend will tell you- you dont lash out- you respond, there is a difference

Cocktails At Tiffany’s: We never asked for criticism on our writing or for anyone to critique it. We left it open for people to comment because we share our stories and wanted to hear the stories of others. All you have done is insulted the layout of our blog, told us we are stupid and that you wouldn’t be emailing us for advice because of our “lack of insight,” argued with us about our style of dating. In what way is any of that constructive? This is a humor blog, we aren’t trying to win writing awards or be published, it is a HUMOR blog (do you understand the meaning of humor?) It is meant to make people laugh. The hundreds of readers that visit our blog laugh and comment on daily and do not provide negative feedback, because it is A BLOG, we don’t discuss politics, race, or anything controversial for people to provide negative feedback about. We discuss our relationships and the daily happenings of our jobs, none of which you have constructively commented on. Just because you read it through the facebook page and you’re the only one who comments via facebook does not mean the blog is written solely for you and for you to insult. The professional writer is the one who lashed out at you, she has been published several times over and lashed out because this is our personal blog not a writing experiment. This comment here, and the one before this is from “the self proclaimed drunk.” So kindly, shut up and fuck off.

{At this point, I’m gasping for air laughing so hard}

DDM: now I remember- and I stand by it- with what you write it does not inspire confidence of any relevant or constructive help coming from you. Period. Don’t like it? Try and deal with it like an adult and a writer- not an immature child with a lack of self control and a mean streak.

Cocktails At Tiffany’s: Because it is a HUMOR blog, how do you not fucking understand that? Our readers asked us to start an advice column for them to write in because they wanted us to give them HUMOROUS advice. Do you understand yet? Or are you just that fucking stupid? There is no lack of self control, you don’t know who we are, therefor we don’t give a flying fuck and can and will say whatever we want. You insulted our blog, you’re damned right we’re going to say something and stand up for it and ourselves. And please please tell us we are immature again because that is going to change how we act. That’s called sarcasm, hopefully you understand that better than humor.

DDM: Where’s the joke? Its a humor blog, so where is the comical response? Even that would have been better than the attack, and personal attack at that- that you seemed to think was an appropriate response to a comment from a nobody who reads your blog… You can’t support your argument or justify coming on my facebook page and attacking me. You just can’t. In this stream of back and forth messages, nothing. Nothing but contradiction. Both you, whoever is writing now, the less-than-professional “writer” and the non-professional writer- neither of you seem to get it. I made my point. Several in fact, but it seems youre of the typical female mentality that when your “feelings” are hurt, any response you make, even when way out of bounds, unprofessional, immature, raging, stalkerish and profane- is justifiable because aw poo-baby, little girl says it is.

Well it’s not. Unless the glass ceiling is justified {how is a glass ceiling justified, ever? I think he thinks the things he sees in his head are real.} and women should be held down because they can’t hack it in a man’s world, and you agree with that- then there is no excuse for the reaction you allowed yourself to have to a little itty bitty comment about your blog. I mean are you freaking serious? The rules don’t apply to you? If I reacted the way you did I would be called a psycho- and like I said, if men and women are equals, which I would like to think they are (your example aside), then you reacted like a complete psycho. I’m home chiilin’ and bam-bam-bam, 4, 5, text messages on my phone- blowing it up with insults and personal attacks- all because of a what? Three line comment saying eh, I’m not confident in your advice??? I had to stop what I was doing {playing video games and fondling his junk}, go to the PC and see who the hell was freaking out and how badly.

So which is it? Are you a stereotypical woman who got hysterical over nothing, and we have to excuse you for this apparent handicap and call what you did “excusable under the circumstances” because of your gender… or are you a mature person who lost their shit over nothing and big enough to say youre sorry?

I cant emphasize enough- how if I did what you did, I would be branded all sort of sick names- and I’d deserve it- so how is it you think you can go there?

do you knwo how well you would have come off had you simply said “hmm, too bad you think so” or engaged me as to why I feel that way? Do you realize how good it would have made you and your blog look if you simply took the overly emotionalism out of it and made me engage you in return, made me justify my comment? I might have ended up playing the gentleman and apologizing even, but this way- for-get-it.

{Somehow, I seriously DOUBT this mother fucker would have “played a gentleman” no matter what we would’ve said.}

You claim “humor” and yet- I see no Daniel Tosh-ish come-backs from you, something I could respect! All I see is rage and irrationality.

And I think everyone sees it.

It’s a shame. With every critical comment you have an opportunity to either learn about yourself and your writing, or the chance to teach someone else they are not doing a good enough job in interpreting your work- and you failed at both.

A chance to show me up, change my mind, blown. And what you have done, is only support the sentiment with which I did rather flippantly write that off handed statement.

