Hot Girl Summer

Ya’ll trying to date during this pandemic SUCKS! Surprisingly, I have dated more during the pandemic than probably ever with 4 first dates in about a year, but it’s still been hard. Now that I’m fully vaxxed and things are reopening, it got me thinking about how fun dating was back in the day like in high school/college when I would go on a date with anyone who asked and went into it with no expectations, just a shared meal, movie, or round of putt-putt with someone. So I decided to date like that again this summer, even though I’m 36, and dub it Hot Girl Summer – because why the eff not?! My mom recently passed away and I’m really not in the mental headspace to date someone seriously, but fun? That I can have.

Back in December I joined Tinder and I got a lot of matches and talked to a lot of guys, as you may remember from QuaranTinder, but that was really just a trial run because I heard Hinge is really where it’s at. So once I was actually ready to start going on dates in May, I downloaded Hinge and got to swiping. Within a couple of days I had my first date scheduled for that weekend. We’ll call him The Quiet Guy, he is 29 and hot and I tried my hardest to avoid all of the get to know you questions he was trying to ask me during the days leading up to the date so we’d have something to talk about. We met at a nice restaurant, ordered a bottle of wine and had a decent conversation – honestly it was a good first date. He seemed like a nice guy, reserved and quiet, DEFINITELY more mature than me, but didn’t really seem all that fun. The other caveat to my Hot Girl Summer is that it is not the time to get into a relationship, it’s a dating multiple guys, having a super fun time all the time type of summer and this guy just wasn’t that. I’m OK with being the more fun person, but I need guys who can let loose a little bit this summer. I think if I brought this guy to Beer Olympics with my friends he would probably tell me how immature we are, even though we’re 7 years older than him, and refuse to hold me up while I was taking my turn at doing a Louisville chugger.

Anyway, I’ve got a doctor, stand-up comedian, teacher, mountain man, romance novel model, and a guy who promises to be reassuring in the queue, so Hot Girl Summer is still on track. I told all of my friends about my plans for Hot Girl Summer and Gigi and Betty were supportive of it, but are really just ruining my buzz every time I tell them about someone by trying to over analyze them and their suitability for me. “The Teacher” is very clearly self-absorbed, most of his photos are shirtless selfies, but he is truly one of the hottest human beings I’ve ever seen, so good for him. This is what Hot Girl Summer is all about, not whether or not he will be a good long term boyfriend. So my Hot Girl Summer escapades are going to be aired out here since we’re just starting and I’m already about to lose it if I hear, “He won’t be good long term,” one more time. In the words of Kyle Cook, “SUMMER. SHOULD. BE. FUN.”

Here’s what I know about the guys currently in the queue:

The Doctor, 29: Right now he is probably my favorite. We’ve only exchanged a couple of messages, but his photos do show a fun side, he’s really witty, and lives in my neighborhood.

The Stand-Up Comedian, 31: This guy is really tall, like almost 7 feet tall. So if we went on a date, it would be comical because I’m 5’4″. I really don’t know if this one will go anywhere though. I made a joke a few days ago asking if he does stand-up comedy in public or if it’s just an at home in front of his dog type of thing and haven’t gotten a response yet.

The Teacher, 30: As I mentioned before, this guy is probably by far the most attractive guy I’ll ever come across in real life or on an app and he does seem very fun based on his profile and Instagram. We just matched this morning and have yet to talk, so we’ll see how the actual conversation goes if/when it happens.

The Mountain Man, 36: This guy is really cute and one that is actually the same age as me, but we matched on Tinder when I first joined back in December and he never responded to my lame pick-up line on there. So when he invited me to start the chat on Hinge, I simply said, “I already started the chat on Tinder and you never responded. I’m pretty forgiving though.” Well, that was 2 days ago and still no response, so this one might be a bust too.

The Romance Novel Model, 35: This is another verrrrrry attractive guy, so much so that he’s been on the cover of multiple romance novels, which I find highly entertaining. We’ve made a pact to read one of them and share our thoughts, book club style, on how we think the author portrayed him as the character. For being super hot, this guy actually seems to have some substance to him, but it’s been a few days since I’ve heard from him – so this might be another one that disappeared into the dating app black hole.

The Reassurer, 29: This guy’s profile is actually really cute. In it he promises to give reassuring hugs and says that he’s loyal and kind-hearted, and I believe it. We just matched today as well, so there’s yet to be a conversation, but we’ll see how it goes.

So we’ll see how this weekend of Hot Girl Summer goes and we’ll meet back here next week!

