How to get [a date with] Lucky.

I’m sick of dealing with blockheads, so I’ve taken it upon myself to offer up some advice.

1. Don’t be a loser/crazy ass/psycho. I just cannot deal. If you’re trying to get with me, you need to check yo-self before you wreck yo-self.

2. Stop looking at my ass. Yeah, I know, it’s freakin’ amazing. And you know what? Everyone knows that. No, seriously, I’ve heard that just about every day since I was a freshman on a dance team in hot pants. I got it from my mom. Get over it.

[Your mind]

“Damn, guh dat ass is too fat.”

“OMIGOD, REALLY?!?!! Never heard that line, look how clever you are, LET’S BANG. NOW.”

[The reality]

“Damn, guh dat ass is too fat.”

“Thanks… die.”

3. Learn social norms. [see tip #1] Sending me texts that don’t warrant a response do not warrant another fucking text, that in return does not warrant another fucking response. Sending me texts that are dumb do not warrant a response.

You: About to eat lunch.

Me:

You: You still wanna go skating?

Me:

You: I guess not, lol.

Me:

4. Get to the point. I don’t text just to text. I have a life. I am not sitting around waiting for you. I don’t particularly care how your day went or what you’re up to, so figure out why the fuck you are texting me at 9:30 p.m. when I’m trying to watch Buckwild.

[9:44 p.m.]

 You: Writing poetry tonight?

Me: Nope.

5. Make a plan. As mentioned in tip #4, I have a life and am not, nor will I ever, be sitting around waiting for you. Want to see me? Then make a fucking agenda. That involves choosing a time, place, and travel arrangements for dinner and asking me if said plans fit into my schedule.

6. Grow a pair. When it’s time to present me with The Plan, pick up the phone and call me maybe. Or hell, maybe when you see me, you could ask me in person.

7. Get creative. I am almost 28 years old. This is year 12 of dating. I’ve kissed nearly 100 guys, slept with a number that’s not yours to know. I’ve heard every line there is. I’ve dated every asshole that has walked this earth. I know all of the games. So pull something new out of your ass.

You: What you doin’

Me: Watching a movie.

You: Oh, you lonely, I should probably come over.

Me: Nope, not lonely.

You: Yeah, you are. I know you.

Me:

You: Maybe not.

8. Be better than me. I am completely independent. I work 40 hours a week as an editor, another 20 as a freelance writer and blogger. Some weeks, I work extra as a teacher. Other weeks, I volunteer. I am also amazing at kickball, cooking, and being funny. I can drink you under the table. I am not going to be impressed that you know how to tie your fucking shoes. Get a hobby.