So how does it feel? To know you acted a fool, embarrassed yourself, your blog, your gender even- on an off handed comment I sincerely didn’t even remember when confronted with your craziness?

In terms you might understand… isn’t it a bit like confronting a guy you slept with for not calling you back when you run into him some time later- and he says to you … “uhm, who are you again?”

I think even in my responses I’ve been ten times more sarcastic and humorous than you claim to be.

Maybe you should pay me, since I got THIS kind of reaction from YOU in just a few words through a comment- imagine what I could do as a columnist!

LOL!

Have fun faux-justifying yourselves ladies. It’s never gonna be OK no matter how many Cocktails at Tiffany’s.

Cocktails At Tiffany’s: Hahaha! Loving the fact that you took the precious minutes out of your day to write a god damn book for us DDM! Fuck, I love you so much right now!!!! Let’s make sweet love and have babies who will be shitty writers and piss off the world simultaneously. Ah, man.

You’re so right, there is no justification for coming onto your Facebook page and personally attacking you. why? Because I don’t need fucking justification!

Just for funsies, I’m curious, what’s a “poo-baby”? And why did you put the word feelings, in quotes?

I can’t tell you how fucking awesome it is that your phone was “bam-bam-bam” blowing up with three messages from two little females who are drunk and stupid. In our world, that’s called everyday life. And damn, that’s awesome that you don’t have a job. Can I get a baller?

And who is this “everyone” that you speak of that doesn’t think we’re Daniel Tosh? Guess what, fuck face? I don’t think daniel Tosh is funny, so whatever that means.

I don’t want to change your mind about us, because this shit, sir, is making my day! Loving it…keep the paragraphs coming! XOXO

DDM: The really funny thing is this response wreaks of back peddling in the face of realizing you went too far by getting racist. With only a few words of critical commentary on your blog you lost your shit, and no amount of LOL’s or XO’s are going to make you look any better than the racist scum you lowered yourself to be to try and get a rise out of me. If I can say anything about myself, it’s that it would take a lot more(obviously) to get a rise out of me than it does you, and when it happens, I wouldnt lower myself to using racist epithets in reference to those I debate with.

Cocktails At Tiffany’s: Good for you, DDM.

Here was a different convo happening simultaneously, LOLZ, did I mention how much I LOOOOVE LUCKY!? Cause I do. {aw shucks!!!}

Cocktails At Tiffany’s: no wonder you are single

DDM: unlike you – I’m single by choice honey, if you read as much as you wrote, and then some, because your writing is quite lacking- then you might see that is the case

Cocktails At Tiffany’s: You don’t know me, faggot.

DDM: i dont claim to- IDIOT

Cocktails At Tiffany’s: You just claimed to know why I was single.

DDM: beats all you get racist on your Facebook page though. Proud of yourself I hope, the lows to which you’ll go as a person, as a woman, and disgracefully you call yourself a writer, all because of a negative comment on your blog.

And then there was this facebook chat that Lucky started with him too, oh it gets better guys, you just hold on to your britches…

Cocktails At Tiffany’s: Faggot

DDM: advice is advice, commentary is commentary, critique is critique- I prob commented, take a chill pill

you came to MY PAGE and insulted me?
wow
thats like me reading the paper and going to the offices and spitting at the first person I see
do you KNOW how out of line you are?]
you could have simply unfriended me
had you done ANYTHING ELSE I would have wanted to keep reading your stuff
but this “angry bitch” kind of response, when one wasnt warranted at all- YOU WROTE AND MAKE IT POSSIBLE TO COMMENT
wow
Cocktails At Tiffany’s: lol I just saw this comment from earlier
DDM: dude, learn to read “angry bitch” kind of response is referrential to the type of response- not to you personally.
Cocktail’s At Tiffany’s: i didn’t say anything about that
DDM: And no matter what- I didnt get racist
Cocktails At Tiffany’s: I never said you did
DDM: Talk abotu wrong on top of wrong
Cocktails At Tiffany’s: okay
DDM: i hope youre proud of yourself racist
Cocktails At Tiffany’s: haha
DDM: truly ugly
Cocktails At Tiffany’s: yeah
DDM: and i DID liek your blog actually, but youre an ugly person inside if this is how you behave
Cocktails At Tiffany’s: okay 

Thanks for the shoutout on your blog 🙂
DDM: no link
Cocktails At Tiffany’s: still, thanks!
DDM: yeah, and your welcome, I’m sure its the KIND of shout out you need, being exposed as irrational and racist
Cocktails At Tiffany’s: All press is good press, right? 