The Welcome Back Party

Herrooo old friends!!! I’m going to be totally honest and tell you that I have no good excuse for going AWOL for a hot minute. Lucky and I have been talking for a few months about resurrecting the blog because we’re both kind of in the same place in our lives and we’ve got some things planned in the next few months that will probably be semi-entertaining to read about, so we thought better now than never! I just know I really haven’t been up to much the last couple of years and my life would have been SO boring to read about, unless you’d love to read about me trotting around the country drinking with my friends or recaps of Teen Mom and The Bachelor, in which case – I’m your girl!

After the whole Nutter Butter breakup and my failed attempt at dating a super-hot guy fresh out of college 2 years ago, I decided that I was tired of guys treating me like I was disposable and dating needed to be my last priority, so I stopped dating. It wasn’t long before it became really apparent to me that when you’re in your late 20s and you stop dating, that also means you stop having sex (side note: that doesn’t mean I didn’t TRY to have sex. I did try, with a really hot guy in the Navy that I met while I was out celebrating my 29^th birthday. It is surprisingly hard to get a guy to just hook up with you and promise to never call you again.) When I came up with this plan I was about to turn 28 and hadn’t been without a guy since I was 14. I was serial dating all the wrong guys, knowing they were the wrong guys, but continuing to date them because I didn’t know how to be alone. And, what girl in her 20s doesn’t think she can rid a guy of all his bad habits? The stuff that I let those douchers get away with doing to me is so shameful, and I finally realized that if I didn’t take the time I needed to figure out who I was without a boyfriend, I would continue to date these awful guys and would probably end up married to and then divorced from one of them. If this is the part where you expect me to tell you that I finally met Prince Charming (See: Neal Bledsoe), then look away now, because that didn’t happen. I’m still single, but more stable and [I would hope] able to make better decisions. And when I say “better decisions,” I mean in the long run, I’m totally not opposed to bad decisions that are short term/one night stands with hot guys because… 2 years.

Also, this isn’t a post about self-discovery. I mean, come on, look who you’re talking to here: I’m still totally inappropriate and get way too drunk with my friends, albeit a lot less frequently now that we’re maturing. I’m still not really sure what I want to do with my life, but I finally realized that I’m not going to figure it out by dating assholes that cheat on me and have the audacity to manipulate me into thinking I deserved it. LOLZ – the fact that those things ever happened is so stupid, but it makes me pretty happy to know it’s all documented on this blog.

The whole “I’m not dating at all” concept is perplexing to basically everyone I tell. All my friends and family have tried to set me up so many times, like SO many times, these last 2 years and would then get super offended when I turned down the offer because they don’t understand why I would choose to be alone while I’m in my prime baby making years. Uh, maybe because guys are man whores and I don’t feel like being emotionally drained and worrying about STDs all the time? I don’t know! I’ve ruined a few friendships with guy friends who thought this stint of singledom would be the best time to finally ask me out. I know telling someone not to take it personal is almost always bullshit, and it is still total bullshit in my case because of course if the perfect guy came along (See: Neal Bledsoe above) I wouldn’t have turned him down, but I wasn’t about to waste my time or theirs when I already knew I wouldn’t be that into it. I’m pretty sure my family thinks I’m a lesbian (as long as Neal is still out there that’ll never happen) since I’m not married and don’t have a bunch of babies, because that’s what you’re supposed to do when you’re from a small town. My Grandma sat me down for a serious conversation a few months ago about getting artificially inseminated so I could have a family, there’s a cute guy at her church she thinks would do it – and by do it she meant jizz in a cup, not actually fuck me. My guy friends that are married have been pushing me to stay single for as long as possible and live the good life, because once you get married it’s a long road of misery, or at least that’s what they tell me. I overheard my Stepdad telling some other family members that it (my love life) will all be okay because I’ll be able to start catching guys on the next round. What’s the next round? Oh it’s just all the guys that got married and popped out a bunch of babies when they were 22 who are now 30 and getting divorced. Exactly what I want, a divorcee with a bunch of babies. Real talk, it’s kind of fun watching everyone squirm because they can’t figure me out. But, I’m almost ready to start dating again, like seeing one more Nicholas Sparks movie alone and then I’ll date anyone with a pulse almost ready.

P.s. As of today, Neal Bledsoe still has not approved my facebook friend request, but I’m okay with it. A few months ago, after 4 ½ years of persistence, he finally acknowledged my existence on twitter. Small victories.

P.p.s. We just got Instagram: Instagram.com/cocktailsattiffanys

I HAD A DATE!

Yes, you read that correctly! I went on a date—a BLIND date—Friday.

Since dating D, I’ve only been on one date…and it wasn’t so great (not horrible, but we didn’t go on a second date).

While I’m not in a mind-space of thinking that I necessarily need a boyfriend, I am starting to get bored with myself. Like GOD, can I just leave the apartment once in awhile? Or go and get dressed up for drinks, or something?

So, I jumped at the chance when one of my girlfriends from college sent me a text saying she had a friend she thought I’d be compatible with. I trust her, and she’s got great taste…besides, I had nothing to lose, so I told her, yes I was down for it.

I didn’t really think it was going to happen—not saying she’s a flake by any means, I just didn’t know how serious she, or this guy, was. But about a week later, he sent me his name and asked me out for dinner and drinks via text.

It took everything I had not to Google him; I wanted to go in totally blind. However, I gave Gizzy his name and had HER Google him and just tell me if she saw any red flags right off the bat. She didn’t, so I was glad.

So, Friday, he offered to pick me up and take us downtown to a nice wine bar. When I saw him, in the street, I was pleasantly surprised. He was fit, clean cut, dressed in a button-down shirt, with a small tattoo near his wrist.

We walked a ways and started talking, as we headed toward his car. He opened my car door.

At the wine bar, we both got wine flights, tasted each other’s wine picks, ate some food, and talked. A lot. And I shit you not, he told me I was gorgeous, and that he was surprised our mutual friend didn’t mention how “lovely” I was.

I was nearly blushing—no one has ever said those things to me.

Around midnight, we went for a walk downtown, and found a small, quiet bar to keep talking and get a few more beers. Turns out, we have quite a bit of things in common.

When the bar closed, he took me home, walked me to my door, and gave me a kiss. It was very sweet.

When I got into bed, he’d sent me a text: “Thank you so much for the company tonight. You were more incredible than I imagined. Goodnight and sweet dreams!”

He called me last night, and asked me for a second date this Friday—we are going to a rooftop sushi place. I’m pretty excited, and of course, I’ll keep you posted!

This is what I decided…

Alright, soooo last week I filled y’all in on the trials and tribulations of my job.

This is what I decided.

For now, I’m going to hold off on making some giant, ta-da plan, and just hunker down and hunt for new jobs. Because, sometimes, a problem just isn’t worth fixing.

So, yesterday I updated my resume. And today, I applied for two jobs that both look pretty cool. And you know what? I feel really good about that decision, because today has been a real shit hole in the office.

Of course, it’s Monday, so there’s that. Then, I’m getting some serious work done, and that whole memo thing starts where one person calls me, tells me something to do, I do it, then someone comes in my office and tells me to do the exact same thing, and then I get an email an hour later saying, nevermind.

graaarrrrrr.

Meanwhile, I’ve been watching old episodes of MTV’s Life of Ryan while I do my work—it really makes the day more pleasant.

Anyway, enough about that.

While I didn’t do anything festive on Easter, I was generally just really happy to be relaxing, in my bed, watching DVDs of Sex and The City, because last year on Easter, my then-boyfriend was cheating on me.

I’m just so happy that I’m not in that situation, and that I’ve moved on.

Anyway, that’s all for now…

 

Why am I being punished?

Hey guys!!

I’m sorry it’s been forever—I have SO much to tell you & I promise, there is REASON for me not being around to tell y’all about my exciting life. However, we’ll get to that on a rainy day. Today, I’ve got a little story for you and I hope you’ll weigh in.

Exactly one week ago, I was a guest on my friend’s video podcast. It was a short 40-minute live comedy act and it was pretty funny. The audience was mostly men, and as soon as the show went off-air, some of these guys were texting my friend wanting to know who I was and if I was single.

Oooohhhh heeeeeyyy!!

So one of these guys, we’ll call him MAP, sends me a message on Facebook and after a few exchanges, he asks me for my number. We text a little more and then he asks me if I want to get a simple drink on Friday (yes, Valentine’s Day).

I say yes, and I was pretty excited about it.

At first, I got the vibe that this guy was genuine, nice, he has a good job, owns a condo, has a car, has a degree, is involved in a softball team, has a podcast…

Overall, I was thinking, “Hey, this guy has a life,” which is pretty attractive to me, because I’ve got a lot going on, too.

So, we meet up for drinks, and he orders a nice scotch, I got a vodka. We talked about work, our friends, things like that, but I noticed that he kept talking about his “Budget.”

Now, let’s get this straight. I, too, am on a budget. I get it. And I am NOT looking for someone who is going to swoop in and solve my money problems. However, my money issues are not something I talk about with people I’ve just met.