DDM: too bad one of us lost their dignity so soon in the game 

dont run for office, lol
that screenshot of your page will make me famous
Cocktails At Tiffany’s: for real, it just might! 

I think I should run, at least it would spice things up a bit
DDM: in fact, let me find out if your editors would like it 

i see why you dont post any pictures now, when you cant control your mouth abnd you get racist on people- good reason to protect your anonymity
Cocktails At Tiffany’s: it’s just because I’m ugly
DDM: you should have used your wit earlier- and kept the racism inside
So here I am slaving away at my new 9 to 5’er when I get a text from Lucky saying DDM reported us to facebook, wordpress, and posted like 10 links on his facebook page about how we are racist from every type of social network out there, they all said the exact same thing:

Racists at Cocktails at Tiffanys
What’s the appropriate response to a racial epithet? Because a person’s parents are Latin, is calling them a “beaner” any less offensive than the N word? I want to know what Latins, Latinos and Hispanics think of this, and in the meantime, go to an FB page for a blog called Cocktails at Tiffanys to see this kind of casually racist bigoted thinking in progress, they recently told me (after racially insulting me) any press is good press, so they wont mind your comments- They have a blog on WordPress too- but should they?

I mean really?! For the record, we aren’t racist.  And if Lucky hadn’t called him a beaner his psycho ass would’ve taken something else we said and ran with it. Honestly, I said beaner just to be an ass. I’m for realz NOT a racist! I thought it was funny…Which by the way, he has gotten 0 comments on.  But anyway, just to say we said it, we aren’t racist, regardless of the status that Lucky put on our facebook, “Home of the racists, just call us George Bush!” And of course he posted something on our wall about how we are racists and yada yada yada and we fought back and then he was all go away and I’m all uhhh you’re commenting on our page dude how about you take your own adivce and fuck off? But he didn’t he came back and told us to get a life, cause clearly we need to but he is the one that keeps coming back for more and is dead serious about it all so I finally told him to stop being a sexist pig because we would never apologize and adios senior (yes not racist, just funny to piss him off even more.) Because have you all noticed how many times he brought up that we are women, and stereotypical women, and psychos? This guy has issues with women REAL BAD.  I mean who cares, call us white trash cracker whores, we would laugh.  So not only did DDM not delete any of this from his facebook page, then he write a blog about it, allow me to paraphrase so he doesn’t sue us.

He starts out with a little intro about how bloggers should handle their commentary and yada yada yada he supports constructive criticism and would never lash out on a reader for giving him negative feedback blah blah blah.  Well we wouldn’t either, except that his feedback was insulting us and not feedback about our writing or the content. Then he rambles on for 2 paragraphs about how his lazy ass was sitting on his couch playing black ops all day long when his phone starts blowing up and how he thought it was because his “ex found the page he devoted to her after the breakup” …umm yeah.  I don’t even need to say anything except that we’re working on finding it.  Then he starts talking about how he made a comment and we raged on him and how he is a Seargent of his black ops video game and won’t take this kind of defamation in front of his digital troops.  Then he rambled on some more about COD and geeked out about his belly button lint.  Then he started in on how if he behaved like us how facebook would shut him down and he’d get called a stalker and a psycho, right because you clearly are, and you’re 40 something, and we’re 25 so um… yeah.  Then he ranted some more about COD and how we ruined his whole day of fun.  Then he says some more stuff like he has in the past that makes absolutely no sense, “In one of the responses I made the analogy that what they did is the equivalent of a person reading the newspaper and going to the offices of the paper and spitting on people in the office- it’s just way – way out of bounds.” I just don’t get at all how this relates to spitting on people in the office? This guy is such a wack job.  If we didn’t hate his every existence we would link the blog for your reading and laughing pleasure but we do, so we’re not.

So, have a great weekend everybody. If you read all this, you deserve a prize—although I will say it is fucking funny! We’ll try to stir up some more drama this weekend, maybe we’ll buy some ouija boards or something.
Oh and for the record the final score:
CAT (Cocktails At Tiffany’s, in case you’re slow) called DDM a beaner ONCE, DDM made sexist comments toward CAT 15 times.  CAT WINS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Captain’s Quarrel

I had this awesome dream last night about me and Channing Tatum.  We were both soldiers leaving for Iraq.  We had both been eyeing each other before we boarded the plane, but this plane was like a super plane and we had bedrooms and 1 roommate.  Alas, Channing Tatum was my roommate.  But what! What is this? Our room only had ONE BED, and it was a full bed so we had to share. At first we did the appropriate respectful thing and slept head to combat boot.  But then I felt bad because every time we hit turbulence he would hit his head on the metal footboard so I told him if he wanted he could turn around and lay the same way as me.  So he did, and we made out, and then he started being cute and telling me about all my mannerisms that he had noticed since we boarded the plane like when Tad Hamilton recited all of Rosalee’s different laugh’s to her in Win a Date With Tad Hamilton but really they were the laughs that Pete had noticed. And I was like OMG Iraq is the best! And then I woke up and I was super pissed because obviously there was about to be a killer sex scene but you know, you can’t get any in real life so you sure as hell aren’t going to get any from Channing Tatum in your dream.  I kept replaying what I could remember  from the dream while I tried to fall back asleep in my head hoping that we could pick up where we left off but it never happened.  Sigh.