He was mentioning it so much, that I felt like I should pick up the tab.

So we have two drinks and leave the bar. He walks me to my door, and he goes in for the kiss, and he was holding me so tight I almost fell over. And the kiss… was very forced. Like there were (was?) teeth and tongue and I opened my eyes once because I was trying to pull away.

I went to my apartment with mixed feelings. He seemed nice, like a guy who’s got it all together, but that kiss was horrible…

However, he asked me if i wanted to hang out again and I said sure.

But since then, he’s been texting NON STOP.

Like, we’re talking, he texts me so often, I don’t even have time to answer the questions he is asking me. Sometimes, in a text, he will even ask me what time he should text me.

I don’t know what to do… I feel bad, but we’ve only been on one date and I am already feeling so smothered.

It’s one thing if we have lots to talk about, but it’s another thing, if it’s forced, and I feel like asking me questions like, “What are you having for lunch?” “What’s your political stance?” “Can you do any impressions?” is forced conversations.

Am I horrible? HELP.

18. A motto/quote/lyric that you live by and what it means to you.

LUCKY

AHHH!

I have so many quotes and lyrics that mean so much to me, but of course, some that stand out more than others.

“The rock candy’s melted, only diamonds now remain,”—John Mayer, Clarity

This is a line from one of my favorite John Mayer songs, and I love this line, particularly the second part of it (which I’m considering getting tattooed on me). To me, it just means you’re done with the candy-coated stuff and the only thing that’s left is the real thing. I always want my life to be real, I want the people in it to be real and true.

GIZZY

I have a lot tooooooo.  But the one that I think I go by the most is:

“When you know, you know.”

A lot of people think this is about finding a spouse, but it’s not at all.  At least for me. I’m sure I’ve mentioned before that I get pretty strong premonitions about certain things.  A lot of them are about relationships, but I even had one once as I was leaving my parent’s house for a quick errand about my cat dying.  The cat was an outdoor cat and would come inside only at night to sleep.  When I pulled out of the driveway I saw the cat in the middle of the field accross the street and said to myself that I should chase him down and put him inside, which was something I had never done before, but I didn’t do it. When I got home 15 minutes later my neighbor was shoveling my cat into a box off of the street because it had been run over by a car and killed.  So, I’ve been reminding myself of this quote for a while now that when I get these feelings I need to go with them.  Because when you know, you know!

17. What is your family like? Personalities, strengths, weaknesses, etc.

LUCKY

Ah, I’ll start with my blood, my actual family.

Family has been on my mind a lot lately. I am an only child, and growing up, I often felt very loved by my mom and dad.

And then, the summer I turned 16, my dad filed for divorce and left me and my mom.

My parents had been married for 19 years.

When my dad left, there was no court-ruled visitation. Since I could drive, I drove the 2 hours to see him on weekends when I wasn’t working. Within one year, my dad was married to a woman who was in it for money.

A year after that, my dad was divorced again.

The relationship between my dad and I has, for the most part, been good on the surface. But there have been underlying control issues that I’ve pushed under the rug for years.

And on Thanksgiving Day, that rug was peeled back when my dad blew up at me for not replying a text message within one hour.

Currently, my dad and I aren’t speaking. I’ve spent the weeks since Thanksgiving wondering what I did to make my dad hate me—his only child—so much that he can’t even see my face or speak to me.

But I don’t know if that’s something I’m meant to understand.

The relationship with my mom is good. We are closer than ever. But it has not come easy—we went our own year without speaking, and it was one of the most difficult times in my life.

There are times when I have to remind myself that your “family” doesn’t have to be relatives. And although my relatives do have strengths, I often consider my friends to be my family, because that’s really all I have.

GIZZY

I too come from a broken family. My parents divorced when I was 6.  To this day I still don’t know the whole story of why my parents  got divorced and I don’t care to because I think it would make me hate my Dad. 

My Dad and I weren’t close until he started dating his current wife (I was 19 or 20).  I hated his second wife, her son, and going to their house.  I thought my Dad had anger issues, and I think he did until he divorced her.  When I was little and in my teenage years my Dad made me do all the things he loved, like ride horses and play on go karts.  <— How terrible, right? I’m such a brat. Now I am super close with my Dad, I can talk to him [and my Stepmom] about anything.

My Mom and I have always been close in the sense that we hang out a lot.  But I have never been that open with her about my feelings because I always thought she wouldn’t understand, as I get older that is changing.  My Mom raised me as a single parent and brought me up in a “tough-love” kind of household where I usually got whatever I wanted.  Does that make sense? She’s a very strong woman and is honestly probably one of the best people I know.  She is the type of person that really would do anything for anyone.

I’m lucky enough to have 2 parents that help me and are very supportive of everything I do.  But like Lucky, my friends are my family too and those are the people that I feel know me the best.

16. Goals for 2014.

LUCKY

I’ve really been thinking about this a lot lately… here’s what I’m thinking:

• Stop giving a damn about what other people are doing. In other words, stop spending so much time worrying about other people, stalking them on social media, and in general just wasting time doing things that do not benefit ME.
• Continue to be less judge-y. I already am pretty good at it, but I want to be even BETTER. Judging be gone!
• Get happy. I am still working on being comfortable in my own skin, and dealing with life’s turns as they come.

GIZZY

• To stop trying to make everyone else happy and just make myself happy. 
• Get rid of the toxic people in my life and surround myself with people that are positive and make me feel good.
• To figure out what I want to do with my life (career wise).
• To start having more fun and stop worrying about all the stuff I “have” to do. As in, when someone wants me to do something during the weekend if my house isn’t clean or I have laundry I say no.  When I’m on my death bed I’m not going to be remembering all the times I cleaned my house.
• To start stating my opinion more and to stop coddling everyone.

14. List your secret behaviors.

LUCKY

1. Eating whatever I want/weird foods. Since I am single and live alone, I can eat whatever I want. Marshmallows with peanut butter? Yep. Chips and dip for dinner? Sure. I usually eat pretty healthy, so most of the time I’m just thankful that no one is around to see my boring meals (last night I had turkey cutlets and butternut squash).
2. Wearing no pants. My fuck buddy knows this about me, but that’s about it. When I’m at home, it’s pants off, dance off.
3. Dance parties/concerts for Blanche. It is not a rare day when I turn on some tunes, grab the broom and lip sync my ass off, complete with dance moves. I sometimes even give shout outs to no one, “This song is dedicated to…” Yeah. That’s real.

GIZZY

Who’s scared to read this after yesterday’s confession? Bwhahaha.

1. Sometimes I pretend I’m on a reality show in my every day life.
2. I like to watch videos of my celebrity crushes before I go to bed so I have dreams of hanging out with them.
3. My dog and I do a choreographed dance number every day when I get home from work. Ok, I dance and he jumps around following me.

 

11.Describe what you think your life will be like in 5,10 & 20 years.

LUCKY

GAH. This is so scary to me.

Part of me feels like so much happens in a year, so it’s so difficult to predict, but then again, I’ve had my same job for close to 6 years (wow, that was hard to type) and I’m still single after 12 years of dating, so…

In five years, I’d say it’s still possibly likely that I’ll be at this job because I have very little motivation. Perhaps I’ll live in a different place, have different friends, maybe I’ll meet a guy (ha. ha. ha.), but I don’t see any DRASTIC changes…

Ten years? Shit. I hope I’m not still single. I hope I’m not still living in the same spot…and DAMN I hope I’m not doing the exact same job.

In Twenty years…I don’t even know. I hope I’m a little more stable all around. I hope my finances are in order and I hope I’m happy with whatever my life brings. That’s my wish always; that I can be happy and satisfied in my own skin, doing whatever it is I’m doing.

GIZZY

This is going to be a giant list of how I HOPE my life is in 5, 10, and 20 years. With a small bit of actual reality mixed in.

In 5 years I will be 33, which isn’t THAT scary of an age. But I will say that I know I will have more money because all my student loans will be paid off, and my car will be paid off (unless I wreck it and have to buy a new one, knock on wood).  So I am actually kind of looking forward to 5 years from now because it’ll be nice to have more disposable income. I would like to think that I’ll have found a nice well rounded guy that is hot and doesn’t look at or think about other women (ie Zac Efron. P.s. Zac, call me! ;)). I’m starting to job hunt now in a city across the country that I love and have have always wanted to live in. So hopefully I’ll have made that happen by then.  But I would really like to think I won’t still be doing accounting/finance stuff, and I’ll have found my true passion and be working toward new goals in that.

In 10 years I will be 38, which is scary because that’s almost 40. If I’m going to have kids I should have had them by this point, so I think my life will be busied by work during the day and taking care of kids and (hopefully) a husband in the evenings.

In 20 years I’ll be 48. That is fucking scary to think about. That means my Mom will be 71 and my Dad 73, and I don’t like the thought of them getting into their 70s and 80s because that’s when most people die. So I’m not going to think about it, I’m just going to say that since I’m the bomb.com, I will be retired and vacationing all over the World.  With my husband Zac Efron.