I believe I may have unknowingly gotten myself into a love triangle this past weekend and now I am scared of getting caught and I haven’t even really done anything wrong, yet. So I’ve been working Captain Morgan gig’s like none other.  I get paid $25 an hour so why not dress like a hooker 2 nights out of the week right?  I’ve been working in a nearby college town with a crew that I have met but never really worked with.  Typically when we’re working a Captain event it’s 1 captain, 2 Morganette’s, and a manager.  Well before I came along this girl, we’ll call her Crystal because it’s a trashy name, had always been the manager but now I was signing up for the manager and she was having to dress like a hooker.  However, Crystal dates the Captain for like 3 years.  They are 22 so it’s not like the forces of spiced rum and a horny pirate brought them together.

So last week Crystal is texting me getting all shitty because Captain is worried about the events that I am managing going well because they think I am inexperienced and don’t know what I am doing.  I hate to break it to them, but I have managed more events and been with the company longer which is why I AM THE MANAGER, so they should step off and learn a thing or 2.  I told her not to worry about it and just to show up dressed in her wench’s uniform 15 minutes before they were set to go on.  I had to go to Captain’s apartment and pick up some things for the event because he refused to mail them to me so we spent some time shooting the shit before we left for the event.  Friday night goes magnificently.

Saturday night it’s, me the Captain, and another girl Smashley working.  Smashley calls in and when I tell the Captain it’s just me and him he gets a little too excited and asks me to come over and drive us both to the event.  So I do and the event is a bust, there’s 5 people in the bar so we do our spiel then we sit down to have a drink since we have to stay there for an hour and he’s all over me.  We go back to his place I change, he tells me if I want to stay and go out tonight I can stay at his place.  I say maybe next time because I have no clothes.  I leave.

I’m about halfway home when he starts texting me asking if we can hang out next weekend because he likes me yada yada yada and we text all night Saturday night, all day/night Sunday, and already today.  Normally I would never come between a couple but I have heard that he is afraid to dump Crystal because he is afraid she will beat him.  Crystal is not nice and also a raging bitch.  She’s about the same size as Captain (and he’s not small) BUT she is gorgeous.  I have also heard that Captain has cheated on Crystal before and she caught him, and told all of the girls we work with that he was “actin’ up”  this scares me because I never heard how she caught him.  She might go through his phone, in which case I am a dead girl walking.  I haven’t done anything wrong, yet.  He is the one that has been making the inappropriate comments and asking to hang out.  AND if I do decide to hang out with him I will ask him what is going on between the two of them.  But, I kind of don’t feel bad because she is such a bitch and treats him horribly.  I’m not looking to date him because he’s kind of a dumb dumb but he is hot so I would throw him a few make out sesh’s.  We have gotten to know each other a little bit and have a few similar interests and I am starting to think he might be bi-sexual or maybe just a huge metro or maybe he is just sensitive I have no idea, but…

These are the things I know about Captain:

-He is creepily into chick flicks.  Especially those with Isla Fisher.

-He has a hobby of fidgeting with car stereos (and has graciously offered to fix mine.)

-He loves Halo.

-He’s into vampire movies, that he watches with a minimum of 1 light on.

-He calls himself a nerd.

-He doesn’t drink unless he is going out with a crew of at least 4 people.

-He has a weird asian roommate named Raymundo.

-He sends out texts that he thinks are deep.  Ex: “If you never stand for anything your going to be sitting your whole life.”  – “Your” dumb dumb.

-His mother taught him to never go through a woman’s purse, yet he went through mine anyway (with permission.)

-He thinks men with Australian accents are sexy.

-He whole heartedly believes that oreo’s will make anything better.

-He hates people (maybe we are soulmates.)

-He own’s a white faux fur winter hat.

-He thinks that “liar” is spelled “lier.”

-“House” is his favorite t.v. show.

-He can grow a beard in 3.5 days.

Now, take these Captain fun facts as you will.  I’m not sure what to do with them yet, but I will take diligent notes from here on out of any encounters I have with Captain and Captain’s Crystal.